A Naruto Christmas Carol
Ch 3: The Ghost of Christmas Present
I'm really sorry, but I was unable to do anymore work before Christmas. The next chapter should be out before January 5th. At least I hope so. I have a major history project due on the third, and I'm most likely going to spend at least half of this week working on it.
After a long debate....with myself.... I finally managed to decide on who to use as the Ghost of Christmas Present. Originally, I'd had the idea of using Chouji, but changed my mind. Also, you will now finally meet the Cratchet family..... Just a warning: You will be shocked when you see who Mrs.Cratchet is. I don't think that anyone has even come close to guessing who 'she' is. And in this case, 'she' is a she. I got the idea when I was rereading volume three for the fiftieth or so time, and came across a line where I believe Naruto's words were "He's even girlier then Sakura!" Those of you who are not in shock now from figuring it out will be very soon, I promise.
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Ding. Ding. Ding. The clock struck eleven.
Immediately, Kakashi jumped to his feet and looked around. However, he neither saw nor heard anything out of the usual. Just the sound of the wind, bells chiming the hour, and giggling coming from inside his closet...... Wait. Giggling. Inside his closet. Kakashi promptly threw a kunai towards it, followed by several shuriken. The giggling stopped. Then the door opened, revealing none other then....
"Are you.... are you the Ghost of Christmas Present?" Kakashi asked, his voice barely a whisper due to shock. After this night, the poor man was going to be traumatized for an awfully long time... getting shocked so much in such a short period of time simply cannot be good for your health.
" Not only am I the Ghost of Christmas Present, but I'm also the Super Pervert!!!" shouted Jiraiya, beaming his typical smile.
Stupefied, Kakashi could do little more then stare, but finally managed to gasp out "But... but.... I thought... I thought you were just some normal person, not a spirit!!!"
"It's a long story." Jiraiya said, shaking his head.
"I have an hour and a half to spare in between your visit and that of the next spirit."
"Fine then, I guess I can give you the shortened version. Basically, I hit on someone I shouldn't have, and not only got pummeled, but forced into this job as well. And yes, I am very much still alive... I only turn into a spirit when I'm forced to help with cases like yours."
"That actually doesn't explain very much. Who beat you up, and what do you mean 'forced into this job'?" Kakashi asked, puzzled.
Jiraiya grinned for a moment, but then sighed. "Tsunade, the Ghost of Christmas Past." He answered. "You see, Sandaime was the person who held this job before me, but..... his spirit is in the death god's stomach now. Since he obviously couldn't keep the job, Tsunade had to go around looking for someone to replace him. And after I pissed her off, she went and picked me, against my will, just to be spiteful."
"Well, I'd have to say..... that draws considerable vacuum. "
"Yes, it does." Jiraiya said with another sigh. "Well, we've wasted enough time. Let's get going."
"Where to? How are you supposed to show me the present? I only live in it everyday."
"Yes, but not like this."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kakashi asked, now thoroughly confused.
"Look out the window. What do you see?"
Kakashi glanced down at the slumbering town. "Konoha?"
"Look closer, and think."
"Uummm... trees? My yard?" said the still puzzled Kakashi.
"No, you baka!!! What do you see in Konoha?"
"Oh. Sorry, didn't know what you meant."
Jiraiya sighed yet again. Fourth time in only a few minutes. The poor guy.... " Look. There's the bakery, with the lights left on so that everyone could see the fancy cakes and drool."
"And there's my neighbor's very much overly decorated house, every square inch covered with lights that have glared into my bedroom window since they put them up in September ." Kakashi replied as he glared at the master piece of over-decoration, although the strength of the thousands of tiny blinking lights soon began to hurt his eyes.
"Look how nice the bathhouse looks with all the lights on the roof"
"Oh, the book store has the Itcha Itcha Paradise books on display in the window. I'd forgotten all about those..." Kakashi said sadly, thinking of all the happiness he had once received from reading the series.
"WHAT?! You stopped reading my books! But you were my biggest fan! How could you?!" Jiraiya yelled, his mouth dropping open in astonishment.
"I guess I just got too busy..... I can't believe that I forgot all about them!!!" Tears sprung to his eyes and he was forced to wipe them away. Oh, how he had loved those books, reading them every waking second and then some. Now, he couldn't even remember the day that he had stopped buying them and marking the release dates on his calender.
