Eric POV
"I miss you so much, Eric."
What?
"I am here whenever you are ready."
What is Tris talking about. Why is she not cuddled up to me but sitting somewhere nearby?
I try to open my eyes but they don't seem to cooperate so I keep focusing on blinking until I finally can see a haggard looking Tris.
"Eric?! Oh my god, Eric!"
I moan in pain when she throws herself onto me and struggle to envelope her in my arms.
"You are wake! God, I can't believe you finally woke up," Tris cries while peppering my face with kisses while I try to comprehend what the fuck is going on.
"Tris, I hate to interrupt but when you are done celebrating I would like to look Eric over," a voice announces from somewhere behind Tris.
I can feel her freeze and a deep sigh, intermingled with a sob, comes out of her mouth. Her body starts shaking and she is clutching onto me like she never ever wants to let go. While I like that idea immensely, I can't shake the feeling that something bad has happened.
"Hey there, I just want to check him over, Tris, Eric is not going anywhere any time soon. He is all yours," the voice soothes and finally the figure steps close enough for me to see.
I recognise him almost immediately and my fears increase tenfold.
"Ivan," I croak.
"Good morning, sleeping beauty," Ivan greets me and I inwardly groan. "You had us worried for a bit there, Eric. I gather my presence told you that you are in hospital but do you remember why?"
I try to come up with something but it seems to be eluding me somehow. Why am I here? Closing my eyes, I try to reflect on what I remember doing last. Kissing Tris, telling her I want to marry her… the fucking initiates interrupted us and…" my eyes fly open and I gasp for breath when I remember.
"Shhhh, easy Eric, deep breaths. You are alive, you survived," Tris croons to me while something gets pressed over my mouth.
"It's good that your memory works, Eric, even if it's horrifying last moments," Ivan speaks up when Tris just croons her love to me and my breathing finally calms down. "It's going to take some serious intervention to stop the nightmares but, as Tris said, you are alive and on the mend, Eric. You got through this and you being awake was the most important part. Now you can work with us on your recovery," Ivan elaborates.
I am trying to speak but the mask he is still pressing onto my face doesn't allow for any articulation.
"Take a few more deep breaths and I will take it off," Ivan promises and I do as requested.
The mask is lifted and Tris kisses my lips quickly before moving down to the chair she was in before I woke and takes my hand.
"Tell me," I demand and Ivan doesn't have to ask what I am talking about.
"No brain injuries to start with, a miracle in itself. Broken leg and broken hip, got that fixed without pumping you full of titanium," Ivan boasts. "It's all healed now but you also sustained a spinal injury." No! "We had you in an induced coma for two weeks and then you took another ten days to wake up on your own. The swelling has gone down and we were able to reassess the damage. At the moment you got a fifty-fifty chance to get out of the wheelchair. If physical therapy goes well you are increasing your chances with every improvement we see. Eric, I don't like to hide stuff and I know you might need some time to digest what I just told you but your odds are better than you may think. You can still lead Dauntless and have a great life," Ivan assures but my mind is on other things.
"I am paralysed," I double check.
"We don't know that yet, it might be temporary," Ivan warns, once more sensing my mood.
"But for now I will have no control over my lower body," I shout.
"Easy, Eric, it's not cut and dry. I promise you that we will see more over the coming weeks but for now you need to work with us. Tris made lots of changes and is almost ready to bring you home but how soon this will be depends on you," Ivan warns.
"What the fuck do you want with me," I ask Tris, who recoils.
"I want my boyfriend, the man I waited a whole year for, to finally start our life together Tris states with surprising calm.
"There is no life, Tris," I roar. "Do you want to spend the rest of your days wiping my ass and changing pissed on sheets? Do you think there will be any sex or children for us?!"
"I just want you, Eric, I don't care about the rest," Tris assures but I am livid.
"I care," I scream and Ivan looks at Tris, shaking his head. "Don't try to talk to her," I roar.
"Eric, you need to calm down. I really don't want to give you a sedative but I will if I feel like I have no other option. Tris did a great job looking after your needs, she only allowed minimal interference when it came to drugs but now that you are awake I have more control over what can and can not be done. And don't fool yourself into thinking I am taking either of your wishes into account when I get to decide what is best for you right the fuck now," Ivan growls.
"I am awake and in charge now," I scream but Ivan just pulls out a syringe form his coat pocket and injects it into the drip attached to me. I try to rip the port out but a strong hand stays mine and I can feel an unnatural calm come over me before long.
"I hoped I didn't have to do this but you leave me no choice," Ivan sighs. "I am putting you on a two week minimum suicide watch, starting immediately."
I can see Tris' eyes widen and her hand seems to come up to cover her mouth on its own accord.
Ivan follows my line of sight and sighs.
