The incoherent Thoughts of a Young Seven Point Five.
Disclaimer: I do not own DBZ of related products.
I'm losing it again. You're playing on my mind. . .My soul. . . Every part of my being is yours. . .you bought me. . .You bought me like a worthless doll. That's what I am. . .Right? A mere puppet used to entertain. . .Yes. . .That's it. They paint me with my blood; make me dance with steel chains. They control me. . .My mind, my body. . .And you my precious own me. I'm yours to use as you will. . .Never.
You will never use me, you will never tame me, I will never be you. Never be you. I see the ways your friends look at me. Do you think I am blind? I can see for myself the undoubting hatred and fear they have for me. And you. . .You praise them for it. . .Why?
Am I so useless that you don't even bother to look at me anymore? I am, aren't I. I'll prove you wrong. . .I will. You'll see. . .YOU'LL ALL FUCKING SEE!. . . heh. . .See what I wonder? The anger of a bonded fool? Yes, perhaps they will. It drives me mad it does. The emptiness of this all. This little mind game. . .It tears into my flesh, burrowing deeper into my ice heart with ever breath I take. You couldn't know. . .You couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about, could you. I wouldn't expect you to anyway. You think I'm a child, an innocent who knows nothing, sees nothing, hears nothing. . .Peh. . .You and this plastic world of yours, so fake, so real, like a flawed illusion; one that entraps the body and feast on the rhythm of your thoughts.
Glass torso.
Beauty. Some say it belongs in the minds eye of the beholder. . .Or something to that effect. What is beauty to you? Is it the peace of the spring river, blooming back into life after the frozen winter wasteland melts away into days past? Or is it the slaughter and brutality of war, the decaying bodies on your beloved battlefield, the taste of fresh blood on your lips. . .I'll never know will I? It's another one of your cruel games. Keep me guessing till our time is spent and we have little more to do than sit in whitewashed room and waste, waste away eternity. Sounds like something you'd do. . .
Do you lust for me to be like you. You refuse to answer me. Refuse to listen to me. Refuse to acknowledge my presence. I've gotten use to that. . .I have. . .really. It makes no difference to me whether you see me or not. What does it matter? You own me; I'm always going to be there. . .Who cares if you see me now as long as I'm here. . .Do you even care if I exist?
You left me. . .You left me to die. . .How could you? What did I ever do? Was it the way I look? I can't help. . .it. . .I CAN'T HELP IT DAMNIT! I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS I'M NOT YOUR PERFECTION! I'm not yours! I'm not yours. . .Not yours. Don't call me that.
I'm calm. I'm balanced. I have no anger, nor jealousy, nor love. I don't need to hang onto these anymore. They are human. . .I'm not one of them. . .What am I?
Blood tears.
What's this? Something new? Yes. . .I believe it is. . .Interesting indeed. . .It fell from me- my eyes. Did I do it? If so, how? I've never done that before. . .Can I do it again? It runs down my cheeks, it's comforting, like rain, like fire. Why does it do this?
This chilling, this cooling, this void in my chest. My throat goes numb. . .I don't know why. All of this is happening too soon. Cold sweat forms on my brow. . .Why is this happening? Am I causing this by my thoughts? I can control my body like this? He can't control me the way I am now. . .Can he? Is this his doing?
He rides my thoughts, steals my breath, relaxes my body, pulls taut my mind, destroys my sanity, restores my strength, robs me of my immortality, teaches my mortal ways.
He is perfection. . .Perfection. . .He does no wrong. He is incapable of being squandered, unable to look upon the unworthy. . .Now I'm unworthy, great. . .I was never worthy of his gaze anyway, what am I trying to convince myself of? I am exhausting my grace doing this. . .Maybe today will be the day he chooses. . .Maybe not. . .Only he knows when he'll return. I can hear him already. . .In the back of my mind. He's whispering to me. He wants me. . .Why?
Unnecessary contamination.
I ruined him. I ruined him, he breaks me, I linger, he fades, I grow older, he grows younger. We cancel eachother out in the end. We cannot exist side by side. I wish it were not so. I love you. . .There's that word. The killer. Love. To what purpose does it serve? It makes you weak, causes pain. . .And yet, pain is weakness leaving the body. . .Nothing makes sense. I can't tell up from down, left from right. My world is collapsing upon itself in a wonderful, horrible implosion. . .It's better than the sweetest morphine, the most toxic drug.
Yes, cause me pain, rip me to shreds, use me, beat me, burn me, callous me, KILL ME! Ease my suffering, show me mercy, be generous, be crude. Just stop your game, I can't take it anymore! You're all I think about! You're all I know. I blame you for myself. . .I blame you, I curse you, I maim you for what you are, for what you created me from. Without you life would be a joyous sin!
