Southern Hospitality
AN:I know what you're thinking. "Wow, that was fast. He just updated two weeks ago." Well, I decided to get cracking because I promised I'd have this done by the end of the year. Well, here we go.
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As the sun was setting behind them, Terry and Sarah laid back in the Falcon's backseat.
"I can't believe it took us most of the day to cross one state." said Sarah.
"Well, you have to realize the states are larger down here." said Terry. "Therefore, it takes longer to cross them."
"You know, I was thinking." said Sarah. "Maybe we can get Mel to pull off at a motel somewhere down the road and...you know."
"Or maybe we can try to do it here and see how long before he notices." said Terry.
"Go ahead." said Mel. "I don't mind." Terry and Sarah looked up to see Mel leaning over the front passenger seat.
"Very funny, Mel." said Sarah.
Terry looked out the window and saw the car was still moving. "Uh, Mel?" he said. "Shouldn't someone be driving?"
"Relax, I've got the cruise control on." said Mel. He looked forward to see the back of a truck they were keeping pace with.
Just then, the truck pulled into the oncoming lane and revealed a trailer home it was passing. Terry and Sarah screamed as Mel tried to get back into the driver's seat to steer around the trailer...
...but he was too late.
The Falcon plowed into the back of the trailer and ripped right through it. The car came flying out the other end with the trailer's occupant clinging to the hood for dear life.
He looked through the windshield at the car's occupants and said "Let me guess. You set the cruise control and got in back for a threesome."
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It was almost completely dark as Pete turned on the RX-7's headlights.
"Steve, turn the dome light off!" yelled Pete. "I'm trying to drive!"
"Just checking the map." said Steve. "Check it. There's a roadhouse just down the road. Maybe we can stop and rest a little."
"In the middle of a race?" asked Pete. "How would that look if I went an eighth of a mile, stopped to rest, then finished the quarter mile?"
"Might take off the edge." said Steve.
"Alright, we'll stop." said Pete. "But just for ten minutes."
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In Adelaide, Alex and Rocco stopped by another of Big Donnie's clubs to work on a new plan.
"Come on, Rocco." said Alex. "The Drake must be in South Australia by now."
"Why are you asking me?" asked Rocco. "You're the brains of this operation."
"Too right." said Alex. "I'm out of ideas, though."
"Okay, what went wrong with the last plan?" asked Rocco.
"You shot the engine." said Alex.
"Wait, I've got an idea." said Rocco. "The last plan involved not attracting the Drake's attention. Maybe this time, we should try to attract his attention."
"Good idea." said Alex. "We'll lure him into a trap and then grab him!"
"Right!" said Rocco. "But what do we attract his attention with?"
"Good question." said Alex. "What?" He looked around and spotted a group of women looking at them. "I've got an idea." he said and walked over to the women. "Hi. How'd you like to make a thousand clams?"
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After night fell, Pete and Steve reached the roadhouse. They pulled into the parking lot and cut their lights. After they got out of the car, they noticed a familiar car.
"Hey, Pete." said Steve. "Does Mitsubishi sell Eclipses in Australia?"
"I don't think so." said Pete as he looked into the Eclipse. "They especially don't sell left-hand drive ones here."
"All that technology and they still have to make pit stops." said Steve as they walked into the place. No one was to be seen.
"Boy, this place is dead." said Pete.
"Psst!" whispered a voice. Pete and Steve looked to find Jackie trying to direct them out of the place.
"What are you saying?" asked Steve.
"He's saying you're toast." said another voice. Steve turned around and looked right into the barrel of a shotgun.
Three more men with guns popped up out of hiding. So did several people who were holding up their hands in surrender.
"Get over there!" commanded the man with the gun. Steve and Pete walked over to where Jackie was.
"What's going on?" asked Steve.
"We stopped so Michael could take a piss and walked right into the middle of a robbery." said Jackie.
"Where's Michael?" asked Pete.
"Still in the bathroom." said Jackie. "They let him go so they wouldn't have to deal with him jumping around."
"Hey, check to see if that guy is still in there." said the man with the shotgun. "It's been twenty minutes."
"He's probably fixated on the water spinning the other way." said the bathroom guard.
He walked into the bathroom and saw the window open. "What?" said the guard. "Oh shit!" he added as he walked over to investigate. He looked out the window to see if he could see where Michael had gone. He would've known where if he had turned around. Michael was sneeking out of the stall and up behind the guard.
Michael grabbed the guard and wrestled him into the wall. They staggered together out the door into the main room. When they got there, Michael wrestled the guard stomach-first into a pool table.
