I'm so tiered of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presents still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
Now that I think of it I never thought so many things could change in my life in only a year. I guess it all started when Lizzie showed me a picture of him. I thought he was the most gorgeous guy ever. But what Lizzie said about him didn't make me feel anything toward him though I kept the picture for an odd reason that I didn't understand. I herd stories and roomers. I never cared for the truth. I liked the atmosphere. This romantic but plotting figure that Lizzie mentioned in the first month after her return too much. Especially since she was dating Gordo now. She had started a singing career. Her first album just came out. I have it.
Too many things have changed. Lizzie has no more time fr me. Gordo is eternally mad at me as Lizzie is probably too. I've been told that they think I betrayed them. Well if falling in love is betrayal that I guess I did betray then. But now the love that I knew is gone. I guess I should have known. Lizzie always said this would happen. I didn't listen. I never thought I would meet the boy in that photo. Never thought he would take my heart before I could think.
I never knew he moved to LA. I met him as an accident. An innocent dance just this last winter did this much. We danced at a concert after party. Then he took me for a walk and we talked. He told me what he fancied was his side of the story. He didn't deny facts about what happened between him and my then best friend. He admitted his fault. But he showed me the story behind the whole situation that shown a different light on the matter. I felt sorry for him all of a sudden. Maybe it was just the illusion that his eyes created. I believed him and felt sorry for him. He lost the girl he loved and his job and his popularity. "That's the reason I came here" he had said meaning LA.
These wounds won't seem to here
This pain is just to real
There's just too much that time can not erase
You cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
You'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me
I started seeing him more often. I didn't tell Lizzie or Gordo or anyone at that about my connection with Lizzie's European "friend." But after a while it got impossible to hide it. When me and him started dating I was forsed to tell Lizie why I wasn't going with them to the movies more often now. At first when he didn't take up so much time I said that the occasional misses where because I wanted to give them time alone. But now it was happening to often. And after I said I had a boyfriend I was forced to say who it was. When I said that I have a guy it was like "Oh that's cool why didn't you tell us?" After they got the name out of me…Well Lizzie started crying and Gordo yelled at me.
But that's not what I'm crying over now. He told me it was ok he told me he would always b by my side. But he wasn't A week ago… Well let me go in order. I don't know how I fell into him. He always tried to be strong around me at first but I knew he wasn't on his feet. He needed me. There were nights when he would call me and I knew he was drunk. There were nights when I would go to his apartment and find hi in a strange mood. He wasn't ever really rough with me but his silence and absent looks hurt me. After those kinds of in counters I'd home worried if h was on drugs. He could easily drive to LA from his place and there were god knows how many cheep drug dealers in LA. I always tried to be careful around him. I tried to make him see that life went on even though he had gone through a lot. I couldn't help him with money much. He thankfully didn't have overwhelming money problems. Depression was common for him though he tried to hide it from me. Often I saw through his plastic smiles. And by the time we started officially dating I was determined to help him.
You use to capturate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All The sanity in me
I thought that after a while I was starting to make a difference. And that feeling was the most fantastic thing in the world. I could tell when he was truly happy and when he was faking a good mood. When he was in himself and in a depressive state his eyes were clouded up but when he was happy or content his eyes were clear. He had amazing dark deep eyes. But even when he was out of it he made me feel so worm. He seemed to see things in such a different way then what other people saw them. He said that it was because he saw all or most sides of the a story though a lot of times not at once. He seemed to go philosophical about silly situations. He assured he of my beauty and when the time came confessed his love for me in words that at first made no sense and carried no meaning. I love you was a phrase he considered too simple to express the true feeling it stood for. "Love" he said "is something too strange and too powerful that it can't be descried in words and to heavenly to have a stamp phrase which is "I love you." For love is just a word. The feeling is to divine." I think he had expected me to laugh but I didn't. It wasn't funny though I'm sure Lizzie would of thought it so. It was interesting. A very different notion for me but in a way it made sense.
I thought the dream world I was in would last forever. I thought that we could just build a bubble around us in live in a created world that no ones foolishness could penetrate. If he had loved me he obviously had a good resin for leaving me. He never said it was over. He never said he didn't love me anymore. But one day he just wasn't there. He changed his e-mail and hi cell phone number. I don't know where he went. I don't know why he left. He didn't say goodbye. I couldn't understand his disappearance. All I found was a note. On the top in the left corner it said in his neat net cursive: Miranda… Then th rest of the note read: Dreams can be as dangerous as they are beautiful. On the bottom was his signature.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just too much that time can not erase
You cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
You'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me
I kept his note. I kept trying to figure out what it was that he meant. Maybe if I could put meaning into those words I could figure out why he left. But there was no meaning. Not that I could see. Not until now. But it was a meaning that I couldn't for the life of me put in words. And that meaning was too terrible to think of. I think that he meant something like that what we were living was an illusion and that it was dangerous to get caught up in made up worlds. I remembered him saying something about promises of forever love are foolish because it is really passion that is promised and passion can not last forever. And the rest of it isn't love at all. It's more like a generic feeling closer to friendship then the passion that both lovers had been feeling. That is why many couples break up. Because it's not the same and those are the kind of breakups that hurt the most- when you leave some one while still caring for them. Maybe that's what he meant here. His passion had died down and he had to leave or maybe….maybe it was that he didn't want us or me to know the despair of losing that passion and having to breakaway while still caring for each other. He often didn't make sense. Some of his statements where as good as paradoxes but at the same time they make sense if you think about it.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though your still with me
I've been alone all along
As much as I tried to tell myself that this was for the best and that I could go back to my old life I couldn't get over all the pane. A small doubt crept into my head. What if it was a lie. What if all he said was just a jumble of pretty words? I could never go back to the life I had before he came into it. And now I couldn't live in the sugary world hich was made up of him and our love. I sat on my bed staring into the air for hours. My heart was broken. My life was ruined. Maybe he acted only with good intensions but he hurt me nonetheless. I was trapped inside myself. But hopefully time will heal the wounds on my heart and bring me back into the word and I will be able to breath again. A for now I will just get through the monotones days without him the best I can.
You cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
You'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me