Status quo
The following day found James in the Head common room. After his nightmare, he had found it very hard to go back to sleep, as his dreams were serving as a constant reminder of the last time he had seen his parents, and so he made his way down his dormitory stairs and sat in the comfortable couch facing the fire that was still alive, sinking deep in thought
His entire family had been in hiding for over a year, ever since his parents had joint Dumbledore's elite group, Order of the Phoenix. Trouble had begun almost immediately after that. Casualties were expected through the course of time, but nothing of what happened was even imagined
Lily had descended the stairs of her dormitory early in the morning and was surprised to find him sprawled across the couch. She moved a bit closer, only to observe him. She had never seen anyone her age look so small and innocent whilst they slept. He looked weary despite his present sleeping state and he had what seemed to be tearstains streaking down his face
She didn't realize how long she had been staring at him until he began stirring and muttering incoherently. She couldn't help but wonder about what he was dreaming. As he began shaking uncontrollably in his sleep, she found it harder and harder not to wake him up
In truth, she was worried about him. She shook him slightly in order to wake him up but he didn't. She was about to shake him again, but she didn't get as far as touching him as he sprang up into sitting position, panting heavily
In surprise, Lily fell to the floor next to him, staring at him in amazement. James on the other hand was still breathing hard and fast, his eyes fixed on the wall across from him, his heart pounding, and pain soaring through his veins to his back. It took him a few moments to even his breathing as he tried to recall his nightmare. The only thing he could remember was, his brother's bloodshot eyes as he stepped in front of him, to block that curse and His high pitched laugh
"James?" Lily's voice broke through to him. Lily was watching him closely and at the sight of him visibly stiffening, her heart couldn't her but clench at his actions. His heat snapped to her
"Lily?" he asked still in a daze
"James!" she exclaimed relieved, "are you ok? You were beginning to scare me"
"How long have you been here?" was the first thing he asked her when his eyes were able to focus, his voice very much alert
"What? About five minutes. Why?" she questioned
"What are you doing down here?" he asked again ignoring her questions
"James are you ok?" she repeated her question
"I'm fine. I'm fine. What are you doing down here so early?" he confirmed in a softer tone. Lily looked over him with a studious stare
"Well, I always wake up at around six thirty in the morning. Today I just woke up a bit earlier, first day and all, and I came down stairs to find you sleeping on the couch. Then you started shaking a bit so I came to wake you up but it seemed that I didn't have to as you woke up on your own" she trailed off lamely, knowing full well that neither of them believed a word she said
"Right. Thanks" James whispered awkwardly. He slowly began to get up from the couch. Lily placed a hand over his as if to stop him. It worked
"James, I know that – that we aren't the best of friends at the moment, but I just want you to know that if there's anything bothering you that I would be – you know – here to listen to you. That is if you would ever want to talk to me about anything, but-" she rambled, embarrassed that she was telling James this, but James cut her off, by placing his other hand on hers and smiling slightly down at her
"Thanks, Lily. I appreciate it," he told her sincerely, "really I do. But there's nothing I need to talk about" he added, diverting his eyes from hers. Stabs of pain shot through his hands at his words and he slowly took his hands away as he stood. With a final smile he turned around to go to his dormitory
"You can't keep everything inside you James. But when you feel like you need to talk, come to me, or even one of your other friends. Please" Lily said to his retreating back.
James stopped walking for a moment at her voice, then shook his head and continued on his way up the stairs muttering something about 'people always saying that to him'
Lily plopped down on the couch, subconsciously lying over James' warmth. She closed her eyes as she inhaled his scent of cinnamon and aftershave. He really did smell nice, she thought. Her eyes snapped open and she sprang up into sitting position
"What the hell am I thinking?" she muttered loudly. She mentally slapped herself for thinking that. What the hell was wrong with her? First she stutters and blushes in front of him, then she gets worried about him, then she likes the smell of him? No. Way!
