Kitty and the Rocktumbler
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "She's amazing! She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men".
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ACT NINE - Singing for dinner.
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Kitty quietly leaves her room, walking past a curtain where three spots of light are and some giggling. Pietro comes out, chasing Rogue
"Oh no". giggles Rogue
"Oh yes". grins Pietro
"I said NO, damnit!", snaps Rogue.
"Oh yes, yes, yes", laughes Pietro, ignoring her.
"I have been burned by you before", says Rogue
"Badumpump!", says Kurt.
Pietro grabs Rogue in his arms and purrs at her, then notices Kitty, dropping Rogue on the floor.
"Zut alors! She has emerged!", says Pietro.
"Oww...on floor here", mumbles Rogue
In the kitchen, Hank is putting the cups and kitchen utensils to bed. Todd is there, as is a stove which looks remarkably like Freddy
"Come on, Jamie. Into the cuboard with your brothers and sisters", says Hank
"I'm sure there's a law against putting your child in a cupboard", mutters Jamie, before yawning, "But I'm not sleepy".
"Yes you are", says Hank
"No i'm no..zzzzzzz".
"I work and I slave all day, and for what?", shouts Freddy, looking sadly at his uneaten food, "A culinary masterpiece gone to waste".
"Wow, those are big words for you Freddy", wistles Todd.
"Shut it. Ticky!", snaps Freddy.
"Oh, stop your grousing", says Hank, "It's been a long night for all of us".
"Well, if ya ask me, she was just bein' stubborn!", grumbles Todd, "After all, the master did say 'please'".
"But if the master doesn't learn to control his temper", points out Hank, "he'll never break the sp....".
Hank stops as Kitty comes in, Todd cutting him off
"Splendid to see you out and about Mademoiselle. I am Todd, head of the household...".
Pietro speeds in knocking him away and kissing Kitty's hand
"An' this is Pietro", mutters Todd.
"En chante, cherie". says Pietro, throwing her one of his dashing smiles.
Todd tries to talk over Pietro as he continues to kiss Kitty's hand.
"If there's anything", he gives a frustrated sigh, "stop that!...that we can..please!".
He pushes Pietro off Kitty
"...Ta make your stay more comfortable".
Pietro burns Todd's hands to get him out of the way
"Oww!", snapes Todd, jumping out of the way.
"I am a little hungry", smiles Kitty.
"You are? You hear that? She's hungry", shouts Hank, the kitchen items coming to life, "Stoke the fire, break out the silverware, wake the china".
"I'm stoking, already", grumbles Freddy.
"Remember what the master said....", protests Todd.
"Oh pish tosh. I'm not going to let the poor child go hungry", says Hank stubbornly.
"Pish Tosh?", blinks Todd, "Oh, all right. A glass of water, a crust of bread an' then....".
"Todd, i'm surprised at you", chides Pietro, "She's not our prisoner. She's our guest! We must make her feel welcome here. Right this way mademoiselle".
Pietro begins to lead Kitty into another room.
"Well keep it down", whispers Todd, "If the master find out about this, it will be our necks!".
"Of course, of course", says Pietro, then returns with a wicked grin, "But what is dinner, without a little...music?".
He goes thorgh the swinging door, catapulting Todd into the wall
"MUSIC?!!!!", screams Todd.
In the dining room, Kitty is settled down at the head of the table, it all goes dark and a spotlight falls on Pietro
"Ma chere, mademoiselle. It is with deepest pleasure and greatest pride that I welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to relax. Let us pull up a chair, as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner".
He clears his throat, ready for his big singing number.
Be our guest, be our guest
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin round your neck cherie
And we'll provide the rest
Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres
Why we only live to serve
Try the grey stuff, it's delicous
Don't beilive me? Ask the dishes
They can sing, they can dance
After all, miss, this is France
Kitty blinks as dishes dance around her, forming an Eiffel Tower.
"Techinally, it isn.....", she starts.
"Keep singing!", shouts Kurt, "this stunt is costing us half the parody!"
Pietro blinks, then continues to sing.
And a dinner here is never second best
Go on unfold your menu take a glance and then you'll
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest
Various food come dancing out in front of Kitty as Pietro sings.
Beef ragout, cheese souffle
Pie and pudding, en flambe
Todd pokes his head out of the dish as Pietro sets it alight.
"You're worse than Pyro!", he says as he drops unconsious
We'll prepare and serve with flare
A culinary cabaret
You're alone and you're scared
But the banquets all prepared
No one's gloomy or complaining
While the flatwears entertaining
We tell jokes I do tricks
With my fellow candelsticks
Two mugs appear, that look like Mesmero and Angel
And it's all in prefect taste
That you can bet, they sing
The other random objects of the house begin to sing.
Come on and lift your glass
You've won your own free pass
To be our guest, be our guest, be our guest
If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest, adds Pietro
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest.
The music hits a down beat as the room is pitched in darkness, a spotlight falling on Pietro, who grabs Todd, hugging his neck sadly as he sings.
Life is so unnerving
For a servant who's not serving
He's not whole without a soul to wait upon.
"Get off!", mutters Todd as Pietro continues to sing.
Ah those good old days when we were usefull
Suddenly those good old days are gone
It suddenly begins to 'snow'. Todd looks up to see a salt shaker thowing salt on them. He sighs, rolling his eyes as Pietro sings.
Ten years we've been rusting
Needing so much more than dusting
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills!
Pietro dusts the salt off Todd as Todd escapes, falling into a jelly
Most days we just lay around the castle
Flabby fat and lazy
You walked in and oops-a-daisy
He jumps on a spoon, catapulting Todd out of the jelly and across the room. Inside the kitchen, Hank is getting everything sorted, singing as he goes.
It's a guest, it's a guest
Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed
"It's begining to become obvious why Todd Fan wanted Hank in this role", mutters Kurt, "it's worse than 'Stars and Garters'".
"Shut up, I don't make fun of YOUR catchphrase", says Hank.
"That's because I don't have one", says Kurt, "I'm the COOL blue guy".
Hank rolls his eyes continuing to sing.
Wine's been poured and thank the lord
I've had the napkins freshly pressed
With desert she'll want tea
And my dear, that's fine with me
While the cups do their soft shoeing
I'll be bubbling, I'll be brewing
I'll get warm, piping hot
He pauses, seeing a dirty spot on his teapot self.
Heavens sake, is that a spot?
Clean it up, we want the company impressed
Some napkins float alogn to clean him up.
We've got a lot to do
The tea-trolly he is on comes in and stops by Kitty as Hank sings.
Is it one lump or two?
For you our guest
She's our guest, sing the appliances
She's our guest, sings Hank again as the whole cast begin to sing.
She's our guest
Be our guest, be our guest
Our command is your request
It's been ten years since we had anbody here
And we're obsessed
With your meal, with your ease
Yes indeed, we aim to please
While the candelights still glowing
Let us help you, we'll keep going
We see Pietro, wearing a candle stopper like a berret, he sings a slower beat again.
Course by course
One by one
The appliances sing in their manical way again.
Until you shout, enough i'm done
Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
But for now, let's eat up
Be our guest, be our guest, be out guest
Please be our guest!
There is a fantastic finish, with everyone dancing, until Pietro takes the centre stage bowing
"Thank you, thank you", says Pietro, "Ahhhh me public!".
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This time, you lucky readers, you get two acts instead of one! So click onwards!