There Goes My Life, part 3
xxxx
Dawn groaned and curled into a ball, pressing her hands into her eyes, hoping to staunch the bleeding pain in her head. Cautiously she slit her eyelids to half-mast. Where was she?
She took in the bright light, the cream colored walls, the tasteful decoration. She sat up, squinted around the room – artwork, a pool sparkling outside. Ryan.
Dawn felt her stomach turn over and she made a dash for the bathroom. Oh, my God. As she retched, it all came back to her with a stunning clarity, and she started to cry, tears streaming silently down her cheeks while she emptied the remnants of her latest screw-up into the toilet.
When it was over, she got shakily to her feet. She rinsed her face and stared at herself in the mirror. The woman she saw there couldn't possibly be only 40. She thought of Kirsten Cohen's elegant beauty and felt another wave of nausea. Dawn wanted to hate her for her looks, for her wealth, for her family – but she couldn't. She'd experienced Kirsten's kindness – toward her, toward her son. She'd watched Ryan interact with Kirsten, watched him watch Seth's mom, seen the longing, the fascination. It had made Dawn want another chance, a chance to be that for her own son. But she'd ruined it.
And she wouldn't do this to him again.
x
She paused for just a moment before she turned to the door, looking down at her little boy. He was no longer little, not much longer a boy. Trembling, she reached out a hand to touch his cheek, still baby soft in his sleep. He sighed and curled tighter in on himself, and Dawn felt her heart shatter at the familiar response. It didn't matter. This was what was best.
"Bye, baby," she whispered. "I love you."
x
Dawn forced herself to smile and wave at Ryan as he stood, bereft, on the doorstep of the pool house. She watched his face fall and his expression waver; from uncertainty to heartbreak and finally, to acceptance. His hand came up in an answering wave, eyes bleak in his confusion and loss. He wouldn't expect any better from her, she knew. He couldn't.
She turned and walked around the side of the house, not brave enough or steady enough to risk another encounter with a member of the Cohen family this morning. But before she rounded the corner, she cast one look back. And saw Kirsten, a hesitant hand stretched toward Ryan; and Ryan head bowed, his own unsteady hand coming up to wipe at the tears that had started down his cheeks.
Dawn choked back a sob and fled, down the driveway to her waiting cab. As the taxi pulled away, she turned for one last look at the life she would give her son, even if it meant giving up her own.
xxxx
"Mom!" Seth was yelling at the top of his lungs, standing in his room, shouting – for no good reason – at the ceiling. "Where are those things?!"
In the kitchen, Kirsten frowned. She walked around to call up the stairs, "What things?"
"You know. The things!"
Kirsten shook her head, and called again, "No, I don't know! What things?"
"Those things you got…" He still hadn't moved and was screaming.
"Seth!" Now it was Sandy – clearly out of patience. "Just come down here and tell us what you want!"
"Kirsten?" Ryan entered the kitchen from the pool house. "Do you know where those things are?"
"The things," Seth's voice was heavy exasperation and false patience, as he walked in the room, "Mother. The pluggy things so I can plug my things into the European things that don't like American things."
"Yeah, those things." Ryan agreed.
"Do you mean the converters?" She gave Seth a stony glare.
"Yes." His tone said plainly, duh.
She picked up one of the bags of trip supplies for the boys, and before Seth could react, flung it at him, striking him squarely in the chest. "Here."
She took the other and turned to Ryan who threw his hands up to protect himself with a grin. She lobbed the sack at him and he snagged it mid-air.
"Thanks."
Seth was wincing and rubbing his chest. "Yeah, thanks."
"Have you guys got everything else you need?" She looked at Seth. "Did I get you enough underpants, sweetie?"
"Mommmmm." Seth contorted his lanky frame in agony. "We've…"
Now, she turned to Ryan. "How about you, Ryan? Do you have enough…?"
"Yes!" Ryan almost shouted it. He never yelled, but anything to cut her off.
Kirsten smirked at Sandy and he laughed out loud as both boys fled.
"I'm wondering if I bring up their underwear whenever they ask me a question, I might be able to get some work done."
"Kirsten?" She looked around to see Ryan in the doorway.
"Have you seen my new backpack?"
Kirsten rolled her eyes at her husband, but went to help Ryan find what he needed.
x
Finally, they got the boys packed and loaded into the car. On the way to the airport they covered the last minute bases – I.D., passports, hotels, agreed upon dates to call. Kirsten and Sandy offered last minute advice on places to go and things to see.
Ryan, excited and more than a little overwhelmed by what they were about to do, leaned over the front seat listening intently, asking questions and, Kirsten knew, taking mental notes. Seth slouched in the back seat fiddling with his ipod, most of his contributions to the conversation taking the form of rejections.
"Dude, we're 22, not 80. I can only take so much time in art galleries."
Ryan rounded on his friend. "Seth, I'm not saying we have to spend all our time…."
Seth raised his voice over Ryan's. "Or 90 or 80 or…."
"It's Paris, Seth! We have to…."
It was a long-standing argument and one they'd been having since they'd finalized their Seth and Ryan Go to Europe plans. Kirsten and Sandy exchanged smiles as the battle raged in the back. Kirsten was looking forward to hearing how they settled their differences once they got on the ground in France.
x
Kirsten pulled Seth into a tight hug while Sandy did the same to Ryan.
"We love you," she said, kissing his cheek. "Be careful, OK. Don't …."
"Love you, too, Mom," Seth cut her off before she could finish her thought. He pulled away. "Don't worry so much. We'll be fine."
Kirsten gave him a faint smile. "OK."
The parents traded sons, and she hugged Ryan. "We love you, sweetie." Ryan's arms tightened carefully around her, and she smiled. Ryan's hugs were so much more, well, thoughtful, than Seth's loose-limbed, usually fleeting squeezes.
"Love you, too," he said softly.
"Be careful, OK? Don't…," she paused, don't what? Ryan was going to let her finish and she wasn't really sure what she'd been planning on saying. Don't do anything stupid? Don't talk to strangers? Don't take any wooden nickels? What?
"Don't…," she faltered, "don't forget to come home to us?" She smiled to cover up the weird, ridiculous, suddenly overwhelming sense of insecurity she was feeling letting them go.
"Oh, honey," Sandy laughed. "They'll run out of money soon enough." He put an arm around her waist as the boys shouldered their backpacks.
Ryan leaned over, kissing her swiftly on the cheek. "We'll be home in a couple of months," he smiled.
Seth, taking a cue from Ryan, did the same and she felt the smile of his lips against her skin. "Yeah, you'll be kicking us out in no time, asking us why we don't have jobs…"
"Hey, I have a job," Ryan protested.
"OK, asking me why I don't have a job. It'll be like we never left."
Kirsten laughed, as they'd intended her to, asked them one last time if they had everything and sighed as they headed toward the security line. She and Sandy waited, watching as Seth and Ryan inched forward in line. They saw them make it through the metal detector, picking their packs off the conveyor belt. Finally, loaded down again, the boys turned and waved a final good-bye.
Kirsten raised her arm, saw Sandy to the same next to her and they stood, hands held high, until Seth and Ryan were out of sight.
She
had that Honda loaded down.
With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs
of shoes and his American Express.
He checked the oil and slammed
the hood, said you're good to go.
She hugged them both and headed
off to the West Coast.
Chorus:
And he cried,
There
goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love
you.
Baby good-bye.
There goes my life.
There goes my
life.
Baby good-bye.
The End