"Shut that goddamn door before we all freeze to death, you fucking-!" Kostas, a rotund and elderly little drunk, hollers when the winter wind blasts into the tavern of Big Bear Inn.
But he cuts his sentence short when he sees the tall, brawny barbarian standing in the doorway.
The newcomer glares at him with icy blue eyes and growls in a deep voice, "What did you just say to me, old man?"
Kostas turns pale and fearfully stutters, "I… I just… Well,… Could… Could you close the door please?"
The outsider's demeanor suddenly changes.
He grins jovially at the drunk and replies, "Of course."
He shuts the door then slowly crosses the hardwood floor towards the counter. The patrons quietly stare at him in awe.
The stranger has longish golden hair, a goatee, and skin that has been bronzed by the sun in a distant land with a much warmer climate. He wears an iron belt, fur loincloth, fur-topped boots, a cuff on his right wrist, and a bracer on his left forearm. He carries a double-headed battle axe with a long haft in one hand. There is a knife in a sheath strapped to the side of his right boot. His torso is covered in armor, and on its chest is a symbol that is either an axe head or the letter H.
He doesn't at all seem bothered by the attention everyone is giving him. He even smiles at them, though they are all too afraid to smile back.
"Welcome to Isychia, traveler," the pretty elven barmaid with the cute dimples, long wavy red hair, pointy ears, and ample bosom that her off-the-shoulder dress can barely contain greets him in a soft voice from behind the counter. "You'll forgive Kostas for his rudeness. He gets a bit irritable after one too many drinks. He meant no disrespect."
"No harm done," the traveler reassures her as he sits on a stool.
"My name is Margaret. But you can call me Mamie. Everyone in town does. What can I get you?"
"I'll have a pint of rum. I'll need some fire in my belly after all that ice and snow outside."
"All right, everyone! Back to your booze! Let the man drink in peace!" Troy, the establishment's lanky and balding proprietor announces. He turns to his wife, Helena, a talented lutenist, and says, "Go play some music to relieve the tension in here, my dear, won't you?"
The music plays, and the drunkards return to sharing tales of misery and woe, particularly about loved ones they've lost to the ruthless, bloodthirsty orcs. Mamie pours the outsider his drink. As he takes a swig, she notices the specks of dried blood on his armor.
"Are you hurt?" she asks him. "I'm afraid we don't have a healer nearby, but we do have some healing potions-"
"It's not my blood," he informs her. "That's orc blood. Damn things are near impossible to clean off."
"You survived a fight with an orc?!" Mamie nearly yells in disbelief.
"No. I won a fight with an orc. Orcs, actually. There were five of them as I recall. Or six," the barbarian corrects her before taking another sip.
The elf regards him with suspicion and says, "There have been plenty of orc attacks in Isychia lately. The Evil Lord of Destruction, Skeletor, has sent one of his lackeys, the orc sword master Samo Raimi, with an army of orcs to subjugate this village. And they would have succeeded already if it were not for He-Man and the heroic Masters of the Universe."
"You are very welcome," the man replies with a slight bow.
Mamie stares at him with her eyes wide open in quiet shock for a few seconds before asking, "You…are He-Man?"
"Let's make that our little secret for now," the man claiming to be He-Man whispers. "I don't want everybody here fawning over me. At least not until I've finished my drink."
The elf is skeptical. She leans back and crosses her arms over her chest.
Then, she says, "You know, I was at the market square the other day. And I heard the town crier warn people of a charlatan that goes around impersonating He-Man."
The traveler starts coughing on his rum.
Mamie continues, "Turns out the impostor does this in order to get himself free drinks. Or even trick women into his bed."
He-Man produces a gold coin, slides it over the countertop towards the barmaid with his index finger, and says, "I'm paying for this drink."
"That's too much for one pint."
"I'll take the whole flagon. And a room for the night."
"That's still too much."
"I don't mind. It's not mine. It belonged to one of the orcs."
"He-Man doesn't steal."
"The orc was already dead. He had no need of it."
"He-Man doesn't kill either."
"This He-Man does."
H
Mamie had spent the last hour tossing and turning in her bed since sleep refused to claim her, so she anxiously paces back and forth while biting on her thumbnail in her small room at the inn. It is already very late, and the snowstorm outside seems to have gotten worse with the windows rattling.
