Chapter 23: You Don't Own Me
"I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please"
Friday. January 24th, 1986.
POV: Winter Reid
My pom-poms collide in front of my chest as the final buzzer blares through the gymnasium with a vibrating bzzzt. Helen bounces up and down next to me, whooping loudly. The fans rise in the stands and roar. The Hawkins basketball team continues its winning streak.
The boys form a line on the court and walk past the defeated team, who wear red jerseys and disappointed faces. The athletes slap each other's hands as they file past each other.
I sigh, "Another one bites the dust."
Helen looks over at me and is about to speak when something over my shoulder catches her eye. I cast a glance behind me to see a freckled girl wearing a band hat and clutching a gold trumpet looking in our direction—her gaze fixed on Helen.
The girl smiles and raises her instrument in a small wave. I look back at Helen, who stands frozen. The cheerleaders around us saunter onto the court and begin flirting with the players, casting upward glances through their eyelashes and brushing their pom-poms over their exposed arms.
"Let's go get our stuff," I say and drag Helen by the elbow to the side of the bleachers.
Helen's gaze remains fixed on the girl in the marching band, who begins to descend from her spot in the bleachers. As she gets closer, Helen quickly looks away and turns towards me. I place two hands on her shoulders and spin her around. With one soft push against her back, I force her to stumble forwards. She stops right in front of Robin Buckley.
"Hi!" Robin says.
"Hey..." Helen replies.
I nod to myself, impressed with my wing-woman skills.
"Um, good game!" Robin says quickly. Helen tilts her head at her. "Well, I mean, good cheerleading. With the pom-poms... it was good."
Helen smiles softly and gestures toward Robin's trumpet. "The band sounded good, too."
"Thanks!" Robin smiles.
An awkward pause drifts between them, and I carefully take a few small steps backward. I don't want Helen to turn around and use me as an excuse to exit this conversation.
Finally, Helen says, "Um... I liked that movie you recommended to me."
Robin raises her eyebrows.
"Really? Rosemary's Baby?" She looks thrilled. "I'm surprised! But, like a good surprise. That's one of my favorite movies. I think it's a really interesting take on the fear women have living under patriarchal control."
She has the same nervous energy as Helen, but her words pour out as if there isn't much of a filter to edit them. Helen speaks with caution as if finding the words to say is nearly impossible.
"No... not that movie," Helen shakes her head. "That one kind of scared the bejeezus out of me."
Robin's face falls.
"It scared you?"
"Well... yeah. Um, Winter is always telling me that my house is full of ghosts. And... after watching that movie, I kind of started to believe her." Her hands twist the shiny strands of her pom-poms. "I think I might need to sage my bedroom now or something."
Robin laughs, and Helen looks up at her with surprise. Her eyes shimmer into Robin's for a moment, but she drops her gaze down to her sneakers.
Robin rocks awkwardly from side to side.
"But you like the other movie, right? The Audrey Hepburn one? I mean, I guess that one is a little scary too since she tries to asphyxiate in the garage, but then she goes to Paris, and she's very sophisticated-"
"Yeah. That one!" Helen cuts off her ramble. "I liked that one a lot. Audrey Hepburn is so classy."
I tilt my head at them. They stand close, but not too close; their eyes meet and immediately look away, and they both busy their hands by clutching objects tightly in their fists.
"Yeah..." Robin's gloved hands cling to her trumpet. "It makes sense that that's the kind of girl you'd like."
Helen's eyes grow wide.
Robin continues quickly, "Girl actress! Actress. I just think it fits you... it fits your personality that you'd like Audrey Hepburn. Because she's so cool and elegant."
She lets out a small laugh, trying to dissolve the tension in the air.
Helen hugs her pom-poms tighter and doesn't respond.
"Like, my favorite actresses are Joan Crawford or Shirley MacLaine, y'know?" Robin rambles. "I think that says a lot about me as a person." She throws her arms up in a big shrug.
I hear a deep exhale next to me. I glance over slowly and notice a tall boy standing next to me for the first time. He has his hands pushed tightly against his hips, and he shakes his head at the scene in front of us. It's the same dude who checked out our tapes at Family Video.
"Did you know they did a movie together?" Robin asks Helen.
Helen blinks. "Who?"
Robin shuffles a little. "Um, Audrey Hepburn and Shirley MacLaine. They did a movie together. It's called The Children's Hour."
"Oh..." Helen nods her head. "Is that another movie with an innocent-sounding title, but then the actual movie is definitely not?"
Robin's face slowly reveals a small grin; she looks at Helen with a mix of awe and humor.
"No... not at all," Robin says.
Helen tilts her head and squints her eyes.
"I don't know if I should trust you, Robin."
Robin's cheeks flush at the sound of Helen saying her name. Helen seems more assured somehow and stares deeply into her eyes.
Attagirl, Helen.
"No, you can trust me!" Robin stammers. "You can totally trust me! I've been told that I'm very... trustworthy."
She forces her speech to a halt by sinking her upper teeth into her bottom lip. Her band hat begins to wobble slightly on her head, and she pushes it back upright with one palm.
