They stared at each other for what seemed like eternity. After a year and a half, they were here, at the place it had all ended. Her in that car, the one that took her away from him so long ago. And here he was, standing on the porch of the home he had saved incase she came back.
And for some reason, he wanted her to leave. He felt as though she were intruding upon some sacred space. It was as if in that moment he had grabbed the screwdriver, life for him had become livable again.
He forced the scowl from his face. He'd wanted a chance to have his say, and some higher power was granting him that. He sat on the step, and waited for her to get out of the car.
More time passed, minutes probably, but they seemed like years. When she climbed out of the car, he waited for the wave of remembrance to wash over him, as it had done earlier.
It never came.
She noticed this. She saw that there was nothing on his face. No sign of emotion. There wasn't even anger.
What was she going to do when he didn't even have the heart to hate her anymore?
She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and looked at her shoes. "Hey," she murmured.
"Hello, Joey."
"Um, I'm-" she took a deep breath, sighing as she let it out. "I'm sorry for just dropping by."
"It's fine. I'm not busy tonight," Pacey explained, keeping his expression bland. Why is it, he thought, that just a moment ago, I wanted nothing more than to have her here and now I want her to leave and never come back?
"Can I sit down?"
"Sure." He moved over a few inches to make room for her on the step. He wouldn't take her inside. It was easier out here. Here, he could remember how she left, and without a backward glance. Out here, it was easier to hate her.
"Thanks." It tore her apart that he was being so nonchalant about her showing up in his driveway. Why couldn't she see what he was feeling? Why couldn't he make this easier, and blow up at her?
"So, how long have you been in Capeside?" he asked, rhetorically. He knew, and she knew that he did. It was Capeside, of all places. Secrets couldn't be kept.
"A few months now. I'm in the process of moving back. I've been looking for an apartment. I think I'm starting to get on Bessie's nerves." Joey smiled faintly, hoping to get even the smallest glimpse of the man she had married, the man she had loved.
The man she had left.
Still, there was nothing. Not even the shadow of his trademark smirk, the one that had turned her upside down more times than she could count. She sighed. Maybe this had been a mistake.
"Look, Pacey, I'm sorry for just coming over like this. I'll go." She got up, and turned to look at him before getting back in her car.
And there it was.
The small flicker in his eyes that changed the color from blue to black. She knew, then, that there was something. Hell, it was more than something. It was everything. That small change, the reaction he never could control, told her that she had a chance. And at this point, after the months she had spent in her own personal purgatory, she'd take any small scraps she could get her hands on.
"Pacey?"
"Who hit you, Jo?"
"Pacey, I-" she stammered, taken by surprise at the sudden emotion in his voice.
"Who the fuck laid a hand on you?" He stood up and walked the short distance to take her face in his hand. "Did he get away with it?"
Tears filled her eyes, and her mouth turned up on one side. "I ran over his foot."
He made a noise that sounded almost like a chuckle, but she wasn't sure.
"He left a mark on you." There was pain in his voice, and he hated himself for letting it be heard. He wanted to push her away and make her go, but he saw, there in her eyes, on her face, that this small moment meant more to her than anything had in a long time.
He wouldn't take that away from her. Even if everything in him said she didn't deserve it.
She lifted a hand to trace the small line with her fingertip. She had thought it was too slight for anyone to notice.
She should have known he would see. He would have known if her hair was half an inch shorter. He would have known, even if it had been longer than just a year and a half. Ten years could have passed, the scar faded with time, and he still would have known.
A single tear slid down her cheek, and landed on his thumb.
That was enough to bring him back to the moment. "Jo, I can't do this right now."
"Oh."
"Come over tomorrow. Around two. I'll be home by then."
"I can't tomorrow, Pacey. Jack and Doug are flying in. Bessie wants me to meet them at the airport."
"I'll drive with you." He was just as surprised as she was to hear the words tumble off his lips. 'I'll drive with you?' he repeated again to himself. He didn't want to be near her now, what made him think a three-hour drive to the airport would be a good idea?
"You don't have to. You're probably busy anyway." Joey stepped back, breaking the contact between them. She felt relief and regret all at the same time.
"It's not a big deal, Jo. Doug's my brother, and I'm sure he'd wonder why Bessie sent you all the way to the other side of Boston, when I could have done it instead."
"I'd like to see them, too." Joey whispered, another tear rolling down her face.
Before he thought to stop himself, he was wiping it away for her. Neither one could speak for what seemed like hours.
"I should go," Joey murmured. She moved away from his touch again, wishing that instead of stepping back all the time, she could have just faced her fears and walked towards him in the first place.
"I'll pick you up at eight."
"Are you sure?" Joey looked at him, her eyes searching his; looking for the doubt, the pity, anything that might tell her he didn't want to do this.
"I'll be there at eight, Joey."
"Okay."
