"And it feels like yesterday was a year ago
But I don't wanna let anybody know
'Cause everybody wants something from me now
And I don't wanna let 'em down
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me
And you say
"As long as I'm here, no one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here, but you can learn to
If I could change the way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you hear
'They don't deserve you'"
Everything I Wanted - Billie Eilish
Shutting the door behind himself after L shuffled into the bedroom, Beyond shifted an awkward stare away from the man that ruined his life. "Okay. You have your time. You can't back out now." The younger raven pressed himself against the door in defiance of a potential escape attempt.
"Mm. Yes. A simple explanation won't even begin to remedy this. However, I had my reasons." His deep eyes shifted to Beyond who seemed to be guarding the door. "You want to know as much as I want to tell you, please lend me some trust."
Scowling slightly at the detective, Beyond huffed his bangs out of his face and planted himself on his bed near the headboard, arms and legs crossed with a critical stare. "Fine." His voice was impatient and curt.
L placed himself in front of Beyond and placed his hands on the knees of the former killer, lifting his eyes sadly from his hands actions. "I have always loved you, so much so, that I choose to end any possibility of my own happiness with you." A frustrated scoff was heard from the younger male. "I understand how insane that sounds, but everything I touch dies. Everything and everyone that I love goes away. I have always suffered from insomnia ever since the passing of my mother. Quillish didn't catch on for some time. However, I had taken to the habit of wandering the manor when I couldn't sleep." A timid smile crept forth. "The amount of times I checked on you while you were asleep would be borderline criminal." L pulled his hands back away from Beyond. "Roger and Quillish fretted over my health, they were convinced that I would likely be my own demise, had I not been so busy, they might have been right. I often wonder what I would have done if my mind was ever allowed the time to process the trauma."
Beyond flitted his eyes downcast away from the admission of weakness. "Is that why you're so immature?"
L bit his bottom lip, rolling it back outwards and nodded almost childishly. "I believe I stopped maturing at some point and even regressed, it took a near death experience to release the folly of being untouchable. It was then that I think the gravity of mortality sank in. It took a boy who thought himself a god to make me realize, I also was not a god, despite being praised and nearly worshiped as one. It… goes to your head and you stop thinking about the consequences of your own actions nonetheless your words."
Scarlet eyes rolled in annoyance. "Tell me that, that is your reasons."
Shaking ebony bangs over his charcoal eyes, the older male's breath caught before continuing. "Roger wanted to train you to become the next L. Quillish was adamant in refusal. He said it would have to be your choice, it was the least he could do in Sharon's memory." L tucked his head lower. "When you agreed, I was scared. I didn't want you to ever be in danger. So, I pushed you away, I wanted you to be disheartened… to take back your acceptance. I realize now, that's not how that would have worked. But, I kept pushing you away, hoping that you wouldn't want anything to do with me or anything to do with being a detective." Lifting his head to meet the gaze he knew was measuring him. "You were the only thing I had left to love, the only thing that never went away…Until."
When a saddened charcoal lifted to a crimson stare of suspicion. "Explain the other successors then." Beyond's voice was cold, but losing intensity.
"Roger said you were damaged. Fractured, as if you weren't just a boy who'd been through more than he as a man ever had to endure." L's fists seemed to tighten while continuing, his voice taking a near venomous tone. "He said that the next L couldn't be a scared little boy, that the next L had to be perfect, better than the current, flawless. That he needed options to train to be a superior version of L." The detective's jaw tightened as he spoke. "When it didn't work, he'd up the pressure, raise the bar, only to create more fractured people."
L could feel all of the tension melt from himself when a warm hand touched his cheek, refocusing his thoughts. "When you left… it was the first real time I ever had to face my own actions." A shuddered breath was taken in. "The first time my mind finally tracked through everything that happened. I laid in your room for three days, demanding to be left alone. I wanted to know where I went wrong, how it came to this, why everything happened." Feeling his lower lip quivering in the revelations. "I had no one to blame but myself. I started questioning everything. What if I did this, what if I never did that… What if I just called you B, instead of patronizing you." L's eyes met with Beyond's sympathetic stare. "My world had crashed in, and I did it to myself. You know, it wasn't until you were incarcerated, that I knew your actual birthday? I felt left in the dark, like I didn't even know you… It was then realized that I didn't. I loved you from a distance, because I was a coward. I avoided you and pushed you away, because I believed the closer you got to me, the more I would destroy you, because that's what Roger said I was good at. Destruction. I wanted to prove him wrong so badly, that all I did was prove him right. Time after time. The Kira case only seemed to brighten that truth."
