See Part 1 for all relevant background information.
Summary: Olivia's boyfriend of two and a half years, Mark Roberts, was killed in the line of duty on January 24, 2005. This piece picks up on Tuesday February 15th
Main characters not mine, I'm just borrowing. I promise to return them intact, though Olivia may be a bit worse for the wear. I suppose you could call Mark, Susan and Michael Roberts, and Dr. McLaren my own, but if you want them, enjoy.
Comments loved.
What Could Have Been: A Time for Sharing
Chapter 3/?
Roberts' House
The Bronx
February 15, 2005
Before Mark had died, Olivia had requested a long weekend over Valentine's Day so that she and Mark could go away. When he'd died, she'd considered cancelling and just working the weekend, but decided instead to go. She didn't want to be in the City, surrounded by memories of things she and Mark had done. Instead, she'd gone upstate to the Mohonk Mountain House and enjoyed a long weekend of spa treatment, reading and watching the snowfall. It was good to get away for a few days, and Olivia felt that it really helped her. Everyone had been good to her, offering to talk, taking her out, but sometimes she just wanted to be alone to sit and think, to remember.
She'd returned to the City early this morning in time for a doctor's appointment, and now was going through with plans that she and Mark had made before he died.
She took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. A few seconds later, Michael opened the door. "Hi, Olivia," he said. "Come in, come in," he continued, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
The snow was still falling lightly, so Olivia shook off her coat before coming in. "Great to see you," she said, bending down to loosen her boots.
"How was your weekend?" Michael asked, taking Olivia's coat.
"Nice," Olivia admitted. "It was good to get away for a few days. Did you two do anything special?"
"Just went out to dinner," Michael said.
They walked into the kitchen, where Susan was putting the finishing touches on a roast. "Hi, Olivia," she said, wiping her hands on her apron as she crossed the kitchen.
"Hi Susan," Olivia said. "I brought brownies."
"Thanks, you didn't have to." Susan said, taking the plate and giving Olivia a kiss.
"I know, I wanted to."
"Can I get you something to drink?" Michael asked. "Beer, soda..."
"A glass of water would be fine," Olivia said, smiling at the thought. She'd gotten some funny looks over the last few months when she refused beer, wine or coffee, but soon it would be in the open. When they'd scheduled today's OB/GYN appointment and ultrasound, Mark and Olivia had decided that this would be when they'd tell others. They hadn't decided whether they wanted to find out the sex, but Olivia had opted this morning not to find out. Not yet anyway. "That's good," Dr. McLaren had said. "Because the baby's facing into you and we wouldn't be able to tell today anyway."
Olivia couldn't help but smile at that. When she and Mark had discussed finding out the baby's sex, he was more in favour of being surprised, She couldn't help but think today's episode was partially his doing.
"Water it is then," Michael said, while topping off Susan's glass of wine and getting himself a fresh beer.
Susan washed her hands and said, "The potatoes need about fifteen more minute. Let's go in the den."
As they walked in, Olivia found that she was surprisingly nervous. She'd been thinking a lot over the last three weeks about being a single mom. Although she and Mark had both known the risks and accepted that either, or both, of them could be hurt in the line of duty, she'd never imagined raising their child without him. At times, it was hard enough thinking that they were going to be parents.
Olivia's Apartment
December 2, 2004
Olivia was pacing. Pacing and glancing at her watch. Mark was due home any minute and she was nervous. Not nervous, a wreck. When she was on one of her 'return' paces, facing away from the door, she heard a key in the lock. She turned on her heel so that she was facing the door when Mark came in. "Hey, babe," he said.
"Hi," she said, looking up, but still pacing.
Mark came up behind her. "Liv?" he asked. "What's the matter?" He put his arm around her waist and turned her toward him.
She took a deep breath. It was now or never. "I'm pregnant." She wasn't at all sure what his reaction would be. There was no question that they were committed to one another, but they hadn't planned on a child. Not now. Olivia was nervous, very nervous, but also happy.