Helen laughs lightly and looks back down at her pom-poms. I feel her energy soften, as if she isn't so nervous anymore.
"Okay, I trust you," she says, her tone light and playful. "Next time I go to the video store, you can give me whatever weird movie you want, and I'll watch it."
Robin's hand drops off her hat and falls slack against her body. The plume begins to slide to the left again.
She opens her mouth and whispers, "Really?"
"Sure," Helen shrugs her shoulders. "As long as it doesn't psychologically scar me too much."
Helen absentmindedly begins to drag the toe of her sneaker slowly across the polished wood floor. I catch Robin looking down as it covers the space between them, slowly arching across the shiny court and gently brushing Robin's foot.
The boy next to me continues to watch this scene unfold with his arms crossed loosely and a proud smile dancing across his face.
I look again at my fellow spectator.
"Steve Harrington?"
He looks over at me, startled. He blinks in confusion.
"We met briefly at Family Video," I explain.
"Oh!" He nods his head and looks back at Robin. "Cool!"
My eyes drift back to the cheerleader and the band geek, watching with a smile as their initial awkwardness dissipates into playful intrigue.
I glance at Robin and can tell from her shaking voice that Helen makes her incredibly nervous, although she strikes me as someone who is always nervous. Helen stands poised and quiet, she's more subtle and careful with her words, but she can't disguise the soft pink blush that paints her cheeks.
They both dissolve into laughter, and their shoulders relax. It makes my heart swell.
"I'm waiting for Helen," I say to Steve. "Are you waiting for Robin?"
He doesn't look over but nods his head.
"Yeah, I'm waiting for Robin."
"Cool," I reply.
We're like two mothers sitting on a park bench and observing their children playing tag in the park.
Ahh, they grow up so fast.
Helen and Robin both turn and start walking toward Steve and me. They move slowly side by side as if trying to stretch out the distance they need to cover before reaching us. Their shoulders lightly bump together.
Helen turns around in front of Robin.
"Well... bye," she utters softly.
She takes a couple of steps backward until she's right beside me. I observe her face; she looks like she's floating through a dream.
My eyes trail from her hopeful face to Robin's starry-eyed expression. Robin continues to stare at her and doesn't notice me standing here.
"Bye," Robin responds.
I wrap my hand through the crook of Helen's elbow, gently dragging her toward our duffle bags, her eyes only breaking their contact with Robin standing underneath the basketball hoop when we disappear into the cool air.
"Well," I say. "That was nice."
Helen's eyes blink rapidly as if clearing away a far-off thought.
"What was nice?"
I smile at her. "Just... everything."
Helen nods her head. "Yeah, everything is nice."
I laugh a little, and we walk away from the gym.
"Hey, Winter!" I hear a voice call behind me.
Helen and I both turn around as Theodore Knight jogs towards us.
Oh, shit. I forgot about him.
He regards me with a lopsided smile.
"Were you going to ditch me?"
"Ditch you?" Helen asks.
"I forgot," I say at the same time.
"Well, good thing I caught you then," Theo says and shoves his hands into the pockets of his Varsity jacket.
Helen looks at me, bewildered, and I give her an innocent smile.
"Shall we go?" Theo asks me.
Helen stares at me, and I feel a little guilty for not mentioning that Theo was giving me a ride home after the game. It feels like information she probably wanted me to share.
A short beep sounds from behind us. I turn around to see her father's red BMW idling, but she doesn't budge. Helen tilts her head at me and slowly looks over at Theo.
"Here, I'll walk you to your car," I say quickly, forcing her to turn away from him.
She grounds her feet in front of the passenger side door, refusing to go any further, and squints her eyes harshly.
"Winter... you're hanging out with Theo after the game?" Her voice comes out shrill and humorless. "And you didn't tell me? How dare you! You have to tell me these things!"
"I'm sorry," I blurt, my guilt bubbling over. "I honestly forgot! He asked me during lunch, which... by the way... thanks so much for telling him that I was in the library! Why did you do that?"
"I didn't realize it was such a secret," she shrugs.
"He ambushed me!" I yell.
"Oh, please. You're hanging out with him right now!" She stomps her foot and gestures a hand at the boy standing just a few feet away. I slap her hand down quickly. "You should be thanking me! I did you a favor!"
"We're not hanging out!" I realize our voices are probably carrying easily over to Theo's ears, and I glance over my shoulder. He looks down at his shoes softly, and his expression says he has heard every word.
I sigh and turn back to Helen.
"He's just giving me a ride home."
"Oh, I see. Sure," she drawls sarcastically. "The most popular boy in school is just taking you home. No biggie!"
I drop my shoulders in frustration.
"It's true. It's just a ride. Next time, don't give away my whereabouts so easily, okay? You have to hold firm."
"Being friends with you is exhausting," she grumbles. "Why do I have to force you toward normal things?"
"Maybe because I'm not normal? And you aren't either!" I say the words quickly, and almost harshly.
