It only lasts for a few seconds, but it feels like eternity. That sensation before you open your eyes. This blissful felicity. When your wife is still alive. When she's still healthy. When you haven't started to cheat on her yet and you can still look at yourself in a mirror without feeling the burn of shame from your own gaze's reflection. When her smile is still genuine and not forced as to make you want to feel good when you know her mind and heart are clearly not into it. When you still don't know about that big secret she has been keeping from you for months. When she's still a human being...

But then it all comes back. In one big punch in the stomach. And you think it should be easy enough to deal with those kinds of regurgitated memories. But it's not. It's like all the worst parts of your life teaming up to create the ultimate nightmare and winning because they also had the advantage to have been playing on their own turf. So it doesn't get easier. Not one tiny bit of it does. It's always soul crushing, and lonely, and reality always catches you in the end.

Negan opened his eyes suddenly, giving finally enough space for the contained tears trapped behind his eyelids to flood down his tempers, into his ears then on the pillow. It had been some time now since he last saw her in his dreams. For some illogical reason, he keeps calling them dreams even if it's always far from it. Because at least he's able to see her. Even if it's just ephemeral. In a way, he suspects the return of those dreadful visions to be linked to Rick. Even though Harlan had reassured him the past evening that the leader of Alexandria was a tough cookie - okay, maybe those were his words not the doc's - and that he was going to make it, he still felt like the table could turn at any moment and that he shouldn't relax just yet. But he had promised Harlan he would give his body and his mind a break, so he had complied. After all, it had been ten hours since Rick's temperature had been mastered and it had been stable ever since. Plus, this time, Carson was gonna be the one to look out for the patient. No more Simon on prisoner's duty. Or maybe for his worst enemy. Wait. Wasn't Rick supposed to be exactly that? Well maybe he wouldn't let Simon near his worst enemy either. Better to think that way than to considerate where his thoughts were actually going.

Finally sitting up on the edge of the bed, he removed all traces of tears from his face. No one had to witness that. Cleaning himself and putting some clothes quickly, he headed to his room. That night, he had just squatted an empty one just to take advantage of the bed. Exhausted as he had been, a chair or even a couch would not have been enough to rest fully.

As expected, Harlan was still near Rick when Negan entered the room.

-"Any improvement?", he asked, dubious. It seemed the leader of Alexandria hadn't moved an inch since the last time he was there.

-"He didn't wake up, I'm afraid. But his temperature is still stable and his level of hydration has improved a lot so that's good news."

Negan smiled at the comment, even though his heart was clearly not into it. Harlan seemed to pick up on the mixed emotions though, as he continued:

-"I will let you two alone for a moment. I have to go get some food anyway." Negan was thankful for the privacy he was offering but he also had to make something clear before he would let him go.

-"I'm leaving for Alexandria for the pickup soon. I won't be long but I expect you to stay with him." Harlan stopped moving halfway to the door. Hesitant at first, he finally replied with a lightly annoyed look.

-"I know his condition was serious and it's still difficult to know where this is going. But I have other patients to attend to." Negan knew Harlan was really committed to his job and wasn't just trying to be difficult. It was actually kind of refreshing having someone who would speak his mind openly while still maintaining a certain distance. It was like having a strictly professional relationship with someone actually competent and with whom respect was going both ways. He remembered people from his past that were supposed to be his colleagues but were so immature he couldn't even have a normal conversation with them without it turning sour every damn time.

-"I understand." He finally conceded. "Can you at least check on him regularly?"

-"Of course, that's what I was planning to do." And as he saw Negan nod approvingly in silence, he took it as a sign and left.

Finally alone, Negan could come closer to Rick. Harlan was right, the bedridden man did have more colors than last night. Now, it just seemed like he was sleeping peacefully, his breathing also steadier. But in a way, seeing him like this was also bringing back a lot of memories. His wife, at the hospital, resting a lot because of the cancer and the chemo beating the crap out of her. It was always difficult to see people in those kinds of situations. Even more so they mean so much to you.

-"I'll be back soon. Hang in there, okay?"

He had to go now. But to him, it felt more like he was running away, the atmosphere in the room suddenly being too suffocating. Before leaving, he nonetheless reached for Rick's hand and squeezed it lightly. He didn't know if he wanted to give him the strength to heal or if Rick was actually the one cheering him up unconsciously. The touch did make him smile though and it made him feel a bit better. Letting go of Rick's hand with a heavy heart, he turned around. Now, it was more than time to be looking for some answers.

Rick opened his eyes, panicked. He could feel his heart racing, making him feel sick and dizzy. He really didn't know how he hadn't flinched when he had felt his own hand being touched by… him. And what the hell did he had just say? His voice sounded so soft he couldn't believe Negan was really the one talking, to him even more. And did he really wished for him to get better? He was surely having auditory hallucinations.

Looking around, he tried to understand where he was. With Negan and also Harlan being so close, he had to be at the Sanctuary. Yet, he had simply no memories of how he got there. Was that also part of the delusion?

The last thing he did remembered was the distress that inhabited him after losing his little boy. So if being at the mercy of his enemy was only a nightmare, it was nothing compared to the reality. He could still see Carl in that shed. He should have never left him alone. He should have stayed with him till the end.

Tears slowly began to form in his eyes, dropping on the side of his face as guilt was spreading inside of him like a disease. He couldn't move right now as his body was still weak and his muscles unresponsive. So he just let sadness overtook him completely. Until he was too exhausted to even stay awake and just blacked out.