She felt Mark's finger under her chin as he lifted her chin so that she'd look him in the eyes. When she did, she saw a smile on his lips and in his eyes. It was a relief. She let out a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding in, and a smile crept across her face. "When did you find out?" he asked.
"Only a few minutes ago. I timed it to do just before you got home so I wouldn't go out of my mind."
"Or wear out the floor."
"That too," Olivia said, as Mark leaned in for a long kiss.
When they broke apart, Mark knelt down in front of Olivia, raised her shirt and kissed her belly.
Later that evening, they'd discussed the practical side of things, but it was enough to know that though the baby was not something they planned, it was something they both wanted.
Olivia found herself again taking a deep breath as she sat in the chair opposite Michael and Susan. "I have some news," she started slowly. "Some news that will surprise you, but in the end I think will make you quite happy."
"Happy, I could do with happy right about now," Susan said.
Olivia opened the envelope she'd been carrying and wordlessly passed the photo of the ultrasound to Michael and Susan. She enjoyed seeing the look on their face when it dawned on them what it was. "Congratulations," Michael said, rising to give her a warm hug.
"I'm so happy for you," Susan added. "How far along are you?"
"Sixteen weeks. Did you know? Have any idea?" Olivia asked.
Susan shook her head, but added with a smile, "It explains the water."
"I knew that would give it away eventually," Olivia said. "But I also wanted to tell people before I started showing."
Susan nodded. "I started showing early with Mark, so I didn't really have that option." After a moment's pause, she asked what she'd wondered since Olivia broke the news. "Did Mark know?"
Olivia nodded. "We found out just before Christmas. This was when we'd planned to tell you. We wanted to wait until I was out of the first trimester and then when we scheduled this ultrasound, we decided we'd tell you immediately after." Turning to Michael, Olivia said, "You're not surprised, are you?"
Michael shook his head. "I mean, I didn't know for certain, but..." He stood and said, "I'll be right back."
Olivia looked to Susan, who said, "I have no idea."
Olivia found she was nervous. One of the reasons that she and Mark maintained their separate apartments, despite spending nearly every non-working night together, was due to Mark's parents. They loved Olivia, but they were traditional Catholics and Mark and Olivia respected them enough not to go against their wishes about living together before marriage.
Early in her pregnancy, Olivia had broached the topic with Mark. "Do you think your parents will be OK with it when we tell them?"
Mark nodded, without hesitation. "They're traditional, but they understand things are different now." After a moment's pause, he continued. "And though they may wish we'd done things in a different order, I also think they'll be thrilled at the idea of having a grandchild. And knowing that you were the mother. They love you, Liv. Almost as much as I do."
At the time, the discussion had eased Olivia's worries, but now she found they were back. Michael seemed happy, but there was something else there. Something that concerned her. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Mark was supposed to be there beside her. They were supposed to be together as they shared the news. Closing her eyes, Olivia could almost feel his arm around her.
A moment or two later, Michael returned to the room. "My turn for good news, and a bit of a surprise," he said, sitting back down beside Susan. Olivia could tell by the look on Susan's face that she truly had no idea what Michael was up to. That made two of them.
Michael started slowly. "Mark never told me that you were pregnant, but he came to me earlier this year and told me that he wanted to think about looking at a house. That his apartment was getting too small." They shared a laugh at that, Mark had had a wonderful two-bedroom apartment, and the master bedroom was the size of some Manhattan apartments. "So I knew he was talking about something for more than the two of you."
Olivia was surprised. Not that Mark had been thinking about a house, because they'd discussed that. But that he'd also talked to his father about it. This meant it was more than talk. "God, Mark, I miss you so much," Olivia thought. "I miss having someone to talk to. Someone to come home to." Outwardly, Olivia nodded. "We were thinking about it, had even looked at some listings just to see what was out there," she admitted.
