Okay...well, this may not make a ton of sense to most people.
The concept of Sauron being into poo jokes and going "Haha...haha" when he laughs about poo comes from Gollumrox and Frotu, both of whom are writers you should go look up. The idea for this popped into my mind a while before Christmas, but I didn't get a chance to actually write it until after the holiday.
This has some continuity and jokes from my ongoing parody of LotR, which will hopefully be apparent to some of my readers.
Erm...well, I don't own anything, except a few obviously made-up names.
Sauron's Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all 'cross the land
Everywhere was silent
From the trees to the sand.
The Valar were resting,
The Maiar asleep.
There was peace all around
'Cept down in one keep.
Mordor's lord was unhappy—
Not that this was new—
But more so than usual
And his anger just grew.
Sauron hated this evening
And the morning to come.
He thought the creatures of Light
Had much too much fun.
Every chance that they got
They would party away,
Singing and laughing
All through the bright day.
But what could this blackguard
Do to prevent it?
Christmas cheer was quite sturdy—
How could he dent it?
Up above, Santa flew,
Drawn on by his deer.
He shook his head sadly—
Only naughty things here!
He flew on and left there,
Off over the snow
The sound of his sleigh bells
Reaching Sauron below.
Inspiration struck Sauron
As Santa moved past.
He knew how to hurt them!
A good plan at last!
He'd build his equipment,
Then, oh what he'd do!
He'd fly to their houses
And give them all poo!
He needed to hurry
To set up his sleigh
But once he had reindeer,
Why then they'd all pay!
He cobbled together
A sleigh that was thrifty.
It was extremely mismatched
But it was still nifty.
But what creatures would pull it?
He had no reindeer.
Then he thought to himself,
"There's flyers right here!"
The nine screeching Nazgul,
Those masters of fright—
Each one missed his steed
On that cold winter night.
Sauron lined up the beasts
And harnessed them all.
He climbed in his sleigh
And started his call:
"On Thomas and Studemeyer,
On Frankie and Ted!
On Stinky and Sammi,
And even you, Fred!
"Go Dashell, you moron,
Pull with your weight!
And Johnny, the leader,
Be mighty, be great!"
Powerfully, mightily,
Straining, they rose
Up higher and higher,
Where Thorondor goes.
Sauron flew over mountains,
Over to Gondor.
Oh, if they only knew
What he had in store!
Faramir, first on the list,
Was peacefully dreaming.
Sauron slipped through his room,
Kept with his scheming.
Little did Faramir know
Of Sauron's great guile.
Nor did he, snoring, yet know
Of that small, smelly pile.
The father and brother
Were next on the list.
Sauron left each a bundle
And a fine, stinking mist.
In each soldier's bedroom
More "gifts" were placed.
Then, done with his evil,
The Eye left with haste.
Once more the sleigh was dragged up
Into the dark skies.
Sauron wondered to himself
Where else to leave "pies."
He settled on Rohan
And flew there with glee.
After tonight they'd respect
One clever as he!
They clattered down loudly
On Meduseld's roof.
Johnny's claw clicked on shingles
Instead of Rudolph's light hoof.
Sauron slipped down the chimney
And went right to work.
He left lots of messes
And was really a jerk.
All Eowyn, Eomer,
Theoden and son,
Even Forky fell victim
To Sauron's mean fun.
Done leaving unwelcome things,
Sauron hastened to leave.
He had a long way to go
On this one Christmas Eve.
All across Middle-Earth,
All through the nights,
The pace was kept up
'Till the first morning light.
At last, in the morning,
Weary and sore,
They all headed back home,
Too tired for more.
Satisfied, Sauron sat back
And thought to himself,
How none had escaped him,
Not even one Elf.
Before reaching Mordor,
He wanted to sing.
To belt out a verse
And show he was king.
In the air above Gondor,
He gave it a go:
"Merry Christmas from Mordor!
Ho ho…ho ho!"
Back in his citadel,
Sauron waited, so smug
For when they'd all wake up and smell it,
And then all cry, "UG!"
Light crept over the mountains
From Arien's fire,
Waking the tall and the small
From Rohan to Shire.
The hobbits were nonplussed
By Sauron's brown curse.
They were annoyed, but let's face it—
They'd all stepped in worse.
The Elves were offended
But too joyous to care.
They had too much to do
To mind it was there.
The ents never noticed,
Or at least did not care.
Such refuse was normal
In a forest lair.
Aragorn got some poo in his hair,
But no one could tell.
He was always so filthy
There was no change in smell.
Regardless of origin
Everyone everywhere
Found poo in their bedroom
But just did not care.
Sauron's dismay was quite great
When they still had joy.
Such work he had gone to
To form that great ploy!
"Everyone, naughty or nice,
The tall and the small,
Each got poo in their houses,
I got to them all!
"Why are they not crying?
How can this be?"
Sauron frothed to himself
For he could not see.
The Elves, Men, and Hobbits
Knew a thing he did not:
Christmas meant very much more
Than the poo they had got.
If Sauron weren't Sauron,
He'd have learned from all this.
But this lesson, lost on him,
Was simply dismissed.
He was no reformed Scrooge,
And his heart did not grow.
His intentions stayed icy
As the white winter snow.
He did not lighten up
Or join in a feast,
And he certainly never
Carved the roast beast!
So, as all the world 'round him
Celebrated the more,
Sauron just pined for his Ring
And readied for war.