"Tris, you knew this was a possibility and I am not cutting your access off, sweetheart. Eric just woke up to this whole new world and he needs time to get his head around things. He'll be looked after and when we feel he is starting to come to terms with his injuries he will get to come home. Why don't you go and relax. Eric is going to have a little nap in a few minutes and then he'll need to be evaluated before you can come back in. I'll give you two a minute to say goodbye."
Ivan stares me down before leaving the room.
"You are brave, you can do this, Eric. There are so many different options out there. I talked to the physical therapists and there are so many different achievable goals. Your apartment has been modified and whenever you are ready you can work again. We'll get used to the wheelchair, then we work on getting you in a walker. Then there are canes, Eric. We are Dauntless, we don't give up. We rise time and time again. Conceding the fight is not an option. You hear me? Conceding a fight is never ever an option, not for us! Not ever! We fight until the bitter end. Fight, Eric," Tris urges.
"Tris…" my voice comes out all garbled and she shakes her head.
"I love you, Eric. Fight the demons, fight and get ready to fight even harder. Don't ever think about giving up," Tris urges one last time and then I know nothing.
…
Tris POV
No one ever told me this would be easy
But I never knew that it could be this hard
Oh the worry the worry the worry
Is weighing on me
Could you help me break down
All these question marks
And make me brave
I'll fight like a soldier
(Brave) rise like a warrior
(Brave) won't stop till the final day
(Brave) I want to be stronger
(Brave) gonna be bolder
(Brave) look up and I see the way
You make me brave
I know I know I'm no superwoman
But impossible is possible with you
So no, no, no more running, no more hiding
Strike the fire so I'll be fearless too
And make me brave
I'll fight like a soldier
(Brave) rise like a warrior
(Brave) won't stop till the final day
(Brave) I want to be stronger
(Brave) gonna be bolder
(Brave) look up and I see the way
You make me brave
None go with me
Still I'll follow
Through the joy
And through the sorrow
Cross before me
World behind me
There's no turning back
Brave (I won't be afraid)
Brave (I won't be dismayed)
Brave (You have made a way)
Oh brave
I'll fight like a soldier
(Brave) rise like a warrior
(Brave) won't stop till the final day, oh oh oh
(Brave) I want to be stronger
(Brave) gonna be bolder
(Brave) look up and I see the way
You make me brave, I'll fight like a soldier
rise like a warrior
(Brave) won't stop till the final day
(Brave) I want to be stronger
(Brave) gonna be bolder
(Brave) look up and I see the way
You make me brave
…
The moment the song ends I press play again. The haunting lyrics are what has kept me going for the last weeks. Tobias, of all people, was the one who handed me a stick with some inspirational music, as he called it.
I didn't dare question him, his blush giving away his discomfort at having to do this in the first place. I listened to them all and he was right, they made me feel better for a little while but that was all it took for me to get a handle on my emotions and do what needed to be done.
For the last two weeks I religiously visited Eric every single day. His therapists and the psychologists think he is making enough progress that I can take him home tomorrow, and the thought of being responsible for his life suddenly became daunting.
Taking a deep breath, I remind myself that I am indeed a warrior, I am a soldier and I am brave. I can be all that for the two of us until Eric fully joins me. I know he is not there yet but he has improved a lot since the day he woke up. The dark cloud is now grey and the progress he made with the wheelchair helped him understand that he will have to work hard and be diligent. Eric has never been a slacker and I am hoping he will find his backbone and knuckle down.
Our very own therapists and doctors have all been briefed and John, the one who will take over here, has joined Eric's Erudite therapist for the last three sessions. Unfortunately all our psychological needs are taken care off by Erudite but Sam has promised to do daily house visits for the first week or two. We all know what's at stake here and nobody has blinders on as to the risk of set backs once Eric arrives in Dauntless.
…
"Wow, look at you," I greet Eric when I arrive at his room.
"I wanted jeans," he huffs.
"I know," I soothe immediately. "And you can put them on once we get home," I promise. "Track pants are just easier to get on and off, that's all. Plus, it's fucking warm in here. I couldn't imagine lying on a bed in a hot room clad in jeans and a jumper. Are you packed," I dare ask, looking around for the duffel I brought the other day.
"In the wardrobe," Eric growls and I quickly retrieve it.
"Did you check the bathroom?"
"Yes, mom," Eric groans.
"I am not voluntarily coming back here to retrieve anything just because you were too lazy to check," I chastise.
Eric takes one look at my face and rolls himself into the bathroom. When he comes back out a minute later he doesn't meet my eyes when he approaches the bag I set onto a chair and shoves his toiletries inside.
"Anything else you might have missed," I ask sweetly.
"No," he growls.
"Good, I really, really don't want to come back here at all. Ever!"
"That sounds good enough to me," Max says from behind me. "Hi, Eric."
"Are you here to carry me home," Eric growls instead of a greeting.
"Hello to you too, sunshine. I am here to drive you home," Max corrects. "Ready to go? All packed? Nothing left behind?"
I can't suppress the snort and Max turns to me.
"It shows that you have kids," I grin.
