Chapter Nine: The Truth At Last

* * * * *

Remus Lupin walked slowly down the grand staircase on his way to breakfast. Pale January sunlight fell listlessly through the stained glass and decorated the floor and stairs with watery patches of red and green, pitiful in comparison to the rich hues seen in September. Remus remembered it vividly from his first few weeks in the castle: autumn sunrises that had brought the whole castle alive with light, just as Hogwarts was bringing him alive. For the first time he'd felt welcome and wanted. He'd spent a fair amount of his free time wandering the grounds, reminiscing about the more enjoyable times he'd had at school: mischievous pranks and midnight explorations. Only the dark, brooding forms of the Dementors stationed at the gates and the threat they represented served to encroach upon his otherwise cheerful mood. And then he'd found her…

He'd awoken alone this morning. He'd hoped that this was because Minerva had stayed true to her promise to visit the hospital wing and seek Poppy's advice. Sure enough, a note she'd left confirmed it. It was probably just 'flu, he reasoned. A dose or two of Pepper Up potion and she'd be back to her usual self.

But still…

He was feeling distinctly uneasy in a way he hadn't been up until she'd finally agreed to find out was wrong. It felt like their moment of truth was approaching but only now, walking downstairs to breakfast alone, had it occurred to him that that was what it was. And it wasn't her present absence in itself so much as the unknown threat that bothered him.

It seemed too good to be true that someone like him had found love with someone like her. He didn't deserve her. Part of his subconscience was convinced that the bubble would soon burst. He'd been alone for years. He'd survive being alone again, though he knew he'd find it hard after this. What he wouldn't survive – what he was so desperately afraid of – wasn't that. It was that he'd have to watch her suffer. And even worse: if he had to watch her suffer because of him.

* * * * *

After an unusually light breakfast Remus abandoned any thought of spending his free morning working and instead decided to take the opportunity to wander down to Hogsmeade. He needed a new quill and if nothing else it would help pass the time.

When he went upstairs to fetch his cloak and scarf there was no sign of Minerva. The bed was still in the same rumpled state he'd left it in: an unsettling sight since usually she'd be remaking it as soon as she'd scolded him out of it. He'd never been a morning person; Minerva would be up, dressed and ready to leave before he could even contemplate getting up. Until recently, anyway.

Outside the castle the wintry sunshine seemed surprisingly bright. The snow had long since melted leaving only a grey-brown mush that did nothing to enhance the bare winter scenery and he trudged downheartedly down the driveway towards the gates. The sight of the Dementors stationed there reminded him of his earlier promise to Harry and he wondered again how he could possibly help the boy. He hadn't yet told Minerva of his plans to show Harry the Patronus charm (another secret, his subconscious whispered treacherously) and in his heart he wasn't even sure if Harry would be capable of such advanced magic.

I should never have said anything, he told himself. I've got his hopes up and he'll probably feel even worse if I let him down now.

But I just couldn't bear to watch him suffer…

He'd assumed Harry's fears were relatively minor. He hadn't expected his confession of what really went through his mind when the Dementors came close. Suddenly it made sickening sense that Harry's Boggart would be a Dementor.

As he reached the outskirts of the village it struck him. The Boggart. Of course. It would have the same effect as a real Dementor with the added bonus that Remus would easily be able to control it if Harry found it too disturbing.

Feeling a little more cheerful, Remus took his time perusing the shops. Gladrags were having a sale and for a moment he was sorely tempted by a smart set of robes displayed in the window. At half price he could just about afford to… but no. The clothes he had were perfectly comfortable even if they were a bit shabby. There would be more important things to spend his money on.

Dervish and Banges had a decent range of quills and he quickly picked a suitable one – plain but serviceable. A tartan tin caught his eye in Honeydukes and he immediately bought it for Minerva, whose pride in her Scottish roots only just took second place to her house spirit.

