( hardest )THING
And as Christmas time rolls around, I find myself writing angst as a present to you all. Oh, how depressing I am; believe me...I tried writing humor and it sucked total butt. Anyways, sorry if this really blows, the original version got lost and despite all my efforts to revive it and find it, it's gone. And even though I am in a funk and don't want to even try and rewrite it; I got to do something for this seasonal rush. Because if I don't it's going to haunt me and stay stuck in my mind...so yeah.
Warnings...? Be wary of the shonen-ai that is in this story. Since the coupling is a boy x boy coupling; you'll figure out who when you read, but I'm pretty sure you all know...it's pretty much obvious. There will be only hints of a hetrosexual pairing, in a way. Sasuke POV
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It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do...
Pure white snow softly drifting down from grey aged mothers, gently leaving the warm embrace. Cloudy half-lidded eyes vaguely veiled by dark long lashes lightly kissing the tops of rosy apples on marred cheeks. Orbs that shone like marbles stared up at the sky as snowflakes catching onto their elegant lashes. Pink lips, slightly parted to taste the foreign substance that melted wetly onto faintly peach colored skin, almost pulling back quickly at the sudden change of temperature. A faint longing gaze echoed through pale eyes. An almost wistful smile appeared slightly, but like the falling snow, it too disappeared as soon as it appeared.
Gradually, as if they didn't know how; arms rose from their refined quarters like branches of naked trees waiting for their milky winter coats. Slowly, almost shyly, shoe-covered feet began to move, sending the whole body into a gentle spin.
Slow swirls that send the mind in a blur. Fingers outstretched, reaching upwards to the heavens; catching descending snowflakes on the way. Continuing to spiral deeper and deeper into an unknown winter wonderland; little by little, losing all thoughts of the laws of gravity. Because there was no need to fear of falling now.
Because that wasn't part of the plan.
Falling faster and faster, so inexperienced yet at the same time doing it perfectly, like it's been done for ages. Pale blond locks sweeping through the air as silent flakes entangle into the ruly tresses, lips spreading into a serene smile as a soundless laugh resounded through the forest. Eyes completely closing before everything starts to move faster and faster. And as if on ice, everything moves quicker and quicker until it all slips. But still you twirl without a care in the world.
And I watch you.
But you don't know it, but I'm watching you. Still, the feeling of being gazed upon creeps up your spine constantly, but you ignore it. Toss your caution into the wind pretty child; because you don't give a damn if a kunai comes whizzing your way. Because you're having what they call fun. Because for once, there's no mission, your hands are free of that metallic liquid that you despise. Because for once, you can let go of everything and so something that hasn't been done since you were a mere child. Because there is no one to point and stare and ruin this day.
Because you've forgotten...haven't you? And briefly, just for a moment as your eyes flutter open as everything comes to a slower pace, your eyes catch mine. But you don't see me, and you keep on going because today...is your day. I have no doubts that you would be down-right pissed if someone dare have the lip to take that away from you.
To look you in the eye...
Your eyes pierce into my own. For real this time. And everything comes to a heart-pounding stop. Even that soaring maroon scarf of yours is coming down from it's high, but it's spared the lows as it slams into your shoulder, quietly trying to catch it's breath. Like you are. And your eyes stayed locked onto mine, that naïve flame still in living inside those eyes of yours. Even if it's dim, it will never completely die. Tilting your head, I can tell that you are trying to figure out who I am. But it's hopeless, because you have no clue. They never told you, but you never asked.
The weariness of time and your age appearing slightly, still that youthful look will always exist on your face. Your eyes show nothing, but curiosity. And as much as I want to scream out your name and tell you everything, my voice refuses to show it's cowardly self.
But...in the end, that's what you wanted...wasn't it?
And who am I, at this point, to deny you of your wishes? Your lips part again, your tongue glides over them and you prepare to ask me who I am. But I turn away, I turn away. Left with your curious gaze that burns holes into my back. I wonder how you can see through my soul with just one simple glance; I wonder if you know.
You're about to call out to me, but that notion dies as her voice rings throughout the silent forest; making you forget all about me. I can hear her hugging you, and I can hear you returning the act with just as much love infused in it. And it is in this moment, that I nearly regret coming here. Her giggles float into the air and you join her. It's killing me. Don't you know? Leaving this behind, I walk away, not wanting to hear this anymore.
