Lapsus memoriae

Nothing was said between the Marauders during the remaining of the ride. James sat near the window, his head against the window and he appeared to be in deep thought. Remus and Sirius were silent, not knowing what to say or do, sitting apprehensively near the door and shooting worried glances constantly in James' direction

Despite the fact that they had wanted to know what was bothering their friend, they most definitely did not expect him to break so easily nor did they suspect what his answer would be

And so the journey to school continued in a deafening silence.

Suddenly James stirred from his reverie, by standing up and making his way to the compartment door

"Where you going James?" Sirius asked trying to appear uninterested, but James could hear the worried tone in his voice

"We're here" he answered slowly, without turning and walked out of the compartment

Sirius was about to contradict him when he felt the train slow down until it eventually came to a stop. He looked at Remus with a bewildered look

"Moony he's starting to scare me, you know that?" he told him. Remus just looked at the compartment door for a few seconds with a pensive expression on his face before he stood up to follow his friend

They walked off the train and made their way to James who was talking to Hagrid, but before they were able to reach them, they saw him walk towards the boats

"Hagrid where is James going?" Remus asked Hagrid when he came into earshot. Hagrid turned around to face them with a smile; he always had a soft spot for the Marauders

"Oh, he's jus' goin' to the boats" he replied happily, "Head Boy an' all" he surveyed them closely, his small eyes glinting with a hint of worry. "Why, 'nything the matter?" he asked grimly.

"Oh, no. We're just a bit worried about him, that's all" Sirius answered distractedly still keeping an eye on James, who was now helping a small scared little girl board one of the boats.

Sirius remained transfixed at the scene, unable to hide the sorrow and pity in his eyes. He had never seen his friend so lost in his life, despite the façade that he so insisted in putting on, he could see right through him and he knew that there was something else that he was hiding, yet he also knew that James needed time to straighten things out on his own first

He shook his head as if clearing his head and slowly turned around to head in the direction of the carriage

He failed to notice a redhead standing not so far away observing the exact same scene, her gaze also filled with sorrow and something other than pity, although she didn't want to get into it at the moment

She had not known at the beginning of the train ride that James' house had been attacked during the summer holidays, or that his parents and younger sister had been killed in the attack, or that his brother was held in critical condition at St. Mungo's

But she did know now; she had heard a few of the girls talk about it and she understood now why he had lost his faith, why he became so grim and pessimistic about life. It would turn anyone's life upside-down; to force them into maturity despite all the youth they should posses.

She stared at the boy in front of her– no man, she corrected herself, for that is surely a more accurate description of the James Potter she was watching now. She no longer detected an ounce of arrogance, or cockiness or even mischief. What stood before her now was a shell of an empty man, who had lost so much in such a short period of time, who looked as through he hadn't had much to live for, yet here he was trying to be strong and move along with his life

She glanced in the direction in which Sirius had disappeared to before turning back to James. He did have reasons to live for; five reasons to live for to be precise. His friends, Sirius, Remus and Peter all which looked up at him as a brother, his brother, who needed him more than anyone and…

She shook her head vigorously as she tried to keep a nasty thought from forming and was surprised to hear her name been called

"Hey Lily?" a soft -spoken voice said her name. She looked around and came face to face with non-other than James Potter, who was looking at her with a look of worry and nervousness.

As she looked in his hazel eyes she let out a small gasp as she felt a diminutive jolt within her and turned her gaze somewhere else instead of him trying to control the heat of her body, thus missing a flash of pain in his deep eyes and a visible wince that he allowed to show

"What Potter?" she muttered harshly and she instantly regretted it

"Well, Lily" he snapped sorrowfully, "Hagrid is asking whether or not you'll be joining us on the boats, but you seemed too zone out so I came to see if you were ok" he finished sincerely, rubbing his neck awkwardly

All she seemed to be able to do is stare at him, torn between frustration and awe. And he stared right back

"Right. Then I'll be going back to Hagrid. I guess, you'll be going with the carriages then?" he spoke quickly as if wanting to leave as soon as possible and turned around without waiting for an answer