After an hour's browsing he contemplated heading into the Three Broomsticks for a quick drink but then decided against it. If he left now he would be back in time to catch Minerva between classes. He'd be able to find out what Poppy had told her and the sooner he got that over with, the better.

* * * * *

His cheeks red from the cold, Remus arrived outside the transfiguration classroom just as the bell rang. He'd had to jog part of the way to get back in time. Within moments the corridor was filled with chattering Ravenclaw students, most of whom acknowledged Remus with a polite smile or wave.

But when the classroom was finally empty there was no sign of Minerva. Instead Venus Sinistra was gathering her belongings ready to depart. She beamed warmly at Remus but her smiled faded abruptly when she saw the look of confusion on his face.

"She's not here, Remus," Venus told him before he could open his mouth to ask.

"Is she all right?"

She shrugged, her bracelets jangling.

"I haven't seen her. Albus asked me if I'd take the class because she wasn't feeling well and I used to be quite interested in transfiguration-"

"Oh right. Thanks."

Remus was even more worried now.

"But I thought you-" she called after him, but the rest of her sentence was lost as he rounded the corner.

* * * * *

"Minerva? Minerva, are you-"

As he opened the door there was a sudden crash.

"MINERVA?"

His wand was in his hand before he could even think about it and he pushed the door wide open, but once inside he found only Minerva. She was kneeling on the floor having dropped half the pieces of the chess set she'd apparently been tidying away. Now she was frantically trying to gather up pawns, kings and knights from where they had rolled under the furniture. Her hair was loose and beneath her cloak she was still wearing her dressing gown.

Feeling a little embarrassed, Remus hastily put his wand away and stooped down to help her.

"Minerva?" he said more gently. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said vaguely. "Nothing's wrong. I'm… fine. I just slipped."

She did not meet his gaze. Minerva rarely 'just slipped': even in human form there was a curiously feline grace about her movements.

"Were you feeling dizzy again?" he prompted. "What did Poppy say?"

"She's doing a test."

"What kind of a test?"

"I don't know."

She's lying, Remus thought. But why?

He opened his mouth to press her further but then thought better of it. She'd always respected his privacy. The least he could do was return the favour. Instead he decided he'd talk to her in the evening when she'd had a chance to calm down a little. Maybe they could go out for dinner…

Minerva finished packing the chess pieces away and returned the box to its rightful place on the bookshelf. He noticed her hands tremble and suddenly felt anxious again.

"You would tell me, wouldn't you? If there was anything wrong, I mean."

She glanced over at him briefly, then back at the bookcase. For a moment she stood frozen, her head bowed like a chastised student, breathing slowly and deliberately.

Was this another attack of dizziness or was she just losing patience with him? Remus couldn't tell. But just as he was about to reach out to her she abruptly turned to face him, taking his hand in hers and gently squeezing it in an attempt to reassure him.

"I don't think there's anything wrong."

He frowned.

"Then why-"

"Please, Remus," she interrupted. "I really need you to be patient. As soon as I know anything for certain I'll tell you."

"If you're sure."

Still uneasy, he left.

* * * * *

The rest of the afternoon drifted past at an excruciatingly slow speed. Remus did his best to concentrate but found it impossible to immerse himself in his classes as he usually did. Instead he kept one eye on the clock, watching the hands slowly turn.

He went back to check on her before dinner but once again her rooms were empty. A quick check behind the bathroom door showed him that her dressing gown was also still absent. Did this mean she wasn't coming to dinner? Probably, he decided. But if there was nothing wrong, why was it taking so long?

At dinner Remus took a seat at the far end of the high table and sat in pensive silence, unable to stop his mind wandering into dark places. Surely there couldn't be anything seriously wrong… could there? She didn't seem that ill, just tired a lot, and dizzy and more tearful than usual. But maybe that was what she was always like. After all, he'd only really known her for a few months.

"Anyone sitting here?"

Venus' good-natured tones cut through his reverie. Remus looked up to see her gesturing meaningfully at the chair next to his.

"No," he admitted. "Go ahead."

