Damn, I thought I'd have this story done by now, but I just couldn't seem to wrap it up. It's my baby and I can't let go. I need to start thinking about another story so I can finish this one. Sounds weird, I know… but that's why you love me. I make the rest of you seem a little less weird.

Josh, if you don't start rolling the angst train soon, we're going to have to take the show away from you. Thanks for the fluff and floss, but we need the angst, dammit! Until I get another raise, the show and characters still belong to you. I would never, cough ever, infringe on your right of ownership… Except where I borrowed a few lines from the episodes. SSssshhhh . It'll be our secret.

Chapter Twenty Four

Ryan opened his eyes to a haze of pain and grogginess. Shards of glass twisted in his hand, impaling him. The rustling of a newspaper cut through the fog. He turned towards the noise.

Seth.

Coffee, bagel, Arts and Leisure.

He tried to clear his throat. Seth peered over the top of his paper.

"Not exactly the most auspicious start to Seth/Ryan time, but I'll take it. Here… Hold on a sec…"

Seth found the control for the bed and raised the head of it. He then poured a cup of water from the pitcher on the bedside table and handed it to Ryan. A shaky hand managed to bring the cup to his mouth. Draining the glass, he handed it back to Seth and looked at his surroundings.

Fuck…

He brought his hand up and felt the nasal canula.

"Yeah, you were pretty sick…"

Ryan looked confused. Anger tightened across his chest. He wasn't sick. They did this to him.

"Sick? Pool house…. We were… Your dad…" He grew angrier. His thoughts disoriented. "You thought… Me and Summer…"

His brain recollected partial images. Seth. Accusing him. Hitting him. Sandy's words of condemnation. His fist…

"Ryan?"

"Go home Seth… Back to Newport. I don't need you here…"

It was Seth's turn to look confused. He thought things were okay between them. Ryan said they were good. Why was he so angry now?

"We are in Newport. Mom and Dad brought you back when you got sick….."

"GET OUT!" Ryan yelled as loud as his raspy voice would allow. They lied . The Cohens lied to him. They said he could stay in Carmichael. Seth watched as his brother pulled the IV from his hand. He frantically pressed the call button.

"Don't do this man… C'mon, calm down…" He tried to prevent Ryan from yanking out the tube in his chest.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!!!"

Seth took a step back, his hands raised. A nurse entered the room. Quickly taking in the situation, she motioned for Seth to leave while she focused on calming Ryan down.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kirsten waited outside Ryan's hospital room. She had given up reading and pacing. She had just stepped out of the shower when Seth called. Running a comb through her wet hair she quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, scribbling a note for Sandy before she left. Arriving at HOAG she met Seth in the hallway. She managed to piece together what had happened. Her older son had inherited his verbosity from his father and nothing was ever quick and to the point. Now Seth, his words gone, looked at her . Silently pleading with her to make everything alright. It was the same desperate look he had after visiting Ryan in juvenile detention last year. The same look when he realized Ryan had left them. The look that believed she could fix anything.

Kirsten convinced Seth to go home. He believed her when she told him everything would be okay. The trust of a child. Despite the fact that he was nearly an adult, Seth still held onto a child-like faith in his parent's ability to right all wrongs. She wondered how young Ryan was when that belief had been shattered.

The door finally opened, Dr. Langille approached Kirsten.

"Ryan's fine. He's still a little upset, but he's calmer. He pulled out his IV, so we re-inserted it. His temperature is back up again, but that's to be expected for the next few days. His hand looks good and we're hoping to stitch it up tomorrow. I gave him his pain meds, so he's probably a little sleepy now." Catching Kirsten's concerned look the doctor added. "Your son's blood pressure is still low, but we'll be taking him off dialysis as soon as his treatment is finished. His kidneys have started working again and I'm positive there's no permanent damage."

Kirsten smiled at the good news. It would make it easier to do what she needed to

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ryan's eyes remained closed as Kirsten stared involuntarily at the blood filled tubes that ran from the dialyzer to her son's neck. She sat in a chair beside the bed and looked at him. The dark circles encompassing his eyes stood out in contrast to his pale skin. Skin that 5 days ago had a healthy bronze tint to it. She reached over to feel his forehead, her heart sinking as he flinched away from her touch.

When Ryan opened his eyes, there was no mistaking the fury in them. They were definitely speaking to her and she was going to listen.

"Why did you bring me back here…?"

Kirsten resisted reaching out to him. She pictured her hand holding his. The mental image would have to sustain her.

"This is where you belong… Here with us…"

"You just don't get it. I don't want to be with you. I don't belong here. Just leave…." He finished his statement with a whispered, heartbreaking "please". The tubes in his neck made it impossible for him to turn away from Kirsten. He closed his eyes and willed himself not to open them again.

"You're right Ryan. I don't get it. Why are you shutting us out? Don't you know what you mean to us? I wish I could make you understand what your leaving did to this family…"

Ryan's eyes flew open despite his desire to keep them closed. Some of the anger had been replaced by sadness and resignation.

"I left because I didn't have a choice. It's just easier. It's better for all of us if I wasn't around…"

"That doesn't make sense…" Kirsten leaned in closer. "After everything we've been through this past year…"

"Kirsten… Don't… I don't want…"

"No… uh-uh…. You don't get to make the decisions anymore. I don't know what's going on inside your head, but hear me well young man. You are a part of this family and if you won't fight for it, I'll do it for you. Sandy will. Seth will. We won't lose you again…"

Kirsten bent down and kissed Ryan on the forehead. This time he didn't pull away.

