[Disclaimer: As usually, we own naught save ourselves. This time the Sue is from "prettyDoe"'s "rubies and fire". Gah.]
Big, big, big thank 'ee to Viya. We love you! Thank-you for putting up with our bad spelling and punctuation (which would make any Sue author proud) and correcting it for us!
Chapter Two
Buffy-like intentions and pyromaniacs. Sorry, Pyromaniac
Elanor was lying on the bed that she had made in the corner, when there was a knock on the door.
"All right, all right." She mumbled, getting up and opening it. Megan fell in with another load of armful of posters, reminding Elanor of the Hobbit, and the last group of dwarves to come into Bilbo's home. "Megan?" She asked, trying to keep her voice polite.
"Yes, Elanor?" Megan replied, piling the posters carefully in her "to stick up" pile. Which was extremely large.
"Don't you have enough posters?"
"Nope?"
"Am I allowed any?"
"Nope, and the peseta de resistance is still to come."
Elanor started to whack her head against the wall, growling at the same time, before realising that she was hitting a large picture of Kurt Cobain, at which she stopped, and apologised many times. We all have our own weaknesses.
"Oh very well, I will allow you to have one picture, since I'm so generous."
"You're too kind, Megan, I've never known anyone as generous as you."
"I know; it's good, isn't it?"
Megan was surprisingly slow when it came to realising that someone was being sarcastic, or she was getting very good at ignoring it. One or the other.
"So do I get to know what this pasta ra thingy-thingy is, or do I have to wait in suspense?"
"Duh, wai-" Megan's words were cut across by the two assassin's favourite sound.
"Bingely-bingely-beeeeeeep! This is your friendly imp reporting. I hope you have a nice mission."
Megan started to scan the words then winced as she realised who the victim was. Discreetly covering up the worst part with her hand she turned to Elanor.
"Okay, we need to go to Rivendell, so elves it is. Let's go." Sadly the ruse didn't work and Elanor just swatted Megan's hand out of the way and started to read.
Megan watched in apprehension as her fellow assassin's face turned redder and redder and she started to hiss.
"This one's mine." She growled before opening the portal and leaping through, without looking back. Until she realised that she had left her bag on the floor, and retreated for long enough to grab it, and throw it onto her back.
Megan picked up Elanor's bow, which she had also forgotten, before following the blonde, feeling almost sorry for the Sue. Almost.
Two elves, one dark haired, and one fair-haired, were acting very strangely.
"I say we see whether we can stay in Rivendell!" The blonde one complained.
"No, no, and no again. We cannot be seen by canon characters remember."
"But no one's being canonical. Anyway, we could fit in."
"Yes, of course, Mrs. autistic, I-hate-what-this-damn-Sue-has-done-to-Elrond-oh-twins!"
"Bet you don't mind staying inside… now…" she trailed off as she realised her partner had vanished through the nearest door to Rivendell. Smiling happily she followed Megan inside. She liked camping, but beds were more comfy, and of course Elrond was inside. Even if he had been Sue-ified.
Trotting to catch up with Megan, Elanor, ever destined to be a short-arse, was given some strange looks. "So, what happens now?"
Megan took a copy of the fiction from her bag. "'Elrond had never paced. Never, during all his thousands of years in Middle Earth had he paced. But never, during all his thousands of years in Middle Earth, had there been such dreadful cause for pacing.'" She quoted. "I have no clue. Elrond paced?"
"Gee, thanks, helpful."
"No problems. Where do you think he'd be?"
"Study, probably." She had a look at the words over Megan's shoulder. "Glorfindel should be going to see him soon, and the they go see our Sue. Ooh, fire maiden. Does that mean I can buuuuurn her?" Elanor seemed to take relish over the second to last word.
"Not yet, at any rate."
"Spoil sport."
"Soon you'll be able to, don't worry, we need to wait for the opportune moment."
Elanor sighed; sometimes she gave Megan too many openings, and her friend never missed a chance to quote either Lord of the Rings or Pirates of the Caribbean.
"When will that be?"
"I was thinking after Elrond turns into a vampire."
"He what?" Whispered Elanor, taking Megan by the shoulder and spinning her round so she could look at her.
"He turns into a vampire this is not my fic please do not kill me." Megan squeaked in one breath.
"Right. This Sue is going to beg for death before the end."