Venus did not share Minerva's liking for plain, functional robes. She always changed for dinner and on this particularly evening was decked out in vivid fuschia, complete with matching lipstick. Remus suspected the lipstick was charmed; certainly he'd never seen it smudge or fade, even after a three-course dinner.

"How's Minerva?" she asked before she'd even completely sat down. "Is everything all right? I'm not trying to be nosy, it's just that you seemed really worried earlier and you didn't know where Minerva was and I thought you two were really close…"

In the face of his silence she trailed off abruptly.

"Sorry. It's none of my business, is it? I'll be quiet now. Or do you want me to move?"

"I didn't think anyone cared."

"Oh. Well, we do. I do, anyway. I don't like to see people unhappy. And I can see she's happy."

"Really?"

Despite himself Remus was curious. He'd never stopped to consider how they looked through the eyes of the rest of the faculty. After all, they were careful to keep their behaviour strictly professional whenever they were outside the privacy of her rooms. Minerva hadn't even so much as kissed him in public – well, apart from just before Christmas when she'd had a little too much to drink at the Three Broomsticks.

Venus smiled at his eagerness.

"Irma used to find her asleep in the library some mornings and if she wasn't there she'd be telling someone off for being out of bed. We used to joke that Minerva didn't even have a bed. Of course, that's changed since she's had you to keep her busy – if you know what I mean!"

Venus winked suggestively at him and he felt himself blushing.

"What about you?" Remus asked, trying to change the subject. "Are you seeing anyone at the moment?"

"No, not really."

"What does 'not really' mean?"

"Well, Severus… occupies me… from time to time but I- what?"

Remus choked on his gravy.

"Severus?!" he spluttered eventually. "You mean to tell me that you and Severus are..?"

"In a relationship?" Venus suggested, smiling innocently.

"Yes."

"No. Nothing as serious as that. We just… enjoy each other's company. Now and again. Don't look so shocked. You'd be amazed what goes on here that people don't know about."

"Apparently yes," Remus muttered, feeling a little dazed. Concerned as he was about Minerva, Venus' completely unexpected revelation was just a little too much to handle. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to know what Snape got up to in his spare time. Although… given how much Snape knew about what Remus and Minerva did in their spare time, the information might come in useful in the future. Remus wondered if Minerva knew, and then started worrying about her again.

It was definitely time to change the subject.

"How long have you worked at Hogwarts?" he asked politely.

It was hardly the most imaginative of questions but Venus didn't seem to mind. She promptly launched into a colourful and detailed description of her career to date, beginning with her graduation some nine years earlier and finishing with an invitation for him to attend one of her astronomy N.E.W.T. classes so that he could see just how wonderful the subject truly was.

Remus was extremely grateful when dessert was finally served. He ate quickly and was about to make his excuses when Venus announced that she, too, was ready to depart and would he be so kind as to escort her back to the grand staircase?

Remus stared at her in horror. Had she mistaken his attempts to be friendly for something more?

"No, not that," Venus said hastily. "It's just that I can see Severus looking this way and it'll make him jealous and when he's jealous he's rather more attentive."

* * * * *

Some ten minutes later Remus finally escaped to his office. Feeling half shocked and half amused he started leafing through the piles of paperwork on his desk but then remembered his earlier idea about finding a Boggart for Harry to practice on.

In the evening the classrooms would all be empty, making it an ideal time to check cupboards and closets for Boggarts. Feeling a little more determined Remus started in the nearby History of Magic classroom and then moved along to the adjacent office and storeroom. But by eight o'clock he had already abandoned his halfhearted search. The castle was riddled with secret passageways and hidden rooms, not to mention closets whose contents varied depending on which day of the week you opened them. The shapeshifting nature of a Boggart meant that it could not be shown by any kind of search charm or map; as soon as it sensed the influence of the spell it would turn itself into solid wood, or even dust. No, Remus decided. It would make far more sense to ask at breakfast whether any of the staff had heard one.

