Heero POV
I awoke with a surge of panic. I was sitting up even before I had opened my eyes, trying to figure out what had scared me so much. As I oriented myself, I realized Duo was thrashing in his sleep next to me. He was moaning and tossing from side to side, obviously caught in some kind of nightmare. I had only a moment to feel the reversal of roles before I leaned down to comfort him, holding him and quietly shushing his cries.
He woke not much later. I was still holding him against my chest, stroking his hair, as I felt him start to stir.
"Hey," he said, blinking at me owlishly.
"Morning," I replied as he glanced around the room, some what dazed. He seemed to get his bearings, then collapsed back on top of me.
"I thought last night was all a dream."
"It wasn't. I'm so-..."
"Don't. We both made some stupid decisions, it's both our faults. Let's just let it go," he said, and snuggled back down into my chest. I would have liked to simply go back to sleep and forget everything, but I had to ask about something.
"Duo, Quatre said you wanted to have our link's level raised. Is that true?"
"Just forget it Heero, it was a stupid idea. You're not ready for that yet, it's alright," he told me, but I could feel his disappointment even as he said it.
"If you want it, I'll try."
"Really?" he asked, his eyes shining hopefully.
"Hn. I said I would, and I will, but I can't promise you anything. I might not be able to lower my defenses."
"All I can ask is that you try. Besides, you won't have to lower them to everyone, just to me. And you've already lowered a lot of your defenses to me or you wouldn't be here. I don't think it'll be as hard as you think."
"How soon do we have to try?"
"I talked to Zechs about this and the latest we can try it is tonight because we'll both need some time together to cement the bond and some time apart to make sure that we don't fuse into one being."
"What?"
"Sometimes when two people link they get too close and they become one, they think the same and act the same. Sooner or later they grow bored with the other and leave them, or sometimes they hate each other and kill each other. It's not often that this happens and it's usually only when people who are very, very much alike are bonded. Sometimes it happens when people are bonded but don't love each other, the people try to get close and make the relationship work but get too close. No one really knows why it happens, not even the people it happens to. The bond won't open all your thoughts and feelings to me, just the strongest ones, and sooner or later you'll get the hang at hiding things from me. Or so I've heard, I've never actually had a high link with anyone before."
"Really?"
"Mm-hmm. I was waiting for someone special, and low and behold here you are."
"I'm not special."
"Of course not. Everyone is trained by an evil doctor, rescues a demon, given hallucinatory drugs, and survives conditions that wold kill most people with a kind heart and quick mind. Yep, that's all part of a normal childhood. Besides, nobody has eyes like yours, Heero."
"You... like my eyes?"
"They're gorgeous. I heard some of the girls the other day saying they wish they had eyes like yours."
"You're lying."
"I'm offended! I never lie!"
"Go to sleep, you're going to wake up the whole hold."
"You're just mad 'cause you're losing."
"Sleep."
"Yeah, yeah. We're only going to get a couple more hours anyway."
"We're not going to get any unless you shut up."
"Fine, fine, just remember I- Gak! Why'd you do that? Unlike some people, I don't like the taste of pillow!"
"If you don't go to sleep right now you'll be tasting pillow permanently."
"Spoilsport," Duo muttered as he settled down and finally drifted off to sleep. I sighed, if that was what it took to get Duo to sleep on a normal day I'd be investing enormous amounts of money in sleeping pills.
Duo and I spent most of the next day relaxing. Apparently, Duo hadn't eaten since I ran out on him and he was still tired from all that work he did with the eggs. Quatre spent part of the day overseeing the departure of the eggs and dragon, and Zechs was trying to get the hang of running the hold, so Duo and I just sat back and relaxed. Duo got the bath he was in dire need of and I helped him dry his hair and wings. We also went up on the roof and Duo took me flying for the first time.
It was right before lunch, Duo told me on the way up that it was a bad idea to eat before flying in case you got airsick. Duo led me up to the roof and explained that, since he was going to carry me all the way to Haven, I would have to get used to flying with him. If worst came to worst we could get me some pills so I'd sleep the whole way there, but Duo didn't seem very enthusiastic about that option.