That seemed to trigger her system

"No!" she cried and he stopped abruptly whirling around to look at her in shock. She felt heat rise within her again; she hadn't meant to shout or scare him

"I mean, I'll come with you. Its not like there are many carriages left anyway" she explained rather hastily, staring at the floor, as she made her was beside him

Without a second word from either of them, they made their way to the boats

"Heya Lily" Hagrid exclaimed loudly as they approached. Lily looked at him with a mixture of embarrassment yet she was delighted to see him again

"Hi Hagrid" she replied almost shyly. Hagrid seemed to ignore her tone as he beamed at her

"Hear ya Head Girl! Ada girl Lils. Always knew ya could do it." he patted her fondly on her head. He pointed at James in a humorous manner. "Now I had 'few doubts 'bout him min' ya" he laughed as he made his way to one of the boats, leaving the two Heads to sort themselves into the boats

They stood together in an awkwardly serene silence for a few minutes until James coughed discreetly

"After you, Lily" he stepped aside in order for her to board one of the small boats. She looked at it uncertainly for a few moments scared in case it would not hold her weight. James watched her in a daze and noticing her hesitation, he reached out his hand for her to take and help her make her way on the boat, forgetting at the time about the curse as he leaned closer to her

"Don't worry, you wont fall in. If Hagrid can do this every year without them breaking, you certainly can. Even if you fall in, I'll jump in to save you" he whispered gently into her ear.

As he did so a tingle of pain moved from the back of his neck to the bottom of his back, as her scent intoxicated his organism once again, and he slowly drew back only to see her fix her eyes on him, with a strange look in her eyes

"You promise?" she smiled at him warmly

"I promise" and a nod was all he could master as he felt a sharp sting in his chest as he took in her smile

That seemed to satisfy her and taking his hand she walked on board, her smile still on her face, passing James as she did so, and so neglecting to see the agonizing expression his eyes wore

The boat ride was not as quiet as the train ride; as they neared the castle all the new children looked up at it in amazement and wonder. Most let out noises of marvel as they continued their journey in awe

Both the Heads looked at the sight in front of them knowing that this would be the last time they would be staying in their beloved castle. The castle that meant so much to them, where they had learned everything they would need for the 'real' world. The castle that had been their home for six, going on seven years, a home that will always have a place for them to return to if ever they needed it

James turned his attention to the lake and the ripples that were being formed by the small boats as they broke the through surface, trying to focus on something that he was immune to, something that didn't mean anything to him

As he had watched Hogwarts from afar, he realized that for the first time he was glad he was returning for his final year, to make more memories and a sting flickered through his body as he recalled the fight he had with his parents that fateful night. The last time he had ever talked to them

Lily watched him closely from her position, studying his every move. She had an idea of what he was thinking of and he felt a pang of sorrow in her heart. She placed a comforting hand on his as she saw him shake his head forcefully and run one of his hands through his hair. She didn't know what to expect with her action but she most certainly did not expect him to snatch it back as if it were on fire and look around him to find who had made contact.

His eyes searched wildly around before falling on her; they immediately softened at the sight of her

Who else could it be you idiot? He thought to himself

He was about to turn his attention back to the lake when Lily said something; something that was barely a whisper, yet it was loud enough to deafen him, something that was said to him by almost every person he met, yet coming from her it meant everything

"I'm sorry"

Her voice was so soft and sincere that he had to turn around to see her. She was looking at her hands that were placed on her lap. He watched as her hair fell down her face. He wanted to hold her and never let go, but he knew that he couldn't; that he shouldn't. Instead, he mastered all his strength and placed a hand on hers

"You, don't have to you know, but thank you all the same" he mumbled solemnly as she looked up at his face. He gave her a small smile and before she could question him on what he meant, he continued,

"I'm sorry too"

At this she was speechless. She looked at him hard, trying to see whether or not it was a joke, despite the feeling she had telling her that it wasn't

"What? Why?" she stammered. He looked at her in a truly apologetic way

"For everything that I ever did to you. Prank you, make fun of you." He paused for a second wondering if he should continue. He did, "ask you out" ending in a whisper, and averted his gaze from hers

