Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki.

Hansel and Gretel

Roles

Hansel - Son Goku

Gretel - Lirin

Woodcutter - Cho Hakkai

Woodcutter's wife - Sha Gojyo

Old Witch - Ni Jianyi

Narrator - Genjo Sanzo

The roles are given by our producer/director/script writer/prompter, Jiroushin.

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Hansel and Gretel

(Goku and Lirin)

The curtain is still down, but Sanzo is already narrating.

"In a wooden cabin at the edge of a forest," he said surly, "there lived a poor woodcutter and his wife. They had two brats - a baka saru named Hansel, and a girl baka saru, Gretel."

Sweatdrop. Everyone sweatdropped. Fortunately, Jiroushin had a little food poisoning and is currently at the men's room quite far away.

The curtain rose. Hakkai in a patched costume held an axe, smiling as usual. Goku and Lirin, also dressed in patched clothes, held a bunch of wood.

"Wife!" Hakkai called, smiling broadly. "We're back!"

The cardboard door set up opened by a very surly Gojyo. He had his red hair in braids and he wore a pink patched dress.

Hakkai, Goku and Lirin howled with laughter. So did the audience. Sanzo couldn't help but grinned.

"Say cheese!" Dokugakuji hissed from the side of the stage. There was a flash as he took a picture of his half brother.

"Times were very hard," Sanzo choked. "There was barely enough to eat."

The lights went off. It was night time.

"Brats - I mean - kids," Gojyo said through gritted teeth. "It's bedtime."

"Ah, hara hetta!" Goku said as he and Lirin went through the cardboard door.

"Good!" Jiroushin came back in time to see that part. "That's what I want! Goku just made the act more realistic when his stomach growled!"

The cardboard door banged shut behind them. The set up groaned and fell, narrowly missing Gojyo and Hakkai.

"Sumimasen!" Hakkai said as he and Goku pulled the set up back.

"Oi, baka saru!" Gojyo snapped. "You could've killed me back there!"

"It was an accident!" Goku interjected.

"Yeah, ero kappa!" Lirin said.

"Good feeling's gone," Jiroushin muttered as the audience sweatdropped once again.

Sanzo coughed. The stand was in place. Hakkai turned to Gojyo.

"We cannot go on like this, dear wife," Hakkai said. "We have to find a way for our children's sake!'

"What do we do?" Gojyo said in a mocking tone. "I know! Let's just kill them and that'll be two less mouth to feed!"

The red-headed mama snatched the axe and made to go in. The audience gasped.

"Gojyo, Gojyo," Hakkai said, pulling him back. "That's the role of the witch, not you."

"Just follow the script!" Jiroushin hissed.

"Right," Gojyo said. "Oh, I'm so frightened!" he said. "The children! Suppose we die before they do? Who will take care of them?"

"If we leave them in the forest," Hakkai said, "at least they will have nuts and berries to eat."

"That won't be enough to fill their bottomless stomachs," Gojyo muttered.

"And noblemen out hunting might find them and give them a home," Hakkai continued.

The curtain dropped and rose a couple of minutes later. Jiroushin had another stomach ache again and left for the toilet once more.

"Next morning, there was only a crust of bread for the two monkeys to share before they all set out for the forest," Sanzo narrated. "Only Gretel saw Goku - no - Hansel putting it into his pocket..."

Goku looked longingly at the crust before dolefully putting it into his pocket. The four set off to walk the length of the stage. It was decorated with cardboard trees and bushes.

"Then the baka saru crumbled the bread, ready to drop a piece every few paces as they went through the forest."

"Now," Goku said. "We could find our way back home!"

Hakkai smiled. Gojyo, in a ragged blue shawl, merely said 'Tch!'.

"After, they had gone quite a distance, the woodcutter made a fire to keep the two baka saru warm," Sanzo narrated.

Hakkai propped up a cardboard fire. Gojyo watched, sweatdropping.

"Now, children," Hakkai said. "Sit down while I go and cut some wood."

"Stiff and tired, the two saru lay down," Sanzo narrated. Goku and Lirin yawned and doze off as Hakkai and Gojyo tip toed away. "The next thing the saru knew, it was completely dark.

"We're lost!" Lirin cried. "How can we see the pieces of bread to guide us home now, Hansel?"

She stopped and waited for Goku's line. She heard nothing but snores.

"Hansel?" she said. "Oi, baka, wake up!"

Lirin slapped Goku awake.

"Nani?" Goku muttered, finally awake. "Is it time for breakfast?"

"We - are - lost!" Lirin said impatiently. "How can we see the pieces of bread to guide us home now, Hansel?!"

"Oh, right," Goku said, yawning.

"The two saru got up and started walking through the forest," Sanzo narrated.

"Stop calling us saru already!" Lirin yelled.

"Yeah!" Goku backed her up.

"Hm!" Sanzo replied.

The curtain dropped. It rose again and the audience saw the same trees. A cardboard painted as a house made out of candies was added.

"Yummy!" Goku said excitedly.

"Looks so oishi!" Lirin squealed.

"Itadakimasu!" both cried at the same time and started attacking the cardboard.

"Blergh!" Lirin said, spitting out the chewed cardboard. "Nasty!"

"Yuck!" Goku said, making a face. "Double and triple yuck!"

"You two should pretend it's delicious!" Jiroushin, back again, hissed. He looked sweaty and pale, but seemed fine at the moment.