"Those are standard questions and Eric can me a mulish child when he wants to be," Max defends himself.
"I double checked the bathroom," Eric growls and I decide to not rat him out.
"Good. Just like Tris said, I don't want to come back here either," Max groans. "Alright. I have your discharge papers. Ivan sent everything over as did Sam. John is ready to go. He said to tell you that you get today off, moving is going to be tiring. There will be no more slacking come tomorrow. His words, not mine," Max explains when he sees Eric's face darken.
"Well, if we are all done here then we can kiss Erudite goodbye," I quip and bend down to peck Eric on his lips.
"Erudite, not former Erudite, Tris," Max exclaims and I really feel like slapping him.
"Ignore the peanut gallery. I am looking forward to do doing this any time I want. Around the clock access and all that," I whisper into Eric's ear before returning to his lips.
For once Eric kisses me back properly until Max sighs loudly.
"Can we please get out of here," he begs.
"Who sounds like a child now," I tease and delight in seeing Eric grin.
Eric grumbles a bit when I move to push his wheelchair but I lean down once more to whisper into his ear.
"I am helping you save your energy so you can wheel yourself through Dauntless."
Eric stays silent and I take that as my cue to keep going.
The way home is uneventful and Eric manages to slide from the car into his wheelchair with ease. The tunnels are quite empty and not many people pass us but those that do are kind enough to pretend there is nothing different and just offer greetings or a few words here and there.
The first sign of change comes when Eric wheels himself up to his door and notices the keypad is way down and on his current level.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," he growls but punches the numbers in nevertheless.
Looking around the entrance, he can't immediately spot the differences and I am glad he doesn't open any doors before rolling through the actual front door and into his living room.
"What have you done," he shouts and I sigh.
"I rearranged your furniture with John and Sam, and we did some modifications," I admit. "You need the wider space and we want you to be able to grab a book whenever you want."
"And the table? Did you have to chop off the legs?!"
"We actually had the original legs replaced by shorter ones to lower the table enough that you can eat comfortably while everyone else does the same. The old legs are stored and we can have them put back on whenever you ditch the wheelchair. Nothing has been done that can't be undone. For now, we need the adjustments," I lecture.
"Are your clothes for the wash or clean," Max interrupts, waving the bag he has been carrying for us.
"Half and half. Tris took all the dirty laundry two days ago," Eric growls and I bend down once more to kiss his cheek.
"And everything is washed, dry and ready to be worn again. Lunch, shower or bed," I ask.
"Peace and quiet."
"Bed it is," I proclaim and Eric glares at me.
"I need to use the bathroom, excuse me."
"Max, go with him while I get the bag unpacked and lunch ready," I order.
"I don't need someone to wipe my ass," Eric growls.
"No, you need someone who will explain all the equipment we got to you. Max helped and was there when John and Sam did their demonstration. There might be something new in there," I hedge and kiss his cheek before heading into the kitchen.
The moment I know I am out of sight I lean my head against the fridge and close my eyes, taking deep breaths. This is harder than I expected. I knew he would put up a fight but I didn't expect him to be that combative. Well, it's Eric after all and I should have been more prepared.
"Be brave, Tris. Trust," I remind myself. "Eric is a warrior, he will rise up."
I keep repeating my mantra while I push the pre-prepared food in the still cold oven before going back for his bag.
I sort his laundry before I tentatively make my way to the bathroom. I can hear the arguing but decide to knock and ask if he wants his bag now. If not I will sort his things later when he is otherwise occupied.
"I am busy," Eric shouts but Max sticks his head out the door.
"Here." I hold out the bag and turn around.
Max closes the door and I can hear renewed arguing. Seems Eric thinks he can do it all alone and Max challenged him to prove it.
So, one by one Eric shows Max that he can indeed heave himself onto the toilet seat, use the sink and get onto the shower chair we got. Well, he can get onto the shower chair after Max unfolds it for him. When he offers to leave it unfolded Eric tells him in no uncertain terms to move that piece of shit out of his sight.
I silently make my way back into the kitchen and grab plates and utensils. Eric is on a restricted diet until he can get a better handle on his new body and I just know he is going to hate being served more slop, as he so lovingly called it.
Max stays for lunch and we make sure to include Eric in our conversation about the faction and things happening all around. Before long Max bids us goodbye though, and then it's just the two of us.
…
Eric POV
Tris keeps staring at the door that just closed behind Max and I don't blame her for the forlorn look on her face. I have been an ass, I know that, but I somehow can't help myself. It's like there are two people residing in my body. Old Eric, the one who loves and adores Tris, and the new Eric who keeps wishing that Tris would have let him die.
They are warring with each other and more often than not new Eric is the one who spews the vitriol. I told all of that to Sam, the old Eric knew it was important and I managed to be the stronger one at that time. New Eric would have tried to pull wool over his eyes and hoped to find a way to end this all as fast as possible.