She shook her head vigorously and brought her hands to her hair. As her hands passed her eyes, they caught sight of something. She looked at her hands closely to see
"Blood?" she voiced her question. She smelt it and the smell of metal shot through her nose and she cringed. She looked down at the couch and noticed a long but thin line of what she thought was blood. Her head shot up to James' room
"No" she whispered in disbelief. She was about to go to talk to him when she paused to consider the prospect that he might not want to talk about any of this with her. She didn't manage to make up her mind as James came out of his room dressed in his school robes
"I'm going to breakfast, are you coming?" he asked in what was supposed to be a casual voice, but actually sounded very nervous. Lily wondered if the man in front of her was in deed cutting himself or if the blood came from a normal wound. When she began to think about it more, she wondered where the cut was, under all those clothes
"Lily?" James repeated. She snapped her head up to his eyes and she saw him look questioningly at her. She urged herself not to blush and she nodded
"Yea. I just have to change" she muttered softly
"Ok. Do you want me to wait for you?" he asked almost shyly
"If you want. But you really should go to breakfast, as you didn't eat anything last night. You need your strength you know" she told him, concerned. He looked at her, with a glint of amusement in his eyes
"Lily, are you really worried about me or are you just trying to get rid of me?" he teased. Lily playfully hit his shoulder, praising herself for not blushing in front of him
"No you dolt. I'm just merely stating the fact that you didn't eat last night and you must be hungry. You don't have to wait for me to go eat" she tried to cover up
"Right. I'll wait for you if you don't mind then, my flower. I'm not that hungry to tell you the truth" he told her, smiling slightly at her words. He knew she was trying to cover something up
"How can you not be hungry? I ate last night and I'm starving? You really should eat James, you've lost a lot of weight" she observed. She wondered if he looked even skinnier without so many of his clothes on. She mentally punched herself; "What the hell am I bloody thinking????"
"Yea, well I'm just not that hungry these days. So I'll wait for you flower?" he asked her. Lily could only nod as she spun around fast and almost ran to her dormitory
"Ok" was all James could say at her strange behaviour
Lily barged into her room, finally allowing herself to blush until one could not separate her hair from her skin. What was she doing? Since when had she been acting like that in front of him? Since when had she had those thoughts about him?
She shook her head, running her hands through her hair, before looking around for her school robes.
James didn't have to wait long for Lily to get ready as she came out only 10 minutes later, but it gave him enough time to think about things. As Lily had rushed to her room he couldn't help but stare after her and wonder what the hell was happening
He really didn't know what was happening between them and it was only the first da at school. She had never looked at him the way she had done the night before or even just now; like she was thinking something she shouldn't have been. If this was what was going to happen in his first day back, he really didn't want to see what would follow, despite the fact that he had a slight idea
Ever since his parents and sister had died, people he barely knew would come and give him condolences on his loss. As if they knew him! As if they knew what he felt! As he passed people in the corridors the day before, he received nothing but pity and sympathy. He hated it! Even the teachers would look at him like that
His hands balled into fists at the thought of going through his final year with nothing but sympathy from anyone. The only people that had acted as normal as possible around him were the Marauders, Lily Evans and Frank Longbottom, who knew what it was really like to watch someone you loved die
He heard Lily's door open and turned around to see her. A jolt passed through his heart as he noticed how beautiful she looked, but he smiled nonetheless and offered her his arm, to which she smiled and accepted shyly
As James led them out the portrait hole, he decided not to acknowledge the pity that was shown to him, whether from a student or a teacher
Sirius made his way down to breakfast with Remus and Peter, but unlike all the other times they had made the same route, he was quiet as he regarded his best friend's behaviour the day before
He knew what was going through his mind, albeit only vaguely. He didn't want other people's pity, just like he didn't when he had run away from his house. James had always been the one to hide his feelings, the one that tried to solve every problem that existed on his own, and his way of dealing with everyone else's sympathy was to act as normal as possible