The pile of homework parchments awaiting him in his office could not evoke any interest. Instead he decided to go to bed.

As he climbed the stairs towards Gryffindor Tower Remus was again struck by how safe he felt within the castle. Even the distant howls and screeches from the Forbidden Forest could not be heard once inside its thick stone walls. In Minerva's rooms the fire hungrily swallowed the chill of this bitter January and when at last the fire was damped down and they went to bed they kept each other warm. Remus had not known the joy of sharing his bed with another prior to coming to Hogwarts but he'd never slept as soundly as he did here, safe in the knowledge that Minerva would still be beside him in the morning.

He quickened his step on the staircase. He'd been in Russia when James and Lily had married, ostensibly seeking intelligence for Dumbledore but secretly hoping to find a cure for his lycanthropy at the same time. Both they and the rest of the Order had already been in fear of their lives even before the emergence of the prophecy that had finally sealed their fate. Their love and their marriage had been as strong as any Remus had even known but it hadn't been enough to save them.

It was enough to save Harry though, Remus reminded himself. The last time he'd seen James and Lily had been the first time he'd met Harry. James had been so proud as he introduced his new son to one of his oldest friends. Remus had held Harry and felt strangely envious – not because he begrudged them their happiness but because he knew it was an experience he'd most likely never have.

And then he remembered Minerva's expression the first time he'd kissed her, and the loneliness and the longing and so many lost years all bound up in sorrow for the past but hope… only hope for the future. 'Make love to me', she'd whispered. In that moment he'd surrendered completely and in doing so given away a part of him that he'd thought no one would ever want: his heart.

And it didn't matter if she didn't want to tell him what Poppy had said just yet. It didn't matter if she never told him just as long as she loved him and just as long as they were together. He'd tell her that now, just as soon as he saw her.

Remus finally reached the tapestry that masked the door to Minerva's suite and muttered the spell to temporarily sever it. Eager anticipation thrummed like electricity through his veins as he stepped through the entrance.

Against all expectation, however, the living room was as cold and dark as the dungeons. There was no sign of Minerva.

With growing desperation Remus checked the bedroom and the bathroom. How could she still not be back? Where was she? Why hadn't she at least left him a message? The hastily scribbled note from this morning remained where he'd left it on her desk but there was no later addendum, no clue as to why she had seemed so distant. No reason for her to still be absent now.

He'd vowed to be patient. But how could she just vanish without even telling him where she was? She must have known he'd be worried.

Reaching a decision at last, Remus turned and retraced his steps leaving the door to slam loudly behind him.

* * * * *

Three floors below and at the far end of a rather long corridor the hospital wing slumbered in peaceful silence. Despite his impatience Remus took care to open the door quietly. Poppy Pomfrey was known as a caring and dedicated nurse but her wrath towards anyone who disturbed her patients unnecessarily was legendary.

"Who's there?"

Remus grimaced; he'd obviously not been quiet enough.

"It's Professor Lupin, Madam Pomfrey. I'm looking for Minerva. Is she here?"

Poppy appeared from her office, peering suspiciously at him in the light of the lamp she held. Once she'd ascertained his identity she nodded politely.

"I was wondering when you'd be up," she remarked. "Could have done with you being here earlier as it happens but no, she insisted on waiting. There's no telling some people."

"So she is here?"

"Oh, she's here all right. Did she tell you anything at all?"

"She said there was a test but she wouldn't tell me what for."

Poppy tutted loudly.

"That's Minerva. Can't see the wood for the trees sometimes. She didn't believe me when I told her, you know. She insisted on the test. And what happened? I was right, of course."

"What test?"

Remus was starting to lose patience. Poppy's I-know-best attitude could be endearing at times but not when you wanted her to get to the point in a hurry.

"Honestly, you're worse than some of the first years. I promise you there is absolutely nothing wrong with Minerva."

"Poppy," he said through gritted teeth. "Would you please just tell me what's going on."

She sighed theatrically.

