EPOV
It was dark and cloudy for some days now as autumn is breaking through. I was staring outside the window; dread was present in my stomach. There is no turning back, today I'm making the hardest decision of my existence.
The rain splashing down creating large puddles represents the tears I couldn't produce. It was like the Earth felt my sorrow and cried along with me.
I declined Bella's offer to stay at her place, but still she kept her window opened hoping I would change my mind. At times she even pokes her head out to see a glimpse of me. She eventually gave up but didn't close the window.
It was a restless night for her, she still believes it's her fault, It's mine. She wanted something simple, but I dragged her into something she didn't want.
Just like I dragged all kinds of danger to her,
"My poor Bella, please forgive me for what I'm going to do, please. I hope deep inside you can" Edward said.
"You will not believe me right away, I would have to crush your spirit and break your heart, saying the worst unloving things to you for hours before you finally budge, that's what hurts me the most. I might not be able to make you believe me quickly. but I hope you'll be relieved from the pain I caused you very soon.
My beloved, I'm doing this to save you from me, I'm a monster I could harm you in my weakest moments. After all I still crave for human blood.
I almost turned against you, my throat was burning like an inferno I almost.."
A sob escaped and buried my face against my knees as I sat on the ground.
Why didn't I just stay away? Why didn't I just stay in Denali? I would have never fallen in love.
I don't want to do this, but the pain will not last forever, at least on her part. time will heal her wounds but not mine.
imagine if I lost control that night too.. my poor Bella.. I wish I could tell you to ignore everything I say.
When I leave I hope she will see that this is similar to that moment where I told her to lie that she needs to go to Arizona for Charlie's safety.
maybe her subconscious mind will tell her that nothing will end my love for her.
I wish I could tell you the truth, why I need to go.. that I will always love you.. it will cause you the least amount of pain, but I know that you're not going to let go..
You'll wait for me still even when your hair will turn gray, I can't let it be your fate."
"I Wish I could have stayed through your whole human life and hold your hand as you pass away and I would join you shortly. I won't linger on Earth a second longer after you've been put to rest.." Edward felt even more distraught thinking about Bella's final days.
She'll leave to a sacred land forever hidden from vampires, I can't be with her when my remains turned into a hellish ruin,
Maybe when she's about to pass away I can make a brief return and hold her hand like she always wanted, hopefully she won't remember me due to old age,
I can't imagine the pain I would feel if her eyes turned grim with disgust, or maybe I can come back much sooner to do things for her behind the scenes but only when I no longer have a place in her life. a 40-year-old Bella would have outgrown a boy who frozen in the age of 17 in every way.
With her newfound emotional maturity at that age, she won't have me back no matter how much I would beg If I'll ever change my mind and that was good,
I could never put her in danger again.
Deep down I'll fear that after the sorrow has passed and she gets over her heartbreak all the feelings she had for me will turn into hatred.
But it doesn't matter, her wellbeing and prosperous future is too valuable to relinquish for vampirism.
You deserve to be happy, stay strong Bella. I promise this will be over soon and you'll have a life.
A human life I can't give you,
That hurts even more than saying goodbye to you. I'm just not good enough.
Edward moved away from the window when he heard the footsteps of Carlisle walk passed his door to the living room, Edward decided to meet him there, just for the emotional support, he could always talk to his father about hardships but for some reason Edward felt it wasn't the right moment to talk about his problems.
Carlisle finds it hard to be apart from the others, hard to leave his home behind on his request.
Maybe spending the last night in Forks in our old home just makes things harder, maybe they should leave right now instead of after he had class.
Carlisle was visibly troubled he moved around the house with his hand against his sides wondering what he needs to do.
" Father?" Edward spoke entering the living room, Carlisle loosened his troubled features slowly dropping his hands to his sides.
They looked at each other for a moment and Edward spoke up, " I understand It's hard, but we'll get used to our new place, we could always watch the news from Forks" Edward said. " And When Bella.. passes you can go back" Edward said.
deliberately not saying 'we'.
When Bella is no longer on this Earth he'll make a plan to end his own pain but won't think about it in details incase Alice gets a vision from it.
" It's not that, I'm not ready to leave tomorrow" Carlisle said.
" I have patients," Carlisle said.