As he entered the Great Hall, his eyes fell on his best friend talking to his favorite redhead and smiling, but he knew him much better than that. His eyes were flickering around the room, observing everyone and his foot was tapping in an irregularly fast pace; a clear sign that he was irate, or on the way of becoming so
"Merlin help us" he whispered softly as he made his way over to them
He sat opposite James, along with Remus and Peter, who seemed to be sensing James' agitation as well and sat a bit further away. Sirius become aware of the looks that James was receiving and immediately understood his resentment and glared to the students, and continued his breakfast in silence. That was until Professor McGonagall came up to them asking for James
She hated doing this. She really didn't know why Professor Dumbledore always chose her to do these kind of things, something between being his favorite teacher and his Head of House. She snorted loudly and glanced at the boy – no man – walking beside her. He really does look like his father she thought with a sigh
"Potter" she said, as they were a good way away from the Great Hall and turned to him
"Professor" he replied almost bitterly. This was going to be very hard, she knew. He was getting very angry, very fast
"James," the transfiguration teacher sighed, getting his full attention, "I knew your parents personally, and I would like to give you my condolences before anything" she told him truthfully. He looked at her expressionless
"Thank you Professor" he said in a tone that matched his gaze
"I see you are still grieving, James, and I am beginning to agree with Professor Dumbledore about this arrangement" she continued in a low voice. James quirked an eyebrow at her
"Professor?" he asked equally slowly. This was the hard part
"Professor Dumbledore and I, James, have come to the agreement that you shall take at least three days in order to adjust to the Hogwarts environment, and for students to stop bothering you" she concluded
"But Professor" James began to object, but the aging teacher raised her hand in front of him to stop him
"No Potter. Those are the Headmaster's orders and I suggest you follow them" she instructed before leaving in a huff
Lily walked alone to the Transfiguration classroom, thinking about James and Professor McGonagall. Since they had left together, James hadn't been seen, despite the reappearance of the Professor with in the hall, looking rather pale and Lily couldn't help but think that something was terribly wrong
"Enter the class in an orderly manner if you please!" Professor McGonagall barked
Slowly but noisily, the class entered and took their seats. Remus and Sirius sat near the windows at the back of the class, whilst Peter and Lily sat next to them respectively. She subconsciously looked around for James but when she couldn't find him she turned to ask Sirius, who in turn seemed to study her, closely
"Don't ask us, we were with you" he answered her unspoken question and turning to his bag. Lily stared at him in surprise wondering vaguely how he did that but shaking her head slightly, she turned to Professor McGonagall's direction and raised her hand
"Yes Miss Evans?" the Professor asked her as she tidied her desk up
"Where's James?" she inquire some sort worried. The class instantly went silent at he mention of James' name and stared at her in surprised. She had called him by his firs name. Twice.
Professor McGonagall on the other hand looked at her in mild surprise as if trying to hold back a smile
"Well Miss Evans, as Head Girl I bestow upon you, the permission to search for him" she told her honestly
"What?" Lily questioned, staring at her
"Well, Miss Evans, you are Head Girl, and he is Head Boy. I have granted him a pass for the next days, and as I am indeed worried, as I'm sure you are too, about where he has gone" she explained. Sirius stiffened at her words and looked outside the window
"Right. But I don't know where he is" Lily muttered timidly. Sirius turned away from the window
"Lake" he coughed in his hands, pretending to have a coughing fit
"There you go Miss Evans. To the lake it is. Thank you Mister Black" the Professor said monotonously, still gazing at Lily, who had turned to glare at Sirius. Sirius stared blankly at her with a small smile on his face
Lily couldn't help feel grateful towards him, as she really needed to see him, and perhaps ask him if he was cutting himself. Still pretending to be angry about being the one off to find James, she grumbled under her breath and stalked out the room
"Moony, you think she's getting a bit soft on Prongs?" was the last thing she heard before she shut the door
James sat at the edge of the lake just gazing at it, overflowing with anger. The pity that was given to him by everyone, including the teachers, was unwanted. They all stared at him like he was some kind of freak, someone who didn't have anyone left to turn to or anything else to do in his life
He took a stone that was lying next to him and threw it in the lake with all his power, and watched it fly across the sky and sink into the water. That's what he felt like at the moment; like he was sinking, falling.
