A/N: My friend Jenni, YenniBabie at , helped with most of the dialogue and wrote all of the Hermione/Ron dialogue. I just wanted to give credit where credit is deserved. Also, this is my first time writing a complete story/parody. The above mentioned friend Jenni, my abusive muse, has somehow finally managed to get me to sit down long enough to write out one of my ideas (if you can even call this an idea, it was more of a spur of the moment type thing). The writing is a bit on the informal side but the informality is part of the parody. Oh and also I have nothing against Hermione/Ron and Harry/Ginny, I think they're adorable


My Ideal Harry Potter Ending

My friend Jenni is shagging a monkey named Ron in my closet.

Speaking of which, haven't you ever thought about what your ideal Harry Potter ending would be? I have.

Once.

About five minutes ago.

Which is what led me to write this.

Okay, well I've been reading a lot of fics about the Marauders lately and the fact that Lily and James die has been making me really sad. That fact really does ruin a good Lily/James fic, you know. Especially when Lily says something along the lines of, "I know there is a war going on right now but it's going to be okay because I'm pregnant with James' baby who I love with all my heart, and we are going to have a wonderful life together." However really it's more like, "Uh, actually you have about two years to live before one of your husband's best friends betrays him and Voldemort comes to kill you, but lovely ending nonetheless." That tiny detail really does ruin a good fic. So, as a result of this newly established dread towards their death, I think the big twist at the end of the books should be that all the people Voldemort has killed should come back to life, for the sake of good fic writing. No really, when Harry beats up Voldemort and Voldemort turns out to be a rock or something, all the people who have died should come back out of Voldemort's wand so all the families can be happy again.

And don't laugh about the rock. You never know with those Harry Potter books, and J.K Rowling could probably pull off having the great dark wizard of all time turn out to be a rock looking for meaning in its life, anyways. That is, if the idea wasn't so stupid.

All right, so back to my ending. If Lily and James don't come back to life I think Peter Pettigrew should at least get his penis chopped off as opposed to the hand he had cut off before. It's not like he uses it anyways, because of the fact that nobody likes him. Plus he was a rat for twelve years so I don't think he was getting any for a long time. How do rats have sex, anyways?

Moving on, I don't know of any straight males who would appreciate losing their penis, so I think cutting off Peter's would be a reasonable form of revenge considering he was the reason Harry has no parents and is always angsty.

Stupid Peter.

Plus if Harry's parents do not come back then he can always go live with Sirius and Remus, since Sirius is coming back of course.

He is.

And he and Remus are going to move in together, just because.

Or, or, or…

I've got it!

MRS.NORRIS SAVES THE DAY

Yes.

It's all coming together now. Harry would be on the edge of death while trying to fight Voldemort and then POW! Out purrs Mrs. Norris with her SUPER eyes, and then proceeds to stare down Voldemort TO DEATH. Then, out of no where, Crookshanks would come out along with Animagus!Mcgonagall.

Because you see, it turns out that the one thing Voldemort can not stand is cats. It's a bit far fetched I know, but what Harry Potter ending isn't? Like that one time when that one guy used the polyjuice potion to pretend to be that other guy? Yeah, that was rad.

So yeah, Voldemort can not stand cats, so naturally he dies.

Of course Dumbledore would know everything but not share his knowledge until after all is well again.

"You see Harry, all along you've had the one thing that Voldemort fears most."

"My mother's love and sacrifice for me?"

"No, the support of cats."

And then Peter loses his penis.

And Harry's parents come back.

As well as Neville's.

And Lucius goes shags his brother or whomever his incestal being enjoys.

And Ron and Hermione make love. I can see it now... there would be a whole paragraph of their PG rated love scene.

"Oh, Ron, look at you! You've grown muscles! From Quidditch! Look what all that sitting on a broom stick has done to your entire physique!" Hermione exclaimed in utter and complete awe.

"Oh, and you too Hermione! I've only just seen you for the first time without those horrible, nasty Hogwarts robes, and it turns out your breasts nearly poked my eyes out!" Ron awed back, "You are so bossy and snobby and such a big fat know it all, and every time we row, all I want to do is kiss your red, succulent lips."

Yeah, something like that.

Harry would need a mate as well though. Well, I guess he can be with Ginny. Hmm… I wonder how Ron would handle having his best friend want to get with his sister.

"Hey Ron, I'm in love with your little sister, is that all right with you?"

"You mean Ginny, my only sister, my only little sister whom I guard and protect with my life and hardly ever am comfortable with having any guy near her, that little sister?"

"Yeah, I knew you'd understand."

Oh, but Dumbledore would die for dramatic effect.

He put too much effort into Apparating into a market to buy cat food to feed the cats. And with his dying breath he gasped, "Harry… don't forget… the catnip."

It was quite tragic, really.

THE END

Just be glad I have no influence on the actual ending to the seventh book.