The man with the shotgun aimed at them, but Jackie vaulted over the table and karate kicked the shotgun out of his hands. Pete and Steve went after the other robbers.
Michael continued to beat up the bathroom guard as Pete ran over to pick up a pool cue. Michael threw the man over the pool table and grunted.
"Hey, you look like an athelete!" said Pete.
"Thanks!" said Michael. "I was on the football team in..." He was cut off when the bathroom guard and one of his cohorts tackled him.
"Well, you can probably handle yourself." said Pete as he walked over to Steve.
Jackie delivered a series of punches, strikes, and kicks to the man who used to have a shotgun.
Steve repeatedly threw punches at another of the robbers. However, the guy wasn't even showing any reaction to the strikes.
"Hey, if you fight like that, you won't last five minutes in East L.A." said Pete. He then took the pool cue and hit the thug in the knee. When he bent over in pain, Pete hit him over the head with the pool cue and knocked him out. "Now, that's the way it's done!"
Michael shoved one of his opponents into the wall, then threw the other over the pool table. Both were taken out of the fight. Just then, Jackie finished off the leader.
The Cannonballers looked around at the injured robbers and breathed a collective sigh of relief.
"You guys go." said the bartender. "I'll handle the cops."
"You got it." said Pete as he dropped the pool cue and left with Steve.
"Come on." said Jackie. "We've got a race to win. A million bucks!"
He and Michael started to leave when they walked between the leader of the robbers and the guy Michael threw over the pool table. Jackie saw they were both getting back up. He stopped, jumped into the air, and knocked them both back out with a split kick.
Jackie started to leave, then noticed that when he split kick the two thugs, he also split his pants. "Whoops." he muttered, then followed Michael out while holding his inseam together.
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The next morning, Victor was cruising along in the limo when he saw another police car in his rearview. Its lights were on.
"J.J, cops." said Victor.
"You've been driving all night." said J.J. "Are you up to escaping?"
"I don't think so." said Victor.
"Then pull over and let me do all the talking." said J.J.
Victor begrudgingly pulled over. After the police car pulled in behind them, J.J, Victor, and the officer climbed out.
"Good morning, officer." said Victor. "How's it going?"
"Ah, get out of the road, fat boy, before you get run over." said the officer.
"What seems to be the problem, officer?" asked J.J.
"We have speed limits in this country, mate." said the officer.
"Any of them have to do with an international incident?" asked J.J.
"What incident?" asked the officer.
J.J. started to answer, but was interupted by Victor saying "We can't talk about it, officer."
"What's going on here?" asked the officer. "Let me see your license!"
"No!" yelled Victor. "They might hit you instead."
"What are you boys trying to pull?" asked the officer.
"There's been an attempt on the president's life." said J.J. "We're trying to get him to a safe house in Brisbane."
"Why Brisbane?" asked the officer.
Unprepared for this question, J.J. did his best to ad-lib. "The assassin is alergic to it."
"Bullshit." said the officer. "I'm going to phone this one in."
He walked back to his cruiser, but before he got there, Brad opened the window on the limo and said in his best George W. Bush voice "What seems to be the problem?"
"Crikey." gasped the officer.
"Did my men do something wrong?" asked Brad, still impersonating Bush.
"Is that really him?" asked the awestruck officer.
"Accept no impostors." said Victor. J.J. kicked him in the leg and he gasped "Ow."
"Well, how about that?" said the officer. "I guess I can do my part and give you an escort to the county line."
"Oh, thank you." said Victor.
He and J.J. walked back to the limo. Before they got there, the officer asked "By the way, did you get a look at that assassin?"
J.J. had a sudden brainstorm. "Yes." he said. "It was a white guy, mid-forties, brownish-blond hair. He's got a partner, a black guy, thin, moustache. They were last spotted in a red Maserati and they're dressed as cops."
"No shit?" asked the cop.
"No shit." said J.J.
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Just outside of Ceduna, the Drake raced along in his BMW.
"What time is it?" asked the doctor.
"I dunno." said Ron. "What time zone are we in?"
"I think this is one of those time zones that's thirty minutes off of the adjacent ones." said the Drake.
"Well, it's time for your morning medication." said the doctor.
The Drake's cel phone rang. "Wait 'til I finish this call." he said as he answered his phone. "Seymour Drake."
"You're just going to have to wait." said Ron as he leaned over the seat.
"You're going to have to speak up." said the Drake. "I'm in the middle of the Australian Outback."
