I make no excuses for the amount of time it has taken me to update. I just lost my will to update this story. One single reviewer helped with that.

To that littlebluebanana.

If you hate Harry/Draco that much, or are bored with it, why did you read up to chapter 10 of my story? I scattered warnings in every chapter. Oh I don't know.

Anyway, try to bare with any grammatical errors and if you spot them, point it out so I can rectify it as soon as possible.

To the reviewers who have continued to read this story. I hope you have not given up on me. This story will be completed. I promise. And please review. I may have been in a slump, but it has changed. I WILL update quicker.

Okay, enjoy

I do not own Harry Potter. Finishing a book is much too hard for me, unfortunately..

DARKNESS OR LIGHT. WHAT IS YOUR CHOICE?

Chapter 25 - Ponderings And Anxiety

Ron's Diary. December 27th

10am

This is my first time in writing a diary. Since second year, I have been very wary of them. Ginny especially has avoided them, but since this is a plain Muggle one, I thought I would give it a go.

I mainly started writing this because Pansy told me it would help vent my frustrations and worries without causing any damage! She has seen my temper in recent years and she knows what I am like when I get angry.

I am desperately worried about Harry!

Draco will not wake up. Snuffles found him yesterday in Hogsmeade, lying outside the Shrieking Shack. He was awake at the time, but was unconscious when he was brought here. I was woken up by Professor McGonagall late last night and I rushed down to the Infirmary in my pyjamas. Draco was in a bed, asleep. He looked like hell. Hermione was awake and sitting up, staring at him. She looked terrified and was holding the sheets tightly in both hands and it was covering her mouth. For some reason, Snape was still there, sitting with her. Madam Pomfrey told me that he had administered a relaxation potion to Draco, then had gone back to watching over Hermione. He was asleep by the bed.

I went to see him again this morning and he was in the exact same position as yesterday. Unmoved. Hermione was awake, reading. I tried to talk to her but she ignored me. She still looked very worried. I got shooed out by Madam Pomfrey with instructions on not to disturb the patients.

I was gratified to notice that Snape was no longer hanging around. I wonder what is going on in his head. He hates us, but for some reason, he really tried to comfort Hermione last night.

As to my feelings on Hermione at the moment, I don't know what to think any more! This whole situation has just confused me. I was very angry with her for what she had done to Draco, but it seems that she didn't mean to do it and was under control. The question is how would she have dealt with the situation if she hadn't been taking those tablets? Would she have still flown off the handle and tried to hurt Draco? Would she have just been angry and yelled at all of us for what we had done? Yes, me too, for it was me who pushed Draco towards Harry in the first place and made him accept his feelings. Or would she have calmly accepted the situation, been a little upset but still talked it through until she was satisfied? I guess I will never know.

As to Harry, I need to know where he is, but we all have to wait until Draco is awake and coherent enough to tell us what happened.

Wow, Pansy was right. Writing your thoughts down really does help. It empties your head of the thoughts that go whirling around and around, confusing you more and more.

Well, that's enough for today. Time for me to get a late breakfast.

Ron's Diary. December 28th

4.22pm

Draco woke up!

When I went into the Infirmary this morning to check up on him, he was sitting awake, staring at the wall. This would have been excellent, apart from the fact that when I spoke to him, he didn't acknowledge me at all. Madam Pomfrey walked into the room at that moment and told me that Draco had been awake for a few hours now and hadn't moved or spoken at all during that time. It seemed as well that Hermione had gone back to her dorm room that same morning. She had stated that she was okay and wanted to go back to her room. She was the one who informed everyone that Draco was awake.

Dumbledore had been told about Draco's comatose state but it seemed that there was nothing that he could do. Just after lunch, he and Snape came into the Infirmary and administered him some Veritaserum. Nothing happened at all. He just continued to stare at the wall, not speaking.

This confused me slightly, as I thought that Veritaserum made you want to tell the truth. Dumbledore stated that Draco may have been awake, but he was not actually aware of his surroundings. As such, did not hear and acknowledge the questions asked. I suppose this makes sense.

Draco has been like that all day. I went to the Infirmary twice more after that. Once with Pansy and once by myself. Pansy took him flowers. Pink Carnations I think. She placed them into a vase by his bed, and then she sat down net to him, took his hand and proceeded to tell him about her day. She is really worried about him but she continues to smile and doesn't fret. She keeps telling me that to sit and worry wastes energy and time and also speeds up the appearance of wrinkles and grey hairs. This made me thoroughly examine my hair when I got back to the dorm room.