Pacey watched her walk back to her car. He couldn't help but think that things were going to change, and that possibly, they already had.
He stood in the same place until her car was out of sight, and stayed there even then. The sky was dark now, his yard illuminated by his porch light. He turned his face towards the heavens, and wished on a star.
Starlight, star bright...
----
It was nine-thirty now, and they were halfway to Boston. The most that had been heard from either one was Joey's breakfast order at the McDonald's drive through, and their muttered greetings when Pacey had picked her up.
To say the tension was noticeable would have been an understatement. Joey didn't have enough hands to count the times they both turned to the other, fully intending to start the dreaded conversation, only to lose their nerve.
She knew it had to happen. Things would only stay like this until she told him. Finally told him why she had left, why she had torn his heart out and dragged it across the country with her.
Pacey watched her from the corner of his eye, and knew she was this close to finally saying something. He tried to start the conversation; at least forty-seven times now. It wasn't his place to say something first, and they both knew that. He just had to find a little more patience so he didn't explode before she did open her mouth.
She counted to one hundred. She took four deep breaths. She recited the state capitals. And still, she wasn't any closer to being ready for this than she had been when she left.
"I was scared of you," she blurted out, almost yelping at the sound of her own voice.
"You were what?"
"I was-" her voice caught in her throat, and she had to give herself a moment before continuing. "I was scared of you."
"Why?" This wasn't what he expected. When he found out she had moved to California, his first thought was that she was running back to Dawson. One phone call to their old friend and his suspicions were quelled. Dawson was getting ready to propose to his current girlfriend, and hadn't heard from Joey in months. He hadn't wanted to think that there was someone else, but to him it was the only rational explanation.
"I don't know, Pacey. Things with you were perfect. I got the promotions I wanted. Your restaurant kept making more and more money. I was afraid of the success. I was afraid of losing it all."
He glanced in her direction, and found her staring out the passenger side window. "So," he wondered aloud, "instead of telling me this, and letting me help you with this, you took off?" He shook his head. "Seems a little moronic, if you ask me Jo."
"I don't remember asking you," she snapped, glaring at him. "Anyway, I'd like to finish."
He gestured with his hand for her to go on and refrained from commenting. He wasn't sure if he would be able to say anything that wouldn't frustrate her more.
"In any case, you're right. Instead of going to you, and talking about all of this, like I should have done, I left. I told you when Jen died that I wanted to stop running. And I did, until I realized that things moved just as fast when you were standing still. All of a sudden, I was married. I got this phenomenal promotion that let me work from anywhere, even the west coast. We bought a house, we were 'settling down,' as it were. And I wondered where my freedom went."
"I wasn't trying to tie you down, Jo." Pacey changed lanes, looking at her quickly, hoping she would see the sincerity in his eyes.
"I know you weren't Pacey. It's just that, you were so happy being here, in Capeside, even after all the times we would dream about getting out when we were younger. I wasn't unhappy here, but I kept wondering if maybe there was something better somewhere else."
"Jo, I loved you the best I could."
She looked at him, sadness in her eyes. "I didn't say someone better, Pacey. There isn't anyone better than you. I just thought that I might have been happier somewhere else."
A fist closed around his heart. He didn't want to ask the next question, but it couldn't go unanswered. It was the key to his livelihood. It was the piece that would either guarantee or destroy his sanity. "Were you?"
She gave him a cynical smile. "You saw the scar Pacey, tell me what you think."
"I think you went in search of something you already had, but didn't know you did. I think that what you found made you realize what you had. I think that you really fucked up, Jo."
Joey nodded. It was blunt, but he was right. "I never said I didn't."
"What did you come back for, Joey?" He took his exit, maneuvering through traffic as his life slowly changed.
"I wanted to come home. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be with someone that loved me." Her voice shook; tears falling freely down her face.
"You didn't have to leave in the first place."
"Knowing that now doesn't take away what I did to you, Pacey. I hate myself for doing that. But I can't take it back, and there isn't anything I can do to fix it."
"You came back."
Joey looked at him, confusion coloring her features. "What do you mean?"
"You said there wasn't anything you can do to fix it. You already started trying. You came home."
"Pacey, I-"
He cut her off by shaking his head. "Let's just leave it at that, okay?"
Joey nodded, fighting a new wave of tears. Maybe she did have a chance after all.
Pacey pulled into the airport parking lot, thinking way too hard about things he wasn't sure he wanted to think about. He owed her a chance. It was only fair. Hadn't he left her once, leaving her alone with her tears and her heartache? He'd broken her once, and still, when he needed her more than he needed air to breath, she was there to take his hand.
He looked down at his hands after climbing out of the car. Was he really in any kind of shape to reach out to her now?
She watched him over the roof of the car, the pain in his eyes more evident than ever before. It was torture, seeing him like this, and knowing she had caused all of it.