I can see you among the clouds. I can't tell you the color of your skin, the magnificence of the sky you dwell in. I don't even know the gentle touch of your hand on my face. All I can feel of you is the venom you spit at me, the sting of your vinegar spit upon my face. People call you the Daemon King. They don't know you, do they?
Assumptions.
I assume you can see me now. Wait, I'm inferior. You couldn't see me if you tried. Today isn't the day.
You touch down on the lush grass. . .Green? What is green? What makes it different from red, blue, violet? WHY CAN'T I TELL THIS?
Your every step sounds in my head, clearer than a thousand dawns. I look up to you. You walk along in your glory, your perfection. How can you do this to me?! It's agony, pure, undiluted agony you cast upon me ever time I see you.
You pass. I'm behind you. Still staring where you were not a second ago. Your scent is still in the air. Flowers. . .roses and tulips. . .How do I know what that smells like. . .I don't even know what a rose is. You never told me, you won't allow me to see for myself. It must not be important. . .Or is it. . .Time will tell.
You continue walking. Slowly, I turn to see you. You never looked back. . .Did you? Not even so much as a glance? WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRODE OVER ME. I'LL PUT UP A SIGN 'WALK ALL OVER ME BASTARD' MAYBE THEN YOU'LL NOTICE ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Heh. . .Throwing a fit again. How immature, childish. I don't blame you for not looking down. You're too good for that. I wouldn't want to disturb you with my ugliness. . .God forbid I do that. . .Forbid it for me. . .Please.
Rage, malice, peace, remorse.
I don't need those either. I'm making good progress. I don't need any of these silly human things. He doesn't need them, why should I? It's a long road ahead of me. I have nothing before me, nothing behind. . .Is that a trace of perfection on me, a clean spot on my bruised, beaten skin? I believe it is. . .Interesting.
He's gone. I lost him again. . .I didn't even get to say goodbye. . .I don't need rage or malice, what am I suppose to feel now? Remorse. . .oh. . .I can't feel that either now. . .I'll feel nothing. . .Like him. Yeah. . .I'll just stand here and not do anything. . .Not feel anything. . .Not be anything. . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I. . . . . . . . . . . . . Can't. . . . . . . do. . . . thissss
I'm not like this. I'm not blank. I'm not perfect; I don't know what I am.
I run after you, peeking through ever room, moving every barrier, breaking every shield. Just let me speak to you once more. I'll never ask for anything else if you give me this. Please. . .I'm begging, lowering myself for all to see, let me do this!
Into the deepest corridors, below the highest attic, above the darkest dungeons. . .You're not there. You did this to me again. AGAIN! It's the same every time. . .You give me hope, then drown it for kicks. Bloodsucking bastard. . .I don't need these emotions. . .I want them gone. The guilt, the despair, the pride, the joy. . . I WANT THEM ALL GONE. . .That way I can kill you without feeling. . .Yes. . .That is what I've been longing for. . .To be rid of you. . .It's so simple, so delicate, how could I have overlooked it? My ignorance amazes me.
I keep on searching. I see a room with its door shut. Fine mahogany, engraved with ancient border, meticulously carved in. . ..Beauty. My fingers brush upon the silver knob. I know you're in there. I can feel you in there. You dare to hide from me again?
The door cracks open so I can see. You're sitting with one of your friends. One of the lineage of Son. You never told me what he is called. Did he get a number? A wry smile on my lips, a feeling of companionship. . . I should be rid of it now.
My smile is replaced by a dull stare. You would ignore my being to sit with a friend on a down bed. . .Doing wonders for my esteem that it is. . .I withhold air from my body. I need not make a sound now, not until I find why he is important to you. . .More important than I. My vision blurs. The edges turn blacker than Indian ink. My sight still remains on you.
Disease
Your touch graces his chin, he looks at you, you at him. I feel. . .I don't. . .Know. . .Bitter? Possibly. . .But I keep on watching. He touches you back, on your chest. . .You won't let me touch you that way. . .You won't let me touch you at all. . .Your other hand runs through his hair, you pull him close. . .You're killing me from the inside. . .Why? Your lips lock, he falls limp on you. . .You embrace him tenderly. . .
My breath is drawn hastily and in silence- I back against the wall, sliding down to the floor. "So, you choose his company over mine. . ." I manage to choke in-between the pounding in my head ". . .Then let my heart be turned to ice, my soul dyed blacker than the deepest reaches of Hell, my being be damned to a hollow shell. You'd love me then wouldn't you?" I place a hand over my heart. It beats with light speed, the energy of the sun. Mournfully I carve into my body with the claws you gave me- the shape of a heart over the one that beats. Blood seeps from the wound. I can't tell the color, just the tinge of cold over that spot. "So be it. . .If that's what it takes for you. . .Father. . ."