Lily was by no lost of words. James Potter; the James Potter was sitting in front of her asking for her forgiveness about every vile thing he had ever done to her. She never thought she would live to see the day

Then again, she reasoned, this was not the same James Potter from last year. This James Potter, did not seem to want to prank anyone, fight any Slytherins, Snape incident aside as that was self defense, nor did he have the air of a pompous spoilt prat

Frankly that scared the living daylights out of her

Yet as she stared at the person in front of her, she knew that he needed this and her. He needed as many friends as possible to help him through this. She soon noticed that his gaze had returned to her as if waiting for an answer. She smiled brightly at him

"Friends?" she asked shyly

"It would be my pleasure" he smiled at her and she felt the distinct feeling of giddiness burst within her but she mentally pushed it aside.

James was surprised to see that he didn't feel any pain at this but before he could spend much time dwelling on it, he felt a small nudge on his side and looking up he saw Lily looking down at him.

"We're here" she answered his questioning stare

He looked around and saw that they were indeed at Hogwarts. He hurriedly got off-board and began helping the first years to come out from the boats as well, trying to ignore the heat of Lily's eyes on him

"Come on, now. One by one now," he kept saying, as a distraction

Although Lily had helped the first years as well, she couldn't take her eyes of f him. She was still in a shock at the drastic change that had come over James. Something inside her told her that there was something else that he did not want to let on, and that that something was big

She shook her head once again to get rid of the bizarre thoughts that were penetrating her mind and made her way up to the castle with the rest

Professor McGonagall was waiting for them at the top of the stairs with a stern look plastered upon her face. When her gaze fell on James, sorrow and sympathy flashed in her eyes for a second before returning to the first years. They all followed her as she turned around swiftly and showed them in a small room

"Welcome to Hogwarts" she said sternly. She moved on to explain the sorting ceremony and the Houses that existed within Hogwarts, yet James had zoned out once again, recalling his sorting

He and Sirius had told everyone that they would be forced to fight a troll and depending on their skills they would be sorted. Needless to say they scared many of the other kids. Except one; Lily Evans, so he had pulled her hair and lets just say that she didn't appreciate it very much. When they had both been sorted into Gryffindor, the first years that were with them looked worriedly between them knowing full well of what was going to come

He smiled fondly at the memory feeling another familiar sting move down his back. He snapped out of his dreamlike state as he heard his name being said

"Mr. Potter, Ms. Evans, the headmaster would like to have you in his office when the feast is finished" she told them as she lead them to the Great Hall.

James and Lily made their way to the Gryffindor table and sat next to the Marauders. Sirius and Remus, although surprised, were not as shocked as Peter to see Lily sit next to James, let alone them. Peter had missed most of the things that had occurred on the train, as he was not sitting with them

"And where were you Pete?" James asked lightly, trying to distract his attention from Lily. Peter started to blush as he was going to answer but James stopped him. "Ah, yes. How is the lovely Leila?" he added jokingly

This seemed to embarrass Peter even more as he went an even brighter shade of red. James was referring to his eight-month girlfriend Leila Richards, who was in sixth year Hufflepuff. In the mean time Sirius, Remus and Lily exchanged looks of curiosity at his odd behaviour

When the boys had last seen him, he was distant and quiet, and only mere seconds before when he was with Lily he was some sort reserved and lost in a memory of some sort. Yet here he was making jokes and even smiling despite the fact that I barely looked like smile

"Err.. She's fine" Peter muttered quickly

Soon the food appeared and everyone piled great amounts of each delicacy on their plates. James on the other hand only put a minimum quantity and ate even less, sometimes playing with it and moving it around

"Why aren't you eating, James?" Lily's voice rang though his mind

Forks and knives could be heard dropping around them as people heard her question and turned to them. Had Lily Evan just called James Potter by his first name? Had she just been civil to him? She cared about why he wasn't eating? Whispers began all around them and soon the entire Great Hall was trying to see James' reaction to it

James on the other hand, smiled as he faced her, letting the whispering erupt once again. She locked her eyes with him and they seemed to be thinking of the same thing; she smiled at him warmly

