His heart was beating out of control in his chest. Harm knew he had to respond to the question with a statement-it wasn't merely a yes or no answer. In the months, actually year or so since the accident, they had effectively avoided discussing "reasons why". Excuses to avoid the conversation were as abundant as the fall leaves. Eventually they closed the book on that chapter once Renee' and Mic were gone. Now they sat here, Maddie's words hanging in the air, daring Harm to be honest with not only himself, but with Mac.
The uneasiness Harm felt filled the room-Mac could sense it. He wrote the book on evasive maneuvers when it came to relationships. Theirs was no different. But she was at fault as much as he was. She could have stayed once Mic had left and Harm had returned from Minnesota after the funeral of Renee's father. Instead she chose to run halfway around the world to "not discuss it". There wasn't any room to run today. The question stood front and center, game and point resting on Harm's response.
Maddie watched the both of them, just as she had every time a new question was on board. This question, by far, rattled them the most. She wanted Harm to just spit it out, yet she didn't want to pressure him for an answer either. Maddie wondered what their relationship was at the time of the mishap. Apparently there was something left unsaid between the two of them after the accident.
After mulling the question around for a minute or two, Harm finally drew a breath, thinking of how he wanted to delicately handle his answer. When he finally spoke, the slightest quiver in his voice caught Maddie's attention.
"I was trying to get back for Mac's wedding."
Wedding? Mac's WEDDING! Those words were screaming in Maddie's head. She didn't dare open her mouth right now because the phrase "What the hell?" was on the tip of her tongue. It was killing her to keep her mouth shut. She was astonished, flabbergasted, and just plain floored by the revelation! So, the plot thickens, Maddie thought, making notes frantically in her file. This was one of the most complex relationships she had ever evaluated, and they were only two sessions into it. This was beginning to read like one of her romance novels.
Composing herself, Maddie asked coolly, "Mac's wedding?"
Harm and Mac both answered "Yes" at the same time, with Mac continuing, "It never happened."
This session was snowballing. One simple question had lead to an avalanche of revelations that she wasn't prepared for, and she was getting the sense that they weren't either. She had the definite impression the two incidents were directly related and she wanted to explore it, but right now the bigger picture seemed to be that Harm's accident was a catalyst for everything that came after that fateful day.
"So, flying through a storm to get to Mac's wedding was worth the risk?"
Without missing a beat, Harm answered, "Yes", causing Mac to catch her breath at his admission. She had always thought his guilt regarding their little disagreement before his quals was the impetus for his rush to get home for the wedding. Now she was certain there was another reason. She had wanted to ask what that reason was a million times, but was afraid his response wouldn't be what she wanted to hear. Now he said flying in that storm was "worth the risk"-did he risk his life for her? He made no bones about disliking Mic, so he wasn't coming home to watch her marry him-that much she was sure of.
Closing her eyes, Mac could remember every minute detail of that night. She could still hear the raging storm outside and feel the ache in her heart at the thought of losing Harm-forever. Recalling it caused her eyes to fill with tears.
Harm's memories were likewise very vivid. He remembered the trouble with the aircraft and how his ejection lever had jammed. He shuddered as he remembered the shocking sensation of hitting the icy waters when he was finally able to eject. He could still feel the chute pulling him under and the ocean threatening to swallow him up. Dying was one thing, but knowing he'd never see Mac again was worse. There was so much left unsaid and undone. He swore that he'd take care of things once he was back, but it never happened. Life and all its complications got in the way.
Maddie could see Mac's face flushed with emotion and the tears brimming in her eyes. Glancing quickly in Harm's direction, she could tell he was fighting a similar battle with himself. The painful memories were boiling at the surface and Harm and Mac were threatening to succumb to them. Watching the anguish on both their faces, Maddie longed to yank them back to the present, but she needed them to walk through the fire once more. They needed to purge their memories of the what-could-have-beens to be able to move on in a new direction.
With the tone of her voice soft and soothing, Maddie began, "I know this is a painful experience for both of you to relive. But in order to help you both, I need to know a little more about the events surrounding the accident."
Sighing, Mac wiped away whatever tears were left on her face. She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself, yet again. If Maddie was going to probe a little deeper into their wounds, then she needed to steel herself for the pain that would come with it.
Harm watched Mac trying to suppress her emotions and wondered if he had been truthful with her that night on the Admiral's porch if they would even be in this place today. Was all this a result of his inadequacies, his inability to let go?
