Kitty and the Rocktumbler
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Sorry, my identity's a secret. The chicks dig it" -
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As promised, I am begining to re-publish my parodies in non-script format. Perhaps it's because I enjoyed writing them all so much that I don't have any sense of dread in writing them up all over again. For those who have read them, you get to read them all over again, probably with a few extra gags thrown in. For those who haven't...WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!! Ahem, sorry. I know for certain this was my first parody, but as for the order of the others, it's just a stab in the dark. So, without furhter ado, here is the parody of 'Beauty and the Beast', the one that started them all....
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ACT ONE: Setting the Scene.
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The beginings of any story, it is said, need a damn good origin. Well, this is no exception. We see a wonderfull stained glass window, filled with moving pictures.
"And so", sighs Magneto, "I begin the monotonous job of being a damn voice over"
Kurt dressed in a directors suit shakes his head.
"Just do it", he said, "vow it's like deja vu all over again"
Magneto clears his throat.
"Once upon a time, in a farway land", he begins, "a young prince lived in a shining castle......hey, that looks my old lab!".
Kurt groans.
"I don't van't the memories, you evil, evil old man!", he snaps.
"Sorry" coughs Magneto, then carries on narrating, "Although he had everything his heart desired, he was spoiled, selfish and unkind".
Lance speaks up from backstage.
"I resent that", he says, "those accusations are only partly true"
Magneto chooses to ignore him, trying to get his part done as quickly as possible. The window shifts to show a stained-glass Lance opening the door to a stained-glass old beggar woman.
"But then, one winters night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard apperance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be decived by apperances, for beauty is found within".
We see stained-glass Lance go to slam the door shut.
"Bloody worse than window salesmen", mutters Lance.
"And when he dismised her again, the old womans ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchanteress", continues Magneto.
The stained-glass old woman turns into stained-glass Wanda.
"I'm beautifull", smiles Wanda, then laughs evily.
Lance ponders his situation.
"Oh crap".
....He seems to hit the nail right on the head. Magneto smirks slightly, then continues the tale.
"The prince tried to appologise, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerfull spell on the castle, and all who lived there".
Wanda a little to happily, hits Lance with a hex-bolt.
"You enjoyed that waaaaaay too much", groans Lance, now off camera.
We move away from the window, seeing a pair of big, furry clawed hands rip a portrait of Lance with a growl.
"Ashamed of his monstorous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world", says Magneto, "The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his twenty-firs...".
Kurt suddenly pops up, whispering in Magneto's ear.
"Oh...", Magneto clears his throat, "Which would bloom until his eighteenth year".
"Hey...now wait a minute....", Lance starts to protest.
We see a lovely red rose, covered by glass, slowly losing it's petals. Magneto continues.
"If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years past, he fell into dispair, and lost all hope...".
"You would too, have you SEEN this suit?!", shouts Lance from backstage, "I look like a lovechild between Sabertooth and 'My Pet Monster'".
"For who could ever learn to love a beast?", finishes Magneto.
Kurt grins, clapping his hands.
"That's a wrap, people", he says happily, "Mastermind, start getting the illusions on our victi.....I mean, actors".
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And there we go. How do you like it? Does it work in this format, or should I quit while the going's good? Do review, and let me know. Until next time.....