[Disclaimer: The Sues are from "A Gem that was Lost" and "Returning Star" by ElvenPrincessSapphire. We disown them! Grr. Also, Tolkien's wonderful world of Middle-Earth does not belong to us, and of course, the original PPC belongs to Jay and Accacia. All hail the last three names! 'Specially our great Tolkien.]
PPC: Department for Elf Protection (DEP)
By Megan and ElanorIn a library, somewhere in England, two girls sat. One, the oldest, by about five months, was "comfortably" built (meaning over weight) with dirty blonde hair down to her waist. The other was eighteen, medium height, and slim with shoulder length dark hair, with blonde streaks.
"Oh gods." Elanor, the older one, said, rolling her eyes.
"What?" Asked Megan, her eyes not moving from the computer screen.
"A whole, entire, packed full page of Sues. Look." The short girl pointed a stubby finger at the computer, displaying a Lord of the Rings fan fiction page.
"A page?" Megan repeated, although she did not look.
"I swear it. A page." Dramatically she threw her hands in the air and gestured at the screen. "What have we done to deserve this? What have the bloo- silly elves done to deserve this? They need protection of some kind, or something." Elanor sighed. "I give up. I truly do. Oh, did that sound camp? I hope it did. It's so hard to be a girl and be camp." Megan, who had got used to Elanor's random talking, turned her attention back to the fiction she was reading. "I'm going job hunting."
"That's good."
And so it began.
.- - - - -
A week later found Megan marching down a corridor in the Department for Elf Protection, PPC headquarters, dragging a large box, carrying twenty or so posters scrolled under each arm. As she walked she counted the doors that she went past.
"Sixty seven, sixty eight, this one . . .?" Listening outside the door for a few seconds helped Megan to decide that it was not that particular door. Elanor tended not to shout out: "Periods! What is it with these gods damned authors, if they can be called that, and no periods!" Holding posters tighter she knocked on the next door with her forehead. There was a loud crash.
"Shi-sugar."
Megan smiled. That was Elanor. "Elanor? Open the door! I don't have enough hands."
There was a few seconds silence, a couple of muffled curses, and then Elanor opened the door. When she saw Megan she sighed. "Got 'nuff posters?"
Megan elbowed Elanor out of the way so she could see what Elanor had done to their office. It was a small one, which was not surprising at the rate the DEP had been expanding. Elanor hadn't done much; put up a few shelves, stuck up her selection of posters and printed pictures, and set up a few candles. And a mattress with bedding in the corner.
"A bed?"
Elanor shrugged. "So?"
"Are those shelves safe?"
"I'm insulted. Y'know I passed DT with an A."
"So. Don't mean you can put up shelves."
"Yes they are. And I left enough space for your books."
"Good." Megan dumped her things in the small space in the centre of the room.
"Hmm. . . I think you're going to have to cut down on posters. Let me see now . . ."
Megan began to sort her belongings in to piles. "Had time to explore?"
"Yup. We're 'bout the only English people here. Which means we're going to have to learn American. Did you know period meant full stop?"
"Does it?"
"I dunno. I guessed from what I heard."
"I still can't believe that you managed to get us a job here." Megan started to unroll her collection of posters and stick them up.
"It's called knowing where to look." Elanor muttered as she lit a stick of incense. "Nothing to do with begging to be offered a job, honest." She said even quieter.
"Oh dam-" Megan tripped over something. "You brought your bow?" She asked on discovering what it was that had tripped her.
"They have a shooting range. Anyway, you know the rules," Elanor waved to a list of them on the wall. "I thought it might come in handy."
"Bingeley-bingeley beep!"
Megan jumped at the sudden noise, dropping the Legolas poster that she had been sticking up. Elanor, who had read of the Discworld, and was quicker on the uptake, paled. "Oh gods . . ."
"This is your Sue alerter, preset at "friendly imp." Welcome to PPC's Department for Elf Protection! We hope you will enjoy working for us, insert names here. Please dress in the uniforms laid out for you and prepare for your first job."
Elanor threw Megan a set on clothes that she had laid on a shelf. "Here."
Megan held green trousers and top against herself. There was an Alfirin flower embroidered on the left sleeve.
"Ooh, pretty flower, and its green, yayness!" Megan squealed. "Is there anywhere to change?"