-"What did you do to Rick, you psychopath."

Negan wasn't even there for five minutes that he was already jumped on. He wasn't even sure about that guy's name. With his short hair, well-trimmed beard and his big mouth, he could be anyone. Now that Rick was not here to keep his people in line, they were obviously overstepping the mark ang getting overconfident.

-"Funny, that's actually one of the reasons I'm here. Rick is at the Sanctuary. As my prisoner of honor."

At those last words, the guy's jaw seemed to have just dropped on the floor.

-"Wait, what? Rick is our leader! You can't simply kidnap him. What about our so-called deal? We provide you with half our supplies and you let us the fuck be.

-Careful, angry boy. I am the one making the rules around here. I'm willing not to interfere in how you guys run things in the neighborhood as long as you provide me with the goods. But if you keep bitching at me like that, I just might have to intervene and trust me, you don't want that happening."

In front of him, he could see the man having a hard time to swallow. Typical, big mouth but only that.

-"Also, you call that a leader?"

Now that Rick was indisposed, he had to find someone else to tease.

-"He didn't even put a fight. He just fell in my arms like a potato sack and haven't been standing back up ever since. Is that the kind of behavior you expect from a leader?

-What did you do to him, you monster!"

Negan smiled. It was really too easy to set that guy off. And at the same time, he understood his reaction. Because it was impossible for Rick to have just given up without a fight. Not anymore. So the only way to justify it, the only explanation was that somehow, Negan had broken the guy.

-"Where is Carl?" It had been fun for five minutes but somehow, it wasn't the same. And after all, he was here on business not leisure. The face of the guy almost instantly distorted like he had just took a bite on a particularly sour lemon. Near him, Michonne was way more contained. She actually seemed more surprised than angry.

-"You don't speak his name, you…

-Aaron!" She interrupted him before he could throw another free insult. "I got this. Let me speak to him."

Negan gritted his teeth. He was thankful for her intervention as Aaron - he actually knew the bastard's name now - was really starting to get on his nerve but he disliked the way she was speaking as if he wasn't part of the conversation. So it was only the better when he left, Negan having now her full attention.

-"So?" He called her again, impatient.

-"Carl is... not here." She said, looking like she was cautiously choosing her words. Negan found her attitude strange but it had the merit to trigger an idea in his mind.

-"Did they had a fight or something?

-Why would you say that?" Michonne countered. She really had a talent to answer with more questions.

-Well you can say he's not here all you want, I call this bullshit. I would bet the boy is avoiding his old man. And Rick... He was such a mess when I found him. So unless someone died, I would say they got into a fight and it was bad enough for Rick to be beating himself up over it.

-Well, like I said, he's not here. I'm afraid I won't be able to help you." At that, Negan let a chuckle slip that almost sounded like a snicker.

-"Help me? That's where you're wrong darling." At the nickname, Michonne's jaw clenched but Negan continue as if he hadn't caught her reaction. "Finding Carl is not about me. When I met Rick four days ago in the woods...

-Met him? Who do you think you're kidding with those kinds of euphemism? You abducted him. You do realize that, right? Or do you really think you were saving him too?" The leader of the said saviors threw her a dark look, not happy to have been interrupted in the least and especially to be thrown barbs at. Instinctively, he had even tightened his grip on Lucille. Michonne seemed to also have noticed the sudden tension in his body but decided not to comment on it. Rick might not have been around anymore, but he would never have wanted for someone else to get hurt over something as silly as semantics.

-"Why does everyone think they can just push me around without any repercussions?" Negan mumbled to himself. But instead of just jumping headfirst in her little game, he preferred to continue on his point:

-"So when I did whatever it is you want to call it, he was truly lifeless. He…" Emotions suddenly emerged, forming a lump in his throat that made him tripped over his words. He prayed for it to look like he was actually looking for his words instead of just being emotional, making him look weak. "He didn't drink for three days straight, god damnit. He almost died and he did it on purpose."

At that last sentence, Michonne's face slowly distorted into a horrified look.

-"I don't understand… Rick is okay, right?

-Yes, for now. But when he wakes up, I don't want him to sabotage himself again. I need Carl to talk to him. I want Rick to realize that he's making zero sense right now. I mean, doesn't he care about his own son anymore, to be going through with those kinds of crazy stunts?

-Don't you dare say that. As you just said, Rick needs to be near his family and friends right now. So why don't you just release him? We'll take care of him.

-There's no way I'm ever letting him go." Negan couldn't even believe she would actually suggest that he simply give up on his only leverage to keep Alexandrians at bay. Counting on his soft spot for the leader of Alexandria was really a low blow.

-"Then you can say everything you want about helping Rick, you are not even willing to lose the little bit of power you have over him to do the right thing.

-You can try to lecture me or psychoanalyze me all you want. Rick also needs medical care right now. And last time I checked, you don't have a doctor here anymore and Carson has been permanently relocated to the Sanctuary. Being here would not do him any favor. But you know what, I get it. As no one is willing to help in this precious Alexandria of yours, I'm gonna have to take care of it myself." At that, he just turned around, leaving Michonne frozen in place.

-"What are you going to do to him?" She shouted, worry clearly tinting her voice. Negan faced the woman one last time, looking her right in the eyes.

-"Now you care? Well that's too bad. Cause that's too late."

And he just kept moving to his truck to come back to the Sanctuary. He'll just have to get his answers from Rick directly. By any means necessary.