When I went alone to see him, just a few minutes ago, I just sat with him in silence, staring out of the window while he stared at the wall.

No one else, apart from the teachers, Pansy, Hermione and I, know that Harry is missing. I am trying not to worry. Really really trying but it is very hard. I fear the worst but I refuse to voice my feelings. Everyone else is in the same boat as me and they are all repressing themselves. I'm not sure if Draco is also repressing his feelings as well or not. I just wish he would speak, tell us what happened!

Ron's Diary. 29th December

11.05am

He has woken up. About fifteen minutes ago, he woke up. What was strange though, was that he woke up to Hermione!

Just after breakfast, in which Pansy and I were still sitting at the Gryffindor table, Hermione made her way over to us and asked if it would be okay to visit Draco. She also asked if we would go with her. Pansy was a bit dubious, as she still hasn't quite forgiven Hermione for what she did to Draco. Even so, we both agreed and we went to the Infirmary. Draco was still half-lying on his bed, unmoving and staring at nothing. Hermione sat down on the chair next to the head of the bed and Pansy and I perched on he end. After sitting quietly for a few minutes, Hermione leaned over the bed, grasped Draco's shoulders and began to shake him while yelling for him to wake up. Obscenities were screamed at the same time and she got in one good, well aimed slap to the face before Pansy pulled her away.

While the three of us were sitting on the floor, Draco must have roused himself because he got up from his bed and walked over to us. Then, to my total shock, he fell to his knees in front of us and placed his arms around Hermione's shoulders and buried his face in her neck. Hermione hugged him back. Draco ended up falling asleep again, right there on the floor of the infirmary but Madam Pomfrey told us that this time it was a natural sleep and Draco would wake up normally this time.

Maybe then he could tell us what happened to Harry.

End Ron's Diary.

~~~~

Pansy sat on the hard wooden chair next to Draco's bed. Her hands were linked together and her two index fingers tapped together incessantly. She was worried. Really worried. Harry had been missing now for over three days and it seemed to her that no one was doing a damn thing about it. On top of that, Draco was still asleep and no one knew when he would wake up or if he would be his old self if he did. She was also worried about Ron. She had noticed that he was having great difficulty holding in his temper. That was one of the reasons she had given him the diary. It would help him vent in a non-destructive manner.

"Oh Draco," she sighed. "What happened? Where is Harry? Why won't you wake up?"

"I am awake." A very groggy voice replied. "I'm just not in a very sociable mood now and I don't think I ever will be."

"Draco?" Pansy leaped off her chair so fast that it toppled over. "Thank God you're awake."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why should you thank God? What has he done to deserve your thanks?"

"What are you talking about Draco?" The happiness that Pansy had felt when Draco had responded to her began to fade slightly. His voice sounded flat.

"What am I talking about?" Draco sat up, throwing the covers off of him. Pansy noticed while she was backing away, that his voice had now risen in volume and in tone. "I'll tell you what I'm talking about. Where was God when my father practically brainwashed Granger? Where was God when Harry and I were kidnapped right under Dumbledore's nose?" At this point, Draco had gotten off the bed and was storming towards her. "Where was God when Voldemort killed Harry right in front of me, making me watch the one I cared about break to pieces while there was nothing I could do?"

"He.... He.... He's dead?" Pansy felt her legs shake then suddenly watched the floor rise closer to her face as they collapsed under her. Draco was now towering over her, as he was still standing. He had stopped shouting but now stood with his head bowed and his hair covering his eyes. Pansy stared at him, her senses swimming.

"There was nothing I could do..." Draco whispered. "Nothing I could do, nothing. Nothing I could do."

"Draco?" Pansy felt tears welling in her eyes. "Draco...."

"THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO!" Draco screamed out. He lifted his head and Pansy saw the tears streaming down his face. "DONT YOU UNDERSTAND? HARRY WAS THERE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND ALL I COULD DO WAS WATCH. I WATCHED HIM DIE PANSY AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO!"

Draco then turned and ran out of the infirmary. Pansy listened as the sound of his footsteps receded in the distance, then she covered her face and began to sob.

~~~~

It had begun to rain. Not the heavy downpour that usually accompanied the wintry months of December but more of a hazy rain, a fine mist that slowly dampened everything it touched.

It was outside in this rain that Sirius Black sat, upon an old tree stump very close to the Forbidden forest. His hands were in his lap and his head was bent, low enough that his long damp fringe covered his eyes. To an observer, he probably looked calm and collected, lost in his own thoughts but inside he was in turmoil.

