Chapter 5: What If

Lizzie

I sat on the edge of my bed looking out the window. I had a blanket wrapped around my body and a mug of coffee warming my hands. The events of last night kept replaying in my head, and it hurt even more every time.

The phone rang and I picked it up. "Hello," I said in a monotone voice. "Liz? You feeling okay? You didn't look to good when I left last night," Tom said. "I'm fine," I replied dryly.

"Okay, well, I'm in Denver right now. I just wanted to make sure you we-"

"I said I'm okay, Cory," I said sharply, I didn't need to be bothered with this right now. "Oh," Cory said sounding a bit taken back, "Well, I'll call you tomorrow. I love you."

I opened my mouth to reply but my tongue felt like lead. I couldn't tell him that I loved him. "Bye," I whispered and hung up. I couldn't tell my fiancee that I loved him.

The rain pounded against the window, reminding me all too much of the last night I spent in Gordo's arms.

FLASHBACK

The rain pattered melodiously against the roof in what seemed like perfect harmony with the beat of Gordo's heart. It was our first spring break from college and Gordo flew out to New York to see me.

We were laying on my bed in the dorm after Gordo took my out to dinner and I showed him around the campus. We talked about anything and everything, from classes to food. Sometimes just sitting in silence, but that was enough for us, we just needed the presence of the other.

"Lizzie," Gordo began, breaking the silence. "Yes," I said snuggling further into his chest. "Remember that night on the phone a few months ago?" I thought for a minute before answering, "Yeah."

"Well, Lizzie, I thought about what we said, about waiting to get married," he pulled away from me, leaving my fingers grasping at air. He got on the floor on one knee and reached into his pocket.

"Lizzie, I love you, so much. And I can't stand not being with you, to not be able to hold you or kiss you," he said as he brought out a small velvet box from his pocket, "More that anything, I want to be able to see you every day and tell you to your face how much I love you."

Tears blurred my vision as he finished. "Lizzie, I want you to be my wife. So will you marry me?" he asked.

"Oh, Gordo," I said wiping away my tears. I grasped his shoulders and placed him on the bed. "Gordo, I love you so much. And I want to be your wife," I began sitting on his lap, "But more than anything, I want you to finish college. I don't want you to give up your dreams for me."

I set my hands over his and closed the box. "Just three more years," I said resting my forehead against his, "I'm sorry."

I felt him sigh and I placed my head in the crook of his neck. "But what if you don't want to marry me after college?" he questioned, "What if you find someone else?"

"Gordo, I could never find anybody who could even begin to measure up to you," I said, "You will always be the one and only person for me."

Gordo smiled and kissed the tip of my nose. "Then can you do me one favor?" he asked. "Anything," I said running my hand through his mass of curls.

"Can you wear this?" he said pulling the ring out of it's velvet shell, "as a sort of promise ring. A promise that no matter what, after I get on that plane tomorrow morning, I will always come back for you. I will come back to you and we'll get married and spend every moment of the rest of our lives together."

He slid the ring on my finger. At that moment I couldn't help but smile. I was practically engaged! And to the greatest man on the face of the earth.

I kissed him deeply and he gladly responded. I ran my tongue along his bottom lip, begging his mouth to open.

We finally pulled apart for air. "Lizzie, did you really mean it when you said you could never love anyone like you love me?" Gordo asked.

"Of course," I panted, "I couldn't even imagine loving someone the way I love you. I will never marry another."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

END FLASHBACK

I rested my head in my shaking hands. All these memories. Why were they haunting me now? Nine years later? Why? Why...

Now I couldn't help but wonder, what if I had said yes nine years ago? One simple yes could have changed everything. I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what if. I would have been living it.

I looked down at my left hand and saw my engagement ring to Tom. Then it hit me. I broke my promise to Gordo. I will never marry another I had said. Now look at me, engaged to someone who wasn't Gordo.

Suddenly the ring seemed suffocating and I pulled it off. I set it on the night stand and looked wildly about the room. I still had Gordo's promise ring, I had to have it.

I ran over to my trunk and opened the heavy lid. A certain, comforting musty smell filled my nostrils as I searched it. It was this trunk I had used to bury all the memories I had of him. I used this trunk to get rid of my sorrows, to get rid of all the love I still stored for him.

With every item I pulled out of the trunk I pulled another memory out with it. My cat sat on the end of the bed, his green eyes glowing bright against his black fur as he observed me in my toil. My Border Collie, Cassidy, rested her head on the edge of the box, peering intently at the various items while my Sheltie just sat in her usual bored manner on the edge of the bed.

I pulled out everything you could imagine, old shirts of Gordo's I had borrowed and never returned, a jacket also Gordo's which I never returned, and even a hotel towel among the few. With every item came a memory tumbling out of her heart that was thought to be lost forever.

A bolt of lightening eliminated the dark room and I noticed a small wooden box in the corner of the old trunk. I lifted it out ans set it on my lap. For a moment I just sat there, running my fingers along the oak surface and across the picture of me ad Gordo plastered on the front. I actually remembered the picture. It was a candid one that Miranda took the summer before college.

Gordo stood behind me with his arms around my waist. I had one hand on his cheek and my body was twisted around for a kiss. I remembered those time. Everything seemed so perfect, I couldn't imagine my life another way. Everywhere I looked I had seen Gordo. I saw him in my yesterdays, todays and tomorrows. Now, he was merely a yesterday.

I opened the box and sighed. On top of all the photographs of us together, the movie ticket stubs, letters from Gordo, was the ring. The stone glittered in the dull light and it's delicate band still shined after all these years.

I pulled it slowly from the box and held it in front of me. I just held it to my chest and cried. Cried for Gordo. Cried for living a false love. Cried for a past love. Most of all, I cried for what the ring stood for. Broken promises, and promises never spoken.