"I'm not that hungry actually Lils" he answered half true. He just didn't want to eat, whether he was hungry or not. As their eyes locked James felt a strong jolt of electricity shoot through him, burning every cell within him, yet he didn't look away

The talk stopped around them as she took his hand in hers and stood up to leave, as they all waited for his reaction

"Let's go see Professor Dumbledore then shall we?" she asked merrily as she pulled him up to him

James was in a daze as he began to follow her out the Great Hall, his boy heating up and freezing at the same time, whilst his hand was burning

As they stepped out of the Great Hall, everyone started talking at once about everything they just witnessed, all except the first years who did not know how James and Lily had been acting before

Snape watched them as they went out, a satisfied smirk on his lips. Despite the fact that he did feel an ounce of sorrow towards Potter, he did not regret what he did. How dare he save him last year! Now he owed him his life, his eyes beady as he remembered last year. Now he would have to suffer the consequences.

Across the Hall Peter was still watching the door in which James and Lily had just went through, unable to believe what had just happened. He turned to Sirius and Remus

"What the Hell just happened guys?" he asked in surprise. Remus and Sirius just looked at each other and smiled knowingly

"You sure miss a lot when you aren't with us, don't you Pete?" Remus said in a mystic voice

James and Lily were waiting outside Professor Dumbledore's office. Lily was still laughing excitedly while James remained content with just smiling

"Did you see their faces?" she exclaimed leaning against the wall for support. James merely nodded, saying nothing

"I haven't laughed like this in a long time" she breathed. James leaned his back against the wall, crossing his legs and arms as he rested his head against the wall as well, sobering up

"Neither have I" he whispered bitterly.

His answer startled Lily in a way she didn't know how to answer. She stood where she was leaning and looked at him. Guilt rose within her as silence settled around them. She was about to apologize but a third party broke the silence

"I see you still remember the way here James?" he asked as his eyes sparkled; yet as James looked at him, he detected another emotion that he couldn't explain

"Quite a performance you put up for us in there. I do believe that the students shan't be leaving you alone until they find out what happened between you" his eyes flickered between the two of them and he smiled, "but whatever has happened between the two I am glad it has occurred, as we need our Head students to be united in this time of need. Shall we?" he gestured to the gargoyle. He stepped closer and whispered, "Salve veritate"

The gargoyle moved aside to make way for the headmaster to pass, revealing a winding staircase. They slowly made their way up into the office, seating themselves down at the chairs available

Dumbledore sat behind his desk, and placing his fingers together whilst bringing them to his chin, he gazed at them for a while

"Congratulations on making Head Boy and Girl. You both know that this is a very honourable position in this school and I do hope that you shall not take your privileges lightly, as I trust you wont," he smiled fondly at them before turning to James, who immediately tensed under his stare

"To speak the truth James, I must admit I was astounded when you accepted this position. I had received a letter from your father, saying that you flat out refused to come back here for your last year, let alone as Head Boy" he spoke lightly.

James stared at him with a mixture of emotions, anger and respect being two of them. He really didn't need Lily finding out everything he went through the summer yet he couldn't help but feel glad that he was wanted by the greatest magician of all times

"Yea, well err.. I had kinda made a promise to someone and I'm trying to keep it" he mumbled

Lily studied him closely, wondering again about what James was hiding

"I'm sure that I do not speak only about me when I say, that I'm glad you changed your mind" pointedly watching Lily, who understood the meaning of the sentence, and blushed

"Now, if you are ready we can go so I may show you your private chambers" she added as he rose from his seat and made his way out his office, leaving Lily and James behind as they tried to comprehend what he had said

They had their own private chambers? Was the only thought that passed through their minds as they rushed to catch up with the headmaster

Dumbledore waited for them patiently as they came in a fast pace toward him. Before they had managed to reach him, he began walking though the corridors and occasionally going up a flight of stairs.

Within twenty minutes, they came to a sudden halt in front of a portrait of what appeared to be a large tree surrounded by three little fire fairies

"Why hello Professor, how do you do?" one of the fairies asked politely

"Very well thank you Dot, and you?" Dumbledore replied equally politely. The small fairy seemed to blush before noticing the two Heads, and smiled broadly at them

"These the new Heads, headmaster?" one of the other fairies asked before Dot was able to

"Yes they are Yacko" he smiled at the fairy

"Nosce te ipsum" he told them

The third fairy smiled at them as he pushed the portrait hole open for them. As they stepped in both Heads were lost of words.