Harry was dead.

So said the younger Malfoy.

If those words had been uttered by any other person at any other time, Sirius might have laughed at the ludicrous statement and walked away, not before cursing them for even uttering words like that. But they had not come from someone else and Malfoy, who now seemed to be half-crazy, had told them everything that had happened. He was believed because he was under the influence of Veritaserum.

The infirmary had fell silent when Malfoy had uttered those words. He remembered his own reaction very clearly. He had stared around at the sea of faces, checking their reaction and making sure they didn't actually believe such crap. His eyes first fell on Ron. The Weasley boy had been a good friend with Harry through all of his years in Hogwarts, apart from that little problem in fourth year. Ron's face had drained of colour and he had begun to breathe sharply. As he watched, the girl standing behind him, Parkinson, reached out and wrapped her arms around him from behind, pressing her face into his back. Her shoulders were shaking and he assumed she was crying quietly.

His eyes then turned to Hermione. She was sitting on a small sofa beside Draco's bed, staring at the floor and he noticed that every few seconds a bead of liquid would fall from her face and land on the floor. Severus was sitting next to her, one of her hands encased tightly in his. At any other time, that small piece of affection would have been questioning, but at the moment, it was the only piece of comfort she was receiving. His face was expressionless but his eyes looked saddened.

Sirius had then turned his attention to the Deputy Headmistress and Headmaster. McGonagall had a hand covering her mouth and he could see tears begin to pool in her eyes. Dumbledore's face was cold and his eyes flashed. He didn't seem saddened, but angry. Pomfrey, who stood beside Malfoy's bed, also didn't look sad, but instead of angry, looked terrified.

Sirius raised his head and let the hazy rain dampen his face. He remembered after finally taking in that his Godson, the only link he had left to his best friend was gone, he had lost his temper and things in that Infirmary had begun to relocate themselves. Mainly from hand to wall!

After he had composed himself, he had come outside and sat down. He had no idea how long he had been sitting outside in the rain but at that time he didn't care.

"You stupid mutt. Are you trying to make yourself ill?"

Sirius groaned but decided not to rise to the bait lowered by the Potions Professor and old school enemy.

"What do you care Severus. Go back inside. I'm sure you have more important things to do."

"Of course I have but I thought I'd tell you that by sitting here, you are visible to most of the windows in Hogwarts that look in this direction."

"Do you think that I actually care?"

"Well, not at this precise second, but you will when the Ministry surrounds you."

Sirius sighed, then lifted his head and stared at Severus. He was in his customary black robes, with his lank hair curling around his face but his face didn't hold his usual sneer. He looked tired, saddened, even though his words were light.

"Actually, I don't."

"Well you should." Severus' words became harsh. "At least enough to stop the madman who has ruined practically everyone's lives. Here you are, sitting here and moping about how you no longer have anything. Look at Draco. In a single night, he has rejected his family lifestyle, his father and has watched as someone he cared about was killed right in front of him. I bet you were partially blaming him for what happened, weren't you?"

Sirius had the grace to look guilty. He had been thinking that when he stormed outside earlier.

Severus continued. "You walked out on us Sirius, just as the Veritaserum wore of. Draco has been sitting on his bed, rocking himself, and muttering the same thing over and over again. There was nothing he could do. Miss Parkinson told me that he has been saying this since he woke up. He's blaming himself for what happened, but can't get out of his downward spiral."

"So what can I do about it?" Sirius stared at Severus suspiciously. "It's not like whatever I will say can help him."

"You are the closest person Harry had to a relative. You may be able to pull Draco out of it."

Sirius growled, deep in his throat, then stood up. "All right, fine. I'll see what I can do, but I'm not promising anything."

Some of the sadness dropped from Severus' face and he followed Sirius up the path towards the castle.

"You do know that I don't really blame Malfoy, I mean Draco for this." Sirius commented. "I saw how much he cared for Harry. He was damn well obsessed if you ask me."

"How long have you known that they were in a relationship?"

"Well, the day I arrived here to see Harry, he kind of sprung it on me."

"I take it that it was after Hermione cast her little spell on Draco?" Snape didn't stop walking. "I knew that they were close just slightly before, although they never told me anything, so I didn't know how close they were. The way they acted together made me slightly suspicious though."

"Understandably."

The two old school rivals made their way up the steps and entered the school in silence.

~~~~

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Love Rie

xx