Megan frowned. "Upstairs doesn't really approve of torture."
"Oh, I wasn't thinking of torture. Torture is far too nice for something like this." Elanor smiled, and began to stride down the corridor again. "So, I don't suppose you brought a map of Rivendell with you?"
Megan had a habit of carrying random objects everywhere with her, so, by some manner of luck, she did have one.
"Yup, the study is about three doors down the next corridor, on the right side."
"Only you, Megan, only you." Elanor shook her head. "Have you marked Legolas's room on yet?"
"No, I haven't been able to fi- Of course not! That'd be a silly thing to do. Honestly, Elanor, would I do a thing like that?"
"Yup."
"Sshh, it's our little secret. So what are you planning on doing for the next couple of days? Follow Elrond around until the sickness occurs and he becomes undead?"
"'Course not. I've got a whole list of rousing activities for us to try." To Megan's horror Elanor took a list out of her pocket and began to read from it. "Find and stalk Elladan and Elrohir, though I don't think they exist here. Steal a couple of bows from the armoury, because A) I want mine back, and B) you need one-"
Megan sighed. If Elanor got her way it would be a long few days. Although some of the suggestions did seem fun. She did need a bow. "So, what are we going to do first?"
"Start the charge list." Elanor stopped and pressed her ear against a door.
"Wise words, Glorfindel." She heard, and repeated this to Megan.
"Move then, you dimwit. They're about to come out!"
"Opps . . ." Elanor muttered, moving to stand by her friend so that the door didn't open onto her.
Megan ogled in wonder at the sight of two elven lords walking down the corridor like luminous wraiths, while Elanor doubled up with laughter.
"Wow." Megan said, "I didn't know it was possible for elves to be wraiths. And since when are wraiths luminous? I thought they were invisible. Although their eyes glow when they are angry; does that mean Elrond and Glorfindel are angry? I'm confused, my head hurts."
"There, there, Megan." Elanor said in about the least sympathetic voice Megan had ever heard. "Are we going to follow them or not?"
Elanor watched Glorfindel take Elrond's hand, and tried not to think slashy thoughts. "Damn Sues. Damn Slash. Grrr. . ."
Elrond opened the door to the "Rooms of Healing", and Megan laughed out loud.
When Elanor gave her a questioning glance she managed to burst out with: "Silence, like . . . drape of Spanish. . . moss! It makes no sense!"
"Yes dear." A puzzled look crossed Elanor's face. "Would elves have 'rooms of healing'? Because I didn't think they got ill so often."
"But Elrond is a healer."
"Oh, all right. But it's going on the charge list anyway." Elanor muttered, turning her back to the wall so no one could see her and scribbling in a notepad.
Megan and Elanor followed the two elf-lords through the room. "Oh yeah, like the two pin-prinks don't scream vampire. Umnolë Sue."
"Pardon?"
"Stupid Sue. Um is no, nolë is knowledge. See, stupid Sue."
"Oh yeah." Megan looked in surprise at the bowl of water that Elanor handed her. "What is this for?"
"Look busy." Elanor hissed at her. The pair made their way through the room, mopping at random elves brows as they went until they were standing near enough to hear Elrond – and see the Sue.
A beeping came from Elanor's bag, as Elrond gasped. "Oh shamrat . . ." She said, kneeling behind the nearest bed so she could find the cause. At the bottom of her bag she found the Canon Analysis Device. "Bloky Mandos! 89% character rupture of Elrond?" She asked quietly while looking for the off button. Megan crouched next to her, took it from her and turned it off. "Hey, if every hair of her body was red, do you reckon her leg hair was red?" Elanor asked, quietly. The comment caused Megan to go red as she tried not to laugh. "I'll take that as yes."
Megan began to hit her head on the bed stand. "Yes, he knew who she was, obviously. Even though he's just asked why he's never seen her before. Makes sense!"
"Since when have Sues made sense?"
A curtain was twitched back and Elanor cackled as the light made the Sue writhe and scream.
Elrond looked around in surprise, cackling elves were not common occurrences in Imladris. However, as the elf accompanying the cackling one nudged her with her elbow, the fair-haired elf stopped and went back to mopping the brows of the sick elves.
Shaking his head Elrond turned his attention back to Narwen, the fiery freak.
