Kitty and the Rocktumbler
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Wear this, and you'll have to beat the men off with a stick" "I don't need a stick".
ACT SEVEN - A plot, a evil plot.
In a tavern in the village, Colossus is dorowning his sorrows with Pyro by his side.
"Who does she think she is?", he rants, sitting on his chair near the fire, "That girl has tangled with the wrong man. No one says 'no' to Piotr!".
"Darn right!", says Pyro, suprisingly cheerfull.
"Dismissed. Rejected. Publicly humiliated", Piotr sighs sadly, "Why, it's more than I can bear".
He grabs the beer kegs Pyro was holding, tossing them into the fire.
"More Four X?", asks Pyro helpfully.
Colossus mutters something about Autralians and beer and turns his chair away from Pyro
"What for?", he moans, "Nothing helps. I'm disgraced".
"Who?, you?. Never. Piotr, you've got to pull yourself together, mate".
"...Oh God, you're going to sing, aren't you?", moans Piotr.
"Yes, yes I am", says Pyro...and does.
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Piotr
Looking so down in the dumps
Pyro pulls Piotr's face into a smile....Piotr promptly punches the singing Austrailian across the room.
Every guy here'd love to be you, Piotr
Even when taking your lumps
All the men of the bar raise their glasses in agreement, as Pyro continues to sing....giving Piotr a noogie.
There's no man in town as admired as you
You're everyone's favorite guy
Everyone's awed and inspired by you
Pyro spins Piotr chair to face the room.
And it's not very hard to see whhhhhyyyyyy
Dani, Amanda and Amara lean on him and sigh, as Pyro sings.
No one's slick as Piotr, no one's quick as Piotr
No one's neck's as incredibly thick like Piotr
He yanks a belt from around Gauntlet's waist as the green-skinned one tries to make a pass at Viper. Guantlet blinks as his trousers promptly fall down, as Pyro wraps the belt around Piotr's neck. Piotr blinks, changing into his metal form, the belt snapping under the strain.
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon
He jumps onto Sam, Ray and Tabby's heads.
You can ask any Sam, Ray or Tabby
And they'd tell you who's team they'd prefer to be oooooonnnn
Sam, Ray and Tabby promptly grab Pyro, tossing him around the room as they sing drunkenly.
"Drunkenly?", sayd Kurt, popping up, "I thought ve had non alchoholic beer here!"
"I wanted something different, so bite me!", snaps Logan, pulliing off his wolf costume, downing a beer.
No one's been like Piotr, a king-pin like Piotr, sing the drunks.
Pyro hops up and points at Colossus' face, singing.
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Piotr
Piotr grins, standing up and flexing his metal muscles.
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating, he sings.
My what a guy that Piotr
Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip-hips, sing the drunks.
Piotr is the best and the rest are all drips!, sings Pyro, accidentally soaking Piotr in beer.
"HE WASTED BEER!", screams Logan, "KILL HIM!!!"
Pyro meeps as Piotr happily socks him one, the drunks still singing drunkenly.
No one fights like Piotr, douses lights like Piotr
Colossus bites Bobby's leg
"Owww!Geez!", snaps Bobby.
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Piotr, he whimpers.
"Sorry", says Piotr, "Kurt made me do it...if it makes you feel better, I did not enjoy it"
"Gee, I feel so good now, thanks", says Bobby dryly.
For there's no one as burly or brawny, sing Dani, Amanda and Amara from their seat on a bench.
As you see I've got biceps to spare, sings Piotr, picking up the bench..and three girls.
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny, sings Pyro.
That's right, and every last inch of me's covered in steel, sings Piotr.
".....Thanks for sharing", winces Kurt as the drunks sing again.
No one hits like Piotr, matches wits like Pitor
We see Colossus attempting to play chess against Xavier, not being bale to make a move, he crushes the chess board into pieces
"Oh......poo", says Xavier with a sigh.
In a spitting match nobody spits like Piotr, sings Pyro.
Piotr chews up a belt in his mouth while singing.