I'm thinking about her conversation in the gym with Robin and how it seemed more than friendly. I stop myself from teasing her about it, though. I wish they would stop fumbling around each other and be straightforward about their feelings, but I understand it's not exactly the same situation I am in with Theo.
Helen tilts her head. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing... I just..." I sigh.
I shouldn't bring up Robin. I don't want to cross that line. That's something she can talk to me about when she is ready.
"Just... we're outsiders, remember?"
Helen smiles, and I'm grateful she doesn't seem offended.
"Yeah, well, whatever happens…" She stares into my eyes with an intensity I've never seen her wear before, reminding me of how the Hawkins' coach looks when he slaps his hand down on a player's shoulder and gives them a pep talk. "I expect you to call and give me a full status report. Details, Winter, I want details!"
I reach around her and open the passenger door.
"There won't be any details to give."
"There better be! Do something detail worthy!" Helen yells as she folds into the BMW.
I laugh and lightly push her into her car. I slam the door shut and peer down through the window.
"Goodnight, Helen."
"Have fun!" She calls through the window. I stand back up and watch as the car drives away.
"You ready?"
I jump at the proximity of the voice. I whirl around, and Theo holds up one hand defensively.
Why do I keep forgetting that he's here?
"Yeah," I say softly, offering him a tight smile. "We can go now."
He nods his head and guides me wordlessly toward a silver Volkswagen.
I let out a low whistle. Theo raises his eyebrows at me.
"Sorry... it's fancy," I say.
Theo laughs and opens the passenger door.
I settle inside and start gazing around the interior. It's meticulously maintained, and it still has a new car smell. Theo climbs in and starts the engine. It roars to life effortlessly, and as we pull out of the parking lot, it glides along the pavement. It's very different from Eddie's van, which always feels like the tires are going to fall off as you drive.
There is no clutter in this car; in fact, there's almost nothing in here at all.
I lean forward and open his glove compartment to begin rummaging through it.
"Are you looking for something?" Theo asks.
He is driving with one hand on the wheel and the other hanging out of the open window.
"I'm looking for some personality," I respond.
Theo laughs. I set the contents of his glove box on my lap: a car manual, a flashlight, and a small tin of mints.
I look over at him curiously; he shifts uncomfortably under my stare. I turn around and study his back seat. There is nothing, not a stinky pair of sneakers or a girl's bra—both of which I have seen before in Eddie's van. I slowly settle back into the passenger seat.
"Huh..." I say.
"Did you find any personality?" He asks.
"If you consider being clean a personality trait, then, yes, I did."
Theo laughs, "I'm sorry... should I be messy?"
I lean one elbow on the center console.
"I'm just perplexed. No cassette tapes, no fast food wrappers... what does your trunk look like?"
"You want to go through my trunk?" He asks.
"No," I shrug. "I have a feeling there's nothing in there besides jumper cables and a Bible. Like one they leave in motel rooms."
Theo laughs loudly at this, and I wiggle in my seat. I feel the urge to apologize for my nosiness.
"Sorry."
"No... no. Don't apologize!" He says. "I find you refreshing."
I lift the box of mints that I found in his glove box and rattle it softly.
"Refreshing?"
Theo smiles at me. "Yeah."
Silence grows in the car, but it isn't a comfortable one. Or at least not to me. I feel like everything I say comes out more harshly than I intended, and he's only laughing to remain polite. I shove the contents back into the glove box and shut it with a thud.
The car stops, and I look up.
I turn my head towards Theo. "Is this where you think I live?"
He unbuckles his seatbelt and looks through the windshield. The red neon diner sign reflects across his face.
He looks back at me and offers me a simple shrug.
I scoff and push my head back into the seat.
"You tricked me."
"No, I didn't," he explains. "I said I would drive you home, and I will. But... I'm hungry. You don't mind, do you?"
I push my hands into my lap. I feel a small bubble of anxiety expanding in my gut.
Oh, great. Two minutes alone with a boy, and you're already anxious?
I look over at him and watch as he gets out of the car.
This isn't what I agreed to. I did not mentally prepare myself for this. When he gets around to the passenger door, I'll tell him no. I'll say, 'No, Theo. Drive me home.'
He is pushing my boundaries, which makes me want to shrink them and make it even more difficult for him to get to know me.
Or... maybe he's just being sweet? Maybe I should stop overthinking things for once. Is that what I should do? Should I just let this happen?
Theo opens the passenger door gently and steps backward.
Be cool, Winter. Just try and be cool.
I unbuckle my seatbelt and step out of the car. He shuts it firmly behind me, and we walk towards the stylized 1950s diner. I recall the scene in Grease when Sandy is on her date, and Danny leans against the jukebox as she selects a song.
Oh god... is this a date?
The anxiety bubble is now the size of a bowling ball.
Theo leads me to a booth and slides into one side. I sit across from him and glance around the restaurant. The floor is black and white checkered, and the seats are blue leather with white details. Be My Baby by The Ronettes floats out from a jukebox in the corner.