" You'll have plenty of patients in Newyork, Human's get sick everywhere around the world" Edward said.
" It's not about making Money Edward; I couldn't care less about that" Carlisle said.
" It's about my duty,
I'm needed here.."Carlisle said careful.
" But I'll join you as soon as I can"
" You promised you would follow my lead" Edward said disappointed.
"I did"
" Then why are you backing out?" Edward snaps. " We can't stay here Carlisle"
"If you want me to stay away from Bella I'll change locations, I won't say a word to her. But I can't leave my patients like that" Carlisle said.
Edward became furious. " Your presence alone will ruin everything,"
" She will ask you questions, she'll cling onto the idea I might come back if you are staying, A Clean break is what she needs" Edward said.
" She needs you Edward, There is no need to leave, we can drop this right now and make sure Jasper and Bella won't be in the same room again" Carlisle said.
" What will happen next? Or when we decide to get married? Are you going to exclude him from the wedding? If Bella and I move in together, should I just keep the doors shut for him?" Edward said becoming irate.
" Edward there is no need for that, I told Bella I would change her after graduation since It's safer that way" Carlisle said.
" You can be together without a problem"
" You told her that? behind my back?" Edward said his golden eye color became livid with rage.
" I.. I thought she tells you everything" Carlisle said stepping back, he felt a bit nervous he didn't mean to get Bella in trouble.
"No, I won't let her become a Vampire, I told you many times why I am against this" Edward said.
" There were so many moments I wished I was a human, to give her more than I can give right now" Edward said.
" She wouldn't have to say goodbye to her family, her friends, all of them could be a part of her life," Edward said.
" But that's her choice, she wants to make that sacrifice" Carlisle said.
" No she doesn't, as soon as she has that bitter taste of loneliness, struggling with the thirst she wished she could go back, have a family close to her without tearing them apart" Edward said.
" I don't want her to end up like this, I know what it's like to sign up for this without knowing that it's like to be this way" Edward said.
" Maybe you need more time to think." Carlisle suggested.
"You don't know what's right for her so stop it!" Edward said becoming hostile.
"Neither do you apparently, let her choose for herself" Carlisle urges.
" Do you really think deserting her will solve anything? Do you have any idea how hard it is to leave Forks for all of us?" Carlisle said.
"This is not what she wants!," Edward raises his voice.
Bella is looking through rose-tinted glasses, she sees the only good thing about being a vampire,
and that is live forever, If she wasn't in love with me and knew what would happen to her if she changed then she would rather be a human than a blood sucking soulless monster" Edward said.
" She's making stupid decisions because of me Carlisle" Edward said.
" She doesn't belong in our world" Edward said. wishing he never revealed himself to her.
" Would you look for a vampire mate?" Carlisle said. " There are plenty of women in Denali who are like us"
Edward gave an aggravating shrug when the image of Tanya and Shioban was present in his mind, those ladies are indeed attractive.
But just being attractive is not enough.
" I'll be alone, I guess it's a price I have to pay for your actions" Edward said.
"What do you mean?" Carlisle asks.
"You turned me into this vile creature" Edward said.
"I suffer every single day, oppressing that monster from within while you had centuries to control the blood thirst" Edward said.
"You have Esme, I have nobody, I can't have anyone" I'm not attracted to vampires" Edward said.
" I'll never find a woman better than Bella" Edward said.
"Would you have rather died from the Spanish flu?" Carlisle said, wondering if Edward would refuse to be turned into a vampire if he could talk on his deathbed.
Edward couldn't answer that, Carlisle saved him from death but now that Bella won't be a part of his existence anymore, he's pretty much good as dead.
"Maybe I should have," Edward said unthankful. " I should have died"
" And so should you Carlisle, You didn't save me or anyone, You just made everything worse" Edward said.
Carlisle didn't want to stay in this room longer, but disrespect is something he can't let Edward get away with.
"Well Maybe it's not vampires she needs protection from Edward, it's just you" Carlisle said.
" I guess you are right, Goodbye Carlisle" Edward said disowning Carlisle like he did 70 years ago.
Carlisle watched him leave regret was all over his eyes, like he would cry.
" Edward" Carlisle chocked out he reached for him but Edward took no notice.