Sam is my lifeline to old Eric, he is the one who pushes the scale in the right direction. He is helping me beat the crap out of new Eric when he tries to self destruct and hurt what I love the most. The fucker knows as well as I do that if I were to lose Tris, it's game over.
"I love you," I blurt out and she whirls around to me stare me down.
Her eyes soften and she smiles at me.
"I love you too, forever and always. Now, what do you want to do? Read a book, nap, or maybe make out?"
"The latter, definitely the latter," I proclaim and Tris' smile widens.
"Where?" She looks around, unsure.
"The bed has always been great," I suggest and she grins.
"Lead the way."
"Can I have a kiss first," I ask, feeling weird having to move into my bedroom without carrying her or pulling her along, stripping our clothes as we go.
"Of course."
Tris bends down and presses her lips to mine. I purposely push my hand up and into her hair, holding her close while inviting her in. I moan when we finally kiss the way I want to without the risk of someone popping in.
I groan when I feel Tris slowly move my chair backwards until we reach the bedroom door.
She makes quick work of pushing me up to the bed and climbs on, looking at me expectantly when I hesitate.
"Come on, I want to cuddle while we make out."
I swallow my pride and heave myself out of the chair and into the bed, just like I practiced over the last weeks.
Tris helps me get comfortable before she comes back to receive her promised kisses.
We are making out for ages and Tris seems to be getting friskier. She is right on top of me and I can see her body undulate while I feel absolutely nothing.
When I push my hand down to check, I finally feel that I am completely flaccid and it takes the fun out of everything.
"That's enough," I bark and push her off of me.
Tris squeals when I dislodge her and she looks at me with wide eyes.
"What the fuck, Eric?!"
"Show is over, nothing to see here," I state coldly and half roll, half push myself onto the wheelchair.
I don't wait for her to say anything else before I roll out of the bedroom and make sure to slam the door in my wake.
This time it is not new Eric that is forcing his actions on me. This one really is on me and I am punching the wall in frustration until my wheelchair is forcefully pulled back and I stare straight into Sam's worried eyes.
"Tris called me. Let's talk," he orders and I look around. "She is not here. Said she was going to give us some space but she is worried about you. She tried to get you to stop but you didn't seem to realise she was even there. I'd like to hear your side of the story, Eric," Sam urges while pushing me over to the table and the first aid kit already open on top. "Tris got that one for me," Sam explains and I groan.
"I fucked up already and it hasn't even been a full day," I groan, feeling utterly exhausted.
"That's to be decided, but Eric, that girl loves you and she will not walk away that easily. Now, whenever you are ready to talk, we will, but did you hear about nurse Amanda before you left?"
Sam gossips with the best of them and sooner than expected I am relaxed enough to explain all that happened and went through my head. He assures me that my body will catch up. Therapy is slow progress, everyone knows that, but he promises to consider easing off on the antidepressants Tris allowed them to give me in a week or two. He finds my mental state still too fragile and wants to have this safeguard in place for a little longer. He reminds me about what is important in life and that being close to Tris should trump having an erection.
Tris returns, and I apologise and explain, with a little help from Sam, what happened. Tris looks mortified and assures me that sex is the least important aspect of our lives right now. What else is she supposed to say, I wonder briefly but Sam has us push forward.
A weird routine begins for us after Tris basically moves herself in. All her clothes are in my bedroom, she sleeps beside me every night, she showers and eats here. She even works from my home office. I only mention once that she moved herself in and she asked me if I wanted her to move back out.
I told her 'no' and that was it for her.
There is a steady flow of visitors. People come for work related issues. Some of our friends stop by and then there are Sam and John who work with me daily.
Sam waits three whole fucking weeks before he allows me to stop taking the antidepressants, warning that it will take a while to flush them out of my system.
For the first week he basically moves into our guest room and keeps an eye on me when Tris is working.
Things seem to be going well enough and I find myself becoming more and more hopeful.
…
Tris POV
It has been three months since Eric came home. The old year passed and the new year is here. We are in the middle of February now and I am starting to feel utterly exhausted.
Eric's mood is like a rollercoaster. There is a constant up and down, there isn't even predictability anymore. He can be the sweetest, cuddling up to me in bed and swearing his love and devotion, and then he turns into this bitter old man that hates himself and the world around him.
I love him with all my heart but I don't know how to help him if he can't shake the funk and get his mind on track. I have been watching him more and more closely, especially after he had yet another nightmare, and I can see the strain he puts himself under. I talked to Sam and I talked to John, and both keep assuring me that it is, unfortunately, rather normal behaviour. People lose hope when progress doesn't come easy or fast enough. Too many have too high expectations that they end up falling short of and they get angry at themselves but lash out at those surrounding them. Eric needs to realise he deserves all the love and help, that he will get there but in baby steps. They keep saying that once it clicks, everything will fall into place.
I just selfishly wish Eric would hurry up and get there already.
