This chapter is dedicated to our beloved storymom/smc, who needs the "fluff" and the "funny". I'll do my best to give you both, my love. I know I said I'd have this up for you on Wednesday, but a funny thing happened to me. Well not to me, but.... See, my favourite son went camping last weekend and came back with a mild case of poison ivy. (Not the first one he's had this summer, actually he just got over a case of it.) He was scratching his legs so naturally he got the rash on his hands. By Wednesday night, the poor boy had a rash where no one EVER wants to get poison ivy.

Yeah, and I'm such a mean bitch because I thought it was funny. I just want to know who he was fantasizing about when he was "entertaining" himself. Hee!

Oh, by the way, all legal disclaimers apply. All copywritten characters will be returned unharmed. A little dizzy perhaps, but relatively intact.

Chapter Nineteen.

While Sandy, Seth and Ryan were inflating the air mattress and unpacking Seth's things, Kirsten covertly checked through the cupboards, making sure there were enough groceries for Ryan.... And Seth. She closed a cabinet door, relieved to see that yes, Ryan did have food and no, she didn't find any cigarettes. There had been no tell-tale scent of tobacco in the small apartment, just a faint smell of pine cleaner.

Kirsten was relieved that Ryan had taken care of himself, but relief and sadness were waging war. She was relieved that he "could" make it on his own and sad that he "knew" how. She wondered how many times Ryan, Dawn and Trey stayed in shelters. The thought of Ryan as a boy, not knowing where he'd sleep at night, not knowing if he'd eat that day, brought tears to her eyes. Kirsten closed them, blinking back the tears.

How must he have felt when Sandy hit him.

How shattered he was, listening to Seth hurl angry accusations at him.

Everything Ryan didn't say at dinner tonight echoed in her mind.

Now he had moved on. He'd left them behind.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ryan could feel his heart beating angrily, a frantic rhythm pounding in his chest. He slipped away from Seth and Sandy, locking himself in the washroom. He leaned over the toilet, leaning on his good hand to keep him from falling over.

Fuck...

His stomach refused to co-operate. He wanted to puke. He needed to puke. His breathing was fast and uneven. His head was ready to explode. Spots oscillated in front of his eyes, a kaleidoscope of shapes and colours melding into white noise that assaulted his ears, then swirling, only to separate and start over.

As quickly as it started, the overpowering sensations vanished, the dizziness and nausea stopping for now. His heart was still in overdrive and his breathing hadn't slowed, but the worst was over. Ryan spat into the toilet, pushed himself up, flushed and washed his hands and face. He looked at his pale reflection. He just wanted to be left alone and go to sleep.

Ryan knew he'd feel better if he could just get some sleep.

He opened the door and exited the washroom, ignoring Kirsten's worried look. He'd put up with Seth for a few days and then send him home.

He just wanted to be left alone.

Why couldn't they see that?

Sure, there were times when he missed the Cohens. Dinner was nice, but all he wanted was his solitude.

Being alone meant a lot less hassle.

No one to let down.

No expectations.

No one to answer to.

He wouldn't have to always keep his guard up.

No one to disappoint him.

Ryan's brain was screaming at everyone to leave him the fuck alone. His face showed nothing as he sat down on his bed.

The blank look and rapid breathing startled Kirsten. She had been observing Ryan since he came out of the washroom. She watched as he cradled his tightly clenched hand to his chest. She was fighting her maternal instincts to go over to him, but if she did, Ryan would only withdraw deeper into himself.

Silently, the dog wandered over to him and butted his good hand with its head. Ryan absently scratched Peanut behind his ears, the action visibly calming the boy. The dog lay it's head on Ryan's lap as a well calloused hand stroked its head. Ryan's breathing slowed and he started to relax. The frantic pounding of his heart had eased up somewhat, his chest no longer felt like it was being crushed. He unclenched his fingers. His hand ached, pain shot up his arm.

"Tell them...."

A quiet voice form deep within told him. It was the same voice that told him to stay, the night Sandy had... Seth.... Shit hit the fan. The voice that told him that it was all a misunderstanding and things would work out. The voice that nagged him to call the Cohens.

His inner voice.

The one that needed to shut the hell up.

The painful spasms ended and Ryan carefully flexed his fingers. That felt better. He looked up to see Kirsten watching him. He offered her a weak smile.

"Hand cramps up once in a while... I'm fine..."

He resumed petting the dog, hoping she'd believe him.

Kirsten sat on the bed beside Ryan. The heat radiating from him hadn't abated and he was still alarmingly pale. She gingerly reached for his bandaged hand and gently turned it over. His fingers were bruised and swollen. Purple welts were now evident on his inner wrist and forearm. He pulled his hand from hers.

"I'm okay... really... The doctor said that some bruising was to be expected..."

Ryan tried to sound convincing.

He just needed to get some sleep.

Why couldn't they see that?

The agitation was churning up again. Ryan swallowed it back. Peanut let out a low growl, tell him he was being too rough. Ryan looked at the dog and used his finger tips to gently rub right above Peanut's eyes. The dog sighed contently and closed his eyes.