"But it taste like cardboard," Lirin said stubbornly.

"That's because it is cardboard," Ni Jianyi said, making both of them jump.

"An old witch appeared," Sanzo said and stopped at that.

"Hungry are we?" Ni Jianyi asked. "Come inside, dears, come inside. I've plenty of food to spare!"

The curtain dropped and rose again to reveal the inside of the candy house. A real feast was set on the wooden table groaning under the weight of the dishes. Goku and Lirin salivated.

"The two baka saru had never seen such a meal," Sanzo narrated. "And they couldn't have guessed that the kind old woman was really a witch who lay in wait for stupid idiots!"

"That wasn't in the script!" Jiroushin wailed. He finally heard Sanzo narrating and mentally made a note not to make him a narrator again.

Goku and Lirin gobbled down the food in less than 5 minutes. The plates are squeaky clean and not even a cumb was left. Finally, they lay down and slept. Really slept.

"A pity they are so thin," Ni Jianyi cackled over Goku's snores. "Still, that makes that golden-eyed boy light enough for me to lock him up in my cellar without any trouble!"

The curtain dropped again. The audience could hear people trying to wake Goku up. Sounds of slaps and water came next. Finally, Goku could be heard yelling, a biff, dragging sound, silence. Slowly, the curtain rose. They're still inside the witch's house.

"Early next morning," Sanzo narrated, "Gretel was awoken by a kick."

Ni Jianyi took a look at a furious Kougaiji. He smiled. Blame Jiroushin, he mouthed at the red-headed youkai.

"Get up, you little wretch!" Ni Jianyi said, kicking Lirin. "Fetch some water and light the fire!"

Dokugakuji stopped Kougaiji from marching on to he stage.

"It's Jiroushin's fault!" Dokugakuji hissed to his struggling master.

"Right, where is he?" Kougaiji said, looking around as if hoping to see a sign pointing to where Jiroushin is. Fortunately for Jiroushin, he had another stmach ache and had gone back to the toilet. Kougaiji searched the whole back stage, determined to find him.

"Gretel was too frightened to disobey," Sanzo said, but just then...

"Why do I have to fetch water and light fire?" Lirin retorted. "You want it done, do it yourself!"

Ni Jianyi cleared his throat. "Lirin-sama," he said under his breath. "This is a play."

"Oh, right!" Lirin said. She jumped up and fetched the bucket of water and a stack of wood.

"You can cook a meal for your brother," Ni Jianyi said. "I want him fattened up before I eat him!"

"You want to eat oni-chan?" Lirin gasped, Kougaiji coming into her mind.

"The nap must have burned the little brain left," Sanzo muttered through the mic. Everyone heard it.

"Oi!" the carrot coloured hair yelled, annoyed.

"Ah, hara hetta!" Goku whined. Now everyone knew where he was! He's down the cellar in the middle of the stage.

"And everyday, the witch came to see how fat the baka saru was getting," Sanzo narrated. "He always held up one of the bones saru #2 passed to him. Lucky for that baka saru, the witch couldn't see further than the end of her nose."

"Let's feel you arm," Ni Jianyi said. Goku held up one of the bones he had. "Too thin. Still too thin!"

"At last, the witch decided she could wait no longer for the baka saru to fatten up," Sanzo said.

"Girl!" Ni Jianyi said. "Stoke the fire and get the oven hot. Fat or thin, I mean to eat your brother."

"The baka saru in the cage was amazed to see the other baka saru obeying so calmly," Sanzo narrated.

"Stop calling us baka saru!" Lirin and Goku yelled up at Sanzo.

Lirin threw some wood into the oven. "Please," she said to Ni Jianyi. "Will you check to see if the oven is hot enough?"

"The witch dashed forward at once, rubbing her hands greedily," Sanzo narrated. "The moment the witch stick her stupid head inside, Gretel pushed as hard as she could - and slammed the door shut!"

Ni Jianyi and Lirin did just that. Now the scientist found himself locked up in the oven with some wood.

Lirin ran over to the cellar.

"With trembling fingers, Gretel unbolted the entrance to the cellar," Sanzo narrated, sounding bored.

"Come out, Hansel!" Lirin cried. "The witch cannot harm us anymore!"

"But the greedy baka saru refused to leave the cottage without taking as much of the witch's treasure as they could," Sanzo droned as the curtain dropped.

The red curtain rose again to reveal the cardboard forest again. Hakkai and Gojyo are calling.

"Hansel!" Hakkai said. "Gretel!"

"Where are you two monkeys?" Gojyo, still in braids and dress, said grumpily.

"The woodcutter and his wife," Sanzo said, "had been loking for their children ever since the day they left them. They were so happy to find them back."

"We're here!" Goku yelled, running towards them with a sack.

"Kochi, kochi!" Lirin screamed, running so fast she nearly banged a cardboard bush down.

The four reunited. Hugs and whoops which nearly deafened the audience. Then Goku and Lirin poured out the treasure from the sack.

"At last," Hakkai said. "We can go home without any fears. We are a family again!"

"The family of four lived happily ever after," Sanzo said, yawning. "The end!"

A/N: I'm a liar. Okay, so I didn't do Sleeping Beauty first like I said I would. It's up next, for sure this time! Actually, Ni Jianyi's witch part is supposed to be mostly screaming, but I cannot imagine the louse screaming at all, so he's mostly a talking in a normal tone.

Alright, time to get busy! Click that button down there and review!