"Oh well." Jiraiya said with a shrug. "At least now I know what to get you for a Christmas present. Now let's get going before I run out of time. If I'm late even though I was given extra time.... well, I don't know what would happen. It just probably wouldn't be all that good." With that, there was a bright purple flash, and when Kakashi opened his eyes, he found himself in someone's empty dining room. There were cheap looking dishes in a worn cabinet, and battered candle sticks on a wooden table. The smell of turkey wafted in from the kitchen.
"What the.... why was that flash purple? I would never have thought..." Kakashi didn't bother to finish his sentence.
"Tsunade didn't give me any color choices...." Jiraiya muttered. Just then, the room's lights flickered on, and a blonde girl carrying a giant fan entered.
"Yo, Kankurou! Put your dumb puppet down for a second and set the table!!!" she barked. A minute later, a boy wearing dark clothes and face paint appeared.
"I don't see you doing any work..." he muttered as he obeyed her command and proceeded to set the table.
"What did you say?" She asked, holding her fan up with an evil grin.
"Noth.....nothing!!!!" Kankurou squeaked before running to hide behind the other side of the table.
"Temari! Kankurou! Are you two fighting again?!" A voice yelled from the kitchen. Both teens jumped, and immediately went to work cleaning. A second later, a woman wearing copious amounts of make-up and a pale white apron over her green dress appeared, several needles in hand. "Do I need to remind the two of you of what happened to you and your younger brother the last time you all started fighting?" She asked, pulling several needles out from a pocket of her apron.
"No." Temari grumbled. "I did not enjoy being used as a pincushion. And I don't think that Gaara appreciated having tons of make-up applied to his face after you realized that none of the needles were hitting him." She was forced to duck as a senbon whizzed past her head and shattered a Christmas ornament that hung from the wall.
"Who are these people?!" Kakashi asked Jiraiya, both shocked and amused at the same time.
"Don't you recognize the family of your own worker?"
"You mean... this is Lee's house? And his family?"
"Yes, his wife and two of the three kids. The other one is with him right now."
"They seem rather.. ummm....I think dysfunctional is the right word."
"Yeah, that seems to be the best description."
There was a knock and the door opened, revealing Lee and a young red headed boy. Lee placed his coat on the coat hanger, and then went to hug his wife.
"Haku, my dear! Good evening! Is dinner ready yet? "
"It will be in just a second. How did little Gaara behave at the psychiatrist's office this time?" she asked with a sugary smile on her face that made Kankurou pretend to gag when he thought that she couldn't see him. Unfortunately, there was a mirror in front of her, and a needle soon darted towards him, scratching his arm as he dove to the side in an attempt to dodge it.
"Well, he didn't attempt to kill anyone this time." Lee answered with a small smile. Gaara glared at no one in particular. He just knew that they were all laughing at him on the inside, even the voice in his head said so. Just like how it had told him that his father was the one who had stolen his eyebrows, and that his mother was the one who had used eyeliner to make the marks around his eyes, which weren't washing off even though he had used almost every sort of soap imaginable. For years, he'd been refusing to sleep just so that she couldn't add any more of it to his face, yet the marks continued to grow darker and thicker, making him look like some kind of raccoon or panda.
"So then my little Gaara was a good boy!" Haku said, pinching his cheeks. In turn, he decided to focus his glare on her.
"I'm not little!" Gaara yelled. "I'm twelve years old, dammit! Stop calling me little!!!"
Haku grinned. "Then help your mother in the kitchen, that way you can prove you're not little anymore. That sound good, little Gaara?" Gaara glared in response, but followed her into the kitchen nonetheless. Kankurou soon followed, knowing that if he didn't, he would get chewed out later.
"Dad? Is Gaara going to be okay?" Temari asked Lee in a worried voice. Lee sighed.
"This psychiatrist had heard of him and didn't want to even enter the room. I had to drag him in, and then the guy simply sat there, staring at Gaara and fidgeting in his chair."
"I guess that all we can do for now is hope that he doesn't decide to murder us all in our sleep." Temari, with her part said, went to finish setting the table. As Lee was picking up the pieces of the shattered ornament, Haku walked back into the room, followed by Gaara and then by Kankurou, who was carrying a turkey so small that if it was a pizza, it would have been a personal pizza, compared to the large pie that a typical turkey would be.