"I want you to think about what I said. I'll be back in a minute…"

Kirsten left the room, tears welling up in her eyes. She wasn't going to cry in front of him.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ryan fought his own tears. Why were the Cohens making this so hard? Why wouldn't they let him go?

He'd get by on his own…

Just like before…

He swiped at his eyes, angry at himself for believing living with the Cohens could work.

Angry at the Cohens for allowing him to believe he had a chance.

All the hurt and disappointment in the people in his life who claimed to love and care for him boiled to the surface. He fucked up. He let down his guard. He wouldn't go through that again. He couldn't…

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kirsten sat in the waiting room trying to re-gather her thoughts. She left Ryan's room to give him time to digest what she had told him, but she also needed to try and decipher the mixed messages he'd been sending. In Carmichael, Ryan seemed happy to see them. Now he was trying to push them away. The pieces slowly fell into place.

She realized that he was pushing them away. He was afraid of being rejected.

Again.

Kirsten hadn't realized until that moment how much his mother's abandonment had affected him. Ryan had been so stoic, almost relieved when Dawn left, but now she knew what she perceived as stoicism was a heartbreak so deep that the only way he'd been able to deal with it was to bury it.

To tell himself it didn't matter.

He didn't matter.

Shit.

She'd been so caught up in trying to assimilate Ryan into their lifestyle, she'd forgotten what he'd lost.

His family.

His life.

Any hopes of a happy ending with his mother died with a sad smile and a wave. Instead of helping him deal with his loss they'd thrown him to the Newport sharks and expected him to swim.

Kirsten stood up, wiping her hands on her jeans. As she steeled herself for the next battle, a gentle hand touched her shoulder and a soft voice whispered "Hey.".

Reinforcements had arrived.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ryan took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. He tried to force himself to relax, mentally preparing himself for round two with the Cohens.

Control.

The one thing he could usually count on was his self-restraint.

Hard lessons learned in a relatively short life taught him well.

Living with the Cohens made him weak.

He allowed himself to get close to them.

Too close.

Sandy was right about one thing. He couldn't afford to be weak anymore.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sandy wasn't sure what he was going to say to Ryan. He prayed for wisdom and he prayed that Ryan would not only hear the words that would be said but also feel the love behind them. He held out his hand to Kirsten and put his hand on Seth's shoulder.

They could do this.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The dilaudid Dr. Langille gave Ryan had taken the edge off the pain, softening the outer limits of his thoughts.

Focus.

He needed to stay focused.

The inner voice that never shut up.

Speaking.

Reminding him how tired he was of being alone. Tired of always having to be strong, with only himself to rely on. He locked the voice of reason away. He couldn't allow himself to be hurt again. Every heartache and disappointment tearing away another piece of him.

Focus.

Break away.

It had to be easier than dealing with this.

He had to be strong.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sandy noticed how cold and empty Ryan's eyes were. A soft approach was not going to work. Kirsten and Seth stood at one corner of the bed, staying in Ryan's line of vision.

They were a family. All of them.

"You're coming home with us. Kirsten and I are legally responsible for you until you're 18. You're stuck with us as your family until your next birthday. And the day after that and everyday after that one…"

"Forget it… I don't want to hear it. I'm the one that fucked this up. I let down my guard. I let myself believe this could work, that I had a shot at something good. You just did what everyone always does…"

"Ryan…"

"NO!" Ryan tried to maintain his control.. "You say I don't talk enough so now I'm doing it… Listening is up to you…" He drew in a shaky breath. "I can't do this anymore… Always waiting for something else to happen… Waiting for you guys to clue in that it's not worth it…. I'm not worth it…"

Sandy got right into Ryan's face.

"You think you can mess up so bad that we'll just give up on you? You can't. You are a part of this family now and you're going to feel the full weight of that…"

"I don't want it!" Ryan screamed. "I don't want you!"

Sandy concentrated on the agitated boy on the bed. His son. And he was not going to lose him again.

"You're our son by choice. Not obligation. You're not some 'social experiment'. You're a part of us…"

"You lied to me!"

It took a moment for Sandy to realize what Ryan meant.

"I had every intention of keeping my promise to let you stay in Carmichael, even though I knew it was wrong…"

"So you waited until I couldn't stop you from taking me and now I'm supposed to trust you?"

Ryan tried to draw a deep breath. He managed a ragged intake of air, followed quickly by another. Kirsten quickly moved to the other side of the bed and sat down. She gently touched his cheek, carefully maneuvering her fingers around the dialysis tubes. She turned his face towards her.

"I'm sorry it's taken 17 years for you to realize that you're important. And not just to us. I'm sorry that your mom couldn't take care of you… That she left you. I wish I could take all the bad stuff away and show you that's not how a family's supposed to work. Sweetie… Sandy and I are not perfect, far from it, but we love you and that's the best we have to offer. Short of chaining you to a wall and telling you every 30 seconds, I don't know how to make you believe that. Whether you decide to leave us or not, you will always be a part of us. Our son. Like Sandy said… Our choice…"

Kirsten ran her fingers down Ryan's cheek.

"Maybe that's been part of the problem… We've never asked what you wanted…"