"Well, I suppose you have a right to know. Assuming, of course, that it was you who-"

"Poppy!"

"Remus, she's pregnant."

There was silence.

"What? I mean… she's what? But that's impossible!"

Poppy surveyed him solemnly.

"I assure you it isn't," she remarked sternly. "Perhaps you should have paid more attention in my sixth year health talk instead of sniggering in the back with those three friends of yours."

Trust her to bring that up, Remus thought.

"I was paying attention," he muttered. "I didn't mean like that. I just thought she was…"

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Well, if it's any consolation I think it came as quite a shock to Minerva too."

Remus sighed heavily and ran his hands through his hair.

"So where is she?" he asked quietly.

"She's asleep. She's been worrying too much and sleeping too little – nothing out of the ordinary there, I might add – but she needs to rest as much as possible now. I've given her a sedative potion. I kept her up here so that I could keep an eye on her. Well, what are you waiting for?"

He followed Poppy out of her office.

"You'll need to make sure she doesn't overdo things in future," she continued. "And she must eat sensibly as well. I've told her time and time again she should look after herself better but now it's vital. None of this staying in the library and missing dinner nonsense now, you mark my words!"

Remus was not really listening. His attention was already focused on the far end of the ward where the curtains were drawn tightly around a single bed.

Sure enough, Poppy marched straight over, swept the curtains aside and beckoned him through.

Minerva was lying on her side facing away from him. In the soft lamplight she looked pale and fragile. Deep, dreamless sleep had softened the sharpness of her expression and once again he saw the woman he loved.

The woman he loved who was pregnant with his child.

Pregnant.

With his child.

Slowly, silently he sank down into a nearby chair. Unlike Venus Sinistra, Poppy Pomfrey apparently knew when to give someone a little space and she carefully placed the lamp on the bedside table and slipped quietly away.

"Minerva," he whispered.

She seemed so far away. Why hadn't she told him?

She was pregnant…

Remus slid his hand beneath the sheets and placed it gently over her belly, barely exerting any pressure. He tried to picture the tiny life taking form inside. His son, or perhaps his daughter. Their daughter.

And he wondered how he felt at this entirely unexpected news.

They'd never even discussed having children. Oh, he'd known it wasn't impossible but he'd also known that Poppy had supplied her with a potion. She hadn't mentioned it, presumably because there were some things she liked to keep private.

His mind took him back again to visiting James and Lily when Harry was just a few weeks old. He still remembered vividly the joy and excitement on their faces as they'd introduced him to their son. They'd been living in fear for months and it hadn't been an easy pregnancy for Lily. But Harry had made their lives complete even so.

And now…

And now it was his turn. Their turn. Their turn to be happy. Their turn to hold their own child in their arms and be a family, a real family at last. Who was to say that they couldn't be like Arthur and Molly Weasley and have their own brood? Why stop at one? Remus' imagination took him from one child to five: smiling faces around the breakfast table, the laughter of excited children, maybe a house in Hogsmeade…

But his joy was tempered by his memory of Minerva's expression earlier that day. She'd seemed tense and worried. And she'd lied to him about the pregnancy test…

Obviously she liked children. He knew she'd been worrying about Hermione, as she worried about all of her students when for whatever reason they were unhappy. But there was a big difference between liking children and having children of your own. How would it change things? Would she want to keep her job? Would she be able to? Could he really see her fussing over nappies and toys instead of essays and administration?

What if she didn't want this?

What did she want?

He buried his head in his hands. If you'd only told me, he thought. We could have talked about it. And I would have known how you felt. What you wanted.

And if she didn't want what he wanted, what then?

Our child…

His head spun.

Perhaps it would be best to leave her alone, he reasoned. She obviously hadn't wanted him there, after all. She'd talk to him when she was ready. And if what she said wasn't what he wanted to hear… well, he'd worry about that later.

Slowly, sadly, Remus Lupin got to his feet and started the long walk back upstairs to bed.