"Dinner's ready, and what a thankful meal this is. Look, isn't it such a nice, humble turkey?" Haku beamed at the plate as Kankurou placed it on the table, and everyone took their seats.
"What's with the midget turkey?" Kakashi asked, turning to Jiraiya. "That would be enough for one or maybe even two people, but not five! Why didn't they buy something... more full-grown?"
"You should knowLee's salary better then anyone, Kakashi."
"Well, Gaara, as promised, I will not call you little anymore." Haku said. "From now on you are tiny Gaara."
"Not funny. Not funny at all." Was his muttered reply. His siblings sniggered.
"Now, now, let's all calm down and have a happy meal. After all, it is Christmas!" Lee exclaimed, a pleading look on his face. "Now, who would like to say grace?" To the shock of everyone in the room, Gaara slowly raised his hand. However, Haku immediately grabbed it and pulled it back down. "Why don't you say it this year?" She asked Lee.
"Well, I guess that first of all, I should thank my boss, Kakashi-sama." Upon hearing that, Kankurou began choking on the string-bean that he had grabbed when nobody was looking, and Temari was forced to hit his back as hard as she could, several times. Haku glared at her husband.
"Yes, let's thank him. I only wish he were here so that I could stab him with my— I mean give him a piece if my mind, hoping that he might choke on it."
"I feel so unloved now." Kakashi muttered, to no one in particular.
"But, Haku..." Lee pleaded. "It's Christmas."
"So?"
"The children...."
Upon hearing that, Temari leaned towards Gaara and Kankurou and whispered "Sure, we can be used as pincushions and mannequins for make-up practice, we can even be ninjas, but we can't hear someone talking about how they wish they could murder someone."
Haku sighed. "Fine. A toast to Kakashi. May he have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year."
With that said, everyone began to eat the small meal that had been prepared.
"Is that kid.... Gaara... is he okay?" Kakashi questioned.
"In less then one years time, I see am empty chair and a sad family waving good-bye as he is driven to the local insane asylum."
"Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?"
"What did you think when your sister got sent there?!"
"Well, even if it's sad, I don't see how I'm connected to any of this. It's not like this is my family or anything."
"Then let's visit the relative that you do have."
"You mean we're going to the asylum to visit my sister?!"
"No, you fool!!! We're going to Naruto's house!" With that, there was a bright purple flash, and Kakashi opened his eyes to find himself in a well sized room, although it was slightly crowded due to the amount of people there at the moment. In the center of it all stood his nephew, Naruto.
"No, no, really!!!" Naruto shouted. "I'm telling you, it was this big!" He spread his arms out while everyone laughed. In the back, a rather drunk Kiba stood up.
"I believe you, Naruto! Once, I was walking home from a mission, and one of the giant hamsters you're talking about almost ran me down! Then, it stopped to apologize, and carried me home." Upon hearing his words, Hinata buried her face in her hands in embarrassment while Shino simply shook his head. He remembered being the one to carry Kiba home after the mission where he was knocked senseless by a rock that fell from a cliff side, not some giant hamster. Sure, on the way home they had been almost run over by someone riding, of all the possible things, a yak, but he had no clue as to where a giant hamster fit into the equation. However, he did know that he would never again let Kiba drink sake. Ever. His dignity as the dog loving ninja's comrade and friend was on the line. He sent a meaningful glance towards Sakura, who nodded and moved the sake bottle out of Kiba's most likely blurry line of vision.
While Hinata and Shino dealt with their embarrassment, Sakura had put up with her own thanks to Naruto's choice of topic, but in a prideful sort of way. After all, that part of his personality was endearing and lovable in its own way. However, a new subject would be nice...
"Naruto, how did your meeting with your uncle go today?" She asked. From the look on his face, it was definitely the perfect thing to say. Who wouldn't want to talk about their stingy, cold-hearted uncle that they loved even though the feeling wasn't mutual?
"The same as always." Naruto said with his trademark grin. "I got kicked out in less then five minutes, and then thrown into a snowbank." Several men in the room groaned and money shifted around. Apparently, there had been some betting on the amount of time that Naruto would be able to pester Kakashi before getting kicked out. Shikamaru, his prediction perfectly accurate, found himself with a lot of spending money on his hands.
