Two bit went to the gift shop to get the book and I was glad he left. I liked him and all but he was too bouncy or something. Made me feel even tireder.
Pony sat in the chair and looked sort of scared of me cause I was so hurt. I understood. If it had been him and I was standin' there all healthy and shit I'd feel scared, too. But I wished he wouldn't be cause he didn't have to be scared.
"Dally's gonna be okay," he said, like he'd finally thought of something to say.
"And Darry and me, we're okay now," That was good. I'd known for awhile Pony had it wrong about Darry. But I couldn't really tell him cause sometimes you gotta figure shit out for yourself. I smiled at him but then I felt such a sharp pain like a steel band tightening around my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut tight.
"Johnny!" Ponyboy said, "are you okay?"
I nodded but didn't open my eyes. The pain was going away but just a little.
"Yeah, it just hurts sometimes. It usually don't…I can't feel anything below the middle of my back…"
The pain was going away but so slowly. I was breathing like I'd just ran a race or something.
"I'm pretty bad off, ain't I, Pony?"
"You'll be okay," he said but he didn't mean it. I'd known him too long not to know when he was lying.
"You gotta be," he was saying, and now he was telling the truth, and his voice sounded like he was crying or about to, "we couldn't get along without you,"
I must be dying. Your friends don't cry over you if you're gonna be okay.
"I won't be able to walk again, not even on crutches. Busted my back," I wanted him to see how it was. I knew Ponyboy, and he could get, like, he'd lie to himself about things. Pretend things were okay, like a little kid does.
"You'll be okay," he said, like I had to be okay and if he said it I would be. He was fightin' back the tears. Shit. He knew I was dyin' just as much as I knew it.
"You want to know something, Ponyboy? I'm scared stiff. I used to talk about killing myself…" I sucked in my breath, fighting off the pain and the tiredness. I wanted to close my eyes, pass out, sink in the blackness. But this was important. I had to tell someone.
"I don't want to die now. It ain't long enough. Sixteen years ain't long enough. I wouldn't mind it so much if there wasn't so much stuff I ain't done yet and so many things I ain't seen. It's not fair. You know what? That time we were in Windrixville was the only time I've been away from our neighborhood,"
"You ain't gonna die," he said, and I wanted to believe him.
"And don't get juiced up, because the doc won't let us see you no more if you do,"
I closed my eyes, trying to stay conscious. I knew Pony wouldn't accept me dying for awhile after I'd done it. I knew that. Of course while he's talkin' to me here he'll pretend I'll be okay. I used to like that, his way of pretending, but I could never do it.
"Johnny," a nurse said, "your mother's here to see you,"
I opened my eyes. My mother? What the hell did she want?
"I don't want to see her,"
"She's your mother,"