Author's Notes: Hey everyone! This is just a little Angel story that up and occurred to me overnight (literally), I wonder why so many of them occur at night? Am I that vampire brainsoaked? Yes, I know that's not a word. So, anyway, I decided to write it! Actually, I got up, looked at the clock, cursed, and wrote out all the thoughts that had been milling around in my head. Somewhat inspired by rereading "Love Forever." :)
Spoilers: Early Angel season 5. But they're mild, not to worry.
Story Notes: This is short, bittersweet, and hopefully finished. ;) I never can quite tell if I'll finish something or not. There's a couple of strong . Oh, and when the story refers to "she" or "her" there are two easily guessed people; I just didn't really want to say who was who. 'Cause, yeah, I think you can figure it out (hint: italics mean a different "her"). There are only two people in the room, five people mentioned, and I'm not going to be a bitch, so if you read to the very bottom, you'll figure it out. Izmaldi, this one is for you darling, because it's as close as I'll ever get to writing them as a pairing. Plus, aren't you proud? Another fic with "that special someone" as a main character! Explaining, in early season 5, Lindsey's motives, and his relationship with Eve and others.
Summary: A short, bitter look at an evolution. "She's everything that isn't his type, and he likes that, likes the moments when he can look at her without guilt. When they seem like two normal people and not who they are."
Feedback: Yes! Feed the author, please! Critique/Comments/Enjoyment is greatly appreciated, honestly, just drop me a line!
Distribution: My site, BFW. Everyone else has to ask, all you have to do is click the above link and tell me you want it, I guarantee I'll say yes, you just have to ask first!
Warnings: Sex/Language/Violence: Just mentioned and under-toned, no actual doing of the deeds.
Rating: Light R
Date Started/Finished: 28 December 2004
By Delenn
He likes it when it's just about the sex. When all they're doing is fucking and he's using her and he's damn sure that she knows it and is using him too. When he can forget that he knows things that he shouldn't, wishes he didn't, and that he doesn't think he'll feel anything but hatred ever again.
She's everything that isn't his type, and he likes that, likes the moments when he can look at her without guilt. When they seem like two normal people and not who they are. That they're fucking because they want to and they like each other, not because it's necessary. Necessary for him at least.
There's moments when she looks at him, just stares up at him all wide-eyes and long lost innocence, and he knows. He knows that she does like him, and that if he was capable of it, he could like her too.
But those moments always lead to the bad times. When she lies in his arms and sleeps, curled around him like he's the world. When all he has time to do is watch her and think. Those are the bad moments. The moments where he remembers and realizes and knows so much more than he ever asked to know.
When he knows that she's not doing this purely because it's convenient to her needs. She's sleeping with him, being involved in his schemes, because she believes that she's a part of them. She was never a part of his plans, and she doesn't realize how they're doomed to end. Because he hasn't told her.
He knows so much, things he asked to know, and things he didn't. In his quest to stay safe, he was also looking. He didn't like what he found. She, she knows what she needs to in order to further his plans. No more. He's not stupid enough to think that she wouldn't use what he knows against him, so he won't give her the chance.
He knows all about Angel and Darla and the boy. Knows all about Wolfram and Hart's little plans. And every time it comes to him, in those bad moments, he has to stop himself from killing something, anything, the woman sleeping next to him. He stops himself and remembers that he just has to be patient a little longer, wait for the plan to unfurl, and then he'll have his revenge.
On top of him, she moves slightly, murmuring in her sleep, and he thinks that he hates her. Hates her for being able to enjoy life, for thinking that coming home to him every night means something, for fucking Angel. He hates her most for that.
He hates her because sometimes when he's almost asleep; he looks down at her body draped over his and imagines that it's a little cooler, fuller, and smaller. Imagines that the arm lying across his chest is paler and smoother. Then he sees her face and he hates her all the more for not being the face she should.
That face is never going to look at him the way she looks at him. Not ever, not even if she were still around, not like that. And he wants to laugh and cry and scream at the irony of it all. That they've finally broken him, but the one that was supposed to be here to do it, isn't, never will be.
Sometimes he wakes her up and fucks her again, demanding that she distract him from his thoughts the only way she can. Sometimes it's harsh, and sometimes it's sweet, it's anything as long as he doesn't have to think. Sometimes, he doesn't open his eyes because he's afraid to look at her and start thinking again. She doesn't seem to mind.
Mostly he just lies there, bogged down by his thoughts and pains and plans for revenge, forgetting that she's even next to him. Then, when the sun rises, he remembers. Funny, he's never sure how he knows when the sun is up, as he likes to keep it dark, always dark, but he just knows.
When she wakes up, he pretends to be asleep, so he doesn't have to look at her, doesn't have to talk with her. So they don't have to mean anything. If she notices, she doesn't say, doesn't wake him. Just gets ready and leaves him to his thoughts.
Thoughts that sometimes wonder if maybe she won't come back that night, if he'll have lost her like everyone else. Then he remembers that he doesn't care, that the plan is too far in motion for it to matter. If she leaves, he'll continue.
When she phones, he likes it almost as much as the sex. He likes how he can pretend anything he wants while they're on the phone. How he can talk dirty and imagine that it's someone else who is going to come to him that night. He doesn't like the lies. How she phones because she wants to be assured that he's safe, to connect. He supposes he's used to it though.
She always comes back to him at night, whether he's thought that she wouldn't or not thought of her at all. She always comes back. Sometimes it's late, and sometimes she reeks of sex with other people, and sometimes it's early, and all she wants is sex with him. He thinks that it doesn't matter to him anymore.
That soon his plan will be finished, with her help, and he'll have his revenge. And it doesn't matter what she thinks or what she wants. Doesn't matter what he says or who he wishes was there. Doesn't matter that when they fuck the name that crosses his lips is never Eve and sometimes "Darla…"
Yes, he'll have his revenge. Angel will pay. And with any luck, Lindsey thinks, he'll finally be able to rest.