Thank you for coming. I apologize for the long wait, I got very very busy these last few weeks. To the new readers, please remember that I post new chapters whenever I can, usually every 2-4 weeks. I promise to finish, but I might take a while. Thanks to you all for understanding. This chapter is one of the longer ones I've written in a while. Hope you like it.
...................................................
"Kenshin, you have to stop! You have to stop!"
In the haze of the days that passed, those words somehow managed to stay. It was Kaoru's voice, in the most plaintive he had heard them. He did not know what she saw – he did not know much of anything now – but there was something in her voice that truly concerned him.
He was again at the last of his supply of white pills. It seemed like just two long and very foggy days. That was too fast; even he knew that.
He allowed one more long foggy day to finish, as he took the last five little pills. Not all at once, of course. A little of Kaoru's panicked shouts to "Spit it out!" when he almost took in three, kept running in his brain. He took those five pills in regular intervals, and in so doing managed to stay in that place he now knew so well. Neither asleep nor awake. The absence of dreams, and the absence of reality. But Kaoru was not in that perfect state, and despite all the arguments and misunderstandings between them, he wanted to be where she was. It was only thoughts of her that made him actually want to leave that perfect state.
He promised to try, one more time, to stop. There was no easy way anymore to get money for a new bottle of little pills. No one will hire him. Kaoru will not help him. Even in the deepest of haze, he knew he had sworn not to kill, for any reason. Thus, by legal or illegal means, he had no way to get money quickly.
So, he tried again, with deep resolve now to succeed.
But this time, it was harder.
He knew he had do laundry, cook dinner, sweep the yard, clean house. He did those things for her............when was the last time he did them? A week, two weeks ago? What day was it today? What time was it? Why was the sun so bright? Was it past lunchtime already? Where was he again?
Oh, yes, Kamiya dojo. That was right. Now.........if he could only remember where he kept the washtub and soap.........He searched the whole complex and did not find his washtub. Maybe he was just too dizzy, he decided, and began to head back to his room.
Only, he could not find his room.
This room was too large, this other one was too small. This one had a kimono and other womanly things inside, so it must be a woman's............so a woman lived in this house.........whose house was it again?............Kaoru's? This was the Kamiya dojo, right?...........So where for goodness' sake was his bedroom?! It must be around here somewhere, but where?
He walked all around the house again, and all around the block. None of the other houses looked right, but the complex he should know best still did not look very familiar. He walked back to the porch, and tried in vain to know where he was.
He did not realize how long he had locked himself in. But the walk around the block had tired him out. So much, that soon he found himself.........feeling sleepy.............really sleepy.............
However, as he gave in, he saw the miles of bloody fields again, all around him. As he looked inside the house where he was, he saw a large open room. And in one wall, Kaoru, pinned to the wall with a bloody sword.
He shook himself awake, forcibly.
He had used the medicine too much, for too long. The sudden loss of it was wrecking havoc on his system. The original problem was returning, with a vengeance. His brain was waging war on itself. A part of him wanted to sleep like he used to, the sleep that was not sleep at all. Another wanted him to stay awake, and avoid all the nightmares that were sure to return.
Every so often he heard Yahiko's voice piercing the haze, but he did not understand what he was saying. However, he did understand what Kaoru said to Yahiko.
"Leave him alone."
WHAT?!
"I said leave him alone! If he wanted to come back to us, he can do that himself! I'm sick and tired of preparing food he won't eat. I'm sick and tired of wrapping him up at night, but he doesn't notice! I'm sick and tired of telling him to stop when he won't. So, if he wants to end this, he can end this himself without me. I've had enough."
He thought he heard her clogs stomp away and turn the corner.
His head tried to get rid of the memory as quickly as possible. He returned into that perfect state of suspended animation, and lost consciousness of the world around him.
When he returned to reality, he saw the stars twinkling in the dark sky, and he felt the sharp breeze chill his arm. And he saw Kaoru's anxious face just above him. She was already in a nightgown, and carried a candle in one hand.
"Kenshin! (achoo!)" Kaoru exclaimed, then sniffled. "It's midnight! What are you still doing out here?"
He did not know what to tell her. He could not just admit he got lost in her house. He did not not even know if this was her house or if he was somewhere else. And while he was thinking that, the overwhelming need to sleep already was making him close his eyes and nod off in front of her. Then he would see those fields of corpses and blood again around him, snap awake, wonder where he was again, wonder why Kaoru-dono was in front of him, feel sleepy again.........the cycle went on for over five times in the span of five minutes.
"Do you actually want to stay here for the night?" she asked. "It's too chilly!"
"No..........." doze off........snap...........disorientation......... "agree, too cold here........" eyes closing.........snap.........look around in confusion ........... "have to .......... Go to bed............." doze off........snap awake...... "can't........" doze off ........."have to.........."
He had had quite enough of this insane cycle! He started to falter on his promise to himself. He looked at her squarely. "Please, Kaoru-dono. Have mercy. Two gold pieces. I will give them back when I can."
She knew what he wanted. "No."
Doze.......snap......... "Please, Kaoru-dono." Doze........snap.
