As I proof read this, I realized I swiped a line from "The Heartbreak". You'll recognize it.

I'm sparing the angst and spoiling the "Storymom" because she threatened to hurt me. Ooh, baby...

Chapter Twenty Two.

The whirring and clicking of the dialyzer allowed Sandy to fall into a restless sleep. Ryan had been in the ICU for 2 days, still unconscious. Arrangements had been made to airlift him to HOAG Presbyterian as soon as he was stable.

Even as his body started to relax and his eyes close, Sandy's brain refused to rest. In his nightmares, he saw himself hitting Ryan again and again.

Cornering him in the pool house.

Unleashing his rage.

He watched as Ryan crumpled, broken, whispering "Why...?"

Finding himself in the morgue staring at a battered young man, not much older than a child.

Ryan.

"Why?" The morgue attendant asked.

"Why?" John Rueben asked.

"Why?" Came a soft murmur from a lifeless body...

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Sandy woke up with a violent jolt, his heart pounding, trying to draw in a deep breath. Pushing the recliner upright, he looked over at the bed where Ryan lay unmoving except for the slight rise and fall of his chest. His left hand, heavily bandaged, rested on a pillow. IV lines snaked from overhead, one into his right hand, one disappearing under the blanket. Tubes leading to the dialyzer were implanted in Ryan's neck. An oxygen mask covered the lower half of his face. Monitors displayed his respiration rate, blood, heart and lung pressures. Sandy gently ran the back of his fingers down the boy's cheek, reassuring himself that Ryan was still there... still alive.

"Sandy...?"

The weary man looked up. Captain Jim Matthews stood in front of him, in full "God Armour", holding 2 cups of coffee...

"Hey... uh, hi.... How did you.....?"

Sandy struggled to form a coherent sentence. The Salvation Army Chaplain handed him a paper cup and sat down in a chair.

"Roger called me. He met you at Ryan's apartment yesterday..."

Yesterday... Thursday... Sandy and Seth had gone to the apartment to pack up Ryan's things.

Roger... A large blond man asking about Ryan. Sandy vaguely remembered the introduction.

Roger... Ryan's boss.

Roger...Telling him that Ryan is a good kid.

Roger... Offering to take care of the dog... The one sharing Ryan's wardrobe.

Roger... Shaking his hand and keeping Ryan in his prayers.

"Yeah, right... Thanks for coming..."

Captain Matthews slid his jacket off, removed his cap and loosened his tie.

"The full uniform gets me access to the hospital 24/7. It's almost as good as a "Catholic Collar"..." He looked over at the still figure in the bed. "How's Ryan...?"

Sandy wrapped his hands around the coffee cup.

"His doctor tells me he's doing as well as can be expected. His fever's going down, blood pressure is starting to return to normal, his infection is beginning to clear up..."

"But?"

Sandy reached over and pulled Ryan's blanket up a little higher.

"He still hasn't woken up. The doctor's say it's the pain meds and his body is overwhelmed. That it's... normal, but I need to see him awake..."

"How are you holding up?" The chaplain eased open the lid of his coffee.

Sandy shrugged.

"I'm not sure... I just keep thinking that... Oh hell... I don't know what I'm thinking anymore..."

Jim ignored the epithet. Sandy's feelings of guilt radiated from him. Sandy looked at Ryan again. He spoke quietly.

"If I hadn't... If I didn't.... hit him, Ryan wouldn't have left... "This" wouldn't have happened..."

"Sandy, you can't make this about you..."

The lawyer's head moved quickly back to the Captain. Sandy shook his head.

"I'm not... It's not.... The thing with Ryan is that when things have gotten rough, everybody abandons him and that night when I... when uh, I hit him, I did... I did the same thing..."

An alarm on the dialyzer startled the 2 men. A moment later a nurse came in, turned off the machine, removed the lines and capped the dialysis catheter. She checked the levels in Ryan's IVs and discretely emptied the bag connected to the Foley catheter. Straightening out the blankets, she smiled at Sandy.

