Uncrossing her legs, Maddie moved to the edge of her seat, watching as their emotions overflowed into the room. So, I was right about one of them wanting a relationship, she mused. It was obvious Mac wanted to explore something more with Harm than just friendship. But, for whatever reason, he had backed away. The big question is why. Why wouldn't he want to take their friendship-their relationship-to the next level? And why would she take the ring of another man if it was Harm she wanted?
As her recollection of that night became clearer, Mac backed down a little, no longer able to meet Harm's gaze.
You're just like this with me aren't you?
Yeah, only with you.
I suppose I should be flattered.
You should Sarah.
Fleeing the past yet again, she walked around him toward the windows saying, "I'm sorry. I overreacted a little." Feeling the tears welling up inside her, Mac took a deep breath and suppressed them before they could make their appearance. Her heart was taking an emotional beating today and crying would only make it worse.
Harm suddenly felt guilty for getting in her face about it, but he wanted to make it very clear to her that she was wrong about him pushing her away. The last thing he wanted to do was rehash that night; however, it all came out like water through a burst dam.
"I'm sorry too," He said softly. Pausing, he added, "I know you didn't take the ring to get back at me. And, for the record, I would never push you away, at least not willingly." Taking a moment to collect his thoughts, Harm sighed, "I just wish I could understand why you went to him so quickly."
Mac smiled sadly avoiding eye contact with him, "Mic was quite persuasive. My track record with men hasn't been the greatest. He genuinely was interested in me and a nice guy, despite what you think. Frankly, I probably was a little flattered by all the attention."
Something about Mac's statement intrigued Maddie, so she made note of this in her file. She wondered if there was an underlying fear of being alone, although she couldn't quite understand why. Someone must have put this fear into her a long time ago, she thought.
Continuing to look out the window, Mac became lost in her thoughts. Remembering Sydney brought back memories that she had long since buried. Harm had turned down the prospect of a relationship with her. And, for what it's worth, it still hurt her on some levels. She turned around and saw that Harm was still standing in the same spot she left him. He was looking at her-his eyes filled with regret. She wondered what was going through his mind right now.
The last time they attempted to discuss this was the night of her engagement party-hardly the right time or place. That night was such a bevy of emotions it left her head spinning and her heart aching. There was nothing stopping her from finding out now. She needed to know. She had to know-why not her? So many questions were burning inside her-waiting, yearning to be asked.
"Why are you only that way with me?" her voice nearly failed her as the words consuming her thoughts escaped her lips.
Harm knew it was coming. They couldn't go back and revisit that night and avoid that question. He drew an uneasy breath, wanting to tell her the truth without making it sound inconsequential.
"I was afraid, I guess," he said uneasily, unsure what sort of reaction she would have. He watched her expressionless face, wishing she would just get angry again. He deserved her anger for all he had put her through. Instead, she turned back toward the window, unwilling to meet his pained gaze.
Maddie intently watched the exchange between the two friends. She momentarily waited for Mac to respond to Harm's statement, and when she didn't, Maddie decided to pick up the conversation where it was left off.
"What were you afraid of, Harm?"
"I guess you could add fear to my list of weaknesses," he said without really answering the question, continuing to look in Mac's direction. For as much as he wanted it to sound funny, it came out more like a desperate proclamation.
Refocusing the question to no one in particular, Maddie said, "Something happened that night in Sydney. What was it?" She wanted one of them to shed some light on the incident so she could fully understand both of their motives.
Harm and Mac were so engrossed in their past, they shut out the present, unknowingly ignoring Maddie's question. For them, they were back on that ferry passing under the bridge of destiny. Mac turned from the window and crossed the room to Harm. She couldn't get mad at him. He was as afraid to let go that night in Sydney as much as she was afraid to tell Mic no. After that night, she had tried to rationalize Harm's motives over and over, attempting to understand why he backed away. But, wrong or right, one thing stood out in her mind.
"Is it because I look like her?" Mac asked tentatively, biting her lower lip for control. She really didn't want to go there, but she had to know. It was now or never.