The doctor took out a hypodermic needle.
"Nimitz?" asked the Drake. "What do you mean 'Nimitz'?"
The doctor turned and jabbed Ron with the needle.
"Oh, the U.S.S. Nimitz!" said the Drake. "Hell yeah, I want to buy it! I want to land my Learjets on it! I don't care what it costs!"
The doctor injected himself with his needle as Ron started to space out.
"How much?" asked the Drake.
"Bet you're feeling better now, aren't you?" asked the doctor.
"I can't hear you!" yelled the Drake. "Talk louder!"
"I SAID 'I BET YOU'RE FEELING BETTER NOW, AREN'T YOU?'" yelled the doctor.
"Yes, thank you very much." said Ron, who was now really loopy.
"No problem!" said the Drake. "Bye!" He hung up.
"Bye!" yelled Ron. He passed out.
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The Maserati raced along towards the interchange with Highway 87. A pair of police cars came up behind it.
One of the pursuing officers looked over the Italian sports machine, then picked up his CB and said "Dispatch, this is units 3 and 7. We have a visual on a red Maserati, believed to be suspected assassins. Over."
In the Maserati, Blake and Fenderbaum heard the whole report on their police scanner.
"Assassins?" yelled Fenderbaum. "Now, I've been accused of many things, but I ain't never been called no assassin."
"I don't even vote." said Blake. "Let me lose these guys."
Blake executed a handbrake turn and headed back west. The police cars quickly followed.
"Good, Blake." said Fenderbaum. "But not good enough."
"This is Units 3 and 7 again." said one of the pursuing officers. "The Maserati is trying to make a run for it, but you can inform the president they're as good as caught."
Blake and Fenderbaum raised their eyebrows over that report. "President?" said Fenderbaum.
"J.J!" they both said. "That son of a bitch!"
"They're trying to pull away." said the pursuing officer. "But we're gonna bring those blighters in...dead or alive." Fenderbaum got scared with those last three words.
"Don't you worry, 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?" asked Blake.
"What?" asked Fenderbaum.
"I'm gonna take this car." said Blake. "And I'm gonna turn so that I block the whole highway sideways. And when they come, they're gonna have a choice: either to ditch it, or ram right straight into us!"
Fenderbaum laughed. "Yeah, yeah! Ditch it or..." Suddenly, he realized what Blake had said. "Ram STRAIGHT INTO US?" he yelled.
"Yup!" said Blake as he cut the wheel sharply.
The Maserati spun so that it blocked the highway. The two police cars swerved to avoid hitting him. Both crashed into the ditch.
With the threat eliminated, Blake got going again.
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"Got a turbocharger kit from Greddy along with an intercooler." said the guy of his yellow 350Z. "Headers are from DC Sports. Cold air intake comes from AEM. Brakes from Brembo. Flywheel, clutch, cat-back, sway bars, body kit, all Stillen."
"Sounds impressive." said Marcie.
"So, what do you say?" asked Jill.
"Both of us?" asked the Nissan driver.
"Come on." said Marcie. "Nissan versus Nissan. First to Broken Hill wins."
"I dunno." said the guy. "I heard about that S2K you thrashed on the way to Kalgoorlie and I haven't even paid off this Z-car yet."
"Oh, that's okay." said Jill. "You can then tell your friends that you bested someone with a car that's barely been breathed on."
"Okay, but better make it fast." said the guy. "The blokes in Melbourne are not going to believe this."
"Hey, if there's any action down there, just let us know." said Jill.
The two Nissans pulled out of the gas station and headed for the state line.
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The limo cruised along towards the state line. J.J. and Pamela were in the back while Victor was up front letting Brad drive.
"So how does it feel to be in the driver's seat?" asked Victor.
"It's okay." said Brad. "This is actually kinda fun."
Victor looked in the back and saw J.J. and Pamela making out.
"I'll just ignore this." he said. "I'm not in it."
"Me neither, I'm just the president." said Brad.
Brad failed to notice the red Maserati approaching from behind.
"Blake?" said Fenderbaum. "President Nixon's car."
"Is the blimp driving?" asked Blake.
"No." laughed Fenderbaum. "It's the president."
"The president, huh?" asked Blake. "Ooh, I'm gonna set him up for impeachment!"
Blake raced past the limo and swerved into its path. Brad tried to avoid him and ended up spinning it out.
Blake laughed as he drove on.
"It's money in the bank!" squealed Fenderbaum. "A million bucks!"
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AN:So, how'd you like that fight scene? Please, read and review.