Calmly, Duo unfurled his wings and stepped behind me. My heart was pounding. I had wanted to go flying with Duo and I only hoped I didn't screw it up and get sick. Slowly, Duo put his arms around my waist.
"You ready?" he asked and I could only nod. Then, with two strong beats of his wings, we lifted off the ground. For a few minutes, Duo circled only a few feet off the ground, to see how I would take to it. Once he saw that I was alright, he stopped circling and flew over the side of the tower toward the surrounding forest. He took me to one of the rivers and we spent a while skipping rocks. Duo needed to see how I would do in a vertical take-off, which relies on wing power instead of up-drafts to get into the air. It was different that the take off on the roof because Duo had to beat his wings to get us up. We would rise a foot, then drop a couple of inches, then rise another foot until we were above the treetops. I could see how it could make someone sick, but it didn't do anything to me.
We only stayed in the air for about an hour and never strayed far from the castle, but I could have stayed in the air for hours. It felt so right, being in the air, high above all the worldly problems below, with Duo there with me. Had it been possible, I would have stayed in the clouds forever.
The sun was beginning to set when we finally got back. We were both starved and immediately headed for dinner, which was just being served.
"Heero," Duo called as we both finished up dinner, "We're going to have to go soon," he said, and I knew exactly what we had to go for. I was feeling a bit nervous, I didn't want to let Duo down, but I had promised I'd try, so I let Duo lead me out of the hall and down to the library.
"This is where we're going to up the link?" I asked.
"Yep, this is one of the places we both feel comfortable, but not invaded. We'd both be on guard if Quatre or Zechs came into our room, and they're both going to be here to make sure nothing goes wrong."
"What could go wrong?" I asked anxiously.
"I told you earlier, sometimes the two people become one. Don't worry, we'll be fine," he told me as we rounded a bookshelf and spotted Zechs.
Zechs was in an open area surrounded on all sides by bookshelves so it would be hard to see us even if someone accidentally walked in. There was a fireplace on the opposite wall sending out a warm glow, Quatre was curled up beside it with a book open on his lap. Zechs was in another chair, this one a bit further from the fire. In the center of the area, right in front of the fire, were two odd-looking chairs standing side by side. They were small, meant only for one person, and leaned back, so the person would have to be almost horizontal when they sat down. They both had small armrests and were covered in a deep red leather.
The library was quiet, the only sound being the crackling of the fire. There was a rustle of clothing a Zechs rose and led the two of us to the odd chairs.
"Heero," Zechs said, kneeling in front of me, "I'm going to put you into a trance. It's going to feel odd, but as long as you relax and don't panic everything will be fine."
"What happens if I panic?"
"Nothing, we'll just have to try again when you calm down, that's all, but it will put us behind schedule so try not to do it."
Duo reached across the few inches between our chairs and took my hand.
"Relax, babe, it's not that big a deal. Remember, I'm right behind you," he said, smiling at me.
"Heero," Zechs said, his voice deepening as I turned my attention back to him, "I want you to imagine yourself in the safest place you can think of."
I imagined myself wrapped in Duo's arms, buried under the covers of our bed.
"Good. Now, I'm going to count to ten and when I finish you will be in a trance. One..."
I could feel my body start to relax even though my mind hadn't relaxed in any way.
"Two..."
My feet and hands felt like they had fallen asleep and I began to panic when I couldn't move them.
"Three..."
A gentle squeeze on my hand reminded me to stay calm and I relaxed, realizing that I could trust these people.
"Four..."
I could no longer feel my legs or arms and my eyes were feeling strangely heavy.
"Five..."
My eyes slipped shut and I couldn't see anything but darkness.
"Six..."
The numbness traveled up my lower body to my stomach and from my arms to my shoulders.
"Seven..."
The numbness finally consumed my entire body up to the neck and started to travel up.
"Eight..."