"Is it possible?" the elf asks herself. "Could he truly be the legendary hero? But why would someone so famous bother himself with a humble tavern in the middle of nowhere? Why would he visit a tavern for that matter?! None of the stories I've heard before ever mentioned He-Man being a drinker. And this outsider clearly has a fondness for the bottle."
She nervously stares at the door while tapping her foot on the floor and thinks, "But what if he actually is who he says he is? He's only here for the night. He'll be gone tomorrow. This could be my only chance to ask for his help. And he claims to have no qualms about killing, so he can rid Isychia of Samo Raimi permanently." She exhales in frustration. "Then again, he could just be scheming to have his way with me. So many villagers are suffering from these orc attacks, I actually wouldn't mind giving myself to him in exchange for his help. Besides, he's actually quite handsome. In a rugged sort of way, I suppose. Too muscular for my taste though. I prefer lean men over-" She catches herself. "Oh gods, Mamie! What are you thinking?! Focus!"
H
Mamie raps on the door to the outsider's room. Then, she steps back, straightens her nightgown, and brushes her hair a little with her fingers.
"What am I trying to look presentable for?" she asks herself. "I'm going to ask for his help, not seduce him for it."
The door swings open. Mamie smiles, but the smile instantly vanishes when she sees the outsider standing completely naked in the doorway. She catches her breath at the sight of his broad chest, chiseled six-pack, and impressive equipment.
"What?" He-Man asks a little sleepily.
The elf blushes and quickly looks away.
She stutters, "F-Forgive me! I, uhm,… I just wanted to see you naked. I... I mean, I wanted to see if you needed anything."
"No," the traveler casually replies.
"V-Very well. Goodnight. I… I'm sorry."
"Wait."
Mamie turns and is just about to leave when the outsider grabs her forearm and pulls her to him. The barmaid gasps when her body is pressed against his and he looks into her eyes.
She swallows hard then clears her throat and asks, "C-Can I help you with someth-?"
The barbarian abruptly kisses her in the mouth. Mamie squeaks with her eyes open wide in shock. She can taste the rum in his breath. She frantically places her hands on his chest to push him away.
But she doesn't. Instead, her tense body relaxes a little. Her eyes slowly close. And she moans softly while kissing him back. With one sinewy arm around her waist, He-Man easily lifts her off the floor and carries her into his room. He shuts the door with his free hand.
H
Mamie lies naked on her side in the outsider's bed, her creamy fair skin glistening with sweat, while she tries to catch her breath. Her head is resting on his chest, and she has one arm over his stomach.
She asks, "Why are you so different from what I've heard of you?"
"How so?" He-Man responds with a question of his own.
"Well, for one thing, you make love like a wild animal. I have a bite mark on my arse to prove it."
The outsider chuckles at the remark.
The elf continues, "I mean, you don't conduct yourself like a noble at all."
"Noble? I'm no nobleman," he tells her.
Mamie looks at him and says, "Aren't you suppose to be a prince from a distant land?"
"Ah! The lazy young prince that uses a magic sword to transform himself and his cowardly pet into a mighty hero and a fierce tiger. I've heard of that fairy tale."
"I heard you were gay," the barmaid quips.
He-Man laughs heartily and replies, "I'm not that He-Man."
"Which He-Man are you then?"
The outsider sighs and is quiet for a few seconds before answering, "I'm the savage that came from a tribe living deep in an Eternian jungle. One day, I receive a premonition of evil that I must vanquish. Or perhaps it was my own wanderlust. Either way, I leave my home with nothing but a spear and a fur pelt. Then, I end up rescuing a woman who turned out to be the Goddess."
"You mean the Sorceress."
"No, I mean the Goddess. She has green skin that appears to glow, and she wears a cobra headdress and armor."
Mamie trembles and says, "She sounds frightening."
"You would be mistaken. She is very beautiful."
There is a faraway look in the barbarian's eyes; as if he is recalling a memory that is sad yet precious to him.
"I've never heard this story," the elf sympathetically admits. "Would you tell me more?"
However, the jungle savage rolls back on top of her and purrs like a tiger, "No more storytelling. Not when there are other far more exciting things we can do with our time tonight."
"Again?!" Mamie asks in surprise. "After all that?!"
"Of course. Haven't you heard? I'm the most powerful man in the universe."
