Chapter Six - Friends In High Places
High above the Earth, in the Justice League Watchtower, Green Lantern glanced out of the window and was surprised to see a baseball floating in the blackness of space. As the Watchtower's sophisticated defense systems kicked into gear and blasted the baseball back towards Earth, Green Lantern's attention was diverted by the sound of approaching footsteps. Spinning around he saw Superman accompanied by Lois Lane and Lana Lang.
"So, Superman, what can I do for you?"
"It's my friends who need help, Green Lantern, not I," explained Superman. "You'll remember how J'onn's telepathy quickly discovered that my mind was actually that of Dr. Virgil Swann."
"Of course, Doc, but we didn't mind. After all, you're so much better than the last guy." Green Lantern turned his attention towards Lois. "Hey, Lois, do you remember those stories you told me about Clark at the Christmas party? What a bozo!"
Whilst Lois Lane went red and Lana Lang turned her face away from Lois and shuffled her feet, Superman explained to Green Lantern that Lois was really Clark and Lana was really Lois.
"Anyway, Green Lantern," said Superman, wanting to hasten matters. "It appears that when I let Wonder Woman play Frisbee with Krypto several weeks ago, it ended up with Lana Lang taking over Wonder Woman's body. I guess that explains Wonder Woman's recent erratic behavior."
"Erratic behavior?" asked the real Lois.
Superman paused for a second, while he figured out the most tactful way to phrase things, and then attempted to elaborate. "It appears, Lois, that despite her recent body swap, Lana Lang continues to be man's best friend."
"She's still a dog?" asked a confused Clark.
"No, Clark," Superman continued patiently. "Lana's found a way to burn off all that excessive Amazon energy."
Looking at Clark's blank face, Green Lantern felt he had to intervene. "To put it simply, Clark, in the last couple of weeks Lana's slept with every one of our members."
"What? Slept with all of the Justice League?" asked an amazed Clark. That was unthinkable, nobody could do that (unless you counted Hawkgirl's escapades during the Thanagarian mating season).
"Well, I guess it's kind of understandable," pondered Lois, as she watched the tall vibrating red figure of The Flash enter the room.
"No, not with the Justice League," replied Green Lantern, laughing and shaking his head. "I meant the Green Lantern Corps."
"Even G'nort?" asked Clark.
"Even Mogo and he doesn't socialize," answered Green Lantern.
"Apparently the Earth moved," added The Flash.
"So where's Wonder Woman now?" asked Lois, half hoping that the answer was outside the solar system. For, when all was said and done, what chance did she and Clark stand against Wonder Woman? For all the other mighty heroes had weaknesses - Superman had kryptonite, Zatanna had palindromes, Captain Marvel Junior had introducing himself - but Wonder Woman, apart from a recently-acquired predilection for the color pink, had none.
"She's been as hard to keep tabs on as Batman recently," announced Green Lantern. "The last place she was seen was on Paradise Island."
"Well, that's where we're going," said Lois, grabbing hold of Clark's hand. "Which way's the transporter room?"
No sooner had the transporter beam deposited Clark and Lois in Wonder Woman's hometown of Paradise Island than they were surrounded by a horde of Amazons. The tallest of the Amazons walked up to the duo, brandishing a spear.
"We do not take kindly to outsiders who would dare to intrude on our unspoiled ... hey, are you Lana Lang?"
Lois, who figured she had nothing to lose, nodded.
The Amazon started to giggle uncontrollably. "Hey, I love your coffee. And that self-help book of yours Women are Pink, Men are Red and Blue or Black changed my life."
"Hey, you can stay at my place," shouted another of the Amazons.
"No, mine, for as long as you want," yelled another.
"No, mine" screamed some others.
And so it was that, within the hour, a tournament was being held to find which Amazon was worthy of Lana's company.
Whilst all the Amazons were at the local stadium undergoing all sorts of grueling trials, Lois and Clark wandered around the island. In her short time as Princess Diana, Lana had certainly changed the place, for there, amongst the ancient buildings, stood a bright pink La La Land coffee house.
"I shouldn't really be here," said a worried Clark. "No man's supposed to set foot on Paradise Island."
"Relax, Smallville. It's only your mind that's male. I can hardly see that setting off any detectors."
"But ..." argued Clark, as Lois just ignored him and walked into La La Land.
"Why have we come in here?" asked Clark as he followed Lois.
"They've got internet access. I can check with Dr. Swann if there have been any sightings of Wonder Woman while we've been stuck on this island."
"You're not from around these parts, are you?" asked the Amazon behind the counter.
"No," replied Lois. "I'm Lana Lang and I -"
At which point the Amazon punched her. Very hard.
As Lois regained consciousness she saw the Amazon standing over her.
"Sorry about that, Lana. Couldn't help myself. If you worked for your company you'd understand why."
"Actually I'm not really Lana," explained Lois, dusting herself down. "In fact I'm trying to stop her. She's currently taken over the body of Princess Diana."
"So that's why Princess Diana was acting strangely," exclaimed the Amazon.
"Strangely?" asked Clark.
"Yes, she was in here a couple of days ago surfing the net when suddenly she leapt up screaming Eureka and then left straight away. Haven't seen her since."
"Do you know her account details?" asked Lois.
The Amazon nodded.
"Smallville, you check through the history to see what web pages she's visited while I check to see if Dr. Swann's heard anything," ordered Lois.
And so it was that Clark searched through the last sites that Wonder Woman had visited and was surprised that they were all concerned with fan fiction. Not Xena fan fiction like all the other Amazons read, but Justice League fan fiction. Clark read through the stories, horrified that people could make up these stories about him and his friends, and, after the twenty fifth or so story, he realized that all of the stories Lana had read were ending the same way.
Meanwhile Lois had received a reply from Dr. Swann telling of the chaos currently going on in New York City. Wonder Woman had apparently turned into a vigilante, swinging through the city on her golden lasso accompanied by Wonder Girl The Girl Wonder. Meanwhile the hospitals were full of criminals brought in the previous night complaining of Amazon brutality, and the road hazard rate had risen so sharply, thanks to cars constantly smashing into an invisible Wondermobile, that it now equaled Smallville's at the start of the century. On the plus side, the Daily Planet's fashion correspondent really liked Wonder Woman's new cape and cowl.
Lois and Clark turned to each other and simultaneously declared "Batman's in Wonder Woman."