Even so, on some level...I'm okay. And everything is fine.
Why? Because she'll do you more good than I ever will. She'll make you happier than I ever could. Her squeals echo through the skies as you lift her up from the ground. You're spinning again, but she's there too. You're both smiling. I could never take this away from you.
Ticking clocks and turning hands. And come around another day, when you and I don't have to turn away; I watch you in complete silence as your slender fingers spray over the ivory keys. You always did want to learn how to play the piano like me; you asked me to be your tutor. And I agreed. We never saw that day. Just like I never saw that serious glint reflecting in those eyes of yours as you began or perhaps I refused to accept the fact that you changed, but you did.
Bitter-sweet notes of a one-sided love, loneliness echoing through those sorrowful notes speaking of unrequited love. Spellbound as the rich melody wove it's magic into the air, the piano speaking of a tragic ending to something that never was...and never could be. Gracefully, fingers gently pressing the right keys, creating a pensive yet beautiful tune.
You play without understanding why. You give birth to a heart-breaking solo without knowing how. And even if You don't know who it's for, and you don't know why your heart breaks everytime you play it, I do, I do. It speaks of our ending, it sings of our star-crossed meeting. But all of that slips from your mind, because you don't remember any of that anymore, all you know is this tune, and nothing else.
And you don't know it, not yet, but you're playing it for me, for us. You don't know it, but you are.
In a split moment, you stop. Your chest rises up and down as you shakily move your hands away from the keys as if it was burning hot coal. You can't take this anymore, can you? The music comes to a sudden halt, and it's not even the end yet. Skilled fingers that have been creating the melancholy melody come up to your cheek. You're crying and you don't even know why, but you are. You don't even know why you see my face, but you do. And you leave. The lid shuts over the piano and you make a run to your room, trying to conceal and empty these tears from your eyes.
You were always...the one who wanted to be strong for everyone. Trying to hide the pain in fear that no one will like you if you stop the cheerful façade and break down. But that's not true...it's not true at all. And sadly, you'll never know, will you?
Like a never-ending waterfall, they flow from your red eyes and stain the baby blue pillow that you lie on. And you wish so much that you could just stop. And you pray so hard that you could just remember. And you want so much to know why...why you can't be happy. Happy for her, happy for everyone.
You're hoping for the impossible. Because things will never be normal and you will never truly love her like she wants you to. And I think we both know that. So optimistic, so postive. I wonder what would happen to you when it all comes crashing down and you realize the past.
Will you hate me? Will you scorn me?
For bringing you this torture and anguish; making you thirst for something that she cannot give you. Your eyes are as pink as her hair now, but it's better than before. You walk out with a smile and hug her from behind as she works in the kitchen. She smiles and laughs softly as you nuzzle her neck, but even if you act as if you're madly in love with her...you cannot help, but feel an emptiness inside your actions.
Something's missing and you know that. You can feel it surging through your body as you hug her and you know it's there. Just like you know that this feeling will never fade. Now I crouch upon your window, not minding if you caught me. Because it would be heaven to see your face again. I peer inside the empty room; curiously picking up a picture that's laid on it's front, hiding the image from anyone's view. I trace over the silver frame as my dull eyes glance over what's inside.
I wondered how often rivals could glare at each other and still be somewhat friends. But in the end, we were friends, weren't we?
But that's gone now. And you know what's sad? You don't even know it. You're blind to every thing. And she's hiding it from you. Every thing about your past, every evidence of you and I is erased and veiled. It's gone and you don't even know it. Outside, I can hear your gentle footsteps resounding in those narrow hallways, I make no move to escape. The glass in your hand falls to the floor. It shatters. And still, you say nothing.
Not bothering to even glance up at you; your gaze burns through me again. I know that once more, your throat is dry and your voice refuses to leave it's safe haven. You move your eyes from me, but your legs deny the request to move. My fingers lightly graze your soft skin as my eyes scan your face.
You've aged. And with age comes wisdom and responsiblity, but that childish look remains on your face, stubbornly refusing to leave. The whiskers on your cheeks have faded slightly and your skin has paled slightly over the years. Your hair has grown longer, messier if possible, but it kept it's bright shade of yellow. And yet...you're still you.
It's killing me, and oh God...I can only hope it's killing you too. Trying to be strong for the people around us, but we find ourselves cracking with each coming day. Now I found that you gained your voice back. But I would have never expected this.