…
"What the fuck is this?!"
Thwack!
I duck just in time and the bowl crashes against the door.
I sigh but still get up to clean the broken pieces lying amidst a runny soup.
"You need more vegetables in your diet so you don't get constipated again," I state quietly.
"Stop caring about my shit," Eric screams at the top of his lungs.
"Be thankful I do give a shit about you," I hiss, feeling like I am reaching the end of my rope. I dump the shards in the bin and grab the roll of paper towels I brought in earlier. Making sure all sharp pieces stay on the other side of the tissue, I slowly mop up the mess.
"I don't want you to try and make me better. There is no getting better. This is it," Eric screams once more.
"There is still so much you can do even if there are no improvements," I assure once more.
"Why couldn't you just be brave enough to pull the plug while I was in a coma?!"
I slowly turn my head to stare at him.
"Would you want to live like this?!"
"Yes, any life with you would have been better than none at all. Dauntless don't concede, Eric," I state calmly before walking out the door.
I don't slam it, I close it softly and make it into the guest bedroom just before I break down.
…
Eric POV
I don't know where Tris went and it is not until my conscience is eating at me that I heave myself into the damned wheelchair. The door to my guest room is closed but I can hear soft sounds coming from inside.
Manoeuvring myself so I can easily push the handle down, I gently open the door and peek inside. While I don't see Tris, I do hear that she has some music on and it looks like the song is on repeat. I hear the last chords and then it starts anew as I slowly push forward.
What I hear and see breaks my heart. Tris is sound asleep on the bed but I can still see her swollen eyes and the wet marks on the grey pillowcase.
…
I'm running low on energy
Nearing the end of my way
You never asked for high speed
I'm slowing down to say
I will strengthen myself by trusting in You
I will strengthen myself by trusting in You
I've got mountains to climb and walls to break through
I will strengthen myself by trusting in You
Trust
…
Slowly, I roll forward until I reach the side of the bed.
…
Trust
Trust
Trust
Trust
…
My hands shake when I reach out to her. I stop and then I keep going until they hover right over her face.
…
I plan my steps out carefully
Doesn't mean I've got control
I got my goals and I dream my dreams
But I hope in something more
…
Fuck it! I shift my weight like I learned, get a good grip on the headboard and lift myself up and onto the bed.
Tris doesn't wake up but she still snuggles into me and I am ever so grateful for her never ending faith in us.
'Dauntless don't concede'. Those words didn't register earlier but I realise that I did, de facto, give up. I might have liked to consider myself truly dauntless but when I was given a real test, I failed miserably. How did I get this low?
…
I will strengthen myself by trusting in You
I will strengthen myself by trusting in You
I've got mountains to climb and walls to break through
I will strengthen myself by trusting in You
Trust
Trust
Trust
Trust
Trust
…
Yes, I can trust Tris to get me through this. Together we are strong. Together we can still make the life I dreamed of. All it will come down to is trust. In myself, in her, in us, in the faction… Dauntless stick together. We have each other's backs. Why did I think it would be any different for me?! Arrogance? Shame?
…
Trust
Trust
Trust
I let go of my life
Confidеnce in my guide
Hands up to the sky
Free fall bеfore I fly
I let go of my life
Confidence in my guide
Hands up to the sky
Free fall before I fly
I'm trusting in You
…
"I trust you," I whisper in Tris' ear. "I love you!"
…
I will strengthen myself by trusting in You (Ooh)
I will strengthen myself by trusting in You
I've got mountains to climb and walls to break through
I will strengthen myself by trusting in You
I let go of my life
Confidence in my guide
Hands up to the sky
Free fall before I fly
Trust
…
"I love you too!"
Tris still doesn't open her eyes but she hugs me tightly.
"Come here," I order and open my arms wide.
She doesn't hesitate but basically throws herself onto me.
"Oof," I grunt and Tris tries to slide back. "No," I shout and grab her tightly. "I need you," I whisper and I can feel her nod. "I need you so fucking much," I gasp, feeling like I can't take in enough air. "Please don't leave me,' I cry and Tris just hugs me as tightly as she can.
"Never," she swears and I finally believe her. It doesn't stop the tears though, and she keeps holding me tight while we both cry.
She hasn't run away yet, is on repeat in my mind.
She hasn't run away yet and I trust her that she won't, but I need to show her that I want her with me, always.
"I love you and I trust you to help me get through this."
"We are just doing the whole in sickness and health part a bit early," Tris sobs against my neck.
"We can make that official any time you want. I trust you to not leave me but I want you to know that this is a two way street! Trust that I love and appreciate you. PLEASE?"
"Is that a proposal, Eric Coulter?"
"I don't have a ring," I start but she shushes me by finally looking up and kissing me gently.
"I don't need a ring, I kind of always thought we'd go fully Dauntless and have them tattooed. No going back there," Tris chuckles quietly. "Also way less of a safety hazard and you can't ever lose them."