H
The storm has subsided the following day, but the elven barmaid is roused from sleep by a commotion from outside. The golden-haired barbarian is still sound asleep and snoring next to her. While holding a blanket around her naked body, the elf peers through the second story window. She gasps fearfully when she sees Samo Raimi, a tall and wiry gray-skinned orc in red samurai armor, on horseback accompanied by a squad of green orcs armed with clubs.
H
"Let me rephrase," the orc sword master says in a condescending tone. "Tell me where He-Man is, and Lord Skeletor will reward you generously. Hide him from me, and I shall punish you severely."
"And I can't think of any other way to tell you that I don't know anything!" Troy replies. "Only one outsider came here last night, and it wasn't He-Man. It was some battle armored barbarian."
"Why do you insist on protecting him? He-Man is not the hero you think he is. He brutally murdered six orcs for their gold!"
"No. He-Man would never do something so horrible."
"Well, the orcs didn't kill themselves, did they?! I saw the bodies and tracked the killer here myself, so I'll ask you again. Where is He-Man?!"
"I don't know!"
Samo exhales wearily. Then, he nods at one of his orc soldiers. The soldier grunts respectfully and promptly strikes the innkeeper in the face with the back of his fist. Troy spews blood and falls to his knees.
"Troy!" Helena screams.
She attempts to rush to her husband's side, but an orc wraps his arms around her waist from behind to restrain her.
"No! Let go of me!" the lutenist yells with her legs flailing.
"Don't you dare touch my wife, you bastard!" Troy growls even as blood dribbles down his chin.
H
Mamie shakes the barbarian from sleep and frantically whispers, "Traveler! Traveler, wake up!"
"What, what?" He-Man groggily asks. "Do you want to go again? Because I am good to go again."
"Samo Raimi and his orcs are here looking for you!"
"Damnit. I was sure the snowstorm last night would be enough to cover my tracks."
They both hurriedly get dressed and descend the stairs.
However, to the barbarian's surprise, the barmaid opens a back door and whispers, "Quickly! This way!"
He-Man appears insulted and says, "You would have me flee? Don't you want me to slay those orcs after all the misery they've brought upon your village?"
"No! I want He-Man to slay those orcs. And you? You are not He-Man! You think you are. You've fooled so many people for so long that you've started to believe in your own lies!"
The outsider furrows his brow and replies, "Interesting theory. How are you so certain of it?"
"Because I'm nobody!" Mamie answers, tears welling in her eyes. "It's like you said in your story. Heroes rescue goddesses or princesses. They don't waste their time on tavern wenches! So you can't possibly be the real He-Man!"
He-Man just quietly stares at her for a few seconds. Then, he turns and strides towards the front door, carrying his massive battle axe over one shoulder.
"Where are you going?" the elf worriedly calls after him. "If you go out there, they'll kill you!"
"If I don't go out there, they might kill the innkeeper and his wife," the outsider responds. "Whether I'm He-Man or not, I can't allow innocents to die on my behalf." Before he opens the door, he looks back at the barmaid and adds with a smile, "And you're not nobody."
H
"This is how it's going to work," the orc samurai informs the innkeeper. "My soldiers and I are going to take turns raping your wife until you give us what we want."
"NO!" Helena screams when the orc soldier sniggers lustfully, forces her down on her stomach, and pins her to the ground with his weight.
Troy begs the sword master, "No, no, no! Please! We don't know anything. He-Man isn't here! Why won't you believe me? Why won't you believe me?!"
Samo considers the proprietor's pleas and says, "You know something? Maybe I was wrong. It was snowing so hard last night, maybe I got turned around. Maybe this isn't where my prey went after all."
"Yes! Yes! I… I'm sure that's what happened!" the innkeeper hopefully speaks.
"However,…we've come all this way. And your wife is actually quite easy on the eyes. We might as well rape her anyway."
"You son of a bitch!"
"Looking for me?!" He-Man booms as he descends the front steps.
Samo asks, "Who the devil are you?"
"What, the big orange H on my chest isn't an obvious enough clue? I am He-Man, the Most Powerful Man in the Universe!"
The orc leader squints at the savage for a few seconds then says, "No, you're not. He-Man's gay. You're way too scruffy and dirty to be gay."
"Too bad for you then. I'm the He-Man you got."