"Ryan's doing fine, Mr. Cohen... Is there anything I can get for you "

"No... Thank you Martha... Thanks for looking out for Ryan..."

"I'm at the desk if you need anything.

Sandy played with the rim of his coffee cup, unrolling the tight paper lip as if he were looking for a prize winner.

"Sandy, you're not responsible for Ryan being here..."

"Don't say that." He snapped, crushing the empty cup. "I AM responsible... It IS my fault..."

"Stop it! That night may have been the catalyst for Ryan leaving, but it was his choice..."

"What, so now it's his fault...?"

"Sandy, you're not listening." Captain Jim stated in exasperation. "It's not your fault. It's not Ryan's fault. Ryan decided his only option that night was to leave. He made the choice not to call you after day one, day two. For whatever reason, he didn't call. Maybe he was scared. Afraid you were happy he was gone... That you did abandon him. But you didn't. He didn't come back to you, so you went to find him, to bring him back. You left your home, your job. You did the best you could. You found him... You never stopped looking..."

"Ryan wouldn't... He... Tuesday, he barely talked to me. We went out to dinner. My wife, Seth... The four of us. Ryan wouldn't look me in the eye..."

Sandy looked back at Ryan. Jim waited for Sandy to turn around. He spoke softly.

"Did you really expect everything to go back to the way it was before all this? It can never "go back", but you can take another chance. This will either destroy you or you walk through the fire and come out a better person and a stronger family."

"He could have died..." Sandy whispered. "How am I supposed to reconcile that? It all comes back to what I did..."

Jim got up from his chair.

"You are clearly the most stubborn man I've ever met. Where do you think Ryan would be if you and your wife hadn't taken him in, made him a part of your family? Things may have all worked out with his mother. Maybe his mother would be sober, holding down a job. Ryan might have been working towards a college scholarship, but more than likely, he would have ended up in jail or living who knows where..."

"Ryan's always had to take care of himself. Dawn Atwood was incapable of caring for anyone but Dawn Atwood." Sandy said with an edge to his voice.

Captain Jim sat down again and stared straight into Sandy's eyes.

"For the last year he's been with your family, your life has been so much richer. So has his. Not materially. I can tell that "stuff" doesn't hold a lot of importance to you. Family does and if you keep second guessing yourself and looking backwards, you're going to end up walking into a brick wall and I gotta tell you, that's going to leave a mark..."

The room was silent except for the occasional beep from the monitors over Ryan's bed. Sandy drew in a deep breath and slowly exhaled.

"You sure you're not Jewish, 'cause I think you just made me feel guilty for feeling guilty?"

The chaplain smiled.

"My boss is a Jewish carpenter..."

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It was 10 am, Friday morning when Kirsten and Seth arrived back at the hospital. Kirsten and Sandy engaged in a long embrace while Seth had his 10 minute visit with Ryan. They walked hand in hand down the corridor.

"I've got everything packed up. The hotel staff loved the flowers... Seth will drive you home... You look beat..."

Sandy nodded in agreement.

"I am. It'll be good to get home. It'll be even better when we're all home..."

"I know." Kirsten put her arm around her husband's waist. "Ryan's being airlifted back to Newport at 4. He'll be at Hoag by 4:30. I'll leave as soon as the helicopter does. I'll be at the hospital by 10-10:30 and then you can go home and get some sleep."

"You know he hates heights..."

Kirsten smiled.

"I'm not planning on telling him about his first helicopter ride. I just wish I could go with him... You know, in case he wakes up... In case he needs us..."

"Oh, that boy needs us. Maybe he doesn't realize it, but he needs us as much as we need him and when he wakes up he's going to have no choice but to listen to us..."

Kirsten raised an eyebrow. Sandy kissed her and continued.

"This whole liberal tree hugger thing that you found so irresistible is over. I'm now going to be a fascist potentate... Lord of the Manor...Oh, shit.... I'm going to turn into your father..."