Reviewing her hastily jotted notes, Maddie figured that Mac's wedding was the common denominator in the picture. Getting to the bottom of it all would require some tenacity on her part.
"Let's go back a bit, to before the accident." Maddie paused momentarily, and then posed a question to Harm. "How did you feel about Mac's upcoming wedding?"
Harm was stunned that Maddie asked "that" question. Stunned, but not totally surprised. He had thought she'd eventually get to it, maybe in another session. He never figured on today.
"How did I feel?" Harm said with a sarcastic laugh. Bugme was never one of his favorite people and he had made it very clear to Mac. He could never understand what she saw in him.
Desperately trying not to look in Harm's direction, Mac did anyway. She thought he'd be angry, but what she saw was a man still afraid-afraid to let go-or was he just afraid of her? She watched as the sarcasm faded and was replaced with an anguished look-as if he were tortured by a past memory.
**Frankly, if you need me at your wedding to make it work, maybe you should reconsider who you're marrying.**
Harm got up from the sofa and walked over to the window, moving the curtains to look out to the street below. Maddie didn't want to push him to answer the question. She saw Mac attempt to say something and motioned for her to be silent. There was obviously something that Harm wanted to say and she wanted to give him time to collect his thoughts. She was afraid that any distraction would break the spell that was cast over the room.
Harm stood there silently staring out the window, yet at nothing in particular. Dusk was beginning to fall over the city; the streetlights were coming on, one by one. From his place by the window he could see Mac's reflection in the glass. Even with her tear-stained face, she still was beautiful to him.
The echo of their voices from the past filled his head. Harm closed his eyes and it took him back to Mac standing before him on the Admiral's porch. The question that was burning inside him finally had made it from his heart to his lips.
**Why did you go to him so quickly?
You pushed me away. What was I supposed to do?
Wait.
For how long?
As long as it takes.**
Had he waited too long? Was this the end result of his inability to act on his emotions?
"How did I feel?" Harm spoke softly, almost inaudibly. "There will never be enough words to explain how I felt. Hurt, betrayed, sad, heartbroken-I wanted it to be me you were marrying, not Bugme."
Mac let out an audible gasp. Harm turned from the window to face her. He couldn't find any more words to say, all was lost when he looked at her-the heartbreak evident on her face. He slowly crossed the room to her, but before he could reach her, she stood.
"No! Don't do this, Harm."
"Mac . . . ."
"I'm sorry, Maddie. I need to go." Mac said, gathering her purse and turning to leave.
Harm tried to reach for her arm, but she moved quickly to the other side of the room and out the door before he could stop her.
"Harm. Let her go," Maddie said standing up quickly. She stopped him by grabbing his arm.
"I need . . ."
"She needs to be alone right now. You just told her something that she probably should have heard a long time ago. She is just reacting. Give her time to grasp what you said. Chasing her will only make things worse."
"Damn!" Harm shouted as he smacked the door frame with his hand. It startled Zoloft, causing the cat to scamper out of the room. He paced the room before going back to the sofa. He collapsed and buried his face in his hands, too frustrated to allow the tears that were choking him to fall.
****
Mac made it as far as the stairs before she collapsed in a sea of tears, her sobs echoing in the silence. Why did he wait so long to tell her this? Does saying it now make it any better? It can't erase the past. So much wasted time. The thoughts filling her head were making her dizzy. This was the last place she wanted to be. She settled herself enough to get up and walk down the stairs to the lobby. Entering the foyer of the building, Mac was grateful there was no one around to see her in the state she was in. She quickly made her way out the door to her car. Home was the only place she wanted to be right now. Pulling out of her parking spot, she briefly looked in the rear view mirror to see if Harm was following her-relieved yet disappointed he wasn't.
****
Sitting back down in her chair, Maddie also fought off the tears. She rarely let her emotions cloud her judgment and she hoped she made the right decision by keeping Harm from running after Mac. This was not how she wanted this session to end. But she could understand Mac's frustration too. This little revelation probably came 18 months too late. Maddie hoped, though, that it wasn't too late for them. There was still a chance that this relationship was salvageable, even repairable. It would take some effort on her part, as well as Harm's, to come to terms with the past and move on to the future.
Maddie got up, went over to the sofa and sat down next to Harm. She gently touched his shoulder, "Why don't you go home. We'll pick up where we left off on Wednesday. OK? I'll call Mac tomorrow and set up the appointment."
He could only manage to nod his head. If he spoke, the tears would fall for sure. Harm stood to leave, hoping he was doing the right thing.
"What time on Wednesday?"