The session was taking on a life of its own. Harm and Mac were journeying down yet another twisted road of their relationship without a map, taking Maddie with them. Her own heart was pounding in her chest as this ride careened out of control. Now there was a "her" in the picture. She wanted so desperately to ask "Who is 'her'" but the precariousness of the present discussion stopped her. The "asking" would come later, but only when the dust had settled.
Mac's words resounded like a gong in Harm's head. He recoiled at her words and his blue eyes grew wide with disbelief. Never in his life did he expect Mac to bring up Diane-especially here and now.
"Mac, I never . . ." he gasped, wanting to clear up any misconceptions Mac had immediately. But, Mac wasn't giving him the chance.
"Harm, there has to be some reason why you are only this way with me. Diane is the obvious one," she said, her voice quivering ever so slightly.
Trying to regroup, Harm turned from Mac, completely stunned that she thought he still saw Diane in her. In an attempt to stall what she thought was a retreat, Mac grabbed him by the arm, "For God's sake, why can't you just tell me?" Her emotions were so jumbled up right now she didn't know how or what to feel. She caught her breath as her stomach twisted into knots when he looked at her, not knowing who or what he was seeing.
"That's part of it, Mac. But it's not the reason." He reached up and caressed her cheek gently-a gesture Mac was almost sure involved a memory of Diane. His warmth penetrated her skin right down to her heart, making her gasp.
"Then tell me, Harm. I'm here. I'm listening. I'm not going anywhere," she said softly, grasping the hand on her face in an attempt to express her desire to know.
The pleading look in her eyes made Harm weak. This wasn't just a fleeting notion; she must have thought about this for some time, he mused. Sighing, he took Mac by the hand and led her to the sofa, motioning for her to sit. It was time to tell her.
Completely engrossed in their discussion, Maddie watched as they settled on the sofa side-by-side. This wasn't her plan for today, but it was working, as far as she was concerned. In a matter of moments, Harm and Mac went from screaming at each other to a genuine heart-to-heart, extracting bits and pieces of the past to put the puzzle of their lives together. Right now the pieces were beginning to mesh-she could only hope that they would see the bigger picture-soon.
"That night in Sydney, I saw only you," Harm said, his voice gentle and soothing. "And, when I look at you now, I see only you. I buried Diane a long time ago." His eyes locked with hers as he searched for her understanding.
"But, you said it was part of . . ."
"At one time," he quickly interjected. "But that's in the past."
"Then why are you afraid?" she asked, her voice quivering, barely above a whisper.
Harm took a deep breath, "Your life hasn't been easy. Every man you've ever trusted and loved has disappointed you." He paused, not sure how to put into words all he wanted to say without hurting her. "You are my best friend. If it didn't work and we lost that . . . it would be unbearable."
"What makes you think you'll lose me?"
"I'm not perfect, Mac. Some of the choices I've made haven't exactly turned out right."
"Neither am I, Harm. Look at my past. Do you think I'm proud of what happened with Chris or with Dalton? Those were certainly not my finest moments."
"But, you've trusted me and I've disappointed you too."
Mac sat there and stared at Harm not knowing what to say. He seemed quite convicted in his belief that he disappointed her, albeit an unfounded belief.
"Harm, I never said that you disappointed me. What would make you think that?"
"That night you came to me to talk about Chris Ragle. Do you remember?"
Mac nodded her head, sure yet still uncertain where he was going with this. She remembered the night very well. Her life had been turned upside down and the one person she needed to right it was otherwise occupied, with Bobbie Latham no less.
"You needed me and I turned you away because Bobbie was there," he said. "That was the last time I ever let my hormones take control of my head," a slight snicker escaped his lips as he remembered that night.
Acknowledging his words, Mac knew he was right. He did disappoint her that night. But before she could comment, he was rattling off another instance. It was like he kept a little black book of how and when he hurt her, recounting them one by one.
"And the night that Mic left, I pleaded with you to come to me. And when you did, I essentially made you go away because of Renee'. That should have never happened-again, you needed me and I couldn't be there for you." Harm's eyes were filled with regret as the memory consumed him and tormented him.
