Broken Hearts
By Gasha Aisu
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam wing...
How could I have been so stupid? Why did I think we could have been more then friends? I should have known from the beginning. Why did I hope he could love me, the way I loved him? Of course he loved me, as a friend. I never knew that word could be so horrible. I was a cheerful person yet I found it hard to smile. Why did he have to say it in front of me, and with others around!
"Duo, do you love Hilde?" Dorothy suddenly asked. Her question was out of the blue, so silence settled itself in the group of friends. I could feel my blood run faster, and the same feeling when I rushed in battle settled over me. But this was no battle. And I had no influence what's so ever. Duo smiled cheerfully and we all were waiting for his answer.
"Of course I do!" he exclaimed, and I could feel my mouth open in surprise. But before I could do or say anything he continued. "She's one my best friends, you guys are all like my family"
Friend...family even. So he could only see me like...like a...sister or something? I could feel tears building up but I pushed them down and forced a smile. "Right, Hilde?" he asked me, and I could almost feel the stares of our friends on me.
"Of course Duo" I replied cheerfully. But I wasn't as good at faking my emotions as the pilots, Dorothy and Relena were. "Excuse me" he managed to get out. And I just ran...
Of course I couldn't leave the party. Duo and I shared an apartment, so we came together in his car. I felt sick. So I ran to the gardens. Cold air rushed past me but I didn´t care.
Duo didn´t love me, and I just realised that I did...I love Duo...
So here I am. Holding back tears, and sitting on Relena´s fountain.
"Hilde?" I hear Relena call behind me, and I turn to face my best friend.
"I love him" I tell her, knowing I can trust her.
"I know" she sadly replies.
"I love the baka" I repeat and try to smile. Tears are threatening to fall, and Relena rushed to me. She put her arms around me and I can't hold back anymore. I'm just not that strong. I grab Relena´s dress as I literally cry on her shoulder. She shushes me, and rocks me as a child. I do not know how long I cry, but eventually I stop.
"I'm weak" I apologise and smile embarrassed. Relena only smiles sadly at me. "No you're not, everybody cries Hilde. Hell, do you know how often I cry at night because I know Heero doesn't love me?" she asks me. I only blink in surprise. Relena cries? Of course she does, she´s only human, I realise. I smile at her, somehow relieved that I found someone who understands my pain. Suddenly I also realise it's the first time Relena openly confesses that she loves Heero, everyone knows it. But none have heard her say it.
"Some say Heero loves you" I tell her whiping my tears away.
Relena looks away, I've never seen her this vulnerable.
"Some say Duo loves you to" she replies, staring at her reflection in the water. I nod in understanding and direct my gaze at my own reflection.
"Sometimes I just wonder you know?" she speaks up, breaking the silence.
"Wonder what?" I ask quietly, feeling comfortable in the companionship that Relena and I share.
"If I'm such a horrible person, to deserve such a fate. Or that I'm not good enough for him" she answers. I shake my head, and look in her eyes through the water. "I know how you feel, I wonder the same thing...sometimes" I tell her glad to get it of my chest, "mostly when Duo comments about how much he values our friendship. But I know it's not true, not with you nor me" Relena nods in understanding. We're silent again.
"Why didn´t you come to me?" this time it's me who breaks the silence.
Relena looks up in confusion and I look back at her.
"Why did you suffer al alone? Why didn´t you come to me, why didn´t you let me help you?" I ask. Relena sighed and looked at the stars.
"I didn´t think you would understand. I'm sorry Hilde...I guess I was afraid, they seem more real now...my feelings, I think" she answers. I look up and wait for her to continue. She doesn't. Finally noticing my questioning look she explains.
"It just seemed unreal. As if it was just a crush, a thing that would pass. I mean, we didn't meet under normal circumstances. I thought maybe it would be just a silly girlish crush I could laugh about later" her voice drifted off in the end, as if she was lost in thought. I had a feeling there would be more to follow, so I silently urged her to continue. "But it isn't" she finally continues, "I really know him, and the feelings I have when he's around...they're overwhelming. Surreal even. He doesn't even have to say anything, his presence is enough. Hell, I'll even be happy if he was mad at me, yelling at me, just because I would know he'll notice me."