I could no longer feel or see anything, only the sounds of the fire reminding me that I was in the room.
"Nine..."
I began to feel weightless, like I was completely separated from my body.
"Ten..."
All sound stopped and a was completely detached from anything and everything hovering in a black void. In a few seconds, I began to panic.
Heero? Duo's voice called, though on some level I realized that I wasn't hearing his voice.
Over here! I called back, uncertain as to how he would even find me in this void. A second later, Duo materialized in front of me.
Hey, he said smiling at me, we did it.
Did what? And where are we?
We upped our mind link, duh! And we're between our minds. This is the place between both our minds.
It's dark and empty.
Says something about your intelligence, doesn't it?
Duo, I warned.
Well what did you expect? Our minds are both too full to fit another person, or at least mine is. And besides, if our minds met they would become one, and I already explained how bad that is.
So what are we supposed to do here?
Anything we want. We can look at each other's emotions, pull up memories, or just enjoy each other's company.
Emotions? Can we look at those?
Duo nodded and there were suddenly strings of all different color and sizes coming out of him. They surrounded us like cobwebs, sometimes branching off, sometimes coming together, always disappearing off into the darkness. I looked down to find a few thin strings coming out of me.
What is this? I asked.
These are emotions. They connect people to one another. Not literally, I mean, that'd be kind of difficult, but mentally.
Oh. So, what is this one? I asked, picking up a green one coming from Duo. I suddenly felt...respectful, like I knew that the person on the other end was worthy of my respect.
That on leads to Une, Treize's captain. She's extremely good at what she does, if a bit scary.
We spent a bit looking at the strings, touching some and looking at others. I found that some of the strings led to people who weren't even alive, like the one that linked Odin to me. It was a bit painful to see that one, but made me feel better, too. We both found a string of brotherly affection leading to Quatre, a brotherly affection from Duo to Zechs, a respect from me to Zechs, a complete and utter loathing from Duo to J, and a respect from me to J. I found that I had less strings than Duo did, but that didn't really surprise me. I hadn't had a whole lot of contact with anyone before Duo.
What's this one? I asked, picking up a thick, dark red string and tracing it with my fingers. I had learned that the thicker the string the tighter the bond, and since Quatre's bond of brotherly love was pink I wondered about this one.
The string made me feel loved, but not in the way Quatre's had. This one wasn't a love of brother's this one was real, true love. I realized that it must have led back to Duo's lover in Haven. With a pang of regret, I traced it just a bit further, waiting for it to disappear into the darkness.
I let out a startled gasp as I traced the string to the center of my chest.
Heero? Duo questioned, appearing beside me.
Duo, w-what is this? What does it mean? I asked and watched his face for a response. Duo just stared at me for long enough that I wondered if I was going to get an answer.
It's love, Heero,he told me simply.
I know that, but what's it doing going through me?
It's not going through you, it's going to you. I love you.
You can't, I blurted before I could stop myself. Duo smiled.
Well, I do. The proof's right there in front of you.
But why? How?
Heero, there is no why or how in love. It either is or it isn't, and it is. I can't help it and I really don't want to help it. I love you, it doesn't change anything between us, I just thought you should know. I should have told you before now, but I didn't want to scare you off.
Scare me off?
Mm-hmm. Some people don't like it when someone loves them that they don't feel the same way about. They get really freaked when it's a member of the same sex.
But you're so great, why would anyone be mad if you loved them?
People are weird, Heero, sometimes they look for things that aren't there, other times they try to force them, sometimes they deny the existence of certain emotions. Lots of people just don't realize that you have to let things flow, things happen in their own time if you let them. And if they don't, maybe they weren't meant to.
I pondered that as I released the string. I wondered about Duo's love, if it was really unrequited. Quickly, I glanced around, hoping to find another dark red string. Duo must have suspected what I was doing, because he jumped in front of me.
No! Heero, I don't want you trying to find if you-... if you love someone or not. You can't force love, babe, if it's there, you'll know it when the time comes.