"Renee's father had just died. She needed you. I didn't expect you to walk away from her," Mac rebutted honestly.
"But I . . ."
"You had no way of knowing that was going to happen, Harm," she said adamantly.
Mac watched Harm, trying to absorb what he was telling her. What he was saying was right-it did hurt her. But she didn't let those incidents consume her life as it had seemed that he did. Of course that night it wasn't clear as she drowned in her sorrow. But having had sufficient time to think about it, well, actually a few months, she had put the issue to rest.
Maddie was astounded by the little snippets of their conversation. It seemed that so much of what had transpired between them was part pure misunderstanding and part stubbornness, each afraid to find out the truth. It was almost funny to her. Here they were-two successful lawyers who search for truth and justice-and they couldn't see the forest for the trees.
Mac could feel her ire growing again-reacting to Harm's stubbornness. "I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I wasn't hurt-because I was-but that was then. You have to understand that you aren't like my father, or Chris, or Dalton. Part of what happened to me because of them made me the person I am today-I grew from those experiences. You could never fall into the same category as they did. You never set out to hurt me deliberately. Circumstances were different," Mac said, her voice beginning to resound in the room as she tried to get Harm to understand.
Deciding she wanted to reel them in before their little moment became an all out blood bath once again, Maddie cleared her throat to make her presence known.
The two officers looked at her startled. They had become so engrossed in the "who hurt who first" debate, they had forgotten that there was a third person in the room.
Having sufficiently gotten their attention, Maddie's next task was to clarify a lot of points she had no clue about-mainly their past social lives-away from the military. So many names and instances were left floating in the air; she wished they had brought a cast list with them so she would know who the players were before they got anywhere. Since that wasn't the case, she had to venture into uncharted territory, praying that they left the lions and tigers and bears at home.
"Mac, you brought your father into this discussion. Can you tell me about your relationship with him?" Maddie asked cautiously.
Harm eyed Mac carefully, waiting for the fireworks to begin. This was and still is delicate territory for her, he thought. Seeing her bristle at the mention of him, Harm had braced himself for her next verbal onslaught. He wished he could have warned Maddie ahead of time, but now was definitely too late.
As her recollection of that night became clearer, Mac backed down a little, no longer able to meet Harm's gaze.
You're just like this with me aren't you?
Yeah, only with you.
I suppose I should be flattered.
You should Sarah.
Fleeing the past yet again, she walked around him toward the windows saying, "I'm sorry. I overreacted a little." Feeling the tears welling up inside her, Mac took a deep breath and suppressed them before they could make their appearance. Her heart was taking an emotional beating today and crying would only make it worse.
Harm suddenly felt guilty for getting in her face about it, but he wanted to make it very clear to her that she was wrong about him pushing her away. The last thing he wanted to do was rehash that night; however, it all came out like water through a burst dam.
"I'm sorry too," He said softly. Pausing, he added, "I know you didn't take the ring to get back at me. And, for the record, I would never push you away, at least not willingly." Taking a moment to collect his thoughts, Harm sighed, "I just wish I could understand why you went to him so quickly."
Mac smiled sadly avoiding eye contact with him, "Mic was quite persuasive. My track record with men hasn't been the greatest. He genuinely was interested in me and a nice guy, despite what you think. Frankly, I probably was a little flattered by all the attention."
Something about Mac's statement intrigued Maddie, so she made note of this in her file. She wondered if there was an underlying fear of being alone, although she couldn't quite understand why. Someone must have put this fear into her a long time ago, she thought.
Continuing to look out the window, Mac became lost in her thoughts. Remembering Sydney brought back memories that she had long since buried. Harm had turned down the prospect of a relationship with her. And, for what it's worth, it still hurt her on some levels. She turned around and saw that Harm was still standing in the same spot she left him. He was looking at her-his eyes filled with regret. She wondered what was going through his mind right now.