Elanor blushed. "Uh . . . That would be a negative. I'll turn around, shall I?"
"Yeah go on then, what's this story like that we're working on"
Elanor turned to check the computer whilst Megan got changed. "Duh-duh-duh-duh. Um . . . "A Gem that Was Lost." Oh gods. It already sounds bad."
"Where? Let me see." Megan had finished getting changed and turned to the computer,
"Ouch. Has this author never heard of spell check? Its not that hard to use."
Megan glared. "I've only been looking at it for a couple of seconds and I've already got a headache. She needs to double-space!"
"Ready?"
"Uh-huh, shall we be elves?"
Elanor nodded in agreement. "To Middle-Earth!" She cried. There was a flurry of activity as they grabbed the tools of the trade (chocolate, weapons, and sleeping bags) and climbed through the portal, before a last cry of:
"Damnit! I left the incense burning!" Was heard, and the portal closed.
- - - - -
Megan and Elanor landed painfully in a large tree in Mirkwood. They had little time to recover before a booming voice started to sound through the air.
"Welcome to "A Gem That Was lost" It's a stupid . . ."
"Turn the bl-damn sound down, for Kurt's sake!" Elanor screamed back.
"Hush." Megan said, nudging her. "Not seen by anyone, 'member?"
"No canon characters in southern Mirkwood."
"Yes, but doesn't the Sue live in here? She could see us."
"That's the point. We'll join her and Legolas, say we were sent from Thranduil to go with them or something, as extra protection."
"Doesn't it say that Legolas will be with Thranduil?"
"Yah, but then there's naught more 'bout him, so I guess he dies along the way, or somat."
"Fair enough. Honestly, what is the point of mentioning someone only to have them vanish in the next sentence?"
"I don't know, Megan, but I doubt we will ever understand Mary Sue writers."
"Oh! The Author has finally finished her conversation with "Leggy"!"
"Finally being the truest word in the sentence."
"At a guess, I would say that that large palace up ahead, which should really be an evil looking tower considering we are in southern Mirkwood, is the home of our lovely Sue. What's her name again?"
"Spphire Forester, apparently. I would guess she means Sapphire, and thus "A Gem that Was Lost." How original. And elven."
The two Elf-protectors made their way to the palace, which was so badly described it was shimmering in mid-air, almost as if it didn't want to exist. Which was actually quite likely. Not only do sue-ified characters try to rebel, Middle-Earth does too.
"So, according to the words, Spphire should be writing an extremely sap filled diary entry right now about how she was captured by orcs but somehow managed to survive living with them. Despite the fact that that would have killed rather quickly. Funny that."
Elanor started to jump to look in windows. Luckily (although possibly due to the lack of imagination employed in the fanfiction) there was only one story of the building. "Here we are." She said, stopping. "One Elven-Sue with . . . Blue streaks? Blue? Sodding? Streaks?" Elanor ground her teeth together. "Can we kill her now? Think of all the trouble it'll save."
"Much as I would love to agree, I think we need a few more charges than having blue streaks. Although, she also has blue black eyes, apparently."
"Dark blue black eyes. Maybe an orc punched her in the face. Go it."
"Well, pretty soon she should finish writing about how her father was trying to marry her off, despite the fact that elves don't have arranged marriages. And I never heard of an elf called James, either. It must be a special brand of elf names to go with Spphire. And do elves actually have pants? I could have sworn it was breeches."
"Yup. What happens now? I think this is in the future. Which could mean . . ."
There was a loud pop as the world around them changed to several years previous.
"Ow. Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow." Elanor complained. "Remind me next time we have a time-changing Sue to bring some aspirin."
"Will do. So how long are we in this time period for?"
Elanor didn't even have time to answer before a second pop was heard and they were transferred back to where they had started.
"Was there actually any point to that time change because nothing happened as far as I could see."
"I don't think that was the time change it was just a change of tense-" Elanor and Megan had time to look at each other before they were transferred into the time of the War of the Ring. Painfully.
"Right." Growled Elanor. "That goes on the charge list. In big, bold, caps."
"Agreed. How long till she leaves to meet Legolas and Thranduil?"
"She goes tomorrow, which means we have about twelve hours of time to kill in an un-canonical Mirkwood. Any suggestions?"