Michael had more to say, just as Olivia thought. He reached in his pocket and said, "We also talked about something else and..." he trailed off, thinking of what else Mark might have planned to be telling them that day. Slowly, he withdrew his hand from his pocket, and in his hand was a small black jewellery box. Mark had told him he was going to look, and after he'd looked at a few, they'd gone to the store together to look at the one he'd chosen. Michael had been somewhat surprised at the timing of shopping since Christmas had just passed and Olivia's birthday wasn't for a few months, but Mark had said "It will be our third Valentine's Day together. I want to do something special."
Michael didn't know he'd bought it, until he found it in his night table drawer when they were cleaning the apartment. Slowly, he passed the jewellery box to Olivia, but didn't say anything as she opened it. She inhaled sharply and drew her hand to her mouth. The ring was beautiful. She found herself blinking back tears. They'd talked about the future, but she had no idea he'd bought a ring. She loved it, but right now she'd trade it, and a million others, to have Mark beside her.
She looked to Michael and Susan and saw they both had tears in their eyes as well. "Thank you," Olivia said softly.
"I wasn't sure when to give it to you," Michael admitted. "I wasn't sure if you knew about it, and I nearly gave it to you when we found it in the apartment. But I'm glad I waited."
"I am too. I had no idea he'd bought the ring," Olivia said, taking another breath to compose herself. She was happy, but she also missed Mark very much. She missed his caring touches, the smell of his after-shave. Though she'd changed the sheets on her bed, she hadn't been able to bring herself to change his pillowcase. Almost a month later, and his scent was still there. He was there with her.
Special Victims Unit
Squad Room
February 16, 2005
It was Olivia's first day back to work following her long weekend, and so far it had been a busy morning. Though Olivia was well-rested from her long weekend, she'd stayed late at Mark's parent's house the night before and she was a little tired as a result. Periodically, she looked at her ring finger. Michael had insisted that she keep the ring, but she didn't feel comfortable wearing it.
Feeling a rumbling in her stomach, Olivia looked at her watch to see it was just past Noon. She looked across their desk at Elliot, who was focused on a file in front of him. "Hey El," she said softly, not wanting to scare him.
"One sec," he said, making a note on a list he was keeping with the file. Finishing, he looked up at her, "What's up?"
"Can you break for lunch?"
"Sure," Elliot said, sensing she wanted to talk. "Let me wrap up this section? Five minutes tops."
"Fine," Olivia said. "I need to talk to Captain quickly anyway and go to the Ladies' Room. Meet you in the hall?"
"Sure."
Olivia stood, putting on her leather jacket. It didn't button as easily as it used to, and Olivia realised that she'd soon be doing some shopping. Crossing the bullpen to Cragen's office, she knocked softly on his open door. "Have a sec?" she asked when he looked up.
"Of course, Olivia," Cragen said, putting down his pen. "Take a seat, close the door if you want."
"Not right now, I'm headed out to lunch. I just wanted to know if you had time this afternoon to talk?"
He quickly looked at his calendar. "I'm free pretty much until 3."
Olivia nodded, "I'll come talk to you when I get back from lunch then. Did you want anything while I'm out?"
"No, thanks. But stay warm, it's freezing out there."
Olivia smiled. "I will. See you in a bit."
Cragen smiled as he watched her go. It had been a hard month, but she was doing OK. "She's a tough kid," he thought.
Olivia was just coming out of the Ladies' Room when Elliot came down the hall. "Did you have anywhere in mind?" he asked, as they headed out.
"Luigi's?" she offered. "Anywhere that we can sit and talk is OK with me."
"Luigi's it is," Elliot said, as the two Detectives walked briskly, trying to keep warm.
It was busy due to the noon rush, but they were seated quickly. "Do you know what you're having?" the waiter asked, coming just as the host left.
Olivia looked at Elliot, who nodded. "What soups do you have today?"
"Pasta fagioli, tomato and chicken noodle."