"Still, no."
He gave a deep sigh, and gave in to the need for sleep.
He just barely felt himself standing and walking, supported by someone. He felt gentle hands lower him down. He vaguely knew he was lying down on a soft futon. He thought he felt a blanket being draped over him, but he was not sure, as the vicious cycle had begun again. In longer intervals, but it had returned to continue.
He thought he had finally settled into slumber, when he found himself at the top of a hill, the camps behind him, and miles of dead bodies in front of him. It was midnight, and the evening breeze now blew around him. It had just rained a bit a while before, so they stench of death did not waft as much tonight.
He had done good work all that day. Much of the victory by the Isshinshishi that day was because of his efforts. Finally, the weariness of the work crept up on him. So much that he decided to spread out his army blanket on the grass, and just sleep there in the evening breeze.
Somebody kicked him awake an hour or two later. "How can you even sleep here?" a nervous young soldier, not much older than he, asked him with a grand flourish of his hand. "Don't you see that? Don't you smell that?"
The fiery golden eyes blazed as he glared at the soldier. "I'm tired!" he answered with irritation. "I had to kill all those people. It tires a person out, don't you see?"
The soldier shined a light at him, and assessed his thin form, red hair and prominent scar, as his eyes bulged and jaw dropped. "You are.........you are............the Hitokiri Battousai!" He then snapped the reins and took off at a gallop.
"Yeah, they call me that around here.........Hitokiri Battousai........." he chuckled. "I don't care. Not anymore. Even the best front man of the army gets tired, so will you please let me sleep?!"
He knew the sights and the smells, oh, how well he knew. He had many, many countless nights seeing those fields in his dreams. But tonight, he was too spent to even think about how his life had turned for the worse. He did not need philosophy, he needed sleep.
But he could not sleep.
Her voice kept ringing in his head. "Kenshin, you have to stop! You have to stop!" This was alternated by other haunting voices. You can't stop! You can't! You need them!
"STOP IT, ALL OF YOU!"
He shouted at all the voices, and suddenly he was alone in a vast darkness.
Then, just one voice.
--You promised to protect her!--
Well, if you mean Kaoru, then yes, Kenshin answered.
--This is a stupid way to do it, Shinta. By making her protect you from yourself.—
He sighed. Yes, I know.
-- Look for yourself, Shinta. See what has happened to her. You failed to protect her. --
The darkness cleared, and he was back in..........maybe it was his bedroom. In any case, he awoke with a futon under him.
But just a few meters from where he was, he found her. She was deathly pale, and deathly still. That was enough to send shivers down his spine. He shook his head, and made sure of what he saw. But the image of the young lady did not change. She lay before him, deathly still.
Impossible. Not again. Impossible!
But she was not wounded anywhere, so how could it be?
It was then that he saw the bottle. Much like his, clear, small, and full of little white pills. SHE would not make the same mistake, yes? Maybe she took his medicine by mistake, and took too much...........no...........no!
Where her life was at stake, nothing else mattered. His mind grew clear and sharp. All functions were at full power. He suddenly knew the house like he had never known it before. Every nook and cranny, every box and container. He ran to Kaoru's room, swung thirty degrees west toward her dresser, and found the medicine chest two feet from where the dresser was.
He scrambled and searched for an antidote, any medicine he knew would stop the effects of the pills. He turned the contents of their medicine chest upside down and inside out. Nothing was made to counter the pills.
It was then that he realized with horror. There was no antidote. If she died from the medicine, there would be nothing he could do.
And consequently ---- if he took too many of those pills again, there would be nothing Kaoru could do.
It stopped him cold.
One more mistake, and he could be dead. No one could stop it.
He did not want to die, and leave her alone to face the world. It was true she was a strong young woman. Still, she was vulnerable to attack. He wanted to be the one to protect her. To be the one to fight when she can no longer fight. To defend her when she could no longer defend herself.
She will never be truly yours! The voices rang again. What is the point? She will never be truly yours!
Even so, even so! He shouted back to the voices in his head. Even if she will not have me, I want to protect her!
That is pointless!
Pointless, probably. But she is my reason for living. I want to keep living for her. I know it does not make sense, but since when did ..........did............love.............make sense?
It no longer mattered if she loved him or not. He loved her. In that, he was sure.
He felt a sigh come from her, and he heaved in relief. She was just asleep. She was not dead. She was still around for him.........
He moved in closer, until his face was over hers. Now he was sure she was breathing normally, and just sleeping. He stroked the hair over her forehead as she slept. He wanted to feel this, always. He wanted to stay with her, no matter what he had to do. He wanted to keep protecting her. He admitted that he wanted to be protected by her as well.
He drew closer to the sleeping young woman, slowly, silently, gently. He clenched his fist, to keep his hand from shaking violently. He closed his eyes, drew himself, and his lips, ever closer, closer, closer, to her cheek...........then stopped.
No. Not like this. Not this way.
He did not want to steal a kiss from her. He wanted to receive it from her. He wanted to be worthy of that kiss.
It was just at that moment that her eyes met his.