He had come to Hogwarts wanting to start anew and although he knew it was going to be hard, but as he began settling in with that idea, people didn't look up to him with encouragement, but with pity and sympathy and false sorrow. That was enough to throw him off course. He threw in another stone.
Since he had returned to Hogwarts, all he felt like was drowning, sinking, and falling. No one would understand. Perhaps only Sirius, but he never got three days off out of pity for running away from those demented parents of his. He threw in another one, still watching it sink
He felt that he was falling deeper and deeper into depression with every glance that people would shoot him, something that he really didn't want to do, but he couldn't help it. Why didn't people just treat him like he was a normal human being, instead of someone who was about to break at any second?
"James?" a voice broke his thoughts and he looked up, only to come face to face with emerald eyes. A larger, more powerful jolt past through him, making him flinch visibly
"Are you ok?" Lily asked worriedly as she was him cringe
"Yea, yea, just surprised me, that's all," he lied quickly, "so what are you doing here?" he asked her in a low voice in which Lily could detect a trace of self – loathing
"Well, McGonagall, sent me to see if you're ok" she muttered, slightly shy. James grumbled
"Well, she's the one that sent me away, why would she be looking for me?" he mumbled darkly
"Why did she send you away?" Lily questioned interested, sitting down next to him
"Because, I'm supposed to be 'grieving', and to 'adjust' to the Hogwarts environment," he told her, equally dark, throwing another stone into the lake
"But that isn't fair. On you or anyone else. You're not the only one to lose your parents or your sister or have someone you love put in hospital. By doing that they probably diminished your self esteem" she exclaimed exasperatedly, James looked over at her, with an appreciate smile and nodded
"Yea, but how many in one blow?" he whispered more to himself than to anyone else. Lily felt her heart clench at his words and mentally slapping herself for not thinking
"What did she mean to adjust to the Hogwarts environment?" she asked lightly, to change the subject. James studied her through with a piercing gaze and sighed as he glanced back at the lake
"My sister was going to start this year. She was ten and got her letter that day. She was so excited," he whispered. He took another gasp of air as he tried to fight back the tears that were burning his eyes, "My brother was going to come teach; Defense Against the Dark Arts. He was really good at it actually. It was going to be the first time we were all going to be in school together" he whimpered the last part
Lily stared at him, a newfound understanding evolving inside her. She knew now why James didn't want other people's pity; he thought he didn't deserve it. but another thing was now bothering her
"James, why did you come back this year? Dumbledore said you weren't going to be coming" she asked him softly
"I really didn't see any point in coming back this year. We've learned everything we needed too and I already have a job lined up for me. My parents agreed to let me bail this year, but that was before my letter. When I became Head Boy, they refused to let me leave. We had a huge fight that morning, which led me into running up to my room," he whispered
"And what changed your mind?" Lily inquire genuinely interested as James lay on the grass and covered his eyes with his arm, after taking of his glasses
"My sister made me promise not to push my parents' buttons and she would try to convince them to let me stay, although she would really be proud if I was to accept the Head Boy position. Bryan, my brother, didn't get it so she managed to underline the greatness of being the only Head Boy in the family. After she died those words just seemed to haunt me so I decided to come here" he managed to say, his voice breaking as he continued.
Lily knew that this must really be hurting him, remembering his sister and his brother, along with his parents and she fought to keep her own tears at bay. How did he manage to live through that?