Disclaimer: I do not own DBZ of related products.
I'm losing it again. You're playing on my mind. . .My soul. . . Every part of my being is yours. . .you bought me. . .You bought me like a worthless doll. That's what I am. . .Right? A mere puppet used to entertain. . .Yes. . .That's it. They paint me with my blood; make me dance with steel chains. They control me. . .My mind, my body. . .And you my precious own me. I'm yours to use as you will. . .Never.
You will never use me, you will never tame me, I will never be you. Never be you. I see the ways your friends look at me. Do you think I am blind? I can see for myself the undoubting hatred and fear they have for me. And you. . .You praise them for it. . .Why?
Am I so useless that you don't even bother to look at me anymore? I am, aren't I. I'll prove you wrong. . .I will. You'll see. . .YOU'LL ALL FUCKING SEE!. . . heh. . .See what I wonder? The anger of a bonded fool? Yes, perhaps they will. It drives me mad it does. The emptiness of this all. This little mind game. . .It tears into my flesh, burrowing deeper into my ice heart with ever breath I take. You couldn't know. . .You couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about, could you. I wouldn't expect you to anyway. You think I'm a child, an innocent who knows nothing, sees nothing, hears nothing. . .Peh. . .You and this plastic world of yours, so fake, so real, like a flawed illusion; one that entraps the body and feast on the rhythm of your thoughts.
Glass torso.
Beauty. Some say it belongs in the minds eye of the beholder. . .Or something to that effect. What is beauty to you? Is it the peace of the spring river, blooming back into life after the frozen winter wasteland melts away into days past? Or is it the slaughter and brutality of war, the decaying bodies on your beloved battlefield, the taste of fresh blood on your lips. . .I'll never know will I? It's another one of your cruel games. Keep me guessing till our time is spent and we have little more to do than sit in whitewashed room and waste, waste away eternity. Sounds like something you'd do. . .
Do you lust for me to be like you. You refuse to answer me. Refuse to listen to me. Refuse to acknowledge my presence. I've gotten use to that. . .I have. . .really. It makes no difference to me whether you see me or not. What does it matter? You own me; I'm always going to be there. . .Who cares if you see me now as long as I'm here. . .Do you even care if I exist?
You left me. . .You left me to die. . .How could you? What did I ever do? Was it the way I look? I can't help. . .it. . .I CAN'T HELP IT DAMNIT! I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS I'M NOT YOUR PERFECTION! I'm not yours! I'm not yours. . .Not yours. Don't call me that.
I'm calm. I'm balanced. I have no anger, nor jealousy, nor love. I don't need to hang onto these anymore. They are human. . .I'm not one of them. . .What am I?
Blood tears.
What's this? Something new? Yes. . .I believe it is. . .Interesting indeed. . .It fell from me- my eyes. Did I do it? If so, how? I've never done that before. . .Can I do it again? It runs down my cheeks, it's comforting, like rain, like fire. Why does it do this?
This chilling, this cooling, this void in my chest. My throat goes numb. . .I don't know why. All of this is happening too soon. Cold sweat forms on my brow. . .Why is this happening? Am I causing this by my thoughts? I can control my body like this? He can't control me the way I am now. . .Can he? Is this his doing?
He rides my thoughts, steals my breath, relaxes my body, pulls taut my mind, destroys my sanity, restores my strength, robs me of my immortality, teaches my mortal ways.
He is perfection. . .Perfection. . .He does no wrong. He is incapable of being squandered, unable to look upon the unworthy. . .Now I'm unworthy, great. . .I was never worthy of his gaze anyway, what am I trying to convince myself of? I am exhausting my grace doing this. . .Maybe today will be the day he chooses. . .Maybe not. . .Only he knows when he'll return. I can hear him already. . .In the back of my mind. He's whispering to me. He wants me. . .Why?
Unnecessary contamination.
I ruined him. I ruined him, he breaks me, I linger, he fades, I grow older, he grows younger. We cancel eachother out in the end. We cannot exist side by side. I wish it were not so. I love you. . .There's that word. The killer. Love. To what purpose does it serve? It makes you weak, causes pain. . .And yet, pain is weakness leaving the body. . .Nothing makes sense. I can't tell up from down, left from right. My world is collapsing upon itself in a wonderful, horrible implosion. . .It's better than the sweetest morphine, the most toxic drug.
Yes, cause me pain, rip me to shreds, use me, beat me, burn me, callous me, KILL ME! Ease my suffering, show me mercy, be generous, be crude. Just stop your game, I can't take it anymore! You're all I think about! You're all I know. I blame you for myself. . .I blame you, I curse you, I maim you for what you are, for what you created me from. Without you life would be a joyous sin!
