"Doesn't matter, it can't happen."
"Why not ? It's bound to come up."
"It's impossible. Lois could never have superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm ? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back"
Phil said much to the disgust of Tommy
"What about her womb ? You think it's strong enough to carry his child?"
"Sure. Why not?"
"He's an alien, for christ's sake! His kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like wonder woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom, but that would kill him."
Tommy looks at Phil bemused "How is it I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Kimi to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court?"
"Cookie stand is not part of the food court." Phil stated
"Of course it is."
"The food court is downstairs; The cookie stand is upstairs. We're not talking quantum physics here."
"The cookie stand counts as an eatery the eatery's part of the food court."
"Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside of said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. If you're gonna wax intellectual about the subject...holy shit!" Phil said seeing someone "Wait here."
"Where you going?"
"Chercher la femme." Phil said walking away
Rene is looking at some tops in a shop when Phil walks up to her
"That would look terrible on you." he said with his cheeky smile
"Didn't I dump your ass this morning?" she asked walking away
"Look, I know you've had some time to think about the mistake you've made, and I just wanna let you know you don't have to apologize. I'm sure you were just PMSing or something."
"What kills me about you is your inability to function on the same plane of existence as the rest of us. Piss off."
"Okay, okay, I see you wanna continue with this charade of ending our union. Fine, I'll play along. If we're divorced, we're gonna have to divide our possessions."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Punisher war journal number six, my copy of fletch, and the remote to my tv. It's gonna be hard to give this stuff up because of its sentimental attachment..." he started until Rene started talking
"Sentimental attachment ? If I have that crap, it's 'cause you brought it over and left it at my place"
"Ok. Let's talk about a schedule for visitation rights?"
"For what?"
"For the mall. You can have the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends...."
"Phil" Rene says but he continues "When there's any special function like a sidewalk sale..."
"Phil! I have always taken you with a grain of salt. Your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from mighty mouse, I said okay. On prom night, you asked me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide." she said stroking his face before pulling hard on his ear. "But if you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that were not together you're in for some serious fucking disappointment." she growled letting go of his ear and walking off
Phil rubbed his ear and looked at the old women looking at him "What?"
Jay and Silent Bob
Jay and Silent Bob are sat down looking at a very crudely drawn blueprint.
"Ok phase one. You take a run at lafours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. NOOCH! Ok you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure, wolvie-berserk style, knock out the fuckin' pin, and bickety-bam-- the motherfucker's rubble. Hence, no game show."
Jay and Bob look at each other and nod before Jay starts to fill a sock with quaters. As he does a little kid with a wooden train starts to look at the plans. Silent Bob scares him off before Jay hands him the sock. Bob starts to swing the sock and starts running toward Lafours. As he does the kid with the tain pushes it infront of him and Bob ends up slipping on it and going the wrong direction and accidently bursting in on a women changing
Phil and Tommy
The two are going down an escalator when Phil spots a kid sitting down on the up escalator and points to him
"What? Do you know that kid?" Tommy asks
"I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!" Phil shouts loudly
"What is with you today?"
"Don't get me wrong. I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!"
"Sort of a harsh lesson don't you think?"
"Man, there's not a year goes by. Not a year that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've been easily avoided had some parent. I don't care which one. But some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!" he shouted at the mother once again "Wow, look who it is."
A young girl is sat on a bench looking through a small black book which Phil knocks out of her hand
"Jerk." she said as Tommy ran and picked up her book and handed it back
"Little Tricia Jones. What's a pretty girl like you doing alone in the middle of this monument to consumerism?" Phil asks
"Updating my calendar and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob. And I suppose you're here with no agenda, as per usual."
"On the contrary, I'm here for comics. Tommy Pickles this is Tricia Jones. They call her Trish the dish."
"Nobody calls me that."
"Our little Tricia here is only 15, but somehow she's a senior."
"How'd you manage that?" Tommy asked
Phil immitates someone giving a BJ
"Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off."
"Yeah, right. So, what do you say ? You wanna nail Tommy or what?"
