Jin lay on his futon, his hands over his face, as though it would make everything go away. A child's trick, 'if you can't see me, I can't see you.' Yet nothing would go away. His mind couldn't wander. Before, he'd never been able to concentrate on a single thing for too long. His mind was always moving, and so were his winds. But now, he was caught in the doldrums; his thoughts would not leave Touya, and his winds were entirely still. The air felt stiff; it felt hot and humid. It was cloying, Jin felt like he was suffocating.
But he deserved it. Every single bit, and more. This was nothing to what he should be suffering, in fact. After what he'd done. His best friend! Perhaps the only person he'd ever become real friends with; since he never stayed in one place long enough to know anyone. How could he have so tarnished their friendship, so disrespected and abused his companion? And then to forget it? How dare he forget such grievous sins?
But at least he was trying to atone, right? No, it didn't matter. So much had happened, and without Touya's forgiveness, nothing mattered. Nothing mattered but to suffer, at all times. He refused to let himself move on; refused to give himself any bit of slack. A minute without Touya was a minute more than he could stand, but eternities less than he deserved. And he kept this thought always at the forefront of his mind – every hardship was to what he deserved as an atom compared to the three worlds. Not even worthy of being a fraction of what was.
Of course, he desperately wanted Touya's forgiveness. But he didn't expect to get it, and he didn't want to come near Touya again. Rather, he would love to be with Touya again, back before any of this had happened, before the Dark Tournament, when they were together amongst the Shinobi. But that would be no good, for Touya was never really happy then, either, for he had no light. And that was what mattered now. Touya was happy with Yusuke. Touya was happy… without him. Not only happy without him, but happy because he was without him. So Jin wouldn't dare approach Touya, for the sake of his love's happiness. He needed to be with Touya, wanted, yearned… but he wanted more for Touya's happiness, than forgiveness, so he wouldn't.
Koenma-sama and Botan had finally dropped it. Botan had been the one it was hardest to convince. Jin felt guilty that she should show concern for him. They shouldn't worry about him; shouldn't be trying, offering to go out of their way, just to help him. They should hate him. He wished they would hate him, so he could suffer more, but he was glad they cared. And he hated himself for finding any reason to be just a little less depressed.
He hated himself fiercely. He loathed and abhorred and disgusted himself. He had no idea how they could stand to be around him; he was such a vile, unworthy cretin. He despised and revolted himself, scorned and cursed himself. He wished the gods would never have seen fit to bring him the wind of life, for at least then he never would have hurt Touya.
That was all that stood for any importance to him. He hurt Touya. Touya had laid all his trust and friendship, and maybe even love into him (he said he had, didn't he? He couldn't have, he couldn't have loved Jin! What could possibly be attractive in him that was less than scum?), and Jin had ruined it, all because he got drunk. No, because he was just wretched, he wouldn't blame the drink for it. He never would drink again, but just because he was drunk didn't change what happened. It wouldn't make him any less guilty.
Touya didn't believe him… Touya had always believed him before. Touya had never accused him of lying, nor had Touya ever suggested he wouldn't keep an oath, once made. He said he wouldn't drink. Touya said he would. And Jin was caught at a cross roads. He wouldn't break an oath, and to drink would give him relief, which he refused. But to uphold his oath would be to prove Touya wrong… and Touya was always right. He didn't want to prove Touya wrong. Touya didn't believe him. Touya didn't forgive him. Touya didn't even want to scar him, take revenge. Touya didn't want to acknowledge him.
How could he ever atone if Touya wouldn't acknowledge him? How does the person who's not there atone for sins they committed when they were? How could he make amends if Touya wouldn't take revenge? But he couldn't drag Touya down to such a level. Touya was always better than that, better than revenge or compensation. He would never lower himself.
Jin took his hands from his face and sat up slowly. He had a few sticks of incense and a couple candles. He'd been routinely lighting a stick of incense and a candle in Touya's honor, praying that he would be happy forever with Yusuke. He prayed that even when they died, he could keep his oath and leave Touya alone. He did, every night, pray for Touya to be happy, and every time, he shed a tear, knowing it implied his absence from Touya's presence. Whatever it took. Gods all bless. Gods all keep Touya safe. Gods all keep Touya safe… from him…