Cannonball Run 2004:Down Under

The Calm Before the Storm

AN:Sorry for the wait, but enjoy.

A few days after Blake and Fenderbaum bought their Maserati, a sales representative drove it out of the dealership to deliver it. Just out of sight, Alex and Rocco sat in their Holden and started after it.

"That's the 'Rati purchased by Blake and Fenderbaum." said Alex.

"Where are we going?" asked Rocco.

"We're trying to see where he's going." said Alex. "That's where we'll find the blighters."

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At the Maserati's destination, the Cannonballers were having their pre-race party.

"So then, the Mini pulls up to an intersection." said Jill. "Then the driver takes a soda out of the cup holder and pops it open and the soda splatters all over the windows."

Everyone else at the table laughed.

"So, you did this race last year?" asked Jessie.

"Did it? We won it." said Marcie.

"You're kidding!" said Lazlow.

"They're not." said Steve. "They took a souped-up, tricked-out Mister Two across America."

"What did you do to it?" asked Jessie.

"Kaminari body kit," said Jill "Blitz engine mods, Toyo tires, Ichiban interior, Cobra seats..."

"Don't forget the Venom nitrous system." said Pete.

"Yeah, that thing gave a lot of additional thrust." said Marcie. "I still have the Cobra logo imprinted on my back."

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"And so I was there in the lab and then I had the answer." said Michael as he talked to a girl in the bar.

"Try someone more your type." said the girl as she walked away giggling.

"Didn't you see 'Revenge of the Nerds'?" asked Michael.

Michael walked back to Jackie and said "I'm not getting anything with these girls."

"What do you expect?" asked Jackie. "You're telling them about your computer prowess."

"What am I gonna talk about?" asked Michael. "My 'prowess' with satellite navigation?"

"Better not." said Jackie. "You don't want them to warn the entire country."

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"And then the car shot forward and hit the police car and BOOM!" said Terry.

"Was anyone hurt?" asked Sarah.

"Luckily, no." said Terry as Mel returned to the table.

"Here's your root beer." said Mel as he handed a glass of soda to Terry.

"Wait, you're drinking milk?" asked Terry.

"Yeah, I'm drinking milk." said Mel.

"Aren't you afraid it's gonna curdle when it hits your stomach?" asked Terry.

"My stomach died last year!" laughed Mel.

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The sales representative pulled the Maserati into the hotel's parking lot and parked it in an empty parking space. The Holden was right behind it.

Alex climbed out of the Holden and looked around. "Crikey!" he said. "Look at all this high performance hardware!"

"What's going on here?" asked Rocco. "High performance car meeting?"

"No." said Alex. "Blake and Fenderbaum needed that car. Looks like something weird. Okay, here's the plan."

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"If we win..." said Pamela.

"WHEN we win." corrected J.J.

"Sorry." said Pamela. "WHEN we win, I'll use the money to buy up some land in the Brazilian rain forest and tell the loggers to beat it."

"Know what I'm gonna do with the money?" asked Victor. "I'm gonna buy my mom a great big, brand new house. And then, I'm gonna buy my nephew a pony."

"Better get the kid a shovel." said Pamela. "You know, because ponies..."

She and Victor laughed. Victor then turned to J.J. and asked "So what are you gonna do with the money?"

"My money's gonna be gone before I even get to the car." joked J.J. He snapped his fingers for effect.

"I'm gonna get some more drinks." said Pamela. She got up and went to the bar.

J.J. watched her walk away. "You know, a man can't live on bread alone." he said.

"I can." said Victor. "I love bread. My favorite is..."

"I'm not talking about that." said J.J. sternly. "I mean women."

"Oh yeah." said Victor.

"I'm glad I've got Pamela." said J.J.

"I wish I had a girl." said Victor.

"You?" asked J.J.

"Yeah." said Victor. "I'm not a eunich, you know."

"Of course you're not a eunich." said J.J. "Don't put yourself down like that. You have a striking resemblance to a eunich, though...just kidding. You can probably have one of my ex-girlfriends."

"Oh, I couldn't do that." said Victor. "Well, maybe just one to clear up my complextion."

They both laughed.

"So tomorrow..." said J.J.

"So tomorrow..." repeated Victor.

"We turn over a new leaf." said J.J.

"New leaf." said Victor.

"Up and clean." said J.J.

"Up and clean." repeated Victor.

Pamela returned and said "You know, I think I've had enough to drink tonight. Maybe we should spend some time together alone?"

"But tonight, down and dirty." said J.J. He got up and joined Pamela.

"So what do you want to do?" asked Pamela.

"I don't know." said J.J. "Maybe we should go somewhere and talk about pistons and camshafts."

"Coming, J.J." said Victor as he stood up to go after them. When he realized they were going off alone, he turned and danced back to the table.

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The sales representative entered the bar and said "Jamie Blake?"

"Over here." said Blake.

"I have brought your car." said the representative as he handed Blake the keys. "Here you go."