"Wednesday is my late day-so why don't we make the appointment for 5 pm. Is that alright?"
"Sure." Harm paused and then added, "I'm sorry things didn't go well today."
"There will be ups and downs with counseling. The goal always remains the same." Maddie smiled, "I'll see you on Wednesday. And Harm, don't let this get you down. Think positive, OK?"
Managing a slight grin, Harm said, "Thanks," and left the room, pulling the door shut behind him.
****
After Harm left, Maddie walked over to her chair and sat down to read some of her notes from everything that transpired during the session. This obviously went further back with them than May of 2001. They had a history with each other, even though it wasn't a "relationship" in every sense of the word. Something must have occurred prior to the accident, prior to Mac's engagement to precipitate events. Maddie couldn't put her finger on it. Were they together at one time? Or, did they attempt to get together and it didn't work. Maybe one of them wanted a relationship and the other wasn't ready? Maddie wrote in their file, "Whatever it was that drove them to this point should be explored-delicately."
Looking at her notes from the last session, she realized they never got to discuss their homework-the strengths and weaknesses. Thinking for a moment, Maddie wrote:
Harm (strengths): loyal, determined, protective
(weaknesses): stubborn, inability to confront his feelings
Mac (strengths): stable, protective, loyal
(weaknesses): stubborn, insecure when it comes to emotions
Now she was thoroughly exhausted. Zoloft peeked around the corner of the doorway. Noting his presence Maddie called to him, picking him up as he wound himself through her legs. "What a pair, Zolly! This isn't going to be as easy as I thought it would," she said to herself. "I just hope I can help them resolve this. It would be a shame if these two never got together." Looking at the clock on her desk she saw it was now 5:25 pm. Closing the file she sighed and said, "Thank goodness my five o'clock appointment cancelled earlier in the day." The rumbling in her stomach reminded her that she had missed lunch and missing dinner wasn't an option. "How about some dinner, Zoloft?" she asked him, as he jumped from her lap when she stood up. He chirped and flicked his tail as if to say "yes" to the dinner proposition. Maddie proceeded to close up the office and headed for the comfort of her home, her cat nestled in her arms.
****
Harm sat in the SUV silently. He had hoped he'd find Mac sitting in her car or something, but she was long gone by the time he made it to the street level. He pulled out the cell phone and went to press 1 on the speed dial. But Maddie's words, "let her go-she needs to be alone right now" reminded him otherwise. Harm closed the phone and drove home. His heart was aching for her. He needed to make things right-but how?
The uneasiness Harm felt filled the room-Mac could sense it. He wrote the book on evasive maneuvers when it came to relationships. Theirs was no different. But she was at fault as much as he was. She could have stayed once Mic had left and Harm had returned from Minnesota after the funeral of Renee's father. Instead she chose to run halfway around the world to "not discuss it". There wasn't any room to run today. The question stood front and center, game and point resting on Harm's response.
Maddie watched the both of them, just as she had every time a new question was on board. This question, by far, rattled them the most. She wanted Harm to just spit it out, yet she didn't want to pressure him for an answer either. Maddie wondered what their relationship was at the time of the mishap. Apparently there was something left unsaid between the two of them after the accident.
After mulling the question around for a minute or two, Harm finally drew a breath, thinking of how he wanted to delicately handle his answer. When he finally spoke, the slightest quiver in his voice caught Maddie's attention.
"I was trying to get back for Mac's wedding."
Wedding? Mac's WEDDING! Those words were screaming in Maddie's head. She didn't dare open her mouth right now because the phrase "What the hell?" was on the tip of her tongue. It was killing her to keep her mouth shut. She was astonished, flabbergasted, and just plain floored by the revelation! So, the plot thickens, Maddie thought, making notes frantically in her file. This was one of the most complex relationships she had ever evaluated, and they were only two sessions into it. This was beginning to read like one of her romance novels.
Composing herself, Maddie asked coolly, "Mac's wedding?"
Harm and Mac both answered "Yes" at the same time, with Mac continuing, "It never happened."
This session was snowballing. One simple question had lead to an avalanche of revelations that she wasn't prepared for, and she was getting the sense that they weren't either. She had the definite impression the two incidents were directly related and she wanted to explore it, but right now the bigger picture seemed to be that Harm's accident was a catalyst for everything that came after that fateful day.
"So, flying through a storm to get to Mac's wedding was worth the risk?"
