Ok another new story from me. well it's a parody so not really new. Anyway here you go. Very mature language from the get-go. You have beem warned
"This one time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.
It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room.
So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, 'Jesus, Walt ! You know you're gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too. Why don't you knock it off ?'
And he said to me, 'Phil, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?'
My cousin was a weird guy."
MALLRATS!!!!!!!!!
An old Station Wagon pulled around the corner and drove onto the drive way where a young women was waiting. The driver jumped out and smiled at her.
"Kimi Finster, come on down. I'm takin' your ass to Florida. Let's go, let's go. Where's your luggage ? The plane leaves in an hour. " He said as he began to make room in the trunk.
Kimi sighed and looked at him "Tommy, Did you see Julie Dwyer last night?"
"Err...yeah, yeah, I saw her at the video store.She was talking about being on your dad's stupid game show." he said as a thought occurred to him "He's not here, is he?"
"Yeah, he's inside." she said making Tommy sigh "Did you tell her every time you're on TV you look ten pounds heavier?"
Tommy laughs uneasily and scratches the back of his neck "Uh, well, yeah. I told her that the way TV shows are shot sometimes make you look a lot fatter than you are.Why, what'd she do? Call up and cancel?"
Kimi bites her lip "No, not exactly. Tommy, You know Julie had a huge weight problem in school. She had the fattest ass. When you said that to her, she went straight up to the Y.M.C.A. And started doing laps..." she stopped to take a breath "Because she wanted to be fit for the show tonight, And... Well... In the middle of her 700th lap, This embolism popped in her brain... And she dropped dead, right in mid-backstroke."
"She's dead?" he exclaimed
Kimi nodded before she continued "Then her sister told her parents why she was doing all the laps, And it got back to my father, and, and-- Shit, T, He's really pissed at you. I mean, it's awful about Julie's death, and... Now he doesn't even have a female contestant for his show."
"Can't you calm him down?"
"I've done that."
"Thank god! How?"
"I told him I'd do the show." she said nervously
"Good." he said until he realized what she had just said "WHAT? Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no. W-w-we're leaving for Florida."
"Tommy, I can't go. I've gotta stay here."
"No, no, no, no. I've got something planned for Florida. No, we gotta go." He begged
"Tommy, I'm doing this to get you out of trouble with my father. Help him out of a bind. Which, you know, you kind of-- well, at least a little responsible for." she said with a nervous smile
Tommy growled and slammed the trunk door "I bet he's happy as a pig in shit you're not going away with me."
"Are you kidding ? He's absolutely devastated about Julie."
Inside
Chaz gets out of the shower and starts boxing in front of a mirror while making "karate noises" (I know it's out of character, right?)
Outside
"I can't believe you! Kimi, the guy hates me !I bet he sees this tragedy as an excellent opportunity to keep you from going away with me."
"Would you calm down? I mean, you're being a complete ass."
Inside
Chaz does a kick which makes his towel fall off revealing his ass
Outside
"Sometimes I almost forget that you're such a daddy's girl. It makes me sick." he says shaking his head
"Oh. Well, you know what I thinks sick? This relationship." She says as she storms of toward the house
"Kimi, come on. I thought we weren't going through this makeup/breakup shit anymore." he shouted after her
"Yeah, well, you can just forget about making up. You know, you are exactly like my father. It's always about what you need, what you've got planned. 'Screw everybody else. My shit is more important.' You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed as he is. In fact, the two of you have so much in common, I think you should date each other!" she shouted back slamming the door
"Kimi-- Kimi, wait!" Tommy shouted after her but it was too late. He groaned before getting back in the car and driving off
Phil
Sitting up in his bed, Phil was fast asleep. Or he was until Rene began hitting him on his head. It took her several attempts, but he soon woke up
"Sweet fucking Christ ! Would you knock it off ! God." he looks at her upset expression "What?" he said with a sigh "What time is it?"
"9:30." she said looking at him
"Man, go back to sleep." he said before he got a better idea. He rummaged around his bed until he found his game controller and started playing the game he had left from the night before
"What the hell are you doing?" she asked
"Finishing my game." he simply stated as he continued to play ice hockey
"No, no, no. You promised me breakfast." she said hitting his arm
"Breakfast?" he asked dumbfounded "Breakfast, schmrekfest. Look at the score. I'm only in the middle of the second And I'm winning 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene. Now, Hartford, the whale? Hey, they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime." she sighed and got up to find her clothes "Ya hit the bathroom already?" he asked
"Don't worry, I didn't let your mother see me."