"Thank you very much." said Blake.

As the representative left, Blake turned back to Fenderbaum. "Think we have a chance this year?" he asked.

"It's no problem." said Fenderbaum. "Everybody else is here for the first time, but we have experience with this country."

"I know, but will it be enough?" asked Blake.

"It's a cinch." said Fenderbaum. "Just look at these..." He looked around the room and saw something he didn't want to see: Alex standing in the entrance. He turned back to Blake and whispered "Do we still owe Big Donnie thirty thousand dollars?"

"Did you pay him?" asked Blake.

"No."

"Well then, we still owe him thirty thousand dollars." replied Blake.

"Well, one of his collection men came to collect it." said Fenderbaum.

"Where? Where? Where?" asked Blake nervously.

"He's at the front door, but don't look." said Fenderbaum.

Blake looked.

"I said 'don't look'!" whispered Fenderbaum. "Look, since he's at the front door, we'll go out the back door since he can't be in two places at one time."

"Good suggestion." said Blake as he slowly got up.

"Split city." said Fenderbaum as he followed.

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"We're gonna die!" moaned Blake as Rocco pulled him and Fenderbaum away from the back door. "We're gonna die! We're gonna die! What do you think they're gonna do to us?"

"I don't know what they're gonna do to you," said Fenderbaum "but since Vin Diesel ain't here, I'm gonna be too busy licking their boots to see."

Alex met the three in the kitchen.

"Alex, my good man." said Blake, laughing nervously. "So nice to see you. So, what brings you to this hotel? Business or pleasure?"

"Could you hand Rocco that cutting board?" asked Alex.

"Okay." said Blake. He handed the cutting board to Rocco. Rocco took the cutting board and broke it over his own head.

"Oh." said Blake. "It's business."

"Now, I just want you to answer one question." said Alex. "You know that you were told not to come back to Australia unless you had the thirty thousand you owed Big Donnie. Instead, you use the money to purchase a new Maserati. The question is: Why?"

"Look, we just wanted a nice car to drive while we went to get you your money." said Fenderbaum.

"Okay." said Rocco. "You'll tell us."

"We're going to race to Brisbane and the one who wins gets a million dollars in cash." said Blake.

"Wait a minute." said Alex. "You're gonna race from Perth to Brisbane for a million dollars?"

"Uh huh." said Fenderbaum.

"Only a moron would back up a race like that!" yelled Alex.

The Drake entered and said "Hey! Fenderbaum and Blake! Good to see you!" He wrapped his arms around their necks and said "You should be sleeping at this hour. Remember, we leave at noon tomorrow."

Fenderbaum tried desperately to direct the Drake's attention to Alex and Rocco. The Drake noticed them...or rather, their shoes.

"Wingtips?" muttered the Drake. "Unbelievable." He pulled out a stack of money, handed it to Rocco, and said "Come on. Try shopping at a decent clothing store. Now, if you don't mind, I have a party to return to."

The Drake left and Blake said "That was the moron."

"You know?" said Rocco as he looked over the money in his hand. "These liars could be telling the truth."

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Back at Party Central, Brad climbed onto the stage. "May I have your attention please?" he asked.

"No!" yelled Jackie. The audience erupted in laughter.

"Right now, we have some musical entertainment courtesy of our host, Seymour Drake Jr." said Brad. The Drake stood up and took a bow. Brad continued. "Originally, we had planned to use a band on my label that was touring Australia, the Lectroids. Unfortunately, they broke up last week. So, in their stead, ladies and gentlemen...the Vines!"

The Cannonballers cheered as the Vines took to the stage. "No way!" yelled Jill. The band started into one of their songs.

That's the start, the middle, and the end
Aren't you glad the universe pretends
If I don't get this message home
Once again I'm gonna hate alone

Ride with me
Ride with me
Ride with me
Oh

Ride with me
Ride with me
Ride with me
unless you

Bored aloud ignore the right to be
Invite me down because we like to see
The colours through your loaded mind
F--- the world and liberate our time

Ride with me
Ride with me
Ride with me
Oh

Ride with me
Ride with me
Ride with me
Yeah

Brad found the Drake during the bridge.

"So nice of you to pick up the reins." said Brad.

"Someone had to bring in some music." said the Drake.

"Are you saying I couldn't?" asked Brad.

"Did you?" asked the Drake.

"I could've." said Brad. "You just beat me to it."

"And you want to race me?" asked the Drake.

"I will race you." said Brad. "I bet I could beat you, too."

"Fine." said the Drake. "Fifty grand says your team's time will be better than mine."

"Deal." said Brad. The two joined hands in a handshake.

I'm not waiting a long life
I'm not waiting alone

Ride with me
Ride with me
Ride with me home

Ride with me
Ride with me
Ride with me home

-"Ride" by the Vines

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Alex and Rocco returned to the nightclub late that night. They burst into Big Donnie's suite to report their findings. Unfortunately, he had already gone to bed.