I'm especially good at expactorating! Phootey
He spits the belt part into a spitoon, which smacks Pyro on the ehad. The drunks happily sing, holding up scorecards.
Ten points for Piotr
Colossus grabs some eggs and starts juggling them
When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large
He swallows them, shells and all
And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge
No one shoots like Piotr, makes those beauts like Piotr, sing the drunks as Piotr shoots a beer keg, releasing it's contents for the drunks.
Then goes stomping around wearing boots like Piotr, sing Pyro, as Piotr does so...in his big boots.
I use antlers in all of my decorating, sings Piotr, waving at the hunting trophies on the wall.
"Todd Fan vould like to take this oportunity to point out she disagrees with hunting", says Kurt, "thank you"
"I do too!", points out Piotr, "I'd rather decorate with my drawings of flowers and ponies!"
"............................", say the drunks.
"Never mind", he sighs.
My what a guy, Piotr, sing the drunks.
As they wave their hands in the big finallie, Forge falls through the door, looking like the hounds of hell are after him.
"Awww...he ruined my song", whines Pyro.
"Someone help me, please!", says Forge panicky.
"Forge?", says Gambit, blinking.
"No, it's Inspector Gadget", says Forge dryly, "yes, Forge! Please, please. I need your help. He's got her!. He's got her locked in a dungeon!".
"Who?", asks Evan
"Kitty. We have to go now, man!", says Forge, pointing at the door.
"Whoah, slow down, Forge", says Piotr, "Who's got Kitty locked up in a dungeon?".
"A beast", says Forge, gesturing wildly with his arms, "A monstourous horrible beast..with a bad hairstyle!".
Everyone stares at him for a second, before bursting out laughing
".......It's high school all over again", sighs Forge.
"Is it a big beast?", smirks Bobby
"Huge!", says Forge, not catching the sarcasm.
"With a long, ugly snout?", says Ray, putting his beer glass to his mouth to make a snout.
"Yeah, it's wiggy man", says Forge.
"And sharp, cruel fangs?", asks Alex.
"What part of 'monstourous horrible beast' did you NOT understand?", mutters Forge, "Will you help me?".
"All right, old man", smiles Piotr, "We'll help you out".
"You will? Oh thank you, tha...", Forge pauses, "wait..what did you just call me?".
The drunks grab Forge and toss him out into the snow, slamming the door behind him
"A simple 'no' would suffice", calls out Forge.
"Crazy 'ol Forge, he's always good for a laugh", snorts Tabby.
"Crazy 'ol Forge mmmmm?", ponders Piotr, "Crazy 'ol Forge, hmmm".
"'Crazy 'ol Forge' can hear you!!!", shouts Forge, "I'll come after you and your children!!!"
Piotr ignores him, gesturing Pyro over, singing.
Pyro, I'm afraid I've been thinking
A dangerous pastime, sings Pyro.
I know, aggrees Piotr.
But that wacky old coot is Kitty's father
And his sanity's only so-so
"I heard that, Tin-Man", shouts Forge from outside, "You want to come out here and tell me that? I'll melt you into scrap iron!"
Piotr pretends he doesn't hear him, continuing.
Now the wheels in my head have been turning
Since I looked at that looney old man
See I promised myself I'd be married to Kitty
And right now i'm evolving a plan!
He grabs Pyro and starts to whisper in his ear
"If I...".
"Yes?".
"Then I....".
"No, would she?".
"....Guess!".
"Now I get it!", grins Pyro.
"Lets go", they both say, starting to waltz around the room, the height difference making it very commical
(They both start to waltz around the room).
No one plots like Piotr, takes cheap shots like Piotr
Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Piotr, sings Pyro.
The drunks raise their glasses, singing.
So his marriage we soon will be celebrating
My what a guy, Piotr!
They all starts to party, while Forge sits out in the snow, muttering
"Looney old man, I'll show him loo....", he mutters.
"Line!", hisses Kurt.
"Will nobody help me, boo hoo, oh woe is me", says Forge in monotone.
"...There vas no need for that attitude", sighs Kurt, "cut"
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And there we go, this chapter has REALLY been upgraded, wooot!