"Heero, Duo, it's time to return to your own bodies," Zechs voice sounded through the trance.
Saved by the bell, Duo muttered as we began to part, each heading back for his own body. As I slipped back into my own mind, I felt a sharp tug. Like there was a rope around my waist and someone had pulled on it, but it was too late to look for the source as I was pulled back into my own mind.
I began to wake and gently reached to the side, trying to find Duo. I quickly sat up and looked around the room. I was in a large bed that I had never seen before.
"Heero?" Quatre called as I turned to look at him.
"Where am I? Where's Duo?"
"You two have to sleep apart tonight, just to be safe. Go back to sleep, we leave in a few hours," Quatre said then sat down beside me on the bed.
"You... where are you going to sleep?" I asked. It wouldn't have even occurred to me to worry about someone else just a few months ago, but I had grown attached to Quatre.
"I'll be fine," he said.
"You can sleep here, it is your bed," I told him, another thing I would have not done in the past. Quatre smiled gratefully, then laid down under the blanket, not close enough to touch but close enough that I could feel the heat of his body.
Quietly, I fell asleep, not as deeply as I would have had Duo been here, but more deeply than I had when I was alone. It was nice not to be alone.
The next morning Quatre woke me up early and we both headed down for breakfast. Duo grabbed me in a hug as soon as he saw me and I couldn't help but feel warmed by it. I still wasn't sure how I felt about Duo, but it was nice to know someone loved me.
We set out about an hour after breakfast. We had to pack light; Duo took a few sets of clothes and his scythe, I took a few sets of clothes and my blanket, which a packed with a raging blush on my face but couldn't seem to leave it behind. I had to wear the jacket Duo bought me and Sally had worn her thickest jacket too, but Quatre and Duo didn't bother with such heavy clothing, saying that the flight plus carrying a passenger would keep them pretty warm.
The first day of our journey was exhilarating. Duo carried me and Quatre carried Sally. Everyone came up to the roof to send us off, Zechs, Noin, Mei, and even Sara, who had been given the job of being Mei's nurse and nanny. I was a little surprised to find a little pang of regret when leaving Wing, I had just recently made some good memories there, but the realization that Duo wouldn't be there made leaving easier.
We flew high in the air where it was very cold and I grateful Duo had made me where the heavy coat. I don't know how much ground we covered that day, I wasn't even sure how far we had to go, but I know it was a lot. Duo and I spent most of the trip testing out our new link, seeing wheat we could read and send without going into that between place. We found that we could send and read messages, but we couldn't do memories or anything that required visual or audio aspects.
We munched on lunch in the air, which was an adventure in itself, but set down for supper as the sun was setting. We found a cave in a high cliff where we could easily take-off from. There was already wood and blankets in the cave, so I assumed this was were the others had rested on their trip down. That night Duo and I curled up in a small nook near the back of the cave and Quatre and Sally both settled down closer to the fire. It was nice to be back in Duo arms, I just hoped I wouldn't have nightmares.
A hope that was not fulfilled.
I found myself back in the small room J had kept me in when he trained me, books and papers lined the walls, stacked up higher than I was. Again I was a small child, forgetting all then the good things that had happened to me since Duo found me. Forgetting Duo and the others, remembering only what the small child knew
The room was on the ground-floor and my one window looked out over the courtyard. Outside, I could see children playing. I wanted to join them, but I knew J would beat me if I didn't get all my work done in the few hours I was allowed to study. J would take me out later to workout and practice my skills with various weapons, but that wasn't play. If I had any hope at all that the children would have played with me, I would have left the room in a heartbeat and risked any punishment I might have gotten, but they were all afraid of me, they ran when they saw me coming.
The sound of the children's laughter tormented me as I continued to scan the books and jot down notes that I knew J would look over later, just to tell me what I had done wrong. I tried to ignore the laughter and the sounds of children playing, but I couldn't and I felt tears come to my eyes.
