Yes, I finally caved and wrote another secret diary… I hope you all like it as much as 'The Secret Diary of the One Ring'. Please do review.

The Secret Diary of Aragorn

ENTRY 1

Was just wandering around near Bree when I met Gandalf. Apparently, there's a friend of his called Baggins heading this way with his mates and the Ring of Power.

And there was me thinking that life in the wilderness was getting boring.

ENTRY 2

Hanging around in the Prancing Pony, waiting for these people to show up. While the ale is very good, I'd better lay off a bit. What sort of first impression would I make if I was drunk?

Wonder if this Baggins fellow likes ale? Haven't had a drinking buddy since Halbarad went off on holiday.

ENTRY 3

Some carpet-footed midgets just came in. They are acting as though they're hiding something. In fact, I'd think they were the people I was waiting for if it weren't for their lack of height.

I mean, there's no way Gandalf would give the Ring of Power to someone who couldn't even look over a wall to see if Ringwraiths were coming.

ENTRY 4

One of the furry-footed midgets just threw a Ring into the air and vanished. And his name's Baggins.

I need another drink.

ENTRY 5

Well, managed to meet up with Baggins. Apparently he's a hobbit. And apparently Gandalf didn't tell him about me. That was awkward.

And apparently his little mates are very defensive.

Kinda sweet, really.

ENTRY 6

Ringwraiths came in the night and slashed up all the hobbits's pillows. After I'd done such a nice job of hiding them under the blankets so that the Ringwraiths wouldn't steal them.

And who had to pay for them? The hobbits seem to be assuming that just because I'm their guide they can mooch off me.

ENTRY 7

On the way to Rivendell. When I find out who taught the hobbits all these walking songs…

ENTRY 8

Still walking. Overheard the hobbits talking about me behind my back. Feeling very unappreciated. Here I am, guiding them towards safety, through many perils, voluntarily, and have they said thank you? No, they haven't. Not once.

ENTRY 9

Weathertop. Must get some elves round here to redecorate. The crumbling ancient ruin look just isn't in this season.

Decided to leave the hobbits alone for a while. Ha! Let them see how they'd cope without me!

Of course, I won't leave them for long. I'll just be sitting round the other side of the hill. So should anything happen, I'll hear the hobbits shouting for me.

ENTRY 10

Which they would. I mean, they wouldn't try and take on Ringwraiths themselves. They're not completely idiotic.

… On second thoughts, I'll go and check on them in a minute. Once I've finished writing my name in the air with this flaming branch.

ENTRY 11

I don't believe this. I really don't believe this.

I leave the hobbits alone for five minutes – FIVE MINUTES – and what do they do?

Not only do they light a fire. Not only does that fire attract the Ringwraiths. Not only do the Ringwraiths attack. Not only does Frodo put the Ring on. Not only does Frodo get himself stabbed by a Morgul blade. Not only do they need me to come and sort them out, complete inadequate fighting wusses that they are.

But they don't even save me any bacon.

Some people.

Considering becoming king just so that I can get my revenge, by holding a banquet and not giving THEM any bacon. See how THEY like it.

But managed to fight off all the Ringwraiths. I rock. So much.

Wouldn't know it from all the appreciation I received…

ENTRY 12

Hobbits are expecting ME to heal Frodo. Catch me admitting that my medical knowledge is next to none. Mum always told me if in doubt, use athelas. Sadly there seems to be very little around.

Suppose I ought to get him to Rivendell. Good Ringbearers are hard to find these days.

Now which way is it? Uhh…

ENTRY 13

Checked my 'Evil Weapons and their Ailments' handbook. Apparently the Morgul blade means that Frodo will turn into a Ringwraith.

Tempted to delay. Would he be less annoying as a wraith?

ENTRY 14

Caught Frodo staring at my coat. Am worried he's considering stealing it. You know, to look more wraithy.

Pressing on with all speed.

ENTRY 15

Finally! Found some athelas! I can look like I know what I'm doing!

ENTRY 16

Oh great. Guess who came along, looking all professional?

Let's see. Would I prefer to have the love of my life turning up when I'm looking extremely cool and fighting off hundreds of orcs, or when I'm ever so slightly grimy, escorting four midgets to her house, one of which is turning into a wraith, and trying to be leader-like?

Golly, I think I'd have to take the hobbits.

So now Arwen has taken charge. Thank Eru. Girls are so much better at this sort of thing than men.

Wait. Where's she going??

ENTRY 17

According to the remaining hobbits, she's taken Frodo to Rivendell.

Well, go her. Someone to blame instead of me if it all goes wrong.

ENTRY 18

Arrived at Rivendell. Everyone was saying, "Wow, how brilliant Arwen is! She got Frodo across the Ford and saved him from the Ringwraiths! She saved Middle-earth! Huzzah! Huzzah!"

Um, hello? Who was playing babysitter for these hobbits all the way from Bree? Arwen wouldn't have coped five minutes! So she took Frodo paddling. La-dee-dah.

Being the only man in an elvish community sucks. Going out for an ale with the hobbits. They understand.

ENTRY 19

Frodo recovering. How come he gets to sleep in Arwen's bed and I don't??

ENTRY 21

Met some weirdo from Gondor called Boromir. Made a very good first impression, I must say. He stared at the painting of Isildur and Sauron as though it was the lay of Beren and Luthien written in the Black Speech, then dropped Narsil on the floor. Oh yes, he seemed lovely.

Then Arwen came. I think we had some sort of important talk about our relationship, but can't remember too much of it because she kissed me afterwards. Score!

ENTRY 22

Just found Arwen's Evenstar in my pocket. Have a horrible feeling I know what that talk was about now.

ENTRY 23

Gandalf tells me that Boromir's the son of the Steward in Gondor. So if I'm king, he'd be my second-in-command.

Am considering a dictatorship.

ENTRY 22

Council of Elrond. Got insulted by Boromir. Then got defended by some random elf. Didn't quite know what to do, but then the elf sitting next to me told me his name was Legolas. So could pretend that I knew him too.

Must do some research about this Legolas. He's acting as though I'm his best friend, but I don't think I've ever seen him before in my life.

Anyway, I'd decided before the council began that if the Ring was destroyed, I'd go with whoever was carrying it.

That was before Frodo volunteered to take it. I had to rethink. But eventually decided, what the hell? I ought to go down to Gondor anyway, to see whether it's worth ruling. Besides, Gandalf's going. It's not like I'll have to be in charge, or anything.

Had to rethink again when I was closely followed by Legolas, who said, "Greetings, mellon nin!" when he came over - who the hell is he?!?!? He was in turn closely followed by some dwarf, Boromir, and the hobbits. Yes. ALL THREE OF THEM.

So on this quest, I'm going to be accompanied by someone who I don't recognize but acts as though we're life-long friends, a dwarf, git from Gondor and three midgets who don't seem to know which way round you hold a sword.

Why don't we just give the Ring to Sauron now and save us the journey?