"I'll have a bowl of chicken noodle and a grilled cheese sandwich please," Olivia said.
"And I'll have a bowl of tomato with a grilled ham and cheese please," Elliot said.
"Coming right up," he said.
Olivia watched him walk away, also surveying the restaurant to make sure no one else they knew was around. This did not get past Elliot, who asked, "What? Planning to tell me that you found Jimmy Hoffa?"
Olivia laughed. It helped her to relax. "Nothing that exciting, but I do have some news," she said. "And while it's not top secret, I don't want anyone to overhear just yet."
Elliot nodded. He was concerned, but she seemed happy, so he wasn't too worried. He was glad she wanted to talk to him. He'd been there for her throughout the last few weeks, but always felt like there was something more he should be doing. At the same time, he knew that he knew far more than others did. Several afternoons they'd been on surveillance and she'd just talked. She'd started, and she'd later said it was like a damn had broken. They'd wrapped surveillance, with Munch and Fin catching up with the suspect at work, and Olivia and Elliot had gone for dinner, where she just talked more.
"I'm sorry I've talked your ear off," Olivia had said.
"Don't, I'm glad to help," he'd responded.
"You're a big help," she said. "More than you know."
Olivia took a deep breath, "I've rehearsed about seven different ways to say this, but I think the easiest is the simplest. I'm pregnant."
"Congratulations," he said, coming around to her side of the booth to give her a hug. "I'm so happy for you."
"Thank you," Olivia said, returning the hug. She looked over at him and said, "You knew all along, didn't you?"
Elliot nodded, "But I wanted you to tell me when you were ready. I knew you would."
"I appreciate that," Olivia said. "What was the giveaway? The coffee?"
"That was a big one," Elliot said. "But also, you look different. Not that you're showing or anything, but I saw Kathy through three pregnancies, I know the look."
"Just please tell me that I don't look like she did when she was carrying the twins."
"No," Elliot said with a laugh. "More the Kathleen and Maureen look. Do you know what you're having?"
"No, not yet. I went for the ultrasound yesterday, but the baby wasn't cooperating. I think that was Mark's doing, he didn't want to find out." Olivia was silent for a few moments, waiting while their soup arrived. After quietly stirring hers for a bit, she continued in a low voice. "I was so scared that I was going to lose the baby. From the beginning, my OB called it a high-risk pregnancy due to my age, and then with the stress of the past month... Mark and I had decided that we'd tell people after yesterday's ultrasound, but I kept having dreams that I miscarried and I..." Olivia trailed off for a moment before continuing, "I've already lost Mark, I can't lose the baby."
Elliot didn't know what to say, there were no words to reassure her. Again, he came around to her side of the booth, and this time he slid in next to her. He covered her left hand with his and put his right arm around her waist. After a moment, he said, "I cant tell you anything that you don't already know. Just take care of yourself."
Olivia nodded, "Thank you," she said.
"And if you need anything, anything at all," Elliot said. "Just ask. You can call me at any time, you know that."
"I do," Olivia said. "And I know I'm overreacting, it's just that..."
"Don't worry," Elliot said. "It's quite normal." After a moment's pause as he moved back around to his side of the booth, he went on, "Now I'm not saying that you can't be on the streets while pregnant, but I think maybe you should consider desk duty."
Olivia nodded. "I don't think it's even going to be a question, once I tell Cragen this afternoon."
"Probably not," Elliot agreed. "So I'm the first to know?"
"I told Mark's parents yesterday evening when I went for dinner, but other than that, yes. I'm going to tell the guys today, I was thinking about seeing who wanted to go out after work."
"Count me in," Elliot said.
"Good," Olivia said. Elliot hadn't been able to join them the last few times they'd gone out. "It will be nice if everyone is free, it's been a while."
"It has," Elliot admitted.
Special Victims Unit
Squad Room
February 16, 2005
Olivia and Elliot walked back into the squad room around 1, and Olivia was shocked to see a bouquet of flowers on her desk. She looked over at Elliot who said, "Don't ask me, I was with you."
