Two months had passed since the night when King Thranduil had tried to speak with Calaen, and had only received coldness and anger from his son. It was also two months, since the dark haired Prince had stood in the shadows, and made a promise heard by no-one, to change, to become a different Elf. And, change is exactly what he had done.
Thranduil's POV
Looking back, I do not know why I was worried for Calaen. Of course I should have known that it was all just a phase that he would grow out of soon enough. And, he has. He no longer locks himself in his room; he no longer sits in a dark corner of the library; he no longer hides away from those around him.
He speaks more and more every day, and in fact, he has improved so much, that I am able to hold a pleasant conversation with him now. He still has no real friends, I have noticed. There are some Elves of his age that he will spend time with, but they are more...associates, than anything else, I think. But if that is what he wants...
For a while, I was afraid that I had lost him, afraid that my son would never return to the way that he used to be. But he has, and I think that he has come through the grief a stronger person. His eyes, which used to sparkle with laughter, had dulled, yet now they shine once more.
Life is not the same without Findilan, of course it is not. And there was a time when I feared that we would never be able to move on. But we have. We have pulled through that hard time, when it was thought we would not, and each day is a little easier than the last. I know now, that after this, we will be able to get through anything.
Legolas' POV
I don't really know if Cal is getting better or not. He used to like me a lot, and he would play with me and read to me, but then when Nana died, he stopped doing that, because he was so upset. But I wasn't lonely, because I had Elladan and Elrohir. When they left to go back to their home, I didn't have anyone.
But Cal has changed again. Before, I was scared of him. I didn't know what to say around him, and I always seemed to make him angry. I hardly saw him in the day, and at mealtimes, he wouldn't talk to me. That made me upset, because we always used to talk and play together.
But now, he is different. He still doesn't play with me that much, but when I was on my own the other day, he came to my room. I was playing with my soldiers, and he sat down and played too. He still didn't talk much, though. In fact, the only times he really talks to me, is when Ada is with us.
That's quite strange, actually. If Ada is with us, Cal is nice to me, and he laughs a lot. But when we are alone, I see him giving me funny looks sometimes, and he tells me not to disturb him, because he wants to read. I don't mind, though, because I think this is better than the way it was before.
But, I still miss the way he used to be even before that, before Nana died. I used to go into his room every single night, before I went to bed, so that we could talk. I miss that a lot. I want to do that again, because I love him, and if you love someone, you should spent time with them. That's why Ada spends time with me, and that's why Airëlus spends time with me when he comes home.
Maybe Calaen thinks that I don't love him, because I don't go to his room any more at night. That wouldn't be very nice. Poor him. I should go and see him later, because I don't think it would be very nice at all, thinking that you weren't loved. I don't know if he will want me, but I hope so.
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Calaen dipped his quill into the ink, and immediately began writing once more in his leather bound book. His hand moved swiftly, and he did not even pause to think about what to write next. More and more of his thoughts came spilling out of his mind to land on the parchment.
. . . harder than I thought it would be. . . do not know how long I can keep up the pretence. . . Ada thinks that everything is alright now . . . I'm scared. . . confused. . . cannot face Legolas. . . still do not know what is happening to me. . .
It was true, all of it. Everyone thought that he was happier than he had been since Findilan's death, but they knew nothing. They did not know how he cried at night, how he prayed for answers, how he wished for the chance to find out what was going on in his own mind.
Every day, he wore a mask. When he sat at the dining table and laughed with his father, it was not him, it was a different person. When Airëlus came home and they went out riding, everything that he said, that he did, was a lie; a pretence. No-one knew, though. And he would never let them know. It was his pain, his weakness.
. . . surrounded by so many, yet I'm alone. . . no-one even suspects. . . they think that what they see is the real me. . . sometimes I just want to scream at them to look deeper. . . but I know that this secret must be kept. . . I can talk to no-one. . .
Did he even want to? No, he did not.
. . . so confused by Legolas. . . I love him, of course, but. . . these feelings. . . will not leave. . . sometimes I hate. . . he has no idea. . . then, nor do I, not really. . . blame. . . jealousy. . . this pain cannot be spoken. . . makes no sense. . . Legolas has done nothing . . . he is innocent. . .