"Jesus, Phil!" Tommy shouts smaking his friends head
"Calm down. Tricia's compiling data for this book she's writing about the sex drive of men, Ages 14 to 30. If I remember correctly, it's titled bore-gasm: Study of the nineties' male sexual prowess. Ready to get sick ? Tell him about the advance you got."
"Pendant publishing gave me $20,000 based on a treatment and a sample chapter."
"You're kidding."
"She'll be the youngest author to tackle the subject. Tricia here sleeps with a bunch of guys as research. And if that's not enough, She videotapes all of them."
"What?"
"I get everybody's consent before we do it. Most guys get off on it. Men are easily amused."
"Wh-what are you writing in the calendar?"
"I was coding. Last night's research."
"She means sex." Phil said dryly
"I know what she meant! What kind of codes?"
"Here, look. The smiley face is for when I go down on a guy. The smiley face with lashes is for when the guy goes down on me. The circle is when we have sex. The circle with the "x" is for when I have an orgasm. The little house is when we do it inside, and the grass is for outside."
"That kid...That kid is back on the escalator again!" Phil shouted looking back to the escalators
"How old was last night's subject, if you don't mind?" Tommy asked ignoring Phil
"Twenty-five. It was the guy who runs that store fashionable male."
"Holy shit ! You slept with that asshole?" Phil asked
"I needed a 25-year-old. And he has quite a distaste for you, I might add."
"He mentioned me during sex?"
"Afterwards. He says he wants to kick your ass. I'd steer clear of him if I were you."
"Tell me you videotaped him saying that."
"No. I shut the camera off after the sex. You should've heard the stuff he wanted to do."
"I'm having a hard time with this. Do your parents know about this?" Tommy asked
"Of course."
"It's remarkable."
"That's criminal. That kid-- that kid is back on the escalator again!" Phil shouted at the mother again
"Would you leave it alone?"
"What?"
"I heard you were going to propose to Kimi Finster in some theme park. When are men going to learn women want romance, Not mr. Toad's wild ride?"
"Be fair, all right? Everyone wants Mr. Toad's wild ride. We gotta go. And remember my offer. I'm young, virile, sensitive to a woman's needs."
"Somehow I doubt it, sega boy. Good luck with the comic book store." Tricia said as the 2 walked away
"Sega boy. God, Rene's got a big mouth. What does that mean, 'good luck with the comic book store?'"
"How does that junior masters and johnson know about my proposal?"
"It's not like she's in an exclusive club."
"What are you talking about?"
"Sean Hartle's giving everyone the inside scoop."
"What's he saying?"
"How her father made her do the game show so you couldn't take her to florida. Now what the hell is this shit?" Phil shouted as he saw the huge line outside the comic book store "What do you gotta do to get Comics around this place? One side, red! Hey, what the hell's going on here?" Phil shouted at this guy at the enterance
"I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall."
"Warned? What are you talking about?"
"Tell him, Steve Dave!" another comic book fan shouted
"Fuck you, fan-boy!" Phil shouted as he swung for him only for Tommy to grab him
"Would you two testosterone-seething, he-man comic book fans finish up with this. I got some questions that need answering." Tommy shouted
"Who's in there?" Phil shouted
"You gotta ask me nicely."
"Fuck you!" Phil shouts while the other guy begins blowing a whistle and a security guard tries to grab him
"Phil, get the hell off." Tommy says pulling him back
"Come on! You fuckers think that 'cause a guy reads comics, he can't start some shit ! I'll fuckin' take all you on!"
Suddenly a girl screams and everyone looks over when a security guard runs over to them
"Somebody get a medic ! There's a little boy caught in the escalator!" he shouted as the security guard that had Phil ran off
"Hey come back here and arrest this goon!" the guy at the door ahouted
"You're fucking next!" Phil shouts as Tommy grabs him
"Jesus Phil"
"No I'm not going anywhere until I find out why I can't get my comics."
"All right. Wait a sec" Tommy says running towards a guy "Excuse me?"
"Don't hit me." the guy says squirming away
"Err...sorry. Why is there a line?"
"Stan Lee's signing comics."
Phil drops his cup and looks at the guy in disbelief.
"Stan Lee?"