Before even taking off her coat, Olivia reached for the card, which read:
Dear Olivia,
Congratulations. We are so happy to hear your news.
Love, Michael and SusanOlivia smiled slightly, tucking the card into her top drawer as she leaned over to more closely examine the colourful flowers. There were yellow lilies, white daisies, and several other flowers that Olivia couldn't identify. She retreated to a quieter corner of the bullpen and reached for her cell phone. When she got Michael and Susan's machine, she waited for the beep before saying, "Hi, it's Olivia. The flowers came when I was at lunch, and they are beautiful. Thank you so much. I'll speak with you soon."
Cragen's door was closed, so Olivia headed back to her desk. "Mark's parents," she said to Elliot.
"I thought it might have been. They must have been so surprised."
"Susan was," Olivia said. "But Michael had an idea." Dropping her voice, Olivia said, "Mark had talked to him about buying a house and..." She trailed off for a moment, emotions catching in her throat.
Elliot reached across the desk for her hand, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to talk about it."
"I do," Olivia said. "He... Mark had bought a ring," she whispered.
"Oh Liv," Elliot said. "Michael told you about it?"
Olivia nodded, "He gave it to me. He didn't know for sure that he'd bought it, but then found it when we were cleaning Mark's apartment. Mark told him that he wanted to do something special for Valentine's Day." A single tear rolled down her cheek, and Olivia quickly wiped it away. "It's hard," she said softly.
Elliot nodded, not knowing what to say.
"Thanks," Olivia said. She didn't need to say for what.
"No problem," Elliot said. "I just realised, I forgot to ask you the most important question."
"What's that?"
"When are you due?"
"August 5th."
"Summer baby, just like Mom."
A few minutes later, Cragen strode back into the bullpen. "Olivia, glad you found your flowers, they came just after you left. Sorry I'm late, I got called into a meeting."
"That's OK," Olivia said. "Take your time and call me when you're ready."
"I am now."
Following Cragen into his office, Olivia shut the door behind them and sat across from his desk. "You doing OK, Liv?" Cragen asked.
"It's getting easier by the day," Olivia said. "There are still some moments that are very difficult though."
"There always will be. Even years later."
Olivia nodded. Cragen didn't talk much about his late wife. "And it's been good to know everyone is around if I need to talk."
"And we always will be."
After a moment's pause, Olivia said, "What I wanted to talk to you about today was some time off."
"Of course, what do you need?"
"Not now," she said. "Early August, around the 5th?"
"Sure. Two weeks?"
"Maybe a bit longer." Olivia saw the confused expression on her Captain's face. "I'm pregnant," she said quietly.
Cragen could not hide the shock on his face. "Congratulations," he said, rising to give her a warm hug.
"Thanks. That's what the flowers were about, I just told Mark's parents last night."
"Did Mark know?"
Olivia nodded, "We've known for a few months, but my OB warned me that it was a high-risk pregnancy due to my age so I wanted to wait to tell anyone until I was out of the first trimester."
Don nodded. "Makes sense. I want you on desk duty. I'll work on your leave, can I get back to you with details later in the week?"
"Sure, there's no rush. I'm not sure how long I'll want to stay out for, may depend on what my doctor says."
"Of course. You do what you need and we'll make it work."
"Thanks. I was also wondering, are you free this evening? I just told Elliot the news and want to tell Munch and Fin and was thinking that we could all go out for something to eat."
"Sure," Cragen said. "I wouldn't miss it." After a moment's pause he said, "Liv, I'm very happy for you."
"Thank you."
As Olivia walked back toward her desk, she reached beneath the shirt for the necklace Mark had given her. It was nice to be able to wear it in the open now.
-December 30, 2004
A/N: You know what, the more I write, the less I like of this story. Grr. It's too 'happy' and those of you who've read my ER Fics know I don't do 'happy' well, I get bored.