But was he? Was he really? How could he be?
Calaen threw his quill down onto the desk and stared at the words he had written. And as he re-read them, tears filled his eyes, and everything blurred in front of him. The words swam on the page, coalescing into black monsters that jeered up at him, mocking him, taunting him. With a yell of rage he grabbed the book and threw it across the room.
"Why?" he whispered helplessly. "Why me?"
He hated how he could not even answer his own questions. He should know himself better than anybody, but he didn't. He no longer knew who he was, what he felt, and why he felt. He knew nothing. Closing his eyes, Calaen buried his face in his hands, and finally allowed his tears to fall.
When he had stood outside his father's chambers and vowed to change, he had hated Legolas, had been filled with a desire to hurt him. But now...? "I don't know," the Prince said softly. "I feel as though I don't know anything any more, and-
He drew in a sharp breath when there was a knock on the door. Damn it, could he not get some peace and quiet to be alone with his thoughts? Swiping roughly at his eyes, Calaen went over to the door. But when he reached it, he paused. He did not have to see whoever it was. He could pretend to be asleep, and maybe they would leave.
"Do not take the easy way out," he told himself quietly. "You have to get stronger; you have to beat this weakness."
Nodding resolutely, he forced the expression on his face to become neutral, and he pulled open the door. Although his heart sank when he saw who it was, he made sure that the mask did not slip, that he did not reveal anything. Of course, he did not have to work very hard at that, for he was becoming very well practiced in it.
"Legolas, what can I do for you?" he asked.
"Do you mind if I come in?" the Elfling asked shyly.
Calaen stepped back wordlessly, and watched as his brother entered the room. Legolas was nervous, it seemed. He bit down on his lip and twisted his hands; one of his bare feet drew patterns in the soft carpet; he kept his eyes lowered, but it was clear that he wanted to say something.
"What did you want?" Calaen asked.
"Well, I...I just wanted to talk to you," Legolas said quietly.
"Go on, then."
The child nodded, and watched the older Elf go to sit on the edge of the bed. "Do you remember what we used to do before Nana died?"
Calaen looked up sharply, surprised both at the question, and the mention of his mother. Shaking himself mentally, he replied, "We did many things before Naneth passed on."
"Yes. Well...there was one thing that we did, but we don't do it any more, and I miss it a lot," Legolas said.
Only a few months ago, Calaen would have found this adorable, the way that the child edged around what he wanted to say. Now though, he found that he hated it. "By the Valar, Legolas, will you just say what you want to say, or get out?" he snapped. He paused, and looked down at his brother. "You are supposed to be in bed anyway."
"I know, and that is what I wanted to talk about," Legolas replied. He had flinched at Calaen's harsh tone, but forced himself to think nothing of it. "Can you remember how Ada or Nana would put me to bed, and then I would sneak out and come to see you, even though I wasn't supposed to?"
"I remember," Calaen said softly.
Legolas smiled happily at that. "And I would come in here and we would talk about lots of different things, or you would read to me. I liked that, because you can make your voice sound different, so I was able to tell all the different people in the book apart."
"It made you laugh," Calaen nodded.
"Yes, it did. But sometimes you wouldn't read. Sometimes you would sing to me, and that would always make me fall asleep," Legolas continued. "And you never woke me up, Cal. You always let me stay in here for the night."
"I thought that if I took you back to your room, you might wake," Calaen said. It was with great difficulty that he was keeping his voice steady. The memories were awakening new emotions in him.
"And sometimes, Ada would find out that I had left my bed, and he would come in here to get me, but we would both pretend to be asleep so that I wouldn't have to go back," Legolas said. "And then when he left again, we would burst out laughing, because we fooled him every time."
Calaen leaned forwards to rest his head in his hands. "Why...why are you saying all of this, Legolas?
"Because we haven't done it since Nana died, and I miss it so much," the Elfling said softly. He paused, and took a tentative step forwards. "Do you, Cal?"