The barbarian holds his axe before him with both hands and prepares for battle. Mamie cautiously peeks through a crack in the doorway.
"Well, I suppose I can't have a faker like you running around and leading Lord Skeletor's forces on a wild-goose chase," the orc samurai tells the barbarian. He casually instructs one of his soldiers, "Kill him."
The soldier grins menacingly, revealing a row of sharp teeth. With his club raised high, he snarls and rushes towards the hero. He-Man raises the axe over his head then hurls it forward. The weapon revolves several times in midair before burying one of its blades into the orc's chest. The soldier screeches as he is sent sliding across the snow on his back. He dies with his eyes and mouth wide open in shock even before his backward movement stops.
"How about that?" Samo says, more amused than anything else by the death of his subordinate. "So all those huge muscles of yours aren't just for show." He commands the rest of his men, "Tear the barbarian apart."
The orc soldiers, minus the one holding Helena hostage, roar as they attack simultaneously. He-Man dodges and parries while he counterattacks with powerful punches to the head and body. He is moving so quickly that it almost appears as though his fists are flying. He breaks his opponents' ribs and shatters their jaws. Their blood spatter his armor. And in a short time, the orcs lie unconscious at the barbarian's feet.
Samo Raimi draws his katana from its scabbard and spurs his horse forward. He slashes at He-Man. Sparks fly from the tip of the blade as it cuts a deep diagonal scratch across the H on the hero's battle armor. The swing is so powerful that it sends the brawny barbarian tumbling in the snow.
Mamie worriedly gasps into her palm. The samurai's horse trots towards the dazed hero.
Samo points his blade at He-Man's chest and is just about to give him the coup de grace when the elven barmaid bursts out the door and screams, "NO! Get away from him!"
The orc leader turns his head.
He smirks lasciviously when he sees her and says, "An elf. And a very pretty one at that. A rare prize indeed."
Mamie fearfully runs towards He-Man's battle axe. She grabs the haft with both hands, but no matter how hard she tries, she is unable to yank it out of the dead orc's chest.
"So heavy!" she thinks. "How was the traveler able to carry this thing around in one hand?!"
Taking advantage of the distraction, the heroic jungle savage cups a hand around his mouth and utters a primal call that echoes across the snow covered landscape, startling crows off their nests.
Samo looks at him and casually asks, "What was that suppose to be, a cry for mercy?"
Suddenly, an enormous green tiger in red armor springs out from behind the trees and roars.
"What the fuck-?!" the samurai shrieks.
His horse neighs fearfully and rears up on its hind legs, accidentally throwing its rider off its saddle. Samo grunts as he falls hard on his back. His katana slips from his hand. The horse gallops away, but the tiger chases it, tackles it to the ground, and savagely mauls it to death.
Both He-Man and Samo slowly rise to their feet, but the hero manages to attack first. He hits the samurai with a thunderous punch. The orc leader screams as he is launched into the air and sent crashing into the thick trunk of a large tree.
The barbarian draws his knife and marches towards his enemy. With his free hand, he pins the samurai against the tree trunk. Then, he repeatedly drives the blade into the orc's lower abdomen, which is unprotected by armor. Samo groans with each vicious stab. Blood gushes from his mouth and stomach. Finally, his head droops, and he stops moving. He-Man allows his lifeless form to slump on the ground.
The last remaining orc screeches in panic. He releases Helena and scurries into the trees. Troy hurries to his wife's side. They embrace and sob in relief.
Mamie approaches the hero and speaks in disbelief, "You've done it. You killed Samo Raimi and saved all of Isychia."
"That I have," the barbarian rather smugly replies. "And now to claim my prize."
"OH!" the barmaid exclaims when he pulls her to him then abruptly kisses her in the mouth again.
EPILOGUE
He-Man does not kill the unconscious orcs as he considers it dishonorable for a warrior to take the life of an enemy that does not pose a grave threat. Instead, he waits for them to wake. Then, he instructs them to take their dead and injured along with a warning to never return to Isychia.
Much later, while the sun begins to set, the elven barmaid and the savage traveler share one final kiss and bid each other farewell.
As the outsider rides away on his armored green tiger, Helena asks, "So…is he really He-Man or not?"
Mamie answers, "Of course he is. He's the other He-Man."
END