The last time they attempted to discuss this was the night of her engagement party-hardly the right time or place. That night was such a bevy of emotions it left her head spinning and her heart aching. There was nothing stopping her from finding out now. She needed to know. She had to know-why not her? So many questions were burning inside her-waiting, yearning to be asked.
"Why are you only that way with me?" her voice nearly failed her as the words consuming her thoughts escaped her lips.
Harm knew it was coming. They couldn't go back and revisit that night and avoid that question. He drew an uneasy breath, wanting to tell her the truth without making it sound inconsequential.
"I was afraid, I guess," he said uneasily, unsure what sort of reaction she would have. He watched her expressionless face, wishing she would just get angry again. He deserved her anger for all he had put her through. Instead, she turned back toward the window, unwilling to meet his pained gaze.
Maddie intently watched the exchange between the two friends. She momentarily waited for Mac to respond to Harm's statement, and when she didn't, Maddie decided to pick up the conversation where it was left off.
"What were you afraid of, Harm?"
"I guess you could add fear to my list of weaknesses," he said without really answering the question, continuing to look in Mac's direction. For as much as he wanted it to sound funny, it came out more like a desperate proclamation.
Refocusing the question to no one in particular, Maddie said, "Something happened that night in Sydney. What was it?" She wanted one of them to shed some light on the incident so she could fully understand both of their motives.
Harm and Mac were so engrossed in their past, they shut out the present, unknowingly ignoring Maddie's question. For them, they were back on that ferry passing under the bridge of destiny. Mac turned from the window and crossed the room to Harm. She couldn't get mad at him. He was as afraid to let go that night in Sydney as much as she was afraid to tell Mic no. After that night, she had tried to rationalize Harm's motives over and over, attempting to understand why he backed away. But, wrong or right, one thing stood out in her mind.
"Is it because I look like her?" Mac asked tentatively, biting her lower lip for control. She really didn't want to go there, but she had to know. It was now or never.
The session was taking on a life of its own. Harm and Mac were journeying down yet another twisted road of their relationship without a map, taking Maddie with them. Her own heart was pounding in her chest as this ride careened out of control. Now there was a "her" in the picture. She wanted so desperately to ask "Who is 'her'" but the precariousness of the present discussion stopped her. The "asking" would come later, but only when the dust had settled.
Mac's words resounded like a gong in Harm's head. He recoiled at her words and his blue eyes grew wide with disbelief. Never in his life did he expect Mac to bring up Diane-especially here and now.
"Mac, I never . . ." he gasped, wanting to clear up any misconceptions Mac had immediately. But, Mac wasn't giving him the chance.
"Harm, there has to be some reason why you are only this way with me. Diane is the obvious one," she said, her voice quivering ever so slightly.
Trying to regroup, Harm turned from Mac, completely stunned that she thought he still saw Diane in her. In an attempt to stall what she thought was a retreat, Mac grabbed him by the arm, "For God's sake, why can't you just tell me?" Her emotions were so jumbled up right now she didn't know how or what to feel. She caught her breath as her stomach twisted into knots when he looked at her, not knowing who or what he was seeing.
"That's part of it, Mac. But it's not the reason." He reached up and caressed her cheek gently-a gesture Mac was almost sure involved a memory of Diane. His warmth penetrated her skin right down to her heart, making her gasp.
"Then tell me, Harm. I'm here. I'm listening. I'm not going anywhere," she said softly, grasping the hand on her face in an attempt to express her desire to know.
The pleading look in her eyes made Harm weak. This wasn't just a fleeting notion; she must have thought about this for some time, he mused. Sighing, he took Mac by the hand and led her to the sofa, motioning for her to sit. It was time to tell her.
Completely engrossed in their discussion, Maddie watched as they settled on the sofa side-by-side. This wasn't her plan for today, but it was working, as far as she was concerned. In a matter of moments, Harm and Mac went from screaming at each other to a genuine heart-to-heart, extracting bits and pieces of the past to put the puzzle of their lives together. Right now the pieces were beginning to mesh-she could only hope that they would see the bigger picture-soon.