A customer sits at the counter and reads a newspaper as the gray-haired waitress pours coffee into his mug. A dad and his daughter sit a few stools down with a plate of fries between them. The girl giggles as her dad sticks two french fries in his upper lip and slaps his hands together like a walrus. I feel my heart tug as the girl stares up at her father with loving wonder in her eyes. I sigh and look across the room.
Theo hands me an oversized menu, and I take it from him as my eyes land on the large corner booth. It is crowded and stuffed full, half with basketball players and half with cheerleaders.
"Don't you want to go sit with them?" I ask, pointing to the group across the diner from us.
Theo turns around to see his friends. Jason Carver gives him a tight nod. Marissa Randall narrows her eyes but coolly turns her head and whispers to the girl next to her.
Theo returns Jason's nod gently and looks back at me.
"No, I'm good."
I nod quickly, and my fingers tug on the pleats of my skirt under the table.
No, he just wants to sit with you.
He wants you to talk to him, but suddenly that feels impossible.
Just pretend you're with Eddie. Theodore Knight is not a boy; he's just another person.
I sigh softly and open the menu in front of me. Theo lets out a small breath, and I look up quickly; he is staring at me with a soft look.
"What? Is something wrong?" I ask.
"No, nothing is wrong," he says. "You're just suddenly very quiet."
I blink at him, and my palm slaps against the menu. I gaze down at the list of sandwiches.
"Well, I am concentrating," I reply.
My other hand lifts from my lap and absentmindedly slides my locket across the chain.
"That's pretty," Theo observes. I look up at him and tilt my head; he points at my necklace, and I defensively lay one hand over it. "Who is that from... an ex-boyfriend?"
I laugh suddenly, and he seems surprised. I clear my throat.
"No. It was my mom's... from high school."
Theo leans forward. His arms slide across the table.
"Did she get it from an ex-boyfriend?"
I lay my necklace down against my skin.
"At no point in the story of this necklace was there ever a boy involved. Unless you count Mr. Albert from Albert's drug store, that's where she bought it."
"Oh, that's nice," he says warmly.
A waitress wanders over to our booth. She is short with gray hair and wears an authentic soda-jerk paper cap and a pink 1950s uniform. Wow, they really went method when they decorated this place. I glance down at the golden rectangle pinned beneath her lapel and read the engraved cursive that spells out the name Beatrice.
She doesn't seem pleased to be here and asks gruffly, "Ready to order, kids?"
I look down at the menu and then back up at Theo.
"You go first," I say.
He orders a cheeseburger and fries.
I didn't have enough time to decide what I wanted to eat.
I glance at Beatrice and say, "I'll have the same thing, please."
She nods and scribbles our order onto the notepad in her hands.
"Do you want a milkshake?" Theo asks me.
I perk up. Suddenly, this doesn't seem like such a bad idea if I get a milkshake out of it.
"I would never pass up a milkshake.".
Theo smiles and orders one vanilla and one chocolate.
He sets his forearms on the table and leans closer.
"So... you have a locket from your mom, you're on the cheer team, and you tutor kids during lunch."
I squish my eyebrows together and nod my head slowly.
"Oh... and you're best friends with Eddie Munson," he adds with a light, mocking tone.
"Yes... that's pretty much me."
"That's all I need to know?"
I lean forward and set my elbows on the table.
"What about you?" I ask.
He looks confused. "What about me?"
"Well..." I shrug. "I don't know anything about you."
He laughs, and I don't understand what is so funny. He looks down at his lap and then back up at me.
"I mean... most people know about me. "
"Okay..." I hesitate.
"I just mean..." He rolls his hand in front of his chest, trying to find the right words. "I think I'm pretty well known."
I glance at the booth in the corner again and then back at Theo. I feel utterly clueless.
His knuckles knock lightly against the table. "I just thought you would know everything about me already."
"Well, that's presumptuous," I say with a short laugh.
"Okay, so you really don't know anything about me?" He looks surprised.
"I mean, of course, I know who you are." I shift in the booth; the plastic seat sticks to the underside of my thighs. "You are a basketball player who offered me a ride home from the game. I'm not stupid enough to accept rides from strangers. I have heard of Ted Bundy."
Beatrice walks over and sets two milkshakes in front of us.
I nonchalantly unwrap a straw. Theo stares at me.
I look over at him. "Which would you like... vanilla or chocolate?"
"That's all you know about me?" He leans forward, perplexed.
"Yes. Pretty much!" I throw my hands into the air. "Is there something else? Are you secretly royalty, or did you win a hot dog eating contest at the state fair or something?"
Theodore smiles and lightly taps his fingertips on the table.
"Wow. Okay, well, then, allow me to introduce myself. Um... yes, I am on the basketball team. I am also the student body president. And my dad is the mayor."
"Good one," I snort.
I drag the vanilla milkshake towards me and stick my straw in it.
He leans forward and says, "I'm not kidding, Winter."
I pause with the straw between my lips and look at him cautiously. I swallow a mouthful of vanilla shake.
"Your dad is the mayor?"