"Well, we could laugh at her sister's hair. I have no idea what the author meant by green streals. Or we can play LOTR's top trumps. I have some cards with me."
The next few hours contained several fights when Elanor won Legolas from Megan, and several loud squeals when Elanor won Elrond. Finally however they decided that if they were going to be able to keep up with elvish riding the next day they would need to get some sleep, and so they unrolled their sleeping bags and went to bed. In the lovely peaceful area of southern Mirkwood.
"I hope that the spiders don't realise that they're not included here." Elanor muttered sleepily.
"What?" Asked Megan loudly, sitting up.
"I mean, what if no one's told them?" Elanor said, turning over and falling asleep.
"Elanor? Elanor! Don't go to sleep! I think there's something in the bushes. . . Oh gods. . ."
- - - - -
The next day Elanor woke to some confusion. The sight of a very awake Megan clutching a sword and staring suspiciously in every direction wasn't exactly what she had been expecting. Not to mention that sometime in the night there had been yet another time skip, and it was now the evening of the following day.
"Megan? You 'kay?"
"No I'm not, you know I'm scared of spiders. I kept thinking that one was going to attack me in the middle of the night."
"Oh yes, sorry about that. Shall we get going then? I can hear what can only be described as a Mary Sue-ish voice talking to a horse over in the stables. We should follow her."
"Wha-? We can't follow someone on a horse!"
"Hang on, I know this. We have to look for, eh, plot holes, where she hasn't told us what happens, and use them."
"Great. How do we use 'em?"
"Uh . . . Trial and improvement?"
"We're screwed."
Elanor nodded in agreement and started to roll her sleeping bag up. A few minutes later they saw the Sue and her sister ride past and followed at a very slow sprint.
As they followed the Sue with great difficulty, panting heavily in extremely un-elvish fashion, something happened that neither of them had expected. After a few miles of running the four of them suddenly skipped forward, the trees blurring as they ceased to exist and were replaced by different ones. As everything went back to normal again Megan looked around in interest.
"Oh," she said. "That would be a plot hole, I take it."
"So it would seem. Where are we now?" Elanor asked, looking around the new part of Mirkwood.
"I think we're about to meet up with Legolas, and then the sister just vanishes, much like Thranduil. Why do they always go after Legolas?"
"I don't know, but I think we need to kill the sister before she vanishes. How should we do that?"
"I dunno, draw her into the woods or something. Looking at all the plot holes the Sue has left we should be able to catch up easily."
Megan shrugged, and they made their way cautiously to where the pair of Sues were just meeting up with Legolas.
"Well it looks like Selenity is getting ready to vanish. What an awful name. Let's go kill her."
"Yay! First killing ever. Fun. I get to kill her, 'kay?"
"Yeah, sure. As long as I get to choose the way to kill Spphire; she tried to take my elf away from me."
"Calm down, Megan, we won't let her warp Legolas too much."
"Oh good."
The pair entered the clearing in which their targets had stopped, panting heavily as if they had just run very far.
"Your highness," the blonde one called out to a very confused bit character. "We need your help back at the palace." For some reason the elf seemed to shudder at the
thought of a palace in southern Mirkwood.
"Of course." The bit character replied, "I will come at once. Goodbye, my sister." She said, turning to the Sue. "Meet up with Legolas and go to Rivendell. I hope you have a safe journey." With that the unwitting character followed the two assassins deeper into the forest.
When they were a safe distance away from Spphire Elanor turned to Selenity.
"Megan? Want to do charges?"
"Yay! It will be fun. Right, Selenity Forester, you are hereby charged with the following charges: creating a kingdom in southern Mirkwood, despite the fact that it is actually being occupied by several ringwraiths. Having green streals in your hair, which not only isn't possible because I don't have a clue what streals are, but is also utterly ridiculous because elves never dye their hair. For having one of the most ridiculous names I have ever heard of, and for really annoying me by sending your stupid Sue of a sister to hassle Legolas. Any last words?"
The bit character looked confused. "Wait, you're not from my palace. I've been kidnapped, help, hel. . . !" A red and black fletched arrow through the heart, courtesy of Elanor, quickly silenced her frantic screams.