"Boss!" yelled Alex waking up Big Donnie.

Big Donnie tumbled out of bed and yelled "What? Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"Check this out." said Rocco. He tossed the stack of money to Big Donnie. "We went after Blake and Fenderbaum."

"They were with this yankee millionaire called the Drake." said Alex. "He's organizing a road race across the country."

"He gave me that just because he didn't like my shoes." said Rocco. "I counted it. There's ten grand American there."

"Rocco and I, we put our heads together." said Alex. "We're going to rip off the yankee on the road and steal the prize money."

"Ay, you put your heads together, huh?" asked Big Donnie, still mad about being woken up. "It must've sounded like a bowling alley! You morons think too small. You shouldn't just take the prize money, you should take the Drake as well."

"So you want us to rip off the yankee on the road and then kidnap him." said Alex.

"What for?" asked Rocco.

"What for?" yelled Big Donnie. "Ransom, you idiots! Ransom! R-A-N-S-U-M, ransom! Understand?"

"Alright, I got it." said Alex. "Let's go."

"You sound tense." said Rocco. "Are you getting enough sleep?"

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The next morning, the Cannonballers made some last minute preparations for the race. Some tried to make some more adjustments to their engines and drivetrains. Others stocked their cars with foodstuffs. Others posed for pictures with their cars.

Pamela stood around the Holden stretch limo wearing a white blouse and a lavender skirt and jacket. She was doing her best to act like an official of the United States government. The limo was doing its part. It had been painted jet black and had black tinted windows. Small American flags were mounted to the front fenders.

A pair of locals walked over to the car. "Excuse me, I heard the President was here." said one of them.

"Yes, he is." said Pamela. "Hold on." She knocked on the window of the limo. It opened. "Mr. President, there's a pair of locals here."

"I'm a little busy right now." said Brad, inside the limo doing a spot-on impression of Geroge W. Bush. "If it's okay, I'd like to just give them a quick hello...and nice country."

"Thank you, sir." said the local. "Nice meeting you."

"Okay, move it along now." said J.J. as he walked over with Victor. They were wearing black suits over white shirts. They also had on black shades and little earpieces for radio communication. In short, they were disguised as secret service agents.

The locals walked off talking about their encounter with a world leader. J.J. walked over to the window and asked "You okay, Mr. President?"

"I hope to God we don't get arrested!" whispered Brad. "Don't you know impersonating the President is a felony?"

"Yeah, but he's gotten away with it so far." said Victor.

AN:The political views expressed by the characters are not meant to represent those of the writer.

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"Hey, check it out." said Jill as she looked over the controls to the Skyline. "This thing's got a nitrous purge."

"Really?" asked Marcie. "I wanted to put one of those on the MR2, but Venom didn't have one."

"I've been thinking of getting one for the Civic." said Jill.

"Does it work?" asked Marcie.

Jill pushed the purge switch. A puff of white mist sprayed from the driver's side front fender.

"Cool!" squealed Jill.

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"CPU?" asked Jackie as he checked the Eclipse's computer system.

"Running fine." said Michael.

"Gadgetry?" asked Jackie.

"Ran a check." said Michael. "It's okay."

"Food dispenser?" asked Jackie.

"A little glitchy, but okay." said Michael.

"GPS navigation?" asked Jackie.

"Store bought." said Michael. They laughed and fived each other.

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"So what are you listening to?" asked J.J.

"Local radio station." said Victor. "Top forty, pop, that sort of crap. You?"

"Sports station." said J.J. "There's an Australian rules football game going on."

"Who's winning?" asked Victor.

"I dunno." said J.J. "I guess it helps to know the rules to Australian rules football."

"Look at this." said Victor as Blake and Fenderbaum approached. The two of them were dressed as cops.

"Well, well, well." said Fenderbaum. "Look what we have here."

"You're trying this race disguised as Jehovah's Witnesses?" asked Blake. "Let me remind you: we tried that at the last race, dressed as priests and guess what? We didn't win. It didn't help us and ain't gonna help you."

"Heckle and Jeckle dressed as cops." said J.J. "They oughta arrest their minds for vagrancy."

"We're secret service agents." said Victor.

"Is something going on here?" asked Pamela.

"Hello." said Fenderbaum.

"Now as a law enforcement agent," said Blake "I find it within my duty to submit this woman to a full body search."

Victor gasped. "Shame on you!" he said.

"Hey, this is my girlfriend you're talking about." said J.J. "That's a line you don't want to cross. Have a little respect!" He slapped Blake in the chest and walked away.

Victor followed J.J. Pamela walked over to Blake and whispered something into his ear. When she walked away, Blake started acting very shocked. Fenderbaum walked over and looked at Blake inquisitively. Blake leaned over and whispered something into Fenderbaum's ear.

Fenderbaum leaned away, stared at Blake, shook his head, and said "You're sick."

AN:I see I have another review. Yes, Nightw2, this should be interesting.
Brace yourselves, the race is starting in the next chapter.