Kirsten didn't believe Ryan. Not at all. He was too warm and no matter how hard he tried to hide it, he was in a lot of pain. The worst thing she could do right now was to ignore her instincts, but she had too. In order to salvage the relationship with her new son, their new son, she had to step back and allow Ryan to come to them.

"Okay..." She whispered. "We should probably let you get some sleep... You've had a long day..."

Ryan nodded but his eyes said "Thanks for understanding." Kirsten realized that Ryan's eyes really were the windows to his soul. He may never say very much, but his pale blue eyes would always talk to them. They just needed to listen.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Seth stood up and flexed his biceps.

"Yes... We are victorious! The air mattress is fully inflated and ready for sleepage. Pretty impressive, huh?"

Ryan smirked.

"It's right on up there with lawyers and their light bulb changing abilities."

Sandy's head shot up.

"Hey, I heard that... I'll have you know that I changed a light bulb. It was one of those long ones... What are they called?"

"Fluorescent." Ryan snidely answered. "And you didn't change it. I did. You just about fell off the ladder trying to put the wrong end of the tube into the fixture..."

The room became quiet. An innocuous memory. One that drove home the point that the family was not yet whole again.

Kirsten stood up and reached for Sandy's hand, squeezing it.

"We should go and let the boys get some sleep..."

"Sleep? Mom! It's barely 9 o'clock... The night's still young. It's Tuesday night in Carmichael. There's got to be a mondo party somewhere.... Right Ryan?"

"Seth, give it a rest..." Sandy had kept his tone light, but Seth knew he was in "Danger, Will Robinson" territory.

"Alright. I'll make sure "Bob the Builder" over there goes "nighty-night" as soon as you leave..."

Sandy raised an eyebrow at his older son. Seth put a finger to his lips in a self-shushing action. Ryan stood up to say good bye to the Cohens. The room started spinning and he felt himself leaning to one side. He regained his balance and willed himself to stand straight.

"Got up too fast..."

Every part of her being screamed at Kirsten to get Ryan to a doctor, even if she had to drag him there. She stepped closer and hugged him tightly.

"Promise you'll see a doctor tomorrow?"

Ryan moved his head in a half nod. It hurt too much to move it anymore than that.

"'kay..."

She forced herself to let him go, wrapping her arms around her ribcage, almost as if she were trying to restrain herself from taking Ryan with them.

Sandy awkwardly held out his hand. Ryan hesitated, then quickly shook it and pulled back.

He didn't let his disappointment show. He knew the betrayal Ryan was feeling was still too fresh. Maybe having Seth stay wasn't such a good idea after all. Emotions were too raw.

"Will you guys go already? Seth/Ryan time is going to start." Seth said with a smile. A smile that didn't reach his eyes. Seth/Ryan time. Fuck, he was nervous.

Sandy gave Seth a hug and told him to stay out of trouble. Kirsten held her curly haired son, quietly whispering for him to keep an eye on Ryan and to call them if he seemed worse...

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As soon as the door closed, Ryan slumped down on his bed. His heart had starting pounding so hard again, that he was sure Seth could hear it.

Why the hell was it so cold in the apartment?

Seth turned to face Ryan.

"Ryan, uh..."

"Can you take Peanut out for a walk? He needs to do his... business..."

"Yeah, sure.... I...."

The bags are under the sink so you can clean up after him. His lead is by the door..."

The nausea returned full force. Ryan pulled himself of his bed and stumbled into the washroom, locking the door again. He could feel the cold sweat running down his back as he leaned over the toilet again. His body shook as the dizziness consumed him.

Ride it out.

He'd done it before.

It wasn't the first time he'd ever been sick.

It's just no one had ever cared before.

As if on cue, he heard Seth.

"You okay... Ryan...?"

"Yeah... Can you just take the dog...?"

After a moment, Seth answered quietly.

"I'll be back in a while.

A groan from the other side was the only response.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The ride back to Sacramento was quiet. Sandy and Kirsten were lost in their own thoughts. Sandy worried that his relationship with Ryan was permanently damaged. The boy's demeanour with him was distant and detached, much like their first meeting in juvenile detention last year. Another life time. He was worried how his sons would deal with each other.

His sons.

His boys.

Seth and Ryan.

Damn, he wanted them home.

Kirsten knew Ryan would never hurt Seth. He had proved it by walking away that night. Yes, he left them, but there was no doubt that Ryan could have easily beat Seth up after Seth had hit him. Ryan didn't. Ryan wouldn't. She knew he wouldn't run again. She wouldn't let him slip away this time.

Kirsten was scared though. Ryan was sick and she was 20 minutes away. She'd never do that to Seth. When he was sick, she'd be there for him, hovering, turning into June Cleaver. It's what her mother did when she was sick...

Maybe it was just a virus.

A simple cold.

One Ryan had before his little romp in the rain that morning.

Nothing serious.

A good night's sleep and he'd be fine.

It's just a cold.

Kirsten closed her eyes.

She wanted her family together again.

Damn, she wanted them home.