"That night in Sydney, I saw only you," Harm said, his voice gentle and soothing. "And, when I look at you now, I see only you. I buried Diane a long time ago." His eyes locked with hers as he searched for her understanding.
"But, you said it was part of . . ."
"At one time," he quickly interjected. "But that's in the past."
"Then why are you afraid?" she asked, her voice quivering, barely above a whisper.
Harm took a deep breath, "Your life hasn't been easy. Every man you've ever trusted and loved has disappointed you." He paused, not sure how to put into words all he wanted to say without hurting her. "You are my best friend. If it didn't work and we lost that . . . it would be unbearable."
"What makes you think you'll lose me?"
"I'm not perfect, Mac. Some of the choices I've made haven't exactly turned out right."
"Neither am I, Harm. Look at my past. Do you think I'm proud of what happened with Chris or with Dalton? Those were certainly not my finest moments."
"But, you've trusted me and I've disappointed you too."
Mac sat there and stared at Harm not knowing what to say. He seemed quite convicted in his belief that he disappointed her, albeit an unfounded belief.
"Harm, I never said that you disappointed me. What would make you think that?"
"That night you came to me to talk about Chris Ragle. Do you remember?"
Mac nodded her head, sure yet still uncertain where he was going with this. She remembered the night very well. Her life had been turned upside down and the one person she needed to right it was otherwise occupied, with Bobbie Latham no less.
"You needed me and I turned you away because Bobbie was there," he said. "That was the last time I ever let my hormones take control of my head," a slight snicker escaped his lips as he remembered that night.
Acknowledging his words, Mac knew he was right. He did disappoint her that night. But before she could comment, he was rattling off another instance. It was like he kept a little black book of how and when he hurt her, recounting them one by one.
"And the night that Mic left, I pleaded with you to come to me. And when you did, I essentially made you go away because of Renee'. That should have never happened-again, you needed me and I couldn't be there for you." Harm's eyes were filled with regret as the memory consumed him and tormented him.
"Renee's father had just died. She needed you. I didn't expect you to walk away from her," Mac rebutted honestly.
"But I . . ."
"You had no way of knowing that was going to happen, Harm," she said adamantly.
Mac watched Harm, trying to absorb what he was telling her. What he was saying was right-it did hurt her. But she didn't let those incidents consume her life as it had seemed that he did. Of course that night it wasn't clear as she drowned in her sorrow. But having had sufficient time to think about it, well, actually a few months, she had put the issue to rest.
Maddie was astounded by the little snippets of their conversation. It seemed that so much of what had transpired between them was part pure misunderstanding and part stubbornness, each afraid to find out the truth. It was almost funny to her. Here they were-two successful lawyers who search for truth and justice-and they couldn't see the forest for the trees.
Mac could feel her ire growing again-reacting to Harm's stubbornness. "I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I wasn't hurt-because I was-but that was then. You have to understand that you aren't like my father, or Chris, or Dalton. Part of what happened to me because of them made me the person I am today-I grew from those experiences. You could never fall into the same category as they did. You never set out to hurt me deliberately. Circumstances were different," Mac said, her voice beginning to resound in the room as she tried to get Harm to understand.
Deciding she wanted to reel them in before their little moment became an all out blood bath once again, Maddie cleared her throat to make her presence known.
The two officers looked at her startled. They had become so engrossed in the "who hurt who first" debate, they had forgotten that there was a third person in the room.
Having sufficiently gotten their attention, Maddie's next task was to clarify a lot of points she had no clue about-mainly their past social lives-away from the military. So many names and instances were left floating in the air; she wished they had brought a cast list with them so she would know who the players were before they got anywhere. Since that wasn't the case, she had to venture into uncharted territory, praying that they left the lions and tigers and bears at home.
"Mac, you brought your father into this discussion. Can you tell me about your relationship with him?" Maddie asked cautiously.
Harm eyed Mac carefully, waiting for the fireworks to begin. This was and still is delicate territory for her, he thought. Seeing her bristle at the mention of him, Harm had braced himself for her next verbal onslaught. He wished he could have warned Maddie ahead of time, but now was definitely too late.