He nods.
"And you're the student body president?"
He nods again.
I knew I was spacey, but wow... I am oblivious. Seriously, the apocalypse could be happening outside my front door, and I would still walk around as if nothing was happening.
"Oh..." I squeak. "Well... that's cool."
Theo stares at me as if I'm an alien who just fell from outer space. I unwrap another straw and stick it in the chocolate milkshake. I slide it toward him; he doesn't move to grab it. I push it closer to the edge, offering it to him again.
"Where did you come from?" He asks me suddenly.
"That's funny," I reply. "Helen said the same thing when she met me for the first time."
I twirl the straw through my milkshake, picking it up and watching the drops of ice cream splat back into the glass. I can feel Theo's stare piercing me from his side of the booth, but he doesn't speak.
"I mostly keep to myself," I blurt.
I feel myself wanting to overshare to make up for my cluelessness. It's the same urge I get when I meet with Ms. Kelley, my discomfort sharing anything about myself wages war with my need to please the person sitting across from me. Theo wants me to speak, to talk about myself, and my brain scrambles for something to redirect the conversation toward, but all results come up empty.
I press my lips together to try and keep from rambling, but it's no use.
"I only joined the cheer team because Ms. Kelley challenged me, and then I saw Marissa hang the sign-up sheet, so I put my name on it without really thinking it through," I babble and continue to twist the straw through my milkshake. "Honestly, I only have one friend, well... now two friends, I guess. And, yes, I tutor kids in the library because I find the cafeteria overstimulating, and then I just go home at the end of the day to do my homework and cook dinner for my mom."
I stop talking and wince internally. I overshared a bit too much; he probably thinks I'm such a freak.
"You're different," he says.
I look up slowly and shift in the seat.
"Um, no, I'm not."
He smiles. "Yes, you are."
I look down at my lap. "No, I'm not."
"Well, you hang out with Eddie Munson, and you don't know who my dad is," he says.
I recall that after the Starcourt mall fire, our old mayor was arrested for some shady dealings, but I didn't bother to learn who was elected after him.
Small-town politics have never interested me much, and sometimes, living in the trailer park feels like living in a sovereign community. We help each other, babysitting the neighbor's kids, peering into the hood of someone's car when it stalls on an icy morning, sharing leftovers and hand-me-down coats. It's a village far removed from the more advanced city just ten miles east. A self-sufficient, over-looked blip chugging along in Nowhere Special, USA.
Although my family migrated to Forest Hills with our stores of money and enthusiasm completely dry, it was the one place where no one judged us. And how could they? We were all misfits. Like the traveling circus, a menagerie of lost souls, people walking with a limp or a glass eye or a tragic story tucked against their chest. We were all used to a life of drifting through the current until we got tangled up in the rocks. It's nice to find a place to lay your head, even if the mattresses are lumpy and the nights cold. None of us have to run anymore, and we're bonded by more than our address.
I don't appreciate Theo making me out to be some mysterious person who just appeared out of thin air. I've been stuck in this town for four years. I floated down the hallway and observed life happening around me. It doesn't make me unique. I wasn't trying to escape anyone's notice. I was just trying to make it through the day.
"Well, maybe the people who you didn't care to notice also didn't care to see you either," I snap.
Theo drops a wounded look into the surface of the chocolate milkshake. I wrap my hands around mine, the cool glass settling into my palms.
I have watched the popular kids before. I didn't want to be them, but I envied how light their step was and how unburdened they seemed. I never bothered to learn any of their names because they seemed more like a swarm of bees than individual insects. They would buzz through the hallways, laughing about some party or gossiping about some new scandal. Their hive seemed so simple.
"Trust me…" I say quietly. "I'm not cool or different. I'm not a mystery. I was just living on the outside. And Eddie Munson was the first person I met when I moved here. He didn't judge me... he just took me under his wing."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tease you."
I try to speak, "No, you didn't-"
"I just feel stupid," he says.
My eyes widen. God, he must think I'm such a bitch.
"I.. I'm sorry..." I stutter. "I didn't mean to make you feel that way."
"No, no. You didn't make me feel stupid." He leans across the table; his hands almost touch my forearms. "I just feel stupid that this is the first time we've ever really talked."
His voice lowers, and all traces of mockery and flirtation are gone. He sounds sincere.
"My whole life, I've just existed with everyone watching me, and I guess I felt like I deserved it or that it made me special. But, clearly, I don't know what's going on at all," he says.
I want to escape his gaze, but it's impossible.
"That's not true," I mutter quietly.
He leans back a little, and his hands retreat across the table.
"Well, it must be. Because if my life was so perfect before, I should've met you a long time ago."
His eyes bore into mine, and I feel a flutter in my stomach.
My hands slowly slide across the table, inching towards him.
"Don't feel bad," I say. "I guess we have stayed safe inside our little worlds."
"I meant it when I said I'm not like my friends," he says. "Or, at least, I hope I'm not."
His hands mimic my movements, and his fingers lightly wrap around mine—his thumb brushes across my knuckles.
