Chapter Eight - The Last Laugh

As Lois and Clark stood there in the cold of Crime Alley, waiting for some criminals to show up who might lead them to The Joker, Lois came to the realization that, as Clark's stupid ideas went, this was one of the stupider ones. Whereas she knew she could handle herself in a fight, Clark, who was used to his super-powers, would be instinctively staring at the bad guys' weapons in a forlorn attempt to melt them, or needlessly be pulling his punches. She should have just whacked him over the head the minute he'd come up with it but she'd still been feeling guilty about whacking him over the head for the idea he had immediately prior to that one of just giving up on finding The Joker and heading to Smallville because Lana was bound to go back there sometime. Whacking him over the head was a force of habit after all their years together - she kept forgetting that he wasn't invulnerable anymore.

And so it was that, after a much longer wait than Lois expected, a muscle-bound goon appeared in the darkness and started to approach them. Lois fell naturally into a fighting stance, while Clark took a more unique approach.

"Glad to see you sir," he said cheerfully, pleased that someone had now turned up. "You look reasonably scum-like so I was wondering if you could help me and my friend find The Joker."

The muscle-bound goon laughed. "Normally I'd kill anyone that spoke to me like that. Anyone I met in fact. But not today, for today I've finally been shown the love and attention that I always secretly craved and as a result I am cured of my evil. Follow me, ladies."

"It's a trap," whispered Lois to Clark. "It can't be this easy."

Clark smiled. He loved it when a plan came together - and just this once it was one of his.

The muscle-bound goon ushered Clark and Lois into a large hall, full of ne'er-do-wells and rapscallions sat around a large table.

"Who knows what dastardly plot The Joker's got hatching?" asked Lois.

The muscle-bound goon grabbed hold of Lois' wrist angrily, and then sheepishly let go of it. "Sorry 'bout that, lady, but you riled me. Sure The Joker was crazier than ever yesterday, but since he got back from Smallville he's a changed man. He's shown us all the error of our ways."

At which point The Joker entered. "Hello, boys. Here's what you've been waiting for," he said as he served up piping hot slices of pie to everyone there. Suddenly The Joker noticed the new arrivals at the same time that Clark recognized the pie smell.

"Lois? Lana?" exclaimed The Joker.

"Mom?" exclaimed Clark.

"Clark?" exclaimed Martha.

Letitia sat in The Kents' apartment watching TV as the two children sat quietly, as good as gold, in front of the window.

Using their X-ray and telescopic vision they were watching Superman save a cat in Metropolis, Dr. Swann planning to take over the world from his volcano hideout, Chloe Sullivan chasing cats, Krypto writing a fanfic called Paradise about Princess Diana before she became Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman dancing the Batusi, Batman attempting to kick start a career in stand-up, and The Joker serving ne'er-do-wells dessert.

Clark Junior looked up over Metropolis and there, high in the stratosphere, he saw the baseball he'd thrown earlier, although, annoyingly, it looked like it would reach Smallville one second later than he'd planned. Clark Junior grimaced.

"Can't I stay for dessert?" pleaded Clark.

"No way, Smallville. If Martha's in The Joker's body then, hopefully, Lana's still in Martha's body. We've got to reach Lana before she does any more mind-swaps. Can't believe that you hadn't even told Jonathan and Martha that you were stuck in my body."

"I didn't want to worry them," explained Clark. "Besides they were so proud of the wonderful things Superman was doing."

Lois shook her head in dismay, and then smiled. "So if Jonathan and Martha thought you were me does that mean ... ?"

Clark blushed and nodded. "Yeah, Dad flirts with me outrageously and Mom tells me all about their sex life."

"Did she tell you how she dresses up for your Dad on Mondays?"

"Yeah, Dad loved that show, just because he thought he looked like one of the stars."

"Only better looking," added Lois, remembering Martha's comments from long ago.

Clark's face went pale. "Wait a minute, it's Monday today."

"Daisy Duke night," said Lois with a shudder.

"Forget dessert. We've got to get to Smallville fast," said Clark dropping his spoon.

People had judged Lana Lang by her appearance all her life. Said things about her behind her back, or sometimes to her face (assuming that the inferences, like their whole sentences, would be lost on her). That was why she'd been so glad to change her appearance, flitting from body to body, being seen differently by the world. But, of course, that body-swapping hadn't made her happy, for through it all she was haunted by the indelible memory of her parents' death. Also, no matter how many Green Lantern Corps members she slept with, she was also haunted by her one true love from those days back in Smallville - Jonathan Kent.

Maybe she'd been looking for a replacement father figure. Who knows the ways of the heart? But all that time in Smallville she'd kept her secret hidden love secret and hidden, especially from Jonathan. Of course she'd tried to keep Clark at arm's length, but it was doomed to failure because Clark was her link to Jonathan. She still couldn't believe how she'd visited Clark all those times in the loft week after week just on the off-chance she'd run into Jonathan.

But all of those times were behind her now and nothing could destroy her happiness for now she was Martha Kent. She was even willing to put up with Jonathan's outlandish desires, searching everywhere for Martha's Daisy outfit to no avail (although she wasn't surprised that Martha would go to great lengths to hide it). In the end she'd had to buy a new one and she was wearing it now as she approached Jonathan's bedroom finally ready for the thing she'd been fantasizing about back in her adolescence.

Suddenly she heard a banging on the door downstairs, but she was prepared. Nobody was going to spoil her happiness this night. Grabbing a convenient shotgun she headed downstairs and pulled open the door only to find herself and Lois Lane standing there.

"Lana?" asked Clark, looking at the person who appeared to be his mother.

"It's got to be," said Lois.

"That's right," yelled the woman who appeared to be Martha Kent. "I'm the real Lana Lang!"

With that, she whacked Clark over the head with the gun, sending him tumbling to the ground unconscious.

This made Lois angry - only she could whack Smallville over the head. She rushed at Lana but stopped dead when she saw the gun barrel pointing straight at her.

"So, it looks like I win," laughed Lana. "All those years you and your cousin and everybody else I know looked down on me, but let me tell you this, Lois, Lana Lang is nobody's fool."

Lois Lane laughed. She wasn't sure if it was because of nerves or because of Lana's Daisy Duck costume, but, as Lana's finger tightened on the trigger, it looked like her life was over.

And then Clark regained consciousness, and, seeing something up in the sky rushing towards Lana, who looked like his mother, he instinctively shouted "Mom, look out!"

But the person in his mother's body had no time to move as a baseball suddenly descended from the heavens and smashed into her face.

Ten seconds later Jonathan descended the stairs to see what appeared to be Lois Lane and Lana Lang standing over Martha Kent's unconscious body.

Clark looked tired. "So, Lois, do you think we'll be able to convince Lana to get things back to normal?"

"Doubt it, Smallville. Things have just got too complicated and the moment Lana comes around she'll be swapping minds anyway. She'll just have to go into solitary confinement."

"What about Dad? How will he cope with his wife's brain in The Joker and her body locked up somewhere," asked Clark.

"Maybe we should move in with him for a while. Help him get over it."

"I thought you liked Metropolis?"

"Yeah, but I love Smallville," she replied, taking Clark in her arms and smiling.

And so it all ended, more confused than ever, with Martha Kent locked away for life with no visitors whatsoever. Fortunately it wasn't really Martha Kent, but unfortunately it wasn't Lana Lang either - she'd swapped minds again just before the baseball hit her. Lana Lang's mind was now back in Lana Lang's body just as Lois Lane (who now looked like Martha Kent) had wished for that very morning.

"Be careful what you wish for," thought Lois.

THE END