As Elanor and Megan continued their random wiping of elves brows, trying not too laugh at the idea of a vampire walking around Imladris there was a large jolting noise, and several minutes of pain later they had been whooshed into the future. Neither of them had an idea of how much time they had skipped, although they knew was that they both wanted painkillers and wanted them fast. Sadly they weren't common objects to be found in Middle-Earth.
"Damn Sues, and their damn time jumping . . ." Elanor began her usual "damn-the-world" speech. Megan, however, just concentrated on holding on her head and moaning.
Elanor winced as Elrond's POV echoed through Imladris in an extremely angsty speech about Celebrían and her passing. She couldn't help wonder how it was possible for him to be so sad about Celebrían even though in a couple of days time he was going to kiss some random girl that he had only met for the first time before the time jump. It made very little sense whatsoever.
"Look, Megan, look at this. Three sodding chapters in we get told what time scale we are thinking about. There was me thinking that this was set before the War of the Ring, but noooo, it is three weeks after they departed. Of course. That was so obvious and clear earlier on." Elanor paused, and thought about something. "Megan?"
"Yes, Elanor?"
"Um, you know I said earlier, could we stay in Rivendell?"
"Yes."
"We-ell. . . There's a vampire flitting around Rivendell."
"Good point." Megan yawned. "Ready for bed?"
"Yup, although according to the words Elrond is going to get bitten soon. Do we need to watch it? I think it would be painful."
"I agree, you'll probably run in to try and save him, then I'll have to grab you to stop you and the vampire will spot us and we'll probably get bitten or something knowing our luck, which is just as non existent as Estel and Legolas's. We don't need to see this part."
"Good, good." Elanor muttered, wandering away from Megan to find a place to sleep. Eventually they settled down for a good night's sleep in a clearing a little way from the main building.
The next morning the sun was shining brightly and Elanor and Megan awoke, almost able to believe that they weren't actually in the middle of a Mary Sue and didn't have to save Elrond from the horrors of a fire maiden and a vampire. Sadly this allusion didn't last long as two elven maidens wandered past, sorrowfully discussing how sad it was that Elrond was ill as well now.
They didn't have long to ponder this though as they fell victim too another time jump which portalled them to the evening. Megan sighed as she read the words; Elanor wasn't going to like this one bit.
Slowly the pair walked up to the house, Megan wincing all the while as she imagined what Elanor was going to do.
As Megan and Elanor watched Elrond go to his balcony, there was a roar. The assassins looked up to find a river transporting itself over their heads to crash down next to the elf-lords balcony. Megan held her breath.
"That's interesting." Elanor said mildly.
"It is?"
"Yes, I didn't know the Anduin was next to Rivendell. I thought there was a mountain range in the way."
"I just hope the Fellowship weren't in the way when that thing moved, or we're going to be doing an awful lot overtime."
"Indeed."
Their musings were interrupted by the appearance of the fiery idiot. As they watched, the elven maid proceeded to ominously make references to a mysterious "she" who apologised to Elrond for 'hurting him'; apparently 'she' hadn't meant too hurt Elrond, she just didn't realise that if you bit someone on their necks it would generally have a tendency to hurt.
"Sodding Sues . . ." Elanor muttered as the Sue offered her neck, on which two wounds had re-opened, healed, and then re-opened again in a minute.
Megan, with no small amount of foresight grabbed the neck of Elanor's dress as the elf-lords attention turned away from the Sue's neck, and too her lips.
"He's married, you little cow!" Elanor began to scream, but got no further than the first word before Megan gagged her. Megan continued to hold the smaller was-girl-now-elf, as Elrond sat down and had a weeping fit.
"Ho, yes, elf-lords randomly sit down and sob because they've just kissed a girl that shouldn't exist." Elanor tried to mutter.
Megan started laughing quietly, much to Elanor's disbelief.
"What's so funny?" she hissed, seeing nothing humorous about her favourite character being reduced to tears.
"Its just. . . earlier. . . they went on about how short that sue is. . . but now she has to bend down to kiss Elrond. . .it's stupid"
"No, it's a Sue." Elanor growled, looking very much like she wanted to kill the idiotic fire thing. Which may have been because she did.
After the two elves had spent a few minutes sitting under the stars, another time jump span them forward too the next morning. Surprisingly enough the first thing Elanor said was:
"Damn Sues, damn time jumps, damn stupid stories."