The dark haired Elf was silent as he wondered how to answer. No, he did not miss it, because if truth be told, he had not given a single thought to it. He wished that Legolas had not come in, wished that he had not begun to speak of the past. All he had done, was drive home the fact that things would never be the same again.
"Cal, do you-
"I don't know," Calaen snapped. "Why should you suddenly start to miss it now, after four months? It obviously did not mean that much to you, if you have only remembered it now."
"That's not true," Legolas breathed. "It did mean a lot to me, Cal. I used to look forward to going to bed, just so that I could spend time with you. And I have wanted to come in here, but I was afraid."
"What were you afraid of?"
"You!"
"Me?" Calaen blinked in surprise. "Why should you be afraid of me?"
Legolas shook his head, and lowered his eyes to the floor. "Because...because I didn't know if you would want to see me or talk to me. I didn't know if you would be happy or mad, and I didn't know if you still loved me." He paused, and looked up, somewhat nervously. "Do you?"
"Why so many questions?" Calaen asked, his voice choking.
"Why so few answers?" Legolas retorted.
The dark haired Elf looked down, and his eyes flashed angrily. "Alright, you have said what you wanted to say, I have listened to you, it is over. Get out, Legolas, leave me with the peace I had before you came along and shattered it."
"Calaen-
"Out!"
Legolas' eyes filled. Not with tears, but just with disbelief and sadness. So, his brother was unable to answer a question which should not have even had to be asked. He held Calaen's gaze for a few seconds longer, before turning and going over to the door. But just as he reached up to the handle, there was a knock from on the other side.
"Calaen, are you busy?"
Legolas froze at the voice, and, not taking his eyes off the door, said quietly, "It's Ada."
Calaen paused. Only a few months ago, he would have hidden his brother somewhere in the room. Maybe in the cupboard, or under the room. Not this time, though. He looked down at Legolas, and locked eyes with him, as he called out, "No, I am not busy. Come in."
"But Cal..."
The dark haired Prince shrugged. "Sorry. You should be in bed anyway."
The oak door opened, and King Thranduil came into the room. At first, he looked towards his elder son, not even noticing the small presence beside him. But when the shifting of that small presence caught his attention, he glanced down. Annoyance seemed to flit across his face at first, but it quickly vanished as he delicately arched an eyebrow, waiting for the child to speak.
"Hello Ada," Legolas said in a small voice.
"Hello Legolas," the Elven-king replied.
"I'll go back to bed now, Ada."
"Yes, you do that."
"Alright. Goodnight, Ada."
"Goodnight, Legolas."
As the child slipped silently from the room, Thranduil shook his head slightly in amusement. "Yes, he will go back to bed...after taking a detour to the kitchens to steal some food."
"Why do you let him go on his own, then, if you know he will do that?" Calaen asked.
"He's a child, let him have his fun," Thranduil replied. "You did it when you were his age. I can remember that your mother decided to make a chart, and every time we caught you and Airëlus sneaking off to the kitchens, she would put a mark on it."
Calaen was silent for a moment, his mind working furiously. He couldn't remember doing that. Shaking himself, he nodded, and smiled. "Yes, you are right, I suppose."
"Hmm. What was he doing in here anyway?" Thranduil asked, sitting down in the chair at the desk.
"Oh, I don't think you really want to know," Calaen replied.
The Elven-king tilted his head sideways. "What was he doing?"
"He...came in here shortly after you put him to bed, and said that it was too early to go to sleep, and he wasn't going to, and no-one could make him," Calaen said abruptly. He sighed, and shook his head regretfully. "We were actually in the middle of an argument before you came."
"Were you indeed?" Thranduil said slowly.
Calaen nodded. "Yes. I think he was just about to storm out when you knocked on the door."
"Temperamental child," the King murmured.
"Well, that is what I thought also," Calaen agreed.
Thranduil picked up a quill from the desk, and began absent-mindedly turning it over in his fingers. "I will talk to him about it tomorrow."
"No, I would not do that if I were you," Calaen said.
"And why would that be?"
"It was partly my fault anyway," the dark haired Elf admitted. "I told him to stop being immature, and that he should go back to bed. Just watch him carefully, Ada, to make sure that he does not act like that again, and I will tell you if he should do something like this in the future."