"Marry me," I ask.
"If you still feel like it in the morning, I will," Tris promises.
"You are all I will ever need in life," I swear.
"Wanna sleep here," Tris asks, yawning loudly.
"Uh," I look around but in all honesty, the bed is not much different. "Sure," I sigh and Tris starts to help me slide under the covers before pausing.
"Do you need to use the bathroom before we sleep?"
"I am fine." I'll be damned if I get back into that chair now.
"Eric," Tris sighs.
"I didn't eat or drink since you left. I just sat in our room and stared at the wall," I admit.
"Are you hungry?"
"No, I just want to hold you and fall asleep with you in my arms," I sigh.
"Okay," Tris whispers and helps me get settled before cuddling against my side. "This okay?"
"Perfect," I say, and while she closes her eyes, I keep staring at her, wondering for the umpteenth time what I did to deserve her.
Sleep finally claims me and when soft kisses wake me up I could have sworn it was the best sleep I ever had despite feeling fucking awful.
…
"Are you sure about that? There is no rush," Max cautions when Tris and I approach him about getting married.
"We know that but while I trust Tris to not run away, I want to show her that I won't either." Max snorts and then looks embarrassed. "It's okay, Max. I just… I want the gesture to mean something and this is me stating that I am fully committed. We are in this for the long haul and I believe her when she swears to love me 'in sickness and in health, till death do us part'," I urge.
Max stares me down and he seems to find what he has been looking for.
"You really did turn a corner, didn't you?"
"I think I hit my lowest, it can only get better from here on out and I want Tris right beside me where she belongs when the sun shines again."
Tris breaks out in tears upon hearing those words.
"You remember?"
"I keep dreaming of your voice saying those words every night but I never believed them before."
"Fuck! How the fuck did you get me to fucking cry like a fucking baby," Max cries, and the look on Tris' face has me laughing like a lunatic.
"Oh shut up you two," Tris hisses. "So, can you marry us or do we need to come back when you feel more manly?"
"Your friends will kill you if you exclude them," Max warns.
"But I want to get married now," I whine.
"A few minutes won't hurt us, Eric. Can you make a few calls," Tris asks Max who nods and leaves the room.
…
Forty minutes later I am pushed into the tattoo shop a married man with Tori rushing in right behind us, yelling for Bud to not even think about touching our hands.
Tori leads the procession over to a private room that is not big enough to hold even half of the crowd that followed us all the way here.
"I'm the best friend, I should be up front," Christina screeches.
"I thought that was me," Four protests.
"Hey, what am I, chopped liver," Zeke shouts.
"Tris is my best female friend, you are my best male friend," Four explains calmly while Zeke takes a gulp from the bottle he is holding before passing it on to Four.
"Cheers!"
"Do you know what you want," Tori asks, causing me to stop staring and pay attention.
"Tris' name in script," I say.
"I don't want script. I was thinking more along the lines of the E in Eric being a bit larger and having the upper and lower line extended along the rest of his name. Kind of like a half ring at the front of my finger," Tris explains.
"Ooh, I love that," Marlene calls out and there are shouts of agreement.
"Tori, I want something similar but still in script. Can you extent the T and maybe have the s circle back?"
Tori looks at me for a moment before grabbing a piece of paper from a drawer.
"Like this?"
"Can you make the line from the T and s a bit more straight to look like a ring?"
"Tori, show him as well how it would look in typewriter style, I think it will work better than script. We could both use it," Tris suggests and when Tori turns the paper around I have to agree.
"I like it. Tris?"
"Yes, that's great."
While Tori gets everything ready, our friends keep pushing forward. In the end I feel like I am a sardine in a tin can but as long as they don't push us when we are getting the tattoo done I am not going to complain. Max was right, they needed to be included. Each and every one of them helped us so much and they deserve to witness our ups whenever they happen to occur.
Tori takes charge, and when she is done Christina, Marlene and Shauna are all perched on their boyfriend's shoulders. It looks hilarious but works great in regards to space. Max offered his shoulders to Veronica but she just laughed in his face and patted his cheek.
"Party time," Uriah screeches when Tori declares us done.
"I am not allowed to drink alcohol," I state quietly and this time it's Four who saves the day.
"How about we all get together for one drink and then we let the newlyweds head home," he asks diplomatically.
While Uriah and Zeke pout, the girls seem to know that I am not ready for a party just yet.
"Go, Tori, just don't come back drunk," Bud encourages when he waves me off as I approach the till.
"You are welcome to join us. We agreed to only one drink, I can't have alcohol at the moment," I admit to him.
"Maybe we can toast with some sparkling water," he grins and I make a face. "Sparkling apple juice?"
"Does it look like beer," I ask, liking the image I have in my mind.
"It kind of does," he hedges.
"Better than plain water," I grin.
"Come on, guys. The newlyweds invited me out for drinks. Shop is closed for the next hour," Bud calls out loudly, and while there are some complaints, most of the customers clap and shout their congratulations.
