Author: GrapeSmshr
Rated: G
A/N: This is my first GG fic. Actually, no, this is the first one I finished. Go me! I wrote this in the span of twenty minutes when my sis gave me two charas to write about. Needless to say, this is the end product. Read on and enjoy!
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It was the same thing every morning. Every single morning. One would think that he would vary the routine a little bit, grow bored with the monotony of his inane rituals. Alas, that was not the case.
And so Lane waited semi-patiently behind the diner counter, pen poised in midair and notepad clutched a little too tightly in her opposite hand as she internally questioned repeatedly why she had returned to this job.
"Are the eggs fresh this morning?"
"Yes, Kirk, the eggs are fresh," Lane responded automatically, only half-listening to the man.
"Are you sure?" Kirk started in on his morning tirade. "Because I read about these chickens that had some kind of disease--it may have been mad cow disease--and their eggs were infected, causing anyone touching or eating the eggs to become infected as well. I wouldn't want that to--"
"Chickens can't get mad cow disease," Lane interrupted, all daydreams and lazy thoughts diminished as she braced herself for what would no doubt be the craziest conversation she would have all day--until she ran into Lorelai, at least.
"Are you sure?" Kirk repeated.
"Yes. Yes, I am sure. Only cows can get mad cow disease."
Kirk frowned heavily, thinking this over. "That's discriminatory against the chickens," he finally responded, once again consulting the menu.
Sighing deeply, Lane shifted her weight from one foot to the other, wishing she could be anywhere but here. If her mother had walked into the diner--which would never happen because of the large volume of gluttonous inhabitants the diner housed--and asked Lane to go to Bible study, or Bible camp, or anything church-related, Lane would have jumped at the chance and left the diner behind in a cloud of dust, she would be running so fast. Actually, no, she would never agree to any of that. But she did wish that she could be somewhere else. Like band practice. There was this killer solo that she was working on that would be so--
"--weevils that could still live when swallowed, and the last thing I want is to have weevils crawling in my large intestine," Kirk finished with his nose wrinkled, adding a melodramatic shudder for effect. "So maybe pancakes aren't a good idea."
"No, maybe not," Lane agreed, "although I can assure you that none of our food contains weevils."
"How do you know?"
"Because we inspect the food for weevils," Lane answered matter-of-factly.
Apparently Kirk was satisfied by the answer because he turned back to the menu, occasionally muttering incomprehensible phrases under his breath and raising his eyebrows at certain item descriptions.
Lane only watched on, happy at least that there were only two other customers in the diner, both of which whom had already received their meals. That meant she could dedicate all of her attention to Kirk. Lucky, lucky her.
"Maybe a cheese omelet--no, wait, that has eggs. Don't want mad cow disease. Pancakes are out; can't be too sure about weevils. Maybe a danish?" Kirk babbled to himself.
Finally losing what little patience she had left, Lane cried, "Honestly, Kirk, just pick something!"
"Fine. You don't have to be rude. I know the owner. I can complain."
Lane snorted. "Good. Great. That's fine." She could only imagine the incredulous look on Luke's face if Kirk tried to complain about her. Hmm, that would be pretty amusing. Maybe she should try to get Kirk to complain. Maybe not, because then she would have to deal with him longer. "What do you want to order?"
"I'll have... this one!" He pointed to a breakfast special that had both eggs and pancakes.
"That one has eggs," Lane said slowly. "And pancakes."
"I know that." Kirk gave her a look as if she were crazy.
"What about mad cow disease and weevils infesting your large intestine?"
"I thought you said--" he started, frowning once again as his eyes swept over the menu.
"I did! I did say!" Lane rushed on, grabbing the menu out of his hands. Not wasting any time, she called the order out to Cesar. "Your order will be ready in a few minutes," she told Kirk, inwardly cheering when a group of people entered the diner.
As she walked toward the new customers, she tried not to growl in irritation as Kirk started scrutinizing the covered platter of danishes on the counter, saying quite loudly, "I wonder if the frosting on the danishes were checked for weevils..."
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The end! I know, it was crazy and pointless, but that was the entire idea behind it. If it sounded off, that's because this isn't my category. I tried though, and I had lots of fun doing so! If ya liked it, please review. If not... ::shrugs:: Thanks for reading!