Holding Theo's hand feels nice. His skin doesn't zap mine with electricity, and I don't feel my heart thudding inside my chest like in all of the romance novels I've read, but it's warm and sweet.
Beatrice slams down two plates of cheeseburgers and fries, causing me to jump and yank my hand from Theo's.
"Order up, kids."
"Thank you," I say quietly, and Theo gives her a polite nod.
I watch Beatrice retreat and duck back behind the counter. My eyes float over to the corner of the diner, where the obnoxious jocks yell and throw fries at each other. Not all of them are having fun, though. Marissa Randall sits with Jason Carver's protective arm over her shoulder, but she stares at me intensely. I give her a small smile, but her face doesn't change. I look down at my plate quickly.
I release a deep sigh and pick up a french fry—the song on the jukebox changes.
I Walk the Line by Johnny Cash begins to play. My hand freezes, and the fry falls to my plate as a feeling of dread begins to bloom under my skin. The last time I heard this song was...
No, don't think about that right now.
I shut my eyes tightly. My brain is stuck as the song continues to flood my senses. I feel as if I am trapped under an icy waterfall, and I think of the mantra Mrs. Kelley taught me to help me stay inside of my body. I'm supposed to list my name, my age, and where I am right now.
Winter Reid, I am 16, I am in the diner.
My hands fall into my lap and ball into fists.
Winter Reid, I am 16, I am in the diner.
I try to focus on the smells and sounds around me: percolating coffee, loud laughter, forks scraping against plates.
"Hey, you okay?" Theo's voice cuts through the thoughts in my head.
My eyes snap open, and he is staring at me, wearing a look of concern.
"Sorry," I say, feeling embarrassed. The numbness is receding slowly, but it still has a hold on my brain. I try to sound casual. "I um... I just really hate this song."
Theo looks over at the jukebox.
"You hate Johnny Cash?"
"Kind of," I reply.
He nods his head and slides out of the booth. I watch as he stands up and digs a hand into his pocket. He pulls out a cluster of coins and walks across the room.
The song continues to play, and I watch Theo flip through the music.
I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down, down, down and the flames went higher
The music slows and distorts as it hits my ears. I try not to recall the last time I heard it. My dad loved Johnny Cash.
I dig my nails into the center of my palm and watch Theo slowly push buttons on the jukebox.
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire, the ring of fire
It doesn't sound like it's coming from the restaurant anymore. Instead, the song is muffled. The revving of an engine cuts through the chorus. A slow memory creeps into my head. My dad walking out of our front door without bothering to pull on his jacket. His Camaro sliding through the dirt as he drives madly out of our trailer park. Johnny Cash singing as my dad pushes the gas pedal to the floor.
Theo sits down across from me, and I jump. The song has changed to Sh-Boom by The Chords. I unclench my fists.
I look up gratefully, and he smiles in return. Underneath the table, my hands rub aggressively against my thighs, and I try to force myself back to the present.
"This was the best I could do," he says. "They only have old music."
I let out a soft chuckle. "That's okay. I like the old stuff."
I inhale deeply through my nose and exhale out of my mouth. I glance around the diner. The dad and daughter hop off of their stools. The old man folds his newspaper and sets it next to his plate. Beatrice collects a tip from the counter and tucks it into the pocket of her apron.
This is where I am. Not in the past. I am sitting in a booth with one of the most popular boys at Hawkins High. He held my hand a few minutes ago and reassured me that he wasn't like his friends. I look across the table at him and smile to myself.
I think I understand Theo a little better now, and I have found something in common with him that I didn't expect.
As much as Eddie and I are outcasts in our town, the people in the middle of it all don't seem much happier. Yes, they still have more comforts than we do. They have adoring peers and large houses, varsity patches and shiny new cars. I look up at Theo now, and I feel bad for trying to push him away. I feel bad for thinking that he couldn't possibly understand me.
I pulled an Eddie. I've never done that before.
I don't want to judge Theo just because his life seems easier than mine. It's the same way I felt when I walked into Helen's massive home with its winding staircase and beautiful furnishings. I thought her life must've been perfect, but then I saw her emotionless mother in the kitchen the next morning. You can't make assumptions about people. We all have our own shit.
Theo looks down at his food and busies himself by removing the lettuce and tomato from his burger.
"So…" I drawl, cocking my head and glancing at Theo's plate. "Do you hate vegetables?"
Theo looks down at the small pile of lettuce, tomato, and onion left unwanted on his plate.
"I add it all back on after I put the ketchup on," he explains. "I need to make sure the ratio is perfect."
This makes me laugh. It's nice to discover that he has a quirk.
"That's weird," I say.
"Hey!" Theo laughs. "I thought we weren't judging each other."
I lower my head and point a finger across the table at him.
"No, you said you don't judge people... I never made that promise. In fact, it's time I asked you more about yourself so that I can solidify my opinion.
Theo raises his eyebrows, and I lace my fingers in front of me on the table. I'm trying to copy the pose Ms. Kelley always assumes when she's about to start a firing line of questions.