Without missing a beat, Harm answered, "Yes", causing Mac to catch her breath at his admission. She had always thought his guilt regarding their little disagreement before his quals was the impetus for his rush to get home for the wedding. Now she was certain there was another reason. She had wanted to ask what that reason was a million times, but was afraid his response wouldn't be what she wanted to hear. Now he said flying in that storm was "worth the risk"-did he risk his life for her? He made no bones about disliking Mic, so he wasn't coming home to watch her marry him-that much she was sure of.
Closing her eyes, Mac could remember every minute detail of that night. She could still hear the raging storm outside and feel the ache in her heart at the thought of losing Harm-forever. Recalling it caused her eyes to fill with tears.
Harm's memories were likewise very vivid. He remembered the trouble with the aircraft and how his ejection lever had jammed. He shuddered as he remembered the shocking sensation of hitting the icy waters when he was finally able to eject. He could still feel the chute pulling him under and the ocean threatening to swallow him up. Dying was one thing, but knowing he'd never see Mac again was worse. There was so much left unsaid and undone. He swore that he'd take care of things once he was back, but it never happened. Life and all its complications got in the way.
Maddie could see Mac's face flushed with emotion and the tears brimming in her eyes. Glancing quickly in Harm's direction, she could tell he was fighting a similar battle with himself. The painful memories were boiling at the surface and Harm and Mac were threatening to succumb to them. Watching the anguish on both their faces, Maddie longed to yank them back to the present, but she needed them to walk through the fire once more. They needed to purge their memories of the what-could-have-beens to be able to move on in a new direction.
With the tone of her voice soft and soothing, Maddie began, "I know this is a painful experience for both of you to relive. But in order to help you both, I need to know a little more about the events surrounding the accident."
Sighing, Mac wiped away whatever tears were left on her face. She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself, yet again. If Maddie was going to probe a little deeper into their wounds, then she needed to steel herself for the pain that would come with it.
Harm watched Mac trying to suppress her emotions and wondered if he had been truthful with her that night on the Admiral's porch if they would even be in this place today. Was all this a result of his inadequacies, his inability to let go?
Reviewing her hastily jotted notes, Maddie figured that Mac's wedding was the common denominator in the picture. Getting to the bottom of it all would require some tenacity on her part.
"Let's go back a bit, to before the accident." Maddie paused momentarily, and then posed a question to Harm. "How did you feel about Mac's upcoming wedding?"
Harm was stunned that Maddie asked "that" question. Stunned, but not totally surprised. He had thought she'd eventually get to it, maybe in another session. He never figured on today.
"How did I feel?" Harm said with a sarcastic laugh. Bugme was never one of his favorite people and he had made it very clear to Mac. He could never understand what she saw in him.
Desperately trying not to look in Harm's direction, Mac did anyway. She thought he'd be angry, but what she saw was a man still afraid-afraid to let go-or was he just afraid of her? She watched as the sarcasm faded and was replaced with an anguished look-as if he were tortured by a past memory.
**Frankly, if you need me at your wedding to make it work, maybe you should reconsider who you're marrying.**
Harm got up from the sofa and walked over to the window, moving the curtains to look out to the street below. Maddie didn't want to push him to answer the question. She saw Mac attempt to say something and motioned for her to be silent. There was obviously something that Harm wanted to say and she wanted to give him time to collect his thoughts. She was afraid that any distraction would break the spell that was cast over the room.
Harm stood there silently staring out the window, yet at nothing in particular. Dusk was beginning to fall over the city; the streetlights were coming on, one by one. From his place by the window he could see Mac's reflection in the glass. Even with her tear-stained face, she still was beautiful to him.
The echo of their voices from the past filled his head. Harm closed his eyes and it took him back to Mac standing before him on the Admiral's porch. The question that was burning inside him finally had made it from his heart to his lips.
**Why did you go to him so quickly?
You pushed me away. What was I supposed to do?
Wait.
For how long?
As long as it takes.**
Had he waited too long? Was this the end result of his inability to act on his emotions?
"How did I feel?" Harm spoke softly, almost inaudibly. "There will never be enough words to explain how I felt. Hurt, betrayed, sad, heartbroken-I wanted it to be me you were marrying, not Bugme."
Mac let out an audible gasp. Harm turned from the window to face her. He couldn't find any more words to say, all was lost when he looked at her-the heartbreak evident on her face. He slowly crossed the room to her, but before he could reach her, she stood.
"No! Don't do this, Harm."
"Mac . . . ."
"I'm sorry, Maddie. I need to go." Mac said, gathering her purse and turning to leave.
Harm tried to reach for her arm, but she moved quickly to the other side of the room and out the door before he could stop her.