"So you only came to school this year so you can punish yourself?" her voice came out, surprising herself
James remained silent contemplating what Lily had said. It was amazing and scary at the same time to see how this girl could read him so easily. She had only heard part of what happened that night and by hearing it, she had managed to figure him out. He thought about what she had said and despite the fact that he had known the real reason why he had return to school, from her it sounded so much simpler and in fact true
"James, you can't blame yourself for what happened. You weren't there so you shouldn't feel like you have to be punished about it. I'm glad you decided to come back here this year, really I am, but I honestly don't think you should have done it for anyone but you" she told him sincerely
James stared at her in wonder. This woman in front of him, barely even spoke to him before this year, and now, at is hardest, most lowest point, when everyone else gave him pity, she gave him strength and confidence to face at least part of the pain he was feeling. Not knowing what to say, he turned around again and gazed at the lake
"I'm glad I came" he whispered to the air and Lily smiled at his words. She was most definitely glad he had come as well
For hours to come, they sat there in silence, sometimes making small talk, learning more about each other, while students within the castle continued on with their classwork and their own lives, oblivious to the growing friendship outside
Somewhere between lunch and dinner they had decided to head back to the castle, as they were growing steadily hungry, at least Lily was. James only smiled and small mischievous glint appeared in his eyes, giving her a sign that the old James was still there and walked with her back to the castle
As they approached the Entrance Door, Professor Dumbledore appeared in front of them, as if waiting for them. He glanced between them and flashed a slight grin at them, and before either James or Lily could respond, he spoke
"James, I have just received news that you may find thrilling" he told him. James studied him
"Professor?" he questioned the old man. The Headmaster smiled at him, knowing that he would like the news
"Your brother has awaken" was all he said as he turned around to make his way to his office, both Lily and James following him in a fast pace
Thank yous:
Areanna I'm glad you liked the story so far and I hope you still do as it progresses
Myobgirly I've got great plans for this story so rest assured that it wont be finishing anytime soon heh
Revi Yup, and the next chapter will bring him within him another change that will be interesting to witness and will cause his relationship with Lily to shake a bit and wake he up a bit heh
Lady of Masbolle Heh, glad you liked it. I actually think that the English language has run out of adjectives heh.
DracozFallenAngel Thank you. And yes she is, although she doesn't know it yet. Nope, not even after this chapter, but all in good time, you'll see what I have in store for them
Lilbird thanks, glad you enjoy it till now
Flying-piggy-123 thanks again heh. Well someone will be trying to help him but there's more to come in the next chapter. Something is revealed that will shake the Marauders, Lily and a few of the Professors, but that's not for another three weeks, or more. I'm happy to hare that I've got someone addicted to one of my stories heh
Living In A Nightmare I will answer it. Of course you're not. Stories with a dark James and full of angst are just perfect for me too. Have you read Unexpected Happenings? It also has a angsty James in it and it's nicely written as well. Well thank you for your kind words and I do realise that I have serious grammar mistakes, as my teacher never fails to point out, and I really do suck at them.
Child-of-Scorpio does it really come as such as surprised? I really do like your reviews as they make my day. And just so you know, I don't have the patient of a saint, ask anyone, I just enjoy long and friendly reviews, to which I can relate. Another thing we have in common. My name means the listener, which of course is quite the opposite of me as I usually do the talking and when someone does end up doing the talking I kind of have the attention span of a pea. If peas actually have attention spans, in that case, try of a cat. But does that make sense? Who cares? Anyway, its true. I went for a job interview, and the guy there told me they were looking for someone older and then moved on to tell me why, but I was counting the cracks in the ceiling (19). I'm glad I have I partner in crime now, who uses axes, goes on the internet when the 'enemy' says not to (you're not the only one I can tell you that) and fight the enemy! Anyway I have to go 'cos its quarter to eleven at night here and I have to fix my suit case before I go to bed. I have very early flight to catch tomorrow so bye and I hope you liked the chapter
A/N well there you go, another chapter. This perhaps has been a bit of a pointless as it doesn't show much about anything. I actually only needed a chapter like this so I can introduce the next chapter, where a lot of things will be happening, and a lot of angst occurs. But either way, tell me what you think
Dictionary: status quo - the current state of being