"You understand?" she asks me, obviously needing to be assured. I nod silently.
"It's exactly how I feel" I tell her softly, and it is. The way she described it...as if she felt my feelings, I guess we we're in the same place then.
"It's hell, you know?" I start, suddenly needing to get it al of my chest, "every day I see him. Hell, I live with the guy. His smiles, his touches. His like a drug, I just need to be with him"
Relena nods, she feels the same I know. "And he doesn't even know it! He knows me so well, he can read me like a book! And yet...he knows nothing" I rant, feeling angry although I don't know what for. Tears are threatening to fall again but I don't care. Relena is the only one listening anyway and she understands, she understands. "It's like he doesn't even care for me sometimes! Like, I'm just a sister, one who could never be more. Just a friend" I spat bitterly. "Like..."I can't go on, I can't seem to find the words.
"Like you're not even a woman, and never can be more than just a friend" she finishes for me. I nod. "And it hurts" I tell her, heart broken. Relena nods and hugs me again. I cling at her, I wish I got her strength. I close my eyes and let her friendship and compassion wash over me.
I let go of Relena. Her eyes are watery as well. We both have broken hearts...
"It hurts like hell" she agrees. We look at the stars again, the sounds of the garden put me at ease, somehow the smell and sounds make the pain somewhat bearable.
"How do you do it?" I ask her and turn to face her once again, "how do you go on, when...when it hurts so much?" Relena smiles bitterly. "I don't"
Her answer surprises me, she seems to feel my surprise as she refuses to look at me.
"I pretend" she states, "I really don't recommend it, it only makes it harder. Makes it hurt more...although that's near to impossible. It hurting more I mean, nothing can compare to the loneliness, the emptiness sometimes" I frown. Her voice is without emotion and it confuses me. I guess that's how she protects herself...a fake smile, covered emotions. Why didn't I realise it sooner?
"Duo's smiles are fake to...sometimes" I tell her, it's the only way I know to tell her I understand.
"I know" she says and her bitter smile returns, "It takes one to know one, I guess Duo knows mine are fake to" I frown.
"Why do you do it?" I ask, I really don't understand why anybody would do that on free will.
"The people don't need a depressed unstable person" she tells me, her eyes seem dead. "And like I said, it seems unreal, not only the overwhelming emotions when he's near, but the hurt to when I realise he doesn't feel the same way" she ads in afterthought. I nod, it seems like a Relena thing to do, and I feel the hurt to, but I will never pretend, it...just doesn't seem right to me.
"Talking should help, we can share the pain" I state suddenly. Truth is, I don't want to go through it alone, like Relena did.
"Yes, we can. And we will, right?" Relena asks me, her voice suddenly warm again, but uncertain at the same time. I smile warmly at her, well as warm as I can manage right now, and nod.
Suddenly I realised something. Faking emotions, Relena was faking emotions. It felt almost like betrayal.
"You know, I always hate it when Duo fakes his emotions" I speak up suddenly. Relena looks at me, a sad expression sets itself on her face. "I don't like it at all!" I don't know why I'm angry all of the sudden, but I turn to her anyway.
"He keeps his pain to himself and it hurts, almost as much as the fact that he doesn't love me. Its a sign that he doesn't trust me enough to reveal his real emotions, or that he thinks I'm not strong enough to handle it" Tears are flowing again, but I ignore them. Relena's silent, just waiting for me to continue.
"You're as bad as he is" I whisper, hurt evidence in my voice, "I don't understand, I cry when I'm sad, I smile when I'm happy, why do you have to… to... It feels like... like..." I don't complete me sentence, I don't have the strength to do so.
"Say it" I hear her, her voice broken.