As the rouge queen died, and the Sue left the forest, Mirkwood let out a rumbling noise, and then with a loud bang everything returned to normal. And this time Megan wasn't the only one to hear a rustling in the bushes.
"Umm, Megan. . .?" Elanor said cautiously, "You may want to leave before the real spiders appear. . ." She ended up speaking to thin air as Megan promptly conjured up a portal and leapt through. "Hey, wait for me!" She cried after her retreating friend, as a hairy leg appeared in the trees.
- - - - -
"Oh, 'ook, it's my pretty, pretty-"
"Sue-ified"
"Sue-ified Legolas." Megan crooned.
"And he's sitting in scilence. How clever of him." Elanor sat down dejectedly.
"Megan?"
"Yes?"
"What does "scilence" mean?"
"I don't know, but I expect it's something deep and meaningful. After all this is a sue fic. Did I mention I ha. . .!" Whatever Megan was going to say was cut off rather abruptly as they were spun forwards in yet another plot hole, and the pair were taken two hours into the future. Conveniently just in time to go to the council.
"Damn Sues, and their damn meddling with my Elrond, and the damn council, and pissing around with everything." Elanor ranted angrily as the Sue sat down next to, surprise, surprise, Legolas. The area that the council was held in kept shimmering in and out of existence, as it was not sure what a "porch,where" was, and tried to create something akin to a lost porch.
As the council began, Megan couldn't help but notice how original everything sounded.
"Oh look, Elanor, isn't it a clever author? She can copy from the book that she has apparently read five times. Isn't it funny how she didn't notice the fact that there wasn't a girl at the council of Elrond, despite having read it so many times?"
Elanor wasn't listening; she was too busy giggling at a certain half-elven lord, and muttering dire curses under her breath to "that godsdamned Sue and all her kin."
Sighing, Megan gave up and concentrated on watching Legolas. Neither of them had to long to drool though because guess what? They were thrown through yet another plot hole until they had reached the end of the council. Which yet again seemed rather familiar to the two assassins.
Elanor took out the copy of Lord of the Rings that she had brought with her and started to read along with Elrond. Then, after Fordo had offered to take the ring the council dispersed.
"Fordo, eh?" Megan said thoughtfully to Elanor as they left the porch,where. "Miss Cam would be so proud."
"Oh, it gets better. Peregin, Gimili and there were the valor earlier on." Elanor dumped her bag on the ground and stored through the contents until she found a copy of the fic. "And she changes to third person in a minute. After . . ."
Elrond began to twitch, as the words left his mouth. "The company (twitch) of the (twitch) ring shall be (twitch, twitch) n-n-n-n. . ." the Sue glared at Elrond.
Elanor started towards the Sue, but Megan grabbed her by her hair. "No! We must not be seen, damn you!"
"But-but-but. . ."
"Ten." Elrond eventually said.
"No! It's nine! Naturally Nine! What have you done to my Elrond? Damn, damn, damn, damn Sue!" Elanor's rant was halted by the painful view change.
"Right. That is enough. We get this Sue soon. I don't think I can handle another skip like that one." Elanor growled when they were back in first person.
"Wait 'till Elrond finishes." Megan said, softly. "She'll go and sort out her "pants" or something. We can get her now."
"You'd better think of a painful way to kill her, or I will repent giving you rights to kill her."
Sure enough, a few minutes later the Sue wandered off into the direction of her bedroom, which hadn't been described so obviously couldn't exist. However, Sue's live to defy object and so a large airy bedroom, looking surprisingly familiar to Frodo's materialised in front of them.
As Spphire entered the room the pair slipped in after her, locking the door behind them. Spphire heard the door close and turned in surprise. She seemed rather taken aback by the evil grin sent her way by Elanor.
"Hey, weren't you the two elves from Mirkwood? The one who brought messages to my sister?" She asked.
"That's right, and now we're going to take you back to Mirkwood. Your sister needs your help, though you're slightly late."
"We're taking her to Mirkwood?" Elanor asked.
"Yup, I thought we could show her what the real southern Mirkwood looks like."
The Sue had been following this exchange in confusion, but she didn't have long before Elanor hit her over the head with the hilt of her sword. Elanor snickered evilly. "I hope she doesn't sleep for too long. She'll miss the show."