Theo gives me a confident smile.
"Okay..." He sits back in the booth. "Shoot."
"First... are you going to eat your pickle?"
I eye the spear on his plate, and he looks down at it.
Theo chuckles, "You can have it."
I reach over and grab it.
"We're off to a good start... top 3 favorite bands, go!"
Theo squints his eyes. "Uhhh... Queen."
He looks over for my approval, and I nod tentatively.
"Tears for Fears..."
They have a couple of good songs, so I give him another encouraging look.
"Hall & Oates?"
I grab a fry and take a small bite. "Well, that's better than Wham!"
Theo lets out a deep sigh of relief and slides the glass ketchup bottle across the table. He reaches over, pours a small pool alongside the fries on my plate, and then does the same on his.
"Next question... what is your favorite movie?" I ask. "And don't say Teen Wolf. That would be too much of a cliché."
Theo smiles. "My favorite movie is Indiana Jones."
An excited look crosses my face.
"I love Harrison Ford!" I yell.
We eat our food as I continue to pepper him with questions. He responds to each easily and calmly, not seeming to mind my nosiness at all.
Theo pays for our meal, and we walk slowly to his car. I realize he still doesn't know where to drop me off.
"So..." I caution. Theo looks over at me and stops next to the passenger door.
I stand away from him, shifting from one foot to the next.
"Um, so I don't really live in town."
"Okay," he says and opens the door.
I move cautiously in front of him but don't climb inside the Volkswagen. I stare down at my sneakers.
"Ugh," I let out a short breath of air. "I feel a little embarrassed, which is so stupid."
Theo leans an arm on the top of the door and looks at me kindly.
"Why would you be embarrassed?"
"Do you know where Forest Hills is?" I ask.
"That sounds like a retirement community," he says teasingly.
"It's a trailer park. Um, that's where I live."
I feel a gentle finger brush under my chin and push my face upwards. My breath catches in my throat as my face tilts up to meet Theo's gaze. He looks at me with his usual mix of easy confidence and authenticity.
He speaks softly, "Well, I'll drive you there. I said I would take you home, and I will."
I nod slowly; his fingers still press lightly against my skin.
"Okay."
He smiles and steps backward, allowing me to turn and climb into the car. He shuts my door firmly, and I let out a loud exhale as he walks around the front of the hood. My fingers twist nervously in my lap, but I feel the residual anxiety in my body beginning to evaporate. I rub one hand softly under my chin, tracing the same spot Theo touched. The driver's side door opens, and I drop my hand quickly back into my lap.
We drive the rest of the way to my home in silence. REO Speedwagon plays softly in the background.
"First one on the left," I mutter as the car drives slowly down the dirt path.
I see my mom's station wagon parked in its usual spot. I look left to right. Eddie's van isn't here. I stare at Eddie's trailer, and Theo clears his throat.
I look over at him and smile.
"Thanks for the ride home."
I reach down and pull my duffle bag onto my lap.
"Would you, um..." Theo's voice calls out as I reach for the passenger door handle. I look back at him.
"Would you want to go out on a date with me?"
I blink, and my hand freezes on the handle. Should I bolt?
I turn towards him. "A date?"
He looks at me and smiles. "Yes. I would like to take you out on a date."
I find myself leaning towards him; my duffle bag slips off my lap, and I set both hands on the center console. Our heads dance in close proximity, and I tear my eyes away from his gaze.
"Okay..." I hear myself say. "Sure."
A beat of silence passes between us. I look up slowly, and Theo's face has leaned closer to mine. My fingers meet on the center console and twist together. Theo swallows hard, and his eyes glance down at my lips.
I can feel us magnetizing, inching closer together, as if by some other force besides free will. He tilts his head softly. It feels like it's taking forever for his lips to meet mine, so in a surge of anxiety-fueled motivation, I close the distance and push my lips tightly against his.
Our lips part softly and then meet again. I feel his hand slide across mine; his fingers trace up my skin and wrap firmly around my upper arm. My hand lifts and lays gently against his cheek. The kiss is short and sweet. His lips feel like a soft rose petal brushing against mine, and I suddenly feel very still and calm.
I pull away all at once, feeling my head lighten as my heart beats a slow, serene rhythm. Theo smiles at me, and I lean back into the seat; my hand drops away from his cheek and lands softly back into my lap.
"Well..." I say hesitantly. "Thank you for getting me home safe."
Theo chuckles lightly. "Anytime, Winter."
I look back at him and offer him a small smile.
"Goodnight," I say.
"Goodnight," he replies.
I step out of his car and pull my duffle bag onto my shoulder. I walk up my porch steps without glancing backward and slowly enter my trailer. My bag thuds against the floor, and I walk automatically toward the sink, reaching for a glass and filling it with water. I chug it down and then set both hands on the basin.
What the fuck was that?
I stare through the kitchen window but only see my eyes staring back at me.
Seriously, what the fuck was that?
"You okay, babydoll?" A voice rings out from the living room.