She gave out a high scream, which he quickly muffled with a strong hand. He let her scream into his hand for a few minutes, until she calmed down. Then he lifted the hand.
As she shouted into his ear.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
He did not understand.
"GET OFF ME!"
He gaped at her, then realized that he was fully on top of her, with sweaty forehead and askew nightgown. Probably with bloodshot eyes, too. No wonder she drove a knee into his abdomen and flung him to the floor, at the next instant.
"Try that one more time, and I just might kill you!" she declared, as she breathed heavily.
"It is...........it is not what it looks like............Kaoru-dono..........." he defended, gripping his stomach hard.
"Then what is it?!"
"I............I...............thought..............."
"WHAT?!"
He silently presented the bottle he saw beside her.
"You HAVE flipped your lid. It's aspirin, don't you see? For a cold! Not that THING you keep taking!"
"Cold? You have a cold? Since when?" he asked.
She sneezed. "The other day. I kept worrying if you were warm enough since it was so chilly. You were shivering under that thin blanket you have right now, so I went looking for a thicker one........."
"Huh?"
She shook her head and smiled ruefully. "You never knew. You never noticed." She chuckled, as two tears trickled down one cheek. "Why did I think you would know? You wouldn't know how many nights I tossed and turned, worrying about you, and how miserable you've made me and Yahiko........." She stopped as her face grew red at the cheeks, then continued, "This is not a bad dream, right? You are really, really, talking to me? You are asking about me?" She sneezed again.
"Of course I am asking about you, Kaoru-dono! I was concerned. I thought you took them by mistake! I thought......I thought......those pills........"
"Yes?"
"That you were drugged."
Drugged. Yes, that he was.
The word still rung in his head. Drugged. Coming from his mouth, it sounded terrible, condemning. Yet, he had done it to himself with those pills. He had drugged himself. Drugged himself, like any other addict. He did not expect to be addicted to the pills, but he ............ but he was. He looked away and lowered his head and covered his face.
She drew him closer, wrapped her arms around him, and leaned her head on his shoulder.
"Idiot. Countless times I've told you. You don't have to fight your demons alone. Let me help you."
He just let her wrap herself around him, silently, understandingly. He did not deserve it, he never did. But, still, he accepted it.
"I thought you wanted to leave me alone. You said so."
"You actually heard that?............ Sorry. It was a tough day today. I still had to go to work, and this cold bothered me so much. I've had enough worrying about you for one day."
"You do not have to, Kaoru-dono."
"I will not have my silly wanderer die in my premises, do you hear?! That's why I do it!"
"Hai, de gozaru."
She suddenly backed away, much embarrassed. "I.........I.........did not mean to hug you for so long...........don't you go thinking weird thoughts...........I did not know what else to do.............."
He stopped her. "Why do you do this, Kaoru-dono?"
"I don't really know," she whispered "But I won't have it any other way."
"Why?"
"I...........I............like you...........I guess."
"That cannot be."
"And why not, Kenshin?"
"It just cannot be."
She made him face her. "Yes, it can."
The words rang again, louder, and louder. She will never be truly yours! Never! She will never be yours! Stop kidding yourself! She will never be yours!
The voices grew louder until they were deafening, in his head. He started to cry out in the midst of the noise. "Help me. Help me. HELP ME!"
He felt the warm hands and reassuring breath surround him again, in the middle of the deafening voices. "I'll try. I'll try."
...............................
Thank you so much for waiting, and I apologize if this chapter is a bit confusing. For a few weeks I've been looking for a set of words in the middle parts to finish this, but because I got busy the words I want didn't get formed. Thank you again for all the words of support for our favorite redhead. I do apologize, but I have a very good knack for punishing the poor fellow. I'm very happy he's back on cable TV, in Japanese too. Please expect the next chapter late in October, and not any time sooner. I'll be having finals, and I HAVE to do good.
PraiseDivineMercy – Yeah, it does help that I'm a med student. I have access to useful pharmacology and psychiatry books. And you have to have my kind of crazy fast-paced life to write such hi-angst material, just to de-stress! No lock-up, don't worry. Chiki – You actually want me to keep writing serious stuff? Thanks, I guess! Hello to your cousin as well. I hope you're not having trouble translating for her. Hikari Kitten – And there are people like me who don't take drugs per se, but writing and watching anime work just as well. Thanks for reading. Junyortrakr – Ah, you think like me! Did you know there's a line in a song we sing a lot in church: "Tell the poor wanderer a Savior has died."? I always remember poor Ken-san when we get to that part. Misenagi – Sorry I didn't include you in the thank yous last chapter. Yeah, Kaoru is literally the girl of his dreams. Thank you for reading! Kenjutsu Princess – Thanks a lot for reading. JML – Last Samurai? Where? Your detox is coming, don't worry. Brittanie Love – Thanks much. See you again! Samuraiduck27 – Thanks for reading! Ryuujin Dragon King – Thanks much. Hope you come back! Maeko-Nohara – Hey, you're back! Sorry if you think it's an extremely scary plot. Thanks for reading! JesusWolf – Thank you so much. Hope you come back!