"So my take away. You suck at making choices." L hung his head in defeat but widened his eyes when the bed dipped closer to him and a whispered voice came from directly in front of his face. "Thank god for that, at least you never fixed that flaw." L felt his eyes fall shut when a forehead was pressed against his. "If you had finally figured out how to make good choices, I wouldn't be here." Charcoal eyes snapped open when he felt Beyond place himself over L's folded legs. "Appease my ego and I might forgive you. How much did you suffer?" A sadistic smirk seemed to spread on Beyond's lips as he pulled his forehead from the other.
L leaned forward slightly, meeting the crimson stare, speaking hardly over a murmur straining to contain his emotion. "Every. Single. Day. I couldn't sleep because you'd be there, chastising me with the truths, only my own mind could know." L ran the pad of his thumb over Beyond's cheekbone. "Guilt had consumed me, leaving a bitter taste, almost metallic, I couldn't eat anything other than sugar. It was always my preferred diet, but I couldn't eat anything else without feeling nauseated, like a mouth full of blood. I felt numb and cold, like all of the love I could have ever have, had left with you. I only ever smiled when I was making someone else miserable. I didn't have the desire to speak with anyone more than I had to, because you were the only one I wanted to talk to. The only one who understood me was you."
A pleased hum resounded from the former murderer but a sharp tone responded. "So, you lost sleep and couldn't eat normally? Why is that different from your usual?" Beyond seemed to narrow the gap between them with accusation.
"It wasn't just that. I couldn't sleep as a child. As a fractured man, I could only micronap, only dozing off for a few minutes at a time. As a boy I loved sweets; as a broken man, it's all I could stomach. I often requested wellness checks on you, to the point where you were deemed a distraction. And, you were. Roger had gone to the lengths to generate a death report on you during the Kira case, to spur my attention back to the case. However, it made me reckless and ruthless. It was then that I was relieved of my duty in the case. He said it only proved that a fractured boy could never be L." Spindly hands rested on the hips of the younger man. "My favorite thing to eat now is Strawberry Shortcake… because it reminded me of you and your brilliant smile. But, it's even better when it's made with strawberry jam, not filling." Leaning forward a couple inches, L felt his breath hitch taking in the gaze that seemed to be consuming him. "It was the last thing you ever made for me. And I couldn't let it go. I've never been good at letting things go after you left. I became obsessive, possessive and cruel."
Closing the gap to mere centimeters between them, Beyond whispered on L's full lips. "Good. I'm glad you suffered." Placing his hands on either side of the detective's head, he ran his thumbs along both cheekbones. "I'm glad that you were so tormented by my memory. I think, I'd like to torture you more."
Humming slightly before whispering back. "Only you. I would gladly be a victim to you. I love you, Beyond, and if that's what needs to happen, I deserve it."
Beyond bit his own bottom lip, releasing it seductively before closing the gap between them entirely, pulling L in tighter by the sides of his head. Beyond could feel the grip on his hips tighten before gently releasing as he parted the embrace. Gazing over the detective with an analytical stare. The way the light from the lamp seemed to reflect off of porcelain like skin, the half lidded longing stare, lips parted slightly that seemed to beg for another taste. "That is all I ever wanted. To leave you wanting."
Scarlet eyes widened when he was lifted from the bed and slammed into the mattress with L leaning over him, both arms on either side of his shoulders. "Then… you've always had what you wanted. Because, all I've ever wanted, was you."
Smirking deviously, Beyond switched the lamp off, leaving the only source of light the cold moonlight from outside. L felt his head being forcibly pulled closer as Beyond whispered on his lips. "Prove it." Brushing the ravened hair from L's face. "I love you too, L."
A hungry stare consumed the detective's eyes as he nearly ripped his shirt over his head and collided their lips together in a bruising kiss. Parting the kiss L laughed quietly, reminiscing. "Remember when Quillish caught us in the piano room about to kiss?" A slightly louder laugh came forward from his throat. "He was so mad."
Beyond ran his fingers through L's hair. "Oh my, what would he say now? You lusting after me so…"
L tugged at Beyond's pants fervidly before leaning in for another consuming kiss whispering on the younger raven's lips. "Quillish is dead, he can't stop me now. I won't let anyone stand in my way to you any longer." Capturing Beyond's lips once again, still tugging on the offending garment.
Humming happily in the embrace, Beyond bit L's lower lip tenderly, attempting to remove his pants. He huskily whispered into L's ear. "Anyone?"
L grazed his teeth along Beyond's neck, provoking a breathy moan from him, in between gentle nips L whispered out. "Anyone in my way will be destroyed, indiscriminately."