When I used to talk about killing myself I thought I wanted that. I was so sick of all of this. Being poor, being a greaser, getting jumped by the socs for kicks, my parents fightin' all the time. I wanted to die. But now, being so tired, the doctors and nurses whispering, trying stuff but it wasn't working…I didn't want to die now. It wasn't fair.

I felt almost too tired to open my eyes but I knew it was sunny, I could feel the sun on my face.

"Johnny?" It was a nurse. Her voice was soft and nice. But I didn't open my eyes. I didn't answer her.

"Johnny?" She came closer, checking the I.V.'s and the machines, and she touched my arm where it wasn't burned. I opened my eyes. She was all dressed in white, short dark hair under a white cap. The room looked brighter than it should have, maybe. Her white uniform kind of glowed, and she peered into my eyes.

"Johnny? Are you in pain?" Her voice was soft and concerned and I closed my eyes. I couldn't keep them open.

"O.K.," she said, but not really to me. Kind of to herself.

I'd tried moving my legs and couldn't. It just didn't seem real. Seemed like I should be able to get up and walk away.

"Hey, kid," I opened my eyes and saw Tim Shepard standing in the doorway. He whistled, a low whistle cause I looked like shit.

"Hey, Tim,"

"Is, uh, where's Dally?"

"Across the hall,"

"Alright. Shit, kid, you look like shit," I laughed a little, then this pain shot through me and I squeezed my eyes shut tight. I bet I was as white as the damn sheet.

"Oh Christ, you alright?" He sounded worried. I'd never heard Tim sound worried about nothin'.

"Yeah," I said, my eyes still shut. Tim was honest, had to give him that.

"Well, alright, uh, see you later," He left, went to see Dally. They'd always been buddies.

It wasn't like I was sleeping so much as passing out, getting sucked into blackness. It wasn't like going to sleep. But time passed. The light was different.

"Hey, Johnnykid," I opened my eyes at the voice. Two bit.

"Hey, y'all," Two bit and Ponyboy. Two bit looked fine, kinda happy go lucky like he usually did. Ponyboy looked like he was gonna cry.

"So he can talk after all," the nurse said to them.

"They treatin' you okay, kid?" Two bit said.

"Don't…" I kind of gasped, "don't let me put enough grease on my hair,"

"Don't talk, just listen," Two bit pulled up a chair, Ponyboy stood behind him. He looked so worried, like he was gonna cry, and kinda sick, too. I felt guilty about Ponyboy. I killed that boy and dragged Pony to that church…this was my fault. If I was gonna die I guess I had myself to blame, but it still wasn't fair.

"We'll bring you some hair grease next time. We're havin' the big rumble tonight," Two bit said. I didn't say nothin'. Dally mentioned that, the big rumble and Cherry Valence being a spy and all. But it wouldn't change nothin'. It was useless.

"It's too bad you and Dally can't be in it. It's the first big rumble we've had, not countin' the time we whipped Shepard's outfit,"

"He came by," I said.

"Tim Shepard?"

I nodded, "Came to see Dally,"

"Did you know you got your name in the paper for being a hero?"

I nodded, "Tuff enough," Shit I was getting tired.

"You want anything besides hair grease, kid?" Two bit said.

"The book," I looked at Pony, "can you get another one?"