Out of nowhere, the doorbell rang. While everyone else watched, Naruto opened the door to find a group of three people caroling at his doorstep. They seemed strangely familiar, although he couldn't quite figure out where he had seen them before....
"Sakon!" The redheaded one whispered. " Isn't that kid the ass that messed with us back when we were bringing Sasuke to Orochimaru-sama?"
"Yeah! I'd recognize those marks on his face anywhere!" Sakon replied.
"Quiet! If they recognize us, we won't be able to finish our part of Orochimaru-sama's plan!!!" Whispered the third member of the group, jabbing the other two with his elbow. He then looked up at Naruto, appearing to be similar to a ghost with his pale skin and almost equally white hair. "We are collecting money for needy, would you like to donate?"
Smiling, Naruto reached into to his wallet, and dropped several bills into Kimimaro's outstretched hand before going back into his house and closing the door. As soon as it was shut, Sakon and Tayuya sighed in relief.
"You know, this is one of those times that I hate being a sound-nin. I never would've thought that I would be going around to houses, singing songs and posing as a charity worker, all just so that Orochimaru-sama can raise enough money for his new plan." Tayuya complained. "Why doesn't he just steal the damn money?!"
"At least we don't have to dress up as Santa and his elf, like Jiroubu and Kidomaru are doing right now." Sakon said with a baneful laugh.
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Meanwhile, in Naruto and Sakura's house
"Hey, Naruto, what did you mean earlier when you said that I would get to meet a relative of your's tonight?" Sakura asked, puzzled. She already knew his uncle, and his only other living relation, his mother, was in the local insane asylum. It wasn't like she could escape from the place, right? Her thoughts were promptly answered by a the sound of a window breaking coming from the kitchen, followed by a loud thud.
"Anko, special jounin and mother of the host of this party, has arrived!" Yelled the dark haired woman.
"What they hell?! How'd my sister manage to get away from all of the guards?!?!" Kakashi asked Jiraiya, bewildered.
"Now do you regret not accepting Naruto's invitation?"
" Yes, but only because I'm curious about how Anko escaped.. After all, if I told someone about everything that's happened to me tonight, they would send me to the insane asylum, and I would need to know how to escape."
"Then why don't you simply just listen?" Jiraiya suggested.
"Mom!!!" Naruto shouted with glee. "You finally managed to get past the guards!"
"H-h-how did you---- man–manage— to esc—escape, Anko–san?" Hinata asked.
"Simple. As a former student of Orochimaru's I learned all about summoning snakes, and after I realized how weak the walls were, I simply summoned one to break through them."
"But why did you come in through the kitchen window? Wouldn't it have been much easier to simply knock at the door?" Sakura enquired.
"Well, yes, but my method of escaping wasn't exactly perfect. The guards kind of noticed that something was happening when the giant snake smashed through the walls, and now I have three ANBU squads after me. Using the door just wouldn't have been a very intelligent idea....."
"Time's up. We have to head back to your house now, or we'll be late." Jiraiya told Kakashi.
"Can't we just stay a little longer? I want to see what happens when the ANBU manage to find Anko."
"No! If we're late, I'll be facing the wrath of Tsunade and the next spirit." With that, there was a purple flash. The last thing Kakashi saw before being forced to close his eyes was the door being broken down while Anko jumped out a window and onto the head of a giant snake. After that, it all went black.
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Kakashi slowly opened his eyes, and found himself inside of his living room, no relatives, perverted spirits, or ANBU in sight. He let out a sigh of relief. Only one more spirit to go, and then it would all be over.
On the wall, the minute hand of the clock struck the number six....
Well, only one more chapter to go. After that, I have a few new fanfics that should be out soon, and I plan on updating 'Of Sunsets and Scarecrows' as soon as possible. Coming out soon shall be:::
1.A Naruto/Sakura fic. I got ideas for it from someone who can't stand this pairing, and who loves to argue with me over it. Hehehehehe... you know who you are, Katie-chan.
2.An angsty little one-shot focused on Hayate, who shall be forever missed. Damn you, Baki!
3. A fic based on the missions of The Random Ninjas, namely Genma, Hayate, Raidon, and Aoba.