"Who's worried?" he said not looking away from his game
"Are you kidding me? I've never met a person who lives in as much fear of his mother as you do."
"I do not."
"Is that's why I have to sneak in here after every one's asleep and sneak out in the morning?" she said dryly
"You want I should tell my mother what we do in here at night?" he said finally taking his attention from the game
"What? That you play video games and I fall asleep unfulfilled? Go ahead. It beats this sneaking-around shit."
"What can I say ? She doesn't like you." he said returning back to his game
"You've never introduced me."
"Yeah, 'cause you're always in the goddamn bathroom. What do you do in there?"
"Do you really wanna know?"
"I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of the concerned guy." he said still playing his game
"I cry."
"You cry?"
"I cry."
"Any particular reason?"
"I think about people that make decisions that affect our lives." she said as she began moving a chest of drawers toward the window "The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases. The engineer that designs skyscrapers. The guy that maps out a plane's flight path."
"The navigator." he said still playing the game
"I think about how those people are out there everyday, making a difference, leading big lives, and how they refuse to be intimidated by the tremendous odds of failure they face; How they only concern themselves with peers and company that apply to their goals and noble causes."
"Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what I think about in the bathroom." Phil replied
"I think about all that, and I cry." she said climbing on top of the chest of drawers "Because I have nothing better to do than fuck you." she says throwing a letter at him before climbing out the window.
He quickly read it
"You're dumping me?" he shouts after her before taking another glance "Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother?"
Tommy
Tommy pulls into Phil's driveway. He's quickly out before knocking on the door
"You're a fickle broad, man." Phil mumbles as he answers the door expecting Rene "Holy shit! If it isn't mon frere." he said as Phil let him inside
"The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched." he said as they entered Phil's room in the basement
"You're such an anal retentive bastard."
"I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but no, You wanted to play little league instead."
"What's that?" Tommy asked noticing something on Phil's wall that wasn't comic related
"Like it ? I framed it before you got here." he said going back to his game again
"Oh, my god ! Rene dumped you." he said turning back to Phil who shrugged his shoulders
"Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorned for sega."
"Wow, look at this laundry list of complaints. 'You have no direction; No college ambition; No job prospect.'"
"It also says I have no dick, but you'll notice that follows the financial question, Proving once more what women really look for."
"She calls you callow."
"You say that like it's bad."
"Well, it means 'frightened and weak-willed.'"
"Really?" he asked "Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary."
Tommy laughed before sitting down next to him.
"Ah, well, you're lucky. Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter with obscure adjectives."
"What are you telling me here?" he said taking his attention away from the game
"I, to now am in the framing business."
"Holy shit.Kimi dumped you?
"Yeah."
"Aren't you two supposed to go to Florida?"
"We should've left this morning."
"That sucks dude"
"Oh, it gets worse. I was gonna propose to her."
"Really? Where?"
"On the Universal Tour."
"You're kidding ! What part?" he asked sounding rather excited
"When Jaws pops out of the water." Phil looks at Tommy in awe
"That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."
"Well, too bad I'm not trying to marry you."
"Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her?"
Tommy laughs "Why do you ask?"
"I never farted in front of Rene, not once. Then last week, I let one slip. Today, she dumps me." Tommy laughs again
"You think that that's why Rene dumped you? Come on, she's not the shallow type."
"Well she was going down on me at the time."
"Shut up!" Tommy said laughing more
"What can I say ? I was feeling very relaxed. I'm relaxed... I squirt."
"If all she did was dump you got off light."
"I can't believe this shit. Why are we trying to figure out where we went wrong with our relationships..."
"I think we nailed it, in your case." tommy said stifling another laugh
"There is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss."
"Ritual suicide?"
"No, you idiot! The fuckin' mall!"
"I prefer ritual suicide."
"Come on, it'll be great." Phil said, but Tommy was still not convinced " They have new cookies at the cookie stand. They're awesome." Phil said with his cheeky smile
This is one of my favorite movies of all times and as you know when I like a movie I make a Rugrat parody lol. I hope you like it! Please R/R