…
"I should have stuck with water," Tris groans when I end up giving her a ride home on my lap.
"Maybe, but you made them happy," I remind her.
"I took one for the team," Tris agrees immediately. "Go team Coulter!"
"I think we won the contest," I assure.
"Nah, they went easy on me. Christina kept warning them to not ruin our wedding night," Tris giggles and I swallow hard.
"Tris…"
"Shh, take me home husband," she whispers into my ear and I manage to not only roll us into the elevator without getting stuck but press the button to our floor.
Man, am I glad that John forced me to work so much on my arms. They feel like lead but I know I still have to make it down the hallway before I can take a break.
Tris is sucking on my neck by the time I push our front door open and she doesn't even look up when I roll us into our bedroom.
"Up," I order and just stop myself in time to repress the sigh of relief when she crawls onto the bed.
"I need to use the bathroom," I state and wheel myself slowly away from her.
"Hurry back!"
Yeah, not likely. I am exhausted, this might take a while.
Just as I expected, Tris is sound asleep on our bed. I am glad to see she managed to strip most of her clothes, in fact, she only has a pair of the lightest grey panties on she was able to find this morning. She joked she didn't deserve to wear white anymore…
Sliding into bed next to her I feel overdressed and, in a spur of the moment decision, I strip down to my boxers, folding my clothes neatly before setting them down on my chair.
Just like every other time, Tris unconsciously moves closer until she is snuggled into my side.
While I am able to feel her body against mine, a quick check with my hand lets me know that the fucking meds are still not flushed out of my system.
While Sam said I might not feel an erection, my body should still be able to produce one.
With a deep sigh I close my eyes and dream of a time when I can let Tris exhaust herself on my dick again.
…
I am awoken with soft kisses and blink my eyes a few times to bring Tris' face into focus.
"Hi," I growl, my voice still rough from sleep.
"Good morning," Tris replies before kissing me properly.
"Ungh," I groan when Tris climbs on top of me and my back presses harshly into a spring.
"What's wrong?!" Tris stops immediately and looks me up and down.
"This bed needs a new mattress," I groan and Tris' face softens.
She gently slides down to lie beside me and I sigh in relief when the pressure eases.
"Sorry I fell asleep on you and, uh, did you really carry me home?"
Tris looks mortified.
"I brought you home and I even wheeled you over the threshold," I tease.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me!"
Tris' lips return while she keeps her weight off of me. While I love her kisses, I miss having her close and feeling her solid form.
"I know," Tris groans before resting her head on my shoulder. "Let's move into the spare bedroom so we can do this properly," she demands and I grin at her.
"You want to lie on top of me?"
"We don't have to, I just thought it would be nice," Tris amends.
"I want to," I admit and Tris growls at me.
"Be nice to your poor, hungover wife, Eric."
"I love my wife and I would like to move beds after a trip to the bathroom," I wager, thinking about a few things I should do first.
"Ooh, a shower!" Tris is getting all excited. "Come on, sleepyhead," Tris exclaims and scrambles off the bed, taking my clothes off the chair and looking at me expectantly.
"Uh," I start but she just shakes her head.
"Go ahead, I'll use the other bathroom and meet you in a few minutes.
She is gone before I can correct her wrong assumption and with a deep sigh I heave myself into the damned wheelchair and roll into our bathroom.
I haven't gotten further than using the toilet before Tris walks in, naked as the day she was born, and starts the shower while I stare at her with my toothbrush halfway to my mouth.
"Hurry up, Eric."
Tris grabs the shower chair and unfolds it, and finally I am catching on.
A quick brush and rinse, and I am stripping my boxers before switching chairs.
Tris wheels me into the cubicle and closes the door firmly.
Handing me my soap first, she then grabs her own and lathers up as if this is a daily occurrence. While I appreciate the sentiment, I am not going to stay silent.
"Our first shower as husband and wife," I declare and Tris smiles at me, graciously ignoring the fact that this is our first shared shower since the accident.
"Here." Her loofa is pushed into my hands and she turns her back to me.
I don't waste time and gently run it up and down her back, the long handle allowing me to move all the way up to her neck and then down her legs.
"Turn around,' I order and Tris doesn't hesitate.
She squirts more soap onto the loofah and then waits for me to pamper her.
I take my sweet time with her front and move closer and closer until I have her thigh trapped in between mine. I use some of my own shampoo and lather up my hands before setting them on her stomach.
I look up to check her face but see her wink at me before widening her stance. Alright. My hands slide down and in between her creamy thighs, focusing on what I have wanted to do to her for ages.
Tris moans when I rub her clit and she grabs a hold of my shoulders when I slide first one and then a second finger into her.
"So good, Eric. God, the way you can make me feel… always sooo much better then when I do it myself," Tris pants, and I can feel her walls start to flutter.
I strain my neck and suck her nipple harshly, just to feel her shatter around my fingers while calling out my name.
