Keep Her Close
Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, ok?! Now would you PLEASE stop reminding me? sniff
Here I am. Again I am plagued by thoughts of you and I know not why. "Keep her close," my father had said, that last day we talked, before he died. He had been looking at my mother; praying I would find the woman of my dreams as he had. I remember, when they died, seeing him reach out and grab my mother's arm as the fell. They died holding hands. He wanted me to have that. To be able to be with the one I love until the day I die. But I don't love anyone. Not any more. Not since they died. My heart is locked, guarded. And yet here I am plagued by thoughts of you and I know not why.
Why do you have to be so sweet? So gentle and understanding with me, when I don't deserve it? Why did you have to become my very best friend? How did you break the lock on my heart with such ease? I am sitting here thinking of you and all I can do is clutch desperately to the last thread that binds me to reason. The reasoning that tells me loving you is wrong and reminds me all it would ever do is hurt you. You see? You must flee my thoughts, fair angel, to where my suppressed love cannot hurt you. To have you used against me… to allow the danger of you becoming a pawn in some morbid game… oh how it would kill me, Starfire, to let that happen.
This is why you must leave my thoughts. Allow me to remain in my sweet denial, where I do not love you and you are just a teammate and no more. I want to love you, trust that, but if ever an enemy of mine were to take you, hold you against me… I could not bear to live. So, Starfire, understand we can never be more than just friends.
My thoughts are turbulent and I cannot sleep. Why is she doing this to me? I knew it was going to happen, when I relaxed the walls I had so carefully put up so she could become my friend. I never allowed anyone to understand me as fully as she does. I misjudged myself. I thought I could keep myself from loving her. But it isn't working. I am barely able to tell myself I do not love her anymore. I stand. It is no use trying to sleep. I move slowly to my door, out into the hall, up a flight of stairs, and out onto the roof.
The cold air sends a shiver through my body and for a moment I stand rigid. But it is not so much to breeze which glues me to my spot. It is her soft form against the darkened sky, gazing out into nothing. It is the silky curtain of auburn that is being lifted gently off her shoulders by the draft and it is the long, slim legs drawn up to her chest and curling her into a tiny ball. It is the flash of jade that twinkles in the silver light; it is Starfire that stops me in my tracks. She is sad. I can see it in the way she looks imploringly out at the sea and the way she clutches her knees close to her.
"Star…?" I ask, my voice quiet. She turns and looks at me and I see the hope in her eyes. She is silently asking me to help her and I know it.
"Oh, Robin…" she murmurs. Her voice is bitter. I am taken back by the despair in her voice. This is not Starfire. Not my vibrant goddess with the eternal smile. I feel myself moving towards her.
"Star, what's wrong?" I don't understand. I vaguely remember I came here to forget about her and to try and seduce sleep into visiting me. I abandon such desires and my sole purpose is to comfort her.
"Why do you tease me?" she asks, her eyes search my face and meet my own though she does not know it because they hide behind my mask. I look at her in confusion. Tease her? I would never dream of teasing her.
"I don't understand…" I shake my head, not comprehending.
"Why… do you make me feel so loved and then brush off the others' questions and say I am just a friend? Why can you not just make up your mind? Why can you not just tell me you do not love me and then treat me as so? Why? Can you not just give me a clear answer?" Her voice quavers and I am in shock. I never thought…
"…I… can't…" I answer. I cannot act like I don't love her when I do. I cannot tell her I don't love her because it would be a lie. I love her. I cannot tell her, though. Because I have told myself I do not love her.
"You can't what?" she asks, and I see tears snake down her golden cheeks.
"Say I don't love you," I reply. It is the truth. I can't say I don't love her. But I can't say I do.
"Why?" she whispers, confused.
"Be-because I… I… do," I stutter. I told her. Oh no… I told her…
"Robin…" she breathes. I feel her come close to me. I feel her velvet lips brush mine. I feel her kissing me so tenderly… and I turn away.
"Robin… why?" she asks, confused. I try to leave but she stops me. "Why?" she inquires again and I answer.
"Because I can't love you. It will put you in danger. I won't be able to live if my love for you hurts you…" I choke out. She gives me a look. It's something I've never seen before… anger? Not quite, but close. She takes my face in her hands and plants her lips squarely on mine.
"Don't be stupid." She says and I double take.
"What?!" I am completely bewildered.
"I am in danger every day because I am a Teen Titan. It makes no difference. I can either be in danger with your love or without it and… Robin… frankly, I want to be in danger with it…" she searches my face again and I see she is… right. I stare at her and she shakes her head. I see the sadness in her eyes as she turns to leave. I have stared too long. I grab her shoulder and spin her to face me. Her eyes are wide and I give her a very tiny smile before I kiss her. And as I kiss her I promise myself… I will always keep her close.
Author's Notes: Sorry about this if it sucked, guys. I felt like doing something from Robin's POV. WingsofaRaven, I'm almost done with the first chappie of The Third Quadrant and I promise to post it soon. Just so you know, this was my first fic in first-person and in present tense for that matter. I hope you weren't terribly disgusted with it. Please R and R, I love it when you guys tell me what you think. I assume you guys figured out italics were Robin's thoughts but… for any slow people, italics were Robin's thoughts.