Megan just nodded in agreement and the pair watched as the elf-lord walked around the room talking to the nurse and caretaker. In the corridor he avoided the sunlight as much as possible, despite when he had been in the sunlit room he hadn't bothered. It was funny that the sunlight only affected him sometimes. Very convenient, too.
"Way hey." Elanor said, sarcastically as they followed him. "More angst in the rooms of healing. Want to go outside for a game of Top Trumps?"
"Uh. . . as long as I get Legolas."
"I get de-vampiry Elrond then."
"Fair enough."
Three or four fights over winning (or losing depending which side you looked from) cards, two large meals consisting of everything unhealthy that was cheap, and a long nap the two assassins made their way back to Elrond's room.
"Hey, fish." Megan said randomly as they entered the room. The pair hid under the bed, on the theory that it was such a obvious hiding place that no one would look, and waited for the vampire to arrive.
"Listen, Megan." Elanor growled, as the red mist that was the vampire 'crept into the room'. "I give up. We are killing these damn things, and we are killing them soon."
"We have no evidence for the vamp."
"Then let her have her angsty moment, and then kill her. And then we can get our fave fire freak."
"All right, all right."
"Yay!" Elanor exclaimed quietly, before handing Megan a personal CD player.
"Um . . ."
"Do I have to think of everything? It's so you don't have to listen to the sop-fest."
"Ah, good plan, what music do you have?"
"White Stripes, Darkness, Lord of the rings times three, Enya times two, music vids stuff, uh, velvet goldmine soundtrack, glitterific songs, nirvana, Avril Lavigne, did I say Enya twice? And HIM." Elanor passed her CD case to Megan. "Well, not HIM any more." She said, as she put the CD into her Walkman.
As the ruby tears of the vampire started to fall all around them, one hitting Elanor on the head, there was a minute of comedy relief as Megan started laughing hysterically, until the girls realise that they had been spotted.
"Oh, bugger." they said in unison, and climbed out from under the bed.
"Hullo there, sir and miss. Ye can ignore us, we being-"
"A couple of friendly neighbourhood fairies, which do not exist in Middle-Earth, but nether the less, we do."
"We are under the bed fairies. A very special type."
"What? Megan, can't we be . . . magical elf-lord-saving-and-vampire-and-fire-maiden-killing fairies?"
"No, Elanor, that would be silly. Anyway, we need to uh . . ."
"We were checking the state of your neighbourhood, and noticed the increasing rise of vamps. So if you'll just sign here, we'll take 'em away no probs."
Elrond stared at the fairies. If he had been in his right mind he probably would have tried to kill them, but luckily for the two he wasn't. Unfortunately, however, it seemed that the vampire did not share the same sentiments.
"What are you? And why do you interrupt my tale?" She hissed.
"We just told you that. Now, if you'll just come with us . . ." Elanor bravely took the vampire's arm and tried to lead her from the room.
Sadly the vampire wasn't that stupid, even though it was a Sue. It turned to Elanor and started to hiss, baring its pointy fangs.
"Uh, Megan?" Asked Elanor, her eyes locked onto the vampire's in an unofficial staring match.
"Yes?"
"Portal, please? Sharpish? Actually, sharpish isn't a particularly good word."
"Anywhere in particular?"
"Angband? Tol-in-Gaurhorth?"
The vampire hissed louder. "Nay, you will not take me to the fortresses of Morgoth, you fell beasts." She attacked Elanor, who had the self-preservation instincts to duck out of the way.
"Now, Megan, now!"
A portal opened into darkness. Elrond, who was sitting on the bed and staring dumbly, started. Megan positioned her self in line with NoireRae and the portal.
"Go and meet some real vampires." She called, as she pushed the Sue through the dark gateway.
"Megan!" Elanor cried. The Sue had grabbed hold of her as she fell through the portal. "Oh, trust you, you dimwit." She leant over the portal. "Don't forget to charge her."
Turning round she caught sight of the bewildered looking Lord Peredhil.
"So, Elrond," she said, "having fun?"
In Angband Megan most certainly wasn't having fun. People who would have called her experiences fun would be those who enjoy being chased in circles by a vicious, angry vampire while trying to charge her.