"Are you okay,' I ask when she doesn't straighten up nor move.
"Amazing,' Tris wheezes and I smirk.
"Has been a while," I tease.
"I hate having orgasms without you being the one giving them to me," Tris grumbles and I pull her down.
The chair creaks but I don't give a fuck. It can break for all I care, showing Tris my love is more important.
"I am sorry I didn't get my shit together earlier," I whisper into her ear while I clutch her to me.
"The important part is you didn't give up, Eric. Everything else will sort itself out sooner or later. We can have a good life even if nothing changes. I love you just as you are. You didn't lose that brilliant mind of yours, your weird sense of humour nor your skilled fingers or tongue. We can be just fine like this and treat every improvement like the win it is. I don't need anything but you getting better here," Tris gently moves my wet hair from my temple "And here." She sets her hands onto my heart before snuggling into me.
The chair creaks again and the water turns a bit cold before Tris unwinds herself and gets up. She is quick and efficient when she cleans me up.
I never realised before how many opportunities to be close to each other were wasted but Tris seems set on making me take notice now.
She gently dries me, raining kisses all over my body, even the parts I don't feel. Just looking at her, I know that when the antidepressants are finally out of my system that the visual alone should be enough to get a rise out of me.
While I have to wait for my turn, I use my newfound mindset to ensure Tris is taken care of and not lacking attention.
With Tris sitting on the bathroom counter, she has the perfect height for me to push my head in between her thighs and lavish her with attention.
She looks almost dazed when we finally return to the bedroom and I don't complain when she closes her eyes. Her breathing lets me know she is wide awake though. I decide this is the right opportunity to talk about our future.
"I am ready to go back to work," I start, and I can see her bite her lip. "Just the home office for now. There is still so much therapy that takes up the majority of my time but I can do a few hours here and there. Paperwork hasn't killed anyone yet," I wager.
"You seem to forgot Jeanine and Johanna," Tris groans.
"They can moan and groan and bitch as much as they want to, I will reply and stand my ground," I boast.
"Good for you. You can hide right here but I am the one who has to get back out there and travel to Amity the moment Johanna realises you are doing better."
"Did you use me as an excuse to get out of dealing with Johanna," I gasp in mock outrage.
"You bet I did. She was the one who kept me on the phone when you had your accident and Max had to take it out of my hands and cut her off. She felt bad about it and I didn't do anything to ease her conscience," Tris admits and I can't help but smile at her.
"Atta girl," I praise. "Ow," I shout when she slaps my chest.
"Don't make it sound like I am your dog and not your wife, Eric."
"I love you." I blow her a kiss for good measure.
"I know that. I never doubted it but I wondered if it was enough," Tris finally admits.
"I did too and it scared the hell out of me. Maybe we both need to have a few sessions with a counsellor? Couple's therapy," I suggest, looking at her closely for a reaction.
"That might be a good idea if you really mean it. You need to be ready or else it is just a waste of time. There is no rush, Eric," Tris assures.
"I turned a leaf and I am seizing control of what I can control. I want to get better now, for all the right reasons," I assure.
"Good, that's good. There are a few names and numbers on your desk," Tris mumbles.
"On my desk," I double check.
"I assumed when you decide you are ready for work, you might be ready for the rest. Whatever you need or want to know, there is a name and phone number," she promises.
"Okay. Come on, let's rest and then we can tackle some more things. Sleep, Tris," I order and she doesn't protest at all. Before long her soft snores lull me to sleep as well.
Songs in this chapter:
Moriah – Brave (cinematic version)
Moriah – Trust (live from the quarry)
Sorry, fanfiction doesn't allow links.
As for why I included lyrics – I am the kind of person that uses music to express feelings and as a tool to change them for the better. These were actually songs I listened to while writing this story in order to keep going.
Now, I had all these sources saved, thinking I would have them try for a baby while Eric is still working on his recovery. Fighting to get his erections back, working as hard as ever to get goals achieved once he was actively working on the dark clouds over his mind… In the end, I decided that this is one of those stories where nothing else is needed. No long winded road to recovery (written down to bore you all), no unneeded drama just to get another chapter in. We all know that there will be set backs, tantrums, cruel words thrown around, followed by remorse. How much of that do we need in a story? Lather, rinse, repeat? In all honesty, I was getting depressed trying to write all the turmoils, dark thoughts, despair and similar. Step by step I tried to add the darker parts, for I needed happy stories, songs and cuddles with my kiddos to keep me going. All Eric and Tris need is to know they have each other's back, no matter what happens, and that they are an unbeatable team. I know in reality not everyone will have a happy ending like this. I don't have to look further than a few houses down the road, to the widow with four small children. She was only pregnant with number four when her husband decided he couldn't take it anymore. Life is not easy, life is not fair. Shit happens just as easily as something good may occur. Suicide is real and here in Ireland it is way too common.
Mind yourself and take care!