I can see you among the clouds. I can't tell you the color of your skin, the magnificence of the sky you dwell in. I don't even know the gentle touch of your hand on my face. All I can feel of you is the venom you spit at me, the sting of your vinegar spit upon my face. People call you the Daemon King. They don't know you, do they?
Assumptions.
I assume you can see me now. Wait, I'm inferior. You couldn't see me if you tried. Today isn't the day.
You touch down on the lush grass. . .Green? What is green? What makes it different from red, blue, violet? WHY CAN'T I TELL THIS?
Your every step sounds in my head, clearer than a thousand dawns. I look up to you. You walk along in your glory, your perfection. How can you do this to me?! It's agony, pure, undiluted agony you cast upon me ever time I see you.
You pass. I'm behind you. Still staring where you were not a second ago. Your scent is still in the air. Flowers. . .roses and tulips. . .How do I know what that smells like. . .I don't even know what a rose is. You never told me, you won't allow me to see for myself. It must not be important. . .Or is it. . .Time will tell.
You continue walking. Slowly, I turn to see you. You never looked back. . .Did you? Not even so much as a glance? WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRODE OVER ME. I'LL PUT UP A SIGN 'WALK ALL OVER ME BASTARD' MAYBE THEN YOU'LL NOTICE ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Heh. . .Throwing a fit again. How immature, childish. I don't blame you for not looking down. You're too good for that. I wouldn't want to disturb you with my ugliness. . .God forbid I do that. . .Forbid it for me. . .Please.
Rage, malice, peace, remorse.
I don't need those either. I'm making good progress. I don't need any of these silly human things. He doesn't need them, why should I? It's a long road ahead of me. I have nothing before me, nothing behind. . .Is that a trace of perfection on me, a clean spot on my bruised, beaten skin? I believe it is. . .Interesting.
He's gone. I lost him again. . .I didn't even get to say goodbye. . .I don't need rage or malice, what am I suppose to feel now? Remorse. . .oh. . .I can't feel that either now. . .I'll feel nothing. . .Like him. Yeah. . .I'll just stand here and not do anything. . .Not feel anything. . .Not be anything. . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I. . . . . . . . . . . . . Can't. . . . . . . do. . . . thissss
I'm not like this. I'm not blank. I'm not perfect; I don't know what I am.
I run after you, peeking through ever room, moving every barrier, breaking every shield. Just let me speak to you once more. I'll never ask for anything else if you give me this. Please. . .I'm begging, lowering myself for all to see, let me do this!
Into the deepest corridors, below the highest attic, above the darkest dungeons. . .You're not there. You did this to me again. AGAIN! It's the same every time. . .You give me hope, then drown it for kicks. Bloodsucking bastard. . .I don't need these emotions. . .I want them gone. The guilt, the despair, the pride, the joy. . . I WANT THEM ALL GONE. . .That way I can kill you without feeling. . .Yes. . .That is what I've been longing for. . .To be rid of you. . .It's so simple, so delicate, how could I have overlooked it? My ignorance amazes me.
I keep on searching. I see a room with its door shut. Fine mahogany, engraved with ancient border, meticulously carved in. . ..Beauty. My fingers brush upon the silver knob. I know you're in there. I can feel you in there. You dare to hide from me again?
The door cracks open so I can see. You're sitting with one of your friends. One of the lineage of Son. You never told me what he is called. Did he get a number? A wry smile on my lips, a feeling of companionship. . . I should be rid of it now.
My smile is replaced by a dull stare. You would ignore my being to sit with a friend on a down bed. . .Doing wonders for my esteem that it is. . .I withhold air from my body. I need not make a sound now, not until I find why he is important to you. . .More important than I. My vision blurs. The edges turn blacker than Indian ink. My sight still remains on you.
Disease
Your touch graces his chin, he looks at you, you at him. I feel. . .I don't. . .Know. . .Bitter? Possibly. . .But I keep on watching. He touches you back, on your chest. . .You won't let me touch you that way. . .You won't let me touch you at all. . .Your other hand runs through his hair, you pull him close. . .You're killing me from the inside. . .Why? Your lips lock, he falls limp on you. . .You embrace him tenderly. . .
My breath is drawn hastily and in silence- I back against the wall, sliding down to the floor. "So, you choose his company over mine. . ." I manage to choke in-between the pounding in my head ". . .Then let my heart be turned to ice, my soul dyed blacker than the deepest reaches of Hell, my being be damned to a hollow shell. You'd love me then wouldn't you?" I place a hand over my heart. It beats with light speed, the energy of the sun. Mournfully I carve into my body with the claws you gave me- the shape of a heart over the one that beats. Blood seeps from the wound. I can't tell the color, just the tinge of cold over that spot. "So be it. . .If that's what it takes for you. . .Father. . ."