The Elven-king was silent for a moment, but then he nodded. "Hmm. Yes, alright then. Anyway, I came in here for something else."
"Yes?"
"The last few months have been difficult for all of us, but for you especially. You were always strong, ion-nin, but now you are even more so," Thranduil said softly. "I just...I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you."
"Are you?" Calaen was genuinely surprised, and it showed on his face.
"Of course I am. Why would I not be?" The King moved across to sit on the edge of the bed, and rested a hand on the Prince's cheek. "You are my son, Calaen, and I love you more than you can imagine. You have made me proud since the second you drew breath, and I know that you always will."
"Ada," Calaen muttered.
"I speak nothing but the truth," Thranduil said quietly.
Calaen smiled, and moved forwards slightly to embrace his father. As he buried his face into the King's robes, his eyes glinted coldly. So, Legolas had been afraid of him? That was interesting, very interesting. That had never happened before. He had never before had power.
'You lied about him,' an accusing voice said in the back of his mind.
'I know I did, and it was easy to do so,' he replied silently.
'But it was very wrong,' the voice continued.
'What do you know?'
'I know it was wrong, and you should not have done it.'
'Shut up!'
'It was wrong.'
'But at the same time, strangely satisfying. If I did it once, I can do it again.'
'That is wrong.'
Calaen pushed away the nagging voice of his own conscience. What did it know anyway? Yes, accusing Legolas of something he had not done had made him feel good; it had made given him a rush of power that he wanted to feel again. No. He would feel it again. He would give it a bit of time before striking again, but strike, is what he would do.
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Legolas-gurl88: Wow, that picture sounds really funny! I saw some really funny LOTR captions the other day, so I'll send those to you also! Oh dear, I feel bad for that teacher, who had most of his class go out to read the book, because they hadn't already! Anyway, I think I sent you an e-mail the other day. Yeah, I remember what I put in it, so I definitely did send it this time!
Kathysidle: Yeah, I totally know what you mean about being pressed for time! I have five days in which to learn a whole script. I don't know how the heck I'm gonna do that, but hey, I can try!
Elven Kitten: I know, I know. It is very sad. But just think, if there wasn't any evil Calaen, then there would be no storyline to 'Jealousy' or 'Captured.' Or this one, for that matter. So really, evil Calaen is good. In his own way!
Kel: Nope, tempers are good. Do you know what's even better? Cookies. Give me some of those, and I'll consider bringing the twins back in!
Halimanya: Yeah, I feel sorry for him also. Its quite funny, actually. I can remember when I was writing 'Jealousy', everyone said how much they hated him, and how he should be thrown into craters and everything. Now he has people feeling sorry for him! Honestly...
Lombadia Greenleaf: Hope you had a good holiday!
Princess Vespa: You have a day of school? Get this: I have a whole week of college, because we're already half way through the term. Its cool that they give us time off just for...getting up early in the morning and sitting in the college café, drinking hot chocolate! I'm making myself sound really lazy. I do actually do a lot of work! Oh yeah, to answer your question, he is gonna be finding out in about seven chapters or so! Prepare for even more emotional turmoil!
That's not very nice. Well, this is the last of my 'gap-filler' chapters. If you don't already know, I have actually already written up to the chapter where Calaen finds out about his real father, and that is in like, 7 chapters time or something. But when I was going to put up a chapter, I realised that there were loads of gaps that had to filled in, so I went on a writing spree, and that is why a lot of the updates were late.
Anyway, Calaen's evilness is starting to show. He is still very confused, of course. His thoughts are very muddled, and obviously he doesn't know what or why he is doing things. His character is very much based on myself, so it's quite interesting, writing him. Just to let you know, though, that I have never killed anybody, and I'm not planning to. Anyway, see you soon!
PS: Did anyone see EastEnders on Friday? Can you believe that Sarah stabbed Martin? Ok, do any of you guys even watch EastEnders? I doubt it. Now you all probably think I'm crazy, rambling on about some TV show that no-one has even heard of. Yeah, I'm crazy.