"Harm. Let her go," Maddie said standing up quickly. She stopped him by grabbing his arm.
"I need . . ."
"She needs to be alone right now. You just told her something that she probably should have heard a long time ago. She is just reacting. Give her time to grasp what you said. Chasing her will only make things worse."
"Damn!" Harm shouted as he smacked the door frame with his hand. It startled Zoloft, causing the cat to scamper out of the room. He paced the room before going back to the sofa. He collapsed and buried his face in his hands, too frustrated to allow the tears that were choking him to fall.
****
Mac made it as far as the stairs before she collapsed in a sea of tears, her sobs echoing in the silence. Why did he wait so long to tell her this? Does saying it now make it any better? It can't erase the past. So much wasted time. The thoughts filling her head were making her dizzy. This was the last place she wanted to be. She settled herself enough to get up and walk down the stairs to the lobby. Entering the foyer of the building, Mac was grateful there was no one around to see her in the state she was in. She quickly made her way out the door to her car. Home was the only place she wanted to be right now. Pulling out of her parking spot, she briefly looked in the rear view mirror to see if Harm was following her-relieved yet disappointed he wasn't.
****
Sitting back down in her chair, Maddie also fought off the tears. She rarely let her emotions cloud her judgment and she hoped she made the right decision by keeping Harm from running after Mac. This was not how she wanted this session to end. But she could understand Mac's frustration too. This little revelation probably came 18 months too late. Maddie hoped, though, that it wasn't too late for them. There was still a chance that this relationship was salvageable, even repairable. It would take some effort on her part, as well as Harm's, to come to terms with the past and move on to the future.
Maddie got up, went over to the sofa and sat down next to Harm. She gently touched his shoulder, "Why don't you go home. We'll pick up where we left off on Wednesday. OK? I'll call Mac tomorrow and set up the appointment."
He could only manage to nod his head. If he spoke, the tears would fall for sure. Harm stood to leave, hoping he was doing the right thing.
"What time on Wednesday?"
"Wednesday is my late day-so why don't we make the appointment for 5 pm. Is that alright?"
"Sure." Harm paused and then added, "I'm sorry things didn't go well today."
"There will be ups and downs with counseling. The goal always remains the same." Maddie smiled, "I'll see you on Wednesday. And Harm, don't let this get you down. Think positive, OK?"
Managing a slight grin, Harm said, "Thanks," and left the room, pulling the door shut behind him.
****
After Harm left, Maddie walked over to her chair and sat down to read some of her notes from everything that transpired during the session. This obviously went further back with them than May of 2001. They had a history with each other, even though it wasn't a "relationship" in every sense of the word. Something must have occurred prior to the accident, prior to Mac's engagement to precipitate events. Maddie couldn't put her finger on it. Were they together at one time? Or, did they attempt to get together and it didn't work. Maybe one of them wanted a relationship and the other wasn't ready? Maddie wrote in their file, "Whatever it was that drove them to this point should be explored-delicately."
Looking at her notes from the last session, she realized they never got to discuss their homework-the strengths and weaknesses. Thinking for a moment, Maddie wrote:
Harm (strengths): loyal, determined, protective
(weaknesses): stubborn, inability to confront his feelings
Mac (strengths): stable, protective, loyal
(weaknesses): stubborn, insecure when it comes to emotions
Now she was thoroughly exhausted. Zoloft peeked around the corner of the doorway. Noting his presence Maddie called to him, picking him up as he wound himself through her legs. "What a pair, Zolly! This isn't going to be as easy as I thought it would," she said to herself. "I just hope I can help them resolve this. It would be a shame if these two never got together." Looking at the clock on her desk she saw it was now 5:25 pm. Closing the file she sighed and said, "Thank goodness my five o'clock appointment cancelled earlier in the day." The rumbling in her stomach reminded her that she had missed lunch and missing dinner wasn't an option. "How about some dinner, Zoloft?" she asked him, as he jumped from her lap when she stood up. He chirped and flicked his tail as if to say "yes" to the dinner proposition. Maddie proceeded to close up the office and headed for the comfort of her home, her cat nestled in her arms.
****
Harm sat in the SUV silently. He had hoped he'd find Mac sitting in her car or something, but she was long gone by the time he made it to the street level. He pulled out the cell phone and went to press 1 on the speed dial. But Maddie's words, "let her go-she needs to be alone right now" reminded him otherwise. Harm closed the phone and drove home. His heart was aching for her. He needed to make things right-but how?