My eyes snap away from my reflection, and I spin around, pushing my back tightly against the sink.
"Jesus, mom, you scared me!"
She is sitting up on the couch and blinks at me slowly. A half-finished puzzle spreads on the coffee table in front of her; the box shows you will have a picture of a Japanese garden when it's complete.
"Well, someone is jumpy," she muses and stands up. Her arms widen in a stretch, then slap down against her pajama pants.
"Sorry. I'm just tired."
"You got home later than usual." She walks towards me slowly. "I was starting to get worried."
Since when have I had a curfew?
We tend to move past each other in blurs, always stopping to say I love you and goodbye, but I never know when she's going to get home from work. Why should it matter what time I get home?
"It's fine, mom," I mutter, setting the glass under the faucet and letting the water flow.
"What, I can't be worried?"
Her voice takes on the tone of a lecturing parent, and I try not to scoff aloud.
No, mom. I worry about you, not the other way around.
I've never given her a reason to doubt me or distrust me. I turn around slowly and lift the glass to my lips.
"I was talking to some friends after the game and lost track of time."
She nods her head. "Oh... okay."
I walk around her and scoop up my duffle bag.
"I'm zapped. I think I'll go to bed early."
I give her a quick peck on the cheek and walk down the hallway to my room.
"Goodnight, babydoll," her voice calls.
The door shuts tightly behind me, and I toss my bag into the corner. I'm finally alone and can fully let the events from Theo's car hit me.
I kissed him. I can't believe I did that.
I feel a light energy flow through my veins. I feel... proud? Giddy?
I shake my hands out in front of my body and pace my room. It still doesn't dispel the energy, so I bounce lightly on my toes. Pretty soon, I'm jumping and shaking, trying not to burst into a loud squeal of glee.
I walk backward and fall across my bed.
My first kiss.
I should call Helen. But, for a moment, I just want to stare at the ceiling and replay the scene again. Did I do it right? It was short, but I'm sure that's okay. I hope my breath didn't smell like pickles.
I sigh and sit up on my elbows. I still feel a flurry of anxiety, like a horde of butterflies fighting inside my gut.
I stand and move in front of my mirror. I still look the same, but I regard myself with a slight nod of appreciation. At the start of this month, I told myself that I would stick with cheerleading. I promised to blend in and copy the moves and feel the shimmer paint my skin for once.
I existed on the outskirts by floating through life. I tried mimicking Eddie's rebellious attitude and hoped it would give me liberation. But I wasn't as confident or wild as Eddie. I wanted to reach out to people, but no one saw me. He made people look at him but didn't care what they said.
I guess we keep each other balanced.
I feel like he just picked me out of the blue one day on the swing set in our trailer park. Then over the next four years, I watched him in awe as he continued to throw himself at life. I wanted to be just like him, but I felt too tossed around by life. I never felt like I had it in me to fight back.
In our friendship, he was the one who always did things, and I just watched.
So... when Ms. Kelley told me to make people look at me, I thought that if I could exist on the outskirts by fading into the background, who's to say I couldn't blend into the foreground?
It should be easy, right? Get a little bit of attention, but not too much. Perform cheer routines, but in the back row, not the front and center. It felt good these past two weeks, hanging out with Helen and having something to do on Friday night. But then Theo found me in the library. He invaded my hiding spot. He saw me.
I've always needed something to stake my identity on. Whether that was taking care of my mom, listening to Eddie, or trying to mimic the cheerleaders. But I didn't copy anyone tonight. I made my own choice. I leaned forward to kiss Theo. I needed to do something for myself. So, I did.
Leaning into the moment instead of away from it feels like an accomplishment.
Theo is sweet, and maybe it's unkind to think of kissing him as a victory... but I am proud of myself. Why shouldn't I be? Who says I can't be the main character in a John Hughes movie? It doesn't make what happened any less genuine, right? I had my Molly Ringwald moment, and I won't apologize.
I can hear Eddie Munson's voice in my head, and I know if he were here, he would say something about how external validation is phony, that acceptance from others isn't the same thing as acceptance for yourself.
I sigh and unclasp my locket from around my neck. I suddenly don't feel so tired anymore. I feel restless. I undress quickly, wrap a towel around my body, and walk silently toward the bathroom.
I don't know what is going to happen Monday at school. Am I going to continue to live half in and half out of the shadows... or will I hold Theo's hand and walk down the center of the hallway?
I reach through the curtain and turn the faucet all the way over, hoping the hot water will force me back down to earth. I look in the mirror and shake my hair out of my ponytail.
I know I'm still the same person I was last year, but I can try and be something different with Theo. Maybe it's for the better, or maybe not, but why shouldn't I try and lean into it? I can find a happy medium between Eddie's cynicism and my daydreams. I can make my own decisions, and I won't let myself feel guilty about it.
Author's Note:
I personally think Johnny Cash is great... Ghost Riders In The Sky goes hard, but I just think Ring of Fire would sound very creepy in a distorted, horror context :)
if you know The Children's Hour... then you know. you get it.