Right in front of them against the opposite side of the room, there was a fireplace that already consisted of a roaring fire, two red armchairs surrounding it and a large red couch separating them. Above the fireplace there was a large portrait of the four Founders of Hogwarts with candles. Large bookcases where located on either side of the fireplace, filled with many different books on different kinds of magic. On each side of the room there was a staircase that led to two different rooms on the second floor

James slowly made his way up one of the staircases, whilst Lily did the same, embarrassment now forgotten

"You may change the furnishings if you wish to do so. Enjoy" they heard the headmaster say before disappearing through the portrait hole

James stepped into his room, and was once again mesmerized by what he saw. A king size bed was located in the middle of the room, against the wall. Its covers were a deep shade of blue, almost midnight blue, and the material looked as if it were silk. He caressed the bed slowly, feeling the material under his fingers. It felt like silk as well. He looked around him further more, noticing his closet on the left side of the bedroom with a full sized mirror exactly opposite it. He also noticed another door, between his closet and his mirror and so he move towards it to open it

As he opened it, another door opened on the other side and Lily appeared behind it. She seemed to be overjoyed with excitement. Until she realized that she would be sharing a bathroom with James Potter

"Wow!" she exclaimed as she diverted her now pink face to something else

There was a large mirror on one of the sides of the bathroom above two golden sinks, each for one of the Heads. Across the room, there was a shower surrounded by glass and a bathtub for whatever they felt like having and a toilet seat for each. The tiles were white and beige with the animals of each house carved upon them.

"Wow!" Lily repeated. All James could do was stare. He couldn't agree with Lily more; Wow!

"How's your room?" she said as she advanced towards him and he managed to sidestep her just before she stepped all over him.

She stopped right next to him intoxicating his senses all over again. He tried to step away from her but his back came into contact with the frame of the door, so he turned his head to his side, towards his room

"Wow! Your room is so much better than mine! My room is pink! Pink I tell you. I can't stand the colour, but I guess I can change it whenever I want to huh?" she said animatedly

James looked at her strangely but smiled all the same

"Well I'm going to be going to sleep" he told her pointedly

She was still staring at his room in awe and when she heard his voice she turned to him and blushed scarlet

"Oh, yea. Sorry" she muttered quickly as she stepped out of his room into the bathroom. "Well good night James" she added as she left his room

"Goodnight Lily" James replied with a smile and shut the door.

What the Hell? He thought as soon as he closed it. What was that all about? Was she blushing? Lily Evans never acted like this around him. Ever!

He shook his head and walked to his trunk to retrieve his pyjamas and toothbrush

What the Hell? She thought as soon as he closed the door. What the hell was all that about? She did not just blush in front of James Potter! She never blushed!

She shook her head and walked to her room to get her toothbrush.

She pulled out a dark purple toothbrush from her trunk, along with her toothpaste and walked back into the bathroom where she began bushing her teeth. When she finished she spat out the froth and washed her mouth. As she straightened up she was surprised to see James standing behind her, through the mirror, with a strange look in his eyes

Was that a flash of pain she just saw cross is hazel eyes?

"Fancy seeing you here" he joked

"Yea fancy that" she answered nervously as she turned around to face him. She gulped discreetly at the sight of him. She kept her eye on him as he moved to the sink next to hers to brush his teeth

He wore the bottom part of his black pajamas along with a small tight black t-shirt.

She could feel herself heat up and she knew she had to leave

"Well, goodnight again, James" she stuttered and turned to leave hurriedly out of the bathroom

"Sweet dreams Lily" she heard him reply before she almost slammed her door closed

That night she fell a sleep thinking of her first day back at school and everything peculiar about it and she managed to fall a sleep while trying to solve the mystery of one James Potter

James on the other had could not sleep. Every time he tried to images of his parents and sister dying in front of him flashed before him; his brother jumping in front of him, blocking a curse that was meant for him, the look of pure anguish in his eyes as he looked at him and Voldemort who was not standing very far behind, laughing at the scene.