"She is the show. And anyway, we need to charge her. We'll wake her then."
Megan summoned a portal for them, jumped through it and Elanor followed, kicking Spphire through.
"Aww, look, Megan, Mirkwood is back to it's normal gloomy self." Elanor said, and she emptied her water bottle over Spphire. "Its my turn to charge her"
As the Sue returned to the world of consciousness, Elanor placed her foot on the girl's neck.
"Spphire Forester, you are hereby charged with the following offences, pissing with my Elrond, having the gayest gay name which ever was born, and this is coming from a gay girl, having the worst hair I've seen in a while, tagging along with the fellowship, mucking around with my Elrond,"
"And Legolas." Megan added, loudly.
"Yes, and Legolas, but more importantly Elrond. You did more to him. Wearing pants instead of normal Middle-Earth clothes, Creating several mini-Balrogs, and a bit character, not being able to spell, or use a checker, or getting someone to Beta for you. Is that all, Megan?"
"Having longer Author's notes than chapters? Tense changes? View point changes?"
"Yes, and those. Any last words?"
The Sue seemed about to say something but Megan jumped in.
"You don't have any, oh good. Here spider, spider, spider."
"Wow, Megan, I'm impressed. You're willingly summoning a spider."
"I know, isn't it great? Goodbye Spphire, I would say it was nice knowing you, but it would be a complete lie."
"Toodle pip."
With that the two girls leapt through a portal, leaving the Sue to the mercy of the approaching spiders.
They had just entered their office when the beeping machine cried out: "Bingeley-bloody- bingeley-beep! Anyone there?"
"Another Sue?" Elanor asked, wearily. Megan went to look.
"It's by the same author."
"Joy. Has her writing improved?"
"De-proved. If that's a word."
"Can we just go in, kill her, and come out again? Please?"
"Of course, we get enough charges in the first chapter, although upstairs may not think they are valid."
"Who cares, let's go"
"Elves again?"
"Nah, better be humans."
With that the two of them leapt through, eager for a quick killing.
They arrived in a typical teenage bedroom in time to see three girls dressed in ridiculous clothes, which were the only thing clear in the room, as it was the only thing properly described. And all of them had more ridiculously streaked hair. It seemed that the author had a penchant for streaks.
All three of them looked rather put out by the appearance of two humans, but before they could say anything Megan began.
"Good morning. The three of you are being charged with the following transgressions. You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say will be ignored. You are charged with: having ridiculous clothing, hair and names, trying to get to Middle-Earth, claiming to be a lost elven princess of Middle-Earth, being insults to the elvish culture, and already annoying us despite the fact that you haven't actually done any of this stuff yet."
"And you," Elanor growled, pointing her sword at one of the surprised Sues. "Being called Courtney, which is a crime in its self. Are you slut? Are you going to kill your husband? Probably."
Megan patted Elanor on the back before continuing. "Oh yes, and being Mary-Sues. Any last words?"
"We're innocent!" Protested the main Sue "We're just going on a shopping trip; we haven't tried to get to Middle-Earth."
"Not yet you haven't, so we're going to kill you first and save Middle-Earth from the trauma of having to put up with you."
"Goodbye, my little Sues." said Elanor as she slotted an arrow onto her bow. Pretty soon the three characters were nothing more than corpses, stuck full of arrows. Elanor had taken the chance to let her anger out from the mutation of Elrond from the last fic.
"What are we going to do with them?" Megan asked.
"Dunno." Elanor said, but she was interrupted by a large lorry going past. "Although, I think it may be dustbin day." The two girls shared an evil grin.
The dustbin men found the rubbish a lot heavier than usual that day.
[Megan's AN: Grrrr, these stories annoyed me so much. Especially the first one. The grammar, spelling and general story line was so bad. The author kept complaining about the amount of flames that she was getting. Not that Elanor and myself contributed to that number. That would just be rude.]
[Elanor's AN: She tried to warp my Elrond! By the way, I don't love Elrond, I just like him as a kinda father figure. Aww . . . Croons for a while. Whereas, Megan has a. . . little . . .crush on Legolas. Yes, that's the kind way to say it. Hmm, I also have to warn you of some gayness, aka, me being Bi. And drooling over Eowyn. . . Gahhhh. . .]