"NoireRae, I hereby, oh damn, charge you with mutating vampires, Elrond, crying rubie…ouch crying rubies which is ridiculous, creating another human race, which don't for Eru's sake stop it die, conspiring to spend almost an hour talking in a decidedly angst like manner, and for dragging me to Angband. I'm sure there's more but Elanor had the list and she isn't here right now so that will have to do. Oh and being a Mary Sue. Enjoy your visit."
Megan portalled out, possibly creating a record for the quickest portal, just in time to see a very, very angry looking Thuringwethil launch herself at the Suepire.
She arrived back in Elrond's room to find Elanor sitting beside the elf and nattering on about things that the poor being really shouldn't have been able to understand.
"Come on, Elanor." Megan killed. "We have a fire maiden to kill."
Elrond leapt of the bed. Not only had these . . . these fairies taken away the fairest maiden he had ever seen from him, now they were plotting to kill his Narwen.
"No! I will not let you harm her." He cried.
"Oh, damnit, I forgot about you." Megan sighed, taking something from her pocket, and putting a pair of darkened glasses on. Elanor, seeing her companion's actions, also put on a similar pair. "If you'll just look this way . . ." There was a bright flash.
"So what do we do now? How do we de-vampire him?"
"Uh. . . Not sure. We'll come back and check once we've killed the Fire thing, and if he's not better I'll go back and ask."
"Why you?"
"Because."
Elrond sat on the end of his bed feeling very confused. And wondering what "fairies" were, and where he had heard the word.
Narwen sat up, someone shaking her arm.
"Helloooo 'ikkle Sue." Someone called.
"Pardon?" She asked.
"Ah, good to see you awake."
A blonde haired elf stood by her bed. "Now, Narwen, I have to charge you with:
Warping my Elrond, being a Mary Sue, being a "fire maiden", which, can I assure you, do not exist in Middle-Earth, kissing and hitting on Elrond, even though he's married, warping Middle-Earth to fit your Sue-ish purposes, and insulting the elves with your Sue-ness, and winding me up. Oh yeah, and Megan. Any last words?" Before she had a chance to reply the elf continued. "Oh good. Megan? Portal to Mount Doom, pur-lease?"
"Yes, ma'am! The queen of the portlers has a portal ready and waiting."
"And don't get pulled in this time. Mount Doom is one hell of a lot more painful then Angband."
"Yes ma'am! Of course ma'am!"
"And stop with the damn ma'ams." Elanor pulled the "fire maiden" from her bed dragged her to the hole that had been summoned.
"We thought, as you are a fire maiden, you won't mind being introduced to your element." She smiled at the Sue wickedly before pushing her into the fires. "And say hi to Gollum for us when he arrives!"
The two assassins made their way back up to Elrond's room. Elanor knocked on the door. "Master Elrond?"
"Yes?" Came the bemused answer. She opened the door and smiled at him.
"Hullo. We're back to see if you're still lustin' for blood."
"Pardon?"
"Ah, I'll take that as no then. We'll, one last thing. Smile, please?" Elrond smiled in a confused way. "Thank-you. Bye!"
Elanor and Megan landed with a crash back in their office. Elanor pulled her bag off her back and dumped it on the floor.
"Megan, give me the portal thingy."
"Why?" Megan asked, handing it to her.
"Uh. . . no reason. Give me a yell if any one comes."
Elanor vanished into the world of fandom. While she was gone Megan took advantage of the situation and carefully swapped some of Elanor's posters for some of her own, much more artistic, Legolas ones. Finally Elanor re-appeared, dragging what looked like a large cage.
"What," Megan asked, "is that?"
[Elanor's AN: What did they do to my precious, my loves? They tried to warp him! Sobs Awww . . . Poor Elrond. There was more . . . And it was all as sap-filled, and wrong, and horrible, and. . . ::shudders::]
[Megan's AN: Grrr that story was bad. And what was even more annoying was that she knew all about things from both LOTR and the Silmarillion, yet she insisted on writing something that bad. If anyone has any Mary Sues that need killing just send us the story name and we will happily do the honours. As long as they affect the elves in some way we should be able to get 'em. And I'll give you three guesses what my piasta resisstance is. It's the precious, but not Gollum's precious, and it doesn't fit in my pocket.]
[Elanor's second AN: Ohh, and what I have found. I have a new plaything. Yay! ::ish easily distracted::]