-/-
Edward distanced himself from Carlisle and didn't speak to him for hours.
Carlisle didn't want to lose a son; he wants them to get through this together.
Even though Edward said very mean things himself Carlisle wished he didn't lose his temper like that.
Edward was in his room counting the particles that comes from the sun as he stares outside the open window.
" Edward" Carlisle said carefully, a flinch from the shoulders was his only response back but kept focusing on what he was doing.
"Edward can you please face me?" Carlisle said but Edward didn't respond. Mostly because he felt embarrassed for the way he spoke to his father.
"I'm sorry. " Carlisle said. " Can you at least say something?"
" Just tell me to go away, or yell that you hate me but please" Carlisle said.
" I'm just mentally preparing myself for our departure" Edward said not looking up.
Edward heard Carlisle coming closer and buried his face against his knees,
He kneels next to him and held him gently, " I shouldn't have said those things, I hope I can be forgiven" Carlisle said.
" Well you need forgive me first" Edward then looks him in the eye.
" I crossed the line" Edward said moving away from Carlisle and faced the window.
" It's okay Edward, I still love you very much" Carlisle said.
" Heh" Edward smiled, He had no doubt that Carlisle does but at times he feels he takes his surrogate father for granted.
"Okay it's time to visit Bella" Edward said no longer wanting to stall things.
" Alice said I should not give in no matter what she'll say to me, or I might not be able to leave" Edward said disheartened.
"So I will do whatever I can to pretend she means nothing to me" Edward said and another throb of agony shook him. The pain seems endless he just wants to leave, maybe staying out of Forks could help him focus on distractions.
Carlisle stood with his back against the wall of the bedroom. "This doesn't feel right Edward" Carlisle said.
"Can't we just try something else?" Carlisle said.
"What is there left?" Edward asks finally looking up. "She's not going to let it go, I tried to make her see that it is dangerous to be with a vampire in Phoenix. " Edward said.
"I tried to reason with her and have her move to Florida, but she refused" Edward said.
"The worst part is that." Edward paused and squeezed his eyes.
"I might have to lie to her for hours, in order to make her back off, I don't want to do this" Edward said.
"Then don't" Carlisle said. "Just tell her you don't want to be in a relationship and leave it at that"
"There is no need to break her" Carlisle said.
"But it might be the only way for her to move on quick, I don't want her to wait and think I'll come back" Edward said.
"I want it to be clear that it's goodbye for good" Edward said. "For her sake"
"I've already ruined too much, I can't keep her safe.. It's for the best Carlisle" Edward said.
Edward stood there with his back turned for a moment and his shoulders dropped,
" I'm going" Edward said short and left the house.
Edward drives towards Bella's house, the traffic light remained on red. he was getting closer.
The things he will say to her felt like a repetition going through his mind, hopefully their final chat won't resemble anything he had with his father.
-/-
EPOV.
My heart aces for her,. The day progressed much faster than I wanted it to go, regret bulges in my heart for not staying over one last night but the sooner this is done the sooner she'll be safe from all kinds of harm my world creates. she will be safe... from me.
By the look on her face she already knows what will come next. She remains calm and didn't ask why I wouldn't stay. Like an innocent human on death row. She knows what I'm going to do but instead of avoiding me or make excuses not to meet up with me for our final chat she just arrived.
Accepting her fate.
the engine of her truck wheezed and puffed a large smoke before the car was neatly parked,
She didn't smile when she stepped out, she didn't look up as she carefully made her way to where I was standing. I'm glad she didn't look up because my eyes were a dead giveaway that Whatever I'm going to say to her is a lie. I inhaled obscuring any feelings of guilty or sorrow for leaving her behind.
I tried to look as cold as I can, trying not to budge.
I prepared myself for any counter argument to find any contradiction in my lies, I know she will put up a fight, she won't let me go this easily. The love we share is something rare and sacred.
There is no way she'll believe me right away, so I fear that I'll have to say horrible things to her to least make her doubt me.
I wish I didn't have to do this, but her life is more important than what I need.
I can already imagine the life she'll have; it might be a little hard to move on at first, maybe she'll hate me, that will be heartbreaking to say the least, but she'll have a happy life very soon.
"Come for a walk with me" I said emotionless, and Bella looked up following me in silence.