Suddenly, the laughter stopped and everything was quiet except for the sound of someone bouncing a ball. Quickly I looked out my window. Standing in the courtyard, barefoot and alone, was a small boy wearing dark clothes and a long braid.
Hey there, he called to me and I could only stare out my tiny, bared window. Why don't you come out and play?
I can't, I told him, even as the bars from my window disappeared and I found myself in the courtyard.
Why not?
I'll get in trouble.
No you won't. Look, your work's already done, he told me and I turned to find all my notes taken and all the problems answered.
But Master J will be angry if he finds me playing, I told him, briefly wondering why I was so hesitant to do something that I would have traded anything for just a moment before.
Then we won't let him find us, the boy said, taking my hand and pulling me away from the room. The feel of his hand in mine was comforting and in a moment I found myself in a grassy field far away from the hold.
Catch! The boy yelled, tossing me the ball. I simply stared at the ball in my hands, You're supposed to throw it back, the boy told me and I did so.
The game we played had no rules, no sides, and no actual points. It consisted mainly of tossing the ball back and forth while running and mixed in the games of Tag, Hide-and-Seek, and some form of ball game. The game eventually ended when the two of us rolled down a hill, the boy giggling like mad and me smiling brighter than I ever had before. We both reached the bottom of the hill and panted to catch our breath.
As I stared at the long-haired boy something struck me.
This isn't right, I muttered quietly and the boy looked up at me.
What's wrong? he asked me.
This isn't right, I told him, This never happened. The boy seemed to look sad for a moment as I fought against whatever spell he had trapped me in. Quietly, the boy rose and came up to me. I couldn't seem to find the strength to pull away from the hug he gave me, our two tiny bodies intertwining.
I know, came a voice, much older and deeper than that of the boy and I suddenly found my small form in the hands of a full-grown man with the boy's braid and beautiful violet eyes.
I know this never actually happened, Heero, but why can't it happen now?
My mind only had time to supply the word Duo before I found myself back in my adult body, still held tightly to Duo's chest.
I don't want to be a burden, you've already done so much for me, you don't have to fix my mind too.
Heero, you may not believe this, but this helps me too. My childhood wasn't exactly golden, if you know what I mean.
Really? I asked and heard Duo gasp, before the scenery suddenly changed and I found us in a dark, dirty back ally. Both Duo and I watched as a thinner, smaller Duo hid in a box with several other grimy children. On the other side of the alley two drunken men brawled and yelled at each other. The children cringed as the two men moved closer, all of the little one huddling together for comfort. I could see resolve come into one boy's eyes, a blonde caked with dirt who looked to be the oldest, and the boy darted out of the box and slammed into one of the men, then ran off down the alley. The two big men gave chase and I could see the little Duo run out of the box and follow them. Little Duo found the other boy sometime later, a bruise on the side of his face and blood running from his nose. Silently, Duo helped the boy up and hauled him back to the rest of the children, where they spent the rest of the night shivering from hunger and cold.
Duo, what was that? I asked the retrospective man at my side.
That was how I grew up, he told me after a while, I was raised by the streets.
But how? Why?
Don't know. Maybe my parents were both killed. Or something happened to them. Maybe neither one of them wanted me. I don't know, Heero. All I know is that I've never known my mother or my father and have never met any relatives. I'm not even sure I'd want to find them now, since they weren't there when I really needed them.
Gently, I took Duo's hand. It wasn't often that Duo let anything get him down, but I could tell he was in pain now and I wondered how often I had missed his pain, he hid it so well that it was hard to see even now, when it was in plain sight.
I never knew my parents either, Duo. I was lucky enough to have Odin for a while, but... it still hurts knowing your own flesh and blood didn't want you. I understand.
I think telling him that I understood may have helped more than anything else, because I felt just the smallest bit of the pain fade.
Come on, Heero, I'm too tired for any more of this tonight, Duo told me and I nodded in assent as the world faded into black and we both fell into a normal sleep.
That night may have been hard for us, but I knew that it had started the healing process for us both. Maybe, just maybe, we could get over the past together.