"S...Sasuke..." How eerie it sounded coming from your lips. Or perhaps how eerie it sounded to me.
The barren chasm in your voice reverberated in my ears like blood pounding furiously. That mere whisper sounds so different, so lifeless. The solitude of my name sets upon me; and I realize how foreign it sounds coming from your lips. The solitude and loneliness of my name finally settles onto me as I stare into the pool of liquid that are your eyes to find them filled with so much sorrow, so much pain. I wanted to tear away, but your intense gaze kept me there. It is then...that we both know...we both know that I shouldn't be here.
It's wrong.
But you don't care, do you? Trembling, you hand covers my own, but you keep it there. Her voice rings out again to you, but this time, you don't turn away and neither do I. Those unfathomable cerulean orbs never once leave my own. Slowly, you face nears mine, eyelids growing heavier as dark lashes shadow on marked cheeks just like they did hours ago. For a moment, time stands still until our forehead presses together. Your lips only millimeters away from mine.
Catching the sweet scent of melted snow on your skin, I close my eyes as you do too. The sweet smell of dangos you nibbled on lingers there. Glass shatters. But it's not time repeating it's self. Her face pales, nearly matching my own complextion. The winds outside blow furiously as a flurry of white drops get beat around. There's a storm in her eyes that could rival Mother Nature. Hands shaking, tears gathering in her eyes as she grits her teeth.
Outside, the winds howl and wail, and I knew something was bound to happen. Snapping out of your trance, you turn to face her. The shattered pieces beneath your feet crushes under his weight, crimson flows from the bottom of your soles, but you doesn't care. As quickly as she ran away from you, tears streaming down her beautiful face, your hand was not quick enough to catch her before she sped away. Like the broken pieces of the glass, this fantasy breaks apart as time resumes and reality bites and sinks it's vemon in.
Turning to me, your lips tremlbing. My eyes hardened with a sheen of iciness above them. "This...never happened." And no matter how cold I sound, inside I'm breaking. Everything's tumbling down, spiraling to the ground. Your head snaps back as if you've been slapped and I slip my hand from your own quickly as if it was hot coals and turn away.
Tears casade down from your eyes just like they did from hers. And it'll be the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie. To turn away and show no emotion when you cry. Breathy gasps as your throat constricts, your chest is on fire and it hurts, but it'll never compare to the pain I'm feeling. And you'll never know, because you'll never have to feel this again. Promise.
I close my eyes and turn my back to you. I can't let you see...what you mean to me. Your throat grows raw and you start to cough, each pained breath left your body aching for more, but silently, those tears flowed as if they would never stop. But I got to be cruel to be kind. And all my love, I'll be sending...but you'll never know...'cause there'll be no happy ending. Not for us, it just wasn't meant to be. Leaping out the window, I know that I've made up my mind. There's no turning back, 'cause you're too good, too pure to be deserving that.
Your tears will stop someday. She'll love you again, and you will probably forget me and love her too. And you'll live a happy life because I'm not there and as much as it kills me, it's been good to see you again, to see that you got your smile back.
And I'll be living on this memory until the day I die.
But it's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do...to look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you.
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Crap. I am so late for Christmas one-shots -cringe- Anyways, this is my present to you, I hope I didn't bring you guys down too much...I actually tried writing fluff, and oh...it came out like complete crap. Forgive me for being so depressing -sweatdrop- I might make a linking one-shot to this...I have a good song in mind for it ;) Oh yes, the song in this one-shot is called 'The Hardest Thing' by 98 Degrees, you should listen to it...it's sad.
Somehow, it describes the broken relationship of Sasuke and Naruto so I included some of it's lyrics in. Please review, it makes me so happy to know that you are reading :3
P.S. If you are confused of some parts of this story...here's the deal: Naruto, after being diagnosed with Chronical Depression, tries drugs, and suicide which ends him up in the hospital with his memory damaged. Sasuke, returning after years to try and redeem himself, has a package to deliver which requires taking a little hike through the woods (and onto Grandma's house!) Uh...no.
So while he does that, he spots Naruto who makes him wonder if this was right, if returning here was a good choice. I think the answer is obvious. I wanted you guys to figure out the underlying message which was that Sasuke will always love him no matter what and doesn't want to see him in pain of trying to remember something he has already forgotten. So...in the end, can you guess where Sasuke goes?...The package never made it.