"It feels like betrayal" I tell her, and look away again.
Were silent once again. It's strange, normally we would have been laughing and enjoying the party. At least I know and not suspect that Relena is hurting more than she leads on.
"I guess you just handle it differently. And if I could, I would have done the same. But the war and political games, scarred me more than you realise. I'll keep smiling although my heart bleeds" her calm voice breaks the silence. I snort.
"Yeah well, it still is betrayal to me" I tell her, and immediately regret my words. I dare not to look at her, I know she's hurt.
"I'm sorry Hilde" she tells me, and I know she is, I can hear it in her voice.
"It's ok, just don't, don't do it again will you? At least, not to me" I respond, and turn to look at her again. She nods, and offers me a sad smile. I return one of my own.
"I guess I should move out now" I tell her, and she looks surprised.
"Why?" she asks, and her eyes show confusion.
"I can't live with him now!" I yell, confused myself as to why Relena doesn't understands, "not now that I know he doesn't love me the way I love him, hell I'm in love with the guy"
"Why not?"
I blink, surprised once again.
"Because... because... I... I... just can't!" I blurt out.
"Don't you want to be with him?" Relena wonders out loud. And I realise what she means. She told me after all.
He doesn't even have to say anything, his presence is enough. Hell, I'll even be happy if he was mad at me, yelling at me, just because I would know he'd notice me.
"Of course I do Relena, and I didn't think I would ever leave Duo but…" I sigh it's clear to me now. "I'll just be in his way, he's better of without me" I refuse to let the tears fall again, and I even close my eyes to hold them back. Relena grabs my hand, a silent gesture.
"Don't leave me"
My eyes open in shock. There is Duo, the most serious and sad expression on his face. His voice had sounded so...so...sad, desperate even. Relena stands up, and smiles encouraging to me before saying she'll leave us alone. I watch her walk away before I look a Duo. Only to look away again, almost immediately.
"Go away Duo, I don't want to talk to you" I tell him, honest as ever. God, is it just me? Or is my voice really that...that...heart broken?
"Don't leave me Hilde. Promise you won't leave me" he begs, ignoring my command.
"Why do you care?" I spat bitterly. I refuse to look at him, I can't. Did I mention, he hurt me?
Duo's eyes softened and he made a move to sit besides me, but something stopped him. And he bit his lower lip, in a nervous gesture.
"You know I do, Hilde"
God, his voice is so soft. As if he's afraid I'll run away if it's too loud. What does he feel?
"Actually, I don't Duo. All I know is that you don't love me the way I want you to"
Were did that came from? Since when do I sound so bitter? Is he really capable of breaking me? Of course he is...You're in love with him, you fool.
"Hilde..."
His voice is as a soft caress. And I shiver, but I refuse to look at him. What is he doing here anyway? Shouldn't he be disgusted by now?
"Hilde, look at me"
Like hell I'm gonna look at him! I can't, I know I won't be able to stand the look in his eyes. I don't want to cry, not in front of him...Funny, it never bothered me before. But I never told him I loved him either. A cool hand grabs my chin and Duo forces me to look at him.
"I made you cry, God I can be so stupid sometimes" he whispers. His thumb wipes my tears away, I didn't even notice them fall.
"It's not you're fault Duo" I tell him, and try to smile, "I'm the fool who fell in love with her best friend"
Duo's eyes widen, as if he can't believe it. As if me saying it makes it real.
"I'm in love too Hilde" he tells me. I blink, he's what?!
"I-I love you, I was to scared to admit it back there. God, if only I did, I made you cry. I'm sorry Hilde"
I can't help but grin, although tears are still falling.
"Come here you dope"
I grab him and I forget the world around us. God, he's a good kisser, I always thought he would be but now I know. And he's mine.
Somewhere in the shadows Relena smiles, happy for her friend. And turns to go back to her lonely life. For the perfect soldier doesn't love her, does he?
the end
did ya like it? I hope you did
untill next time!
Gasha Aisu