He shot out of bed, sweating horribly, trembling all over and a throbbing pain in his head drove him crazy. He looked at the alarm clock next to him

03:48

Rubbing his eyes strongly he got out of his bed and wearing his glasses, he stood in front of the mirror, and pealed of his t-shirt once more turning to see his back in the mirror

Five large gashes were clearly visible as he turned on the light. One of the scars was bleeding a bit and he subconsciously looked toward his bed. As if confirming his thoughts, blood stained his new sheets

He muttered the cleaning spell and soon the blood had vanished. He then pointed to a piece of cloth that he found and muttered "Aqua", filling it with water

He slowly brought it to the small of his back where it had been bleeding and pressed it harshly on the wound, wincing at contact

He cleaned the wound completely and went back to bed, this time he had no intention in sleeping. He let the memories overtake him as he lay there in the dark. His mother, his father, his baby sister; they were all dead now. All the family he had now was his brother, who was in hospital under constant care.

He wanted to forget everything. Al he wanted to do was forget, but the scars on his back were a constant reminder of Voldemort's power, of the destruction he caused; a constant reminder of that night.

He knew he had been lucky. He had only been tortured and he knew it could be worse, though at the moment he wasn't so sure. He had lost all the family ha had

Tears escaped his eyes as he drifted into another sleep filled with a turmoil of memories and his brother's eyes

Thank yous:

DracozFallenAngel Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. Enjoy the rest

Areanna Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying it and I hope you liked this chapter as well as what is coming up

Curiousknowitall Well either way you say it, both of them are gorgeous no? ;p

Child-of-Scorpio Don't worry about Snape, he might change during the rest of the story but I wont be saying anything else on the matter just in case I spoil anything heh. I really like you're system, I might be getting one of mine like that! You don't mind do you? But it wont be with axes, more like knives. Big knives. But I hope you don't us your No 1 axe on me though. Well that's one thing we've got in common with our subjects then. We both suck at them, hate anything that has to do with English, except of course creative writing! Btw you're not boring me. I'm always looking forward to your reviews cos they're always long and fun and I enjoy answering back at them. And they are what get me through these god- awful days of my bloody exams! Well only four left and then summer holidays. Yay! Enjoy the chapter

Flying-piggy-123 Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm so happy you like this story and I hope you keep enjoying it

Jemstar Good, I hope you keep loving it too heh. Enjoy

Mandyzcool Thank you, I hope you enjoy the rest of it as well

Shay I got exactly the same taste in stories! Moody James = nice story heh. Glad you liked it

Lady of Masbolle In the place that I live in? Hot? Not in the least! Well maybe they are.. some.. heh. Well I'm going to be going on holiday I can experiment there! That's how I am when I get reviews as well! Jump up and down, put on funky music and start dancing heh.

Jap is another language that would be so interesting to learn! Is it? and drums seem like so much fun! Are they? You have violent friends as well? We should all get together and form a club or something. Well I'm glad you liked the chapter and I hope you liked this one just as much

C Thank you! Bows Thank you! Heh I hope you liked this chapter as well

Living In A Nightmare I don't know whether I should be happy about that or be scared, but either way I hope you still like my ficcy and I promise you that things are going to change. The plot thickens as you can see, and people change with it. But alas! You shall see! Just stay tuned

SnakeEyesHannah Oh. My. God. Thank you so much! I'm lost of words. Which let me tell you is rare.. just ask my friends! Thank you! I'm glad you liked it and I hope you still like it even if I screw it up heh

A/N I am so sorry for the wait! With all my exams I lost track of time but I managed to squeeze this in between exams and I hope you like it! The next chapter of Lost Hope is not far behind do dot worry. I might be updating more often now as I only have 4 more exams, 3 of which are next week and I want to finish at least one of my remaining stories before I have to go to Germany on the 13th next month so stay tuned! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter

Dictionary: Salve veritate saving the truth

Nosce te ipsum know thyself

Aqua Water

Lapsus memoriae a lip of the memory