Disclaimer: All Lord of the Rings characters, places, events, and related items belong to J.R.R. Tolkien Copyright Trust.

Mirkwood Accounting

Chapter One: If it's not one thing, it's a grandmother

It was late morning, and at Mirkwood accounting that was generally a period of little work as everyone was getting ready to go to lunch. Legolas walked into the building humming happily to himself. Seeing Etrerlia at the computer typing, he called out cheerfully, "Hey 'Li 'Li!"

"Hey queer queer." Etrerlia didn't even look up as she typed away.

Legolas paused, then resumed walking toward his original destination - the coffee maker. "So, what are you typing up?"

"I am making a list of 'Who's-who' for the employees and putting it up in the front lobby with rubber cement."

"A list of 'Who's-who'? And why rubber cement?"

"Rubber cement because we ran out of tape - Theoden's been playing with it. And the list is because people are forgetting what their jobs are. Like earlier Theoden started thinking that Eowyn was the receptionist, then Arwen heard and accused Eowyn of something along the lines Stealing my man wasn't enough for you so now you're out to get my job! The two of them started bickering. They were at it for hours. And yesterday Elrond, during some weird period of mental imbalance, thought that he was the janitor and went around the whole place emptying trashcans."

"Oh." Legolas raised an eyebrow. "So how much have you gotten done with this list of yours?"

"I'm almost done." She finished the line Etrerlia: Secretary/Treasurer, and hit enter. Etrerlia looked up to see Legolas standing there with a coffee mug in his hand and not moving. She read aloud while typing. "Legolas: nosy elf who is standing holding his coffee instead of getting to work like he should be." She gave him a pointed look. He took the hint and went to his office, carrying his mug of coffee and humming. A few seconds later, he came back and sat down at a vacant computer next to Etrerlia.

"I forgot, my computer's busted." He switched on the computer, and started humming again. Etrerlia looked over at him.

"Why are you so cheerful today?" she asked.

"Oh nothing," he replied. He pretended to work. Then he turned to Etrerlia with a goofy smile on his face. "Well actually, Galadriel came for a tour of Mirkwood Accounting this morning. She said she wanted to see where her graddaughter was working. Arwen, Aragorn and I gave her a tour, had a nice chat, and get this," He leaned closer to Etrerlia. "She really liked me."

"Oh, so you figured that if you can't be Arwen's husband at least you could be her grandpa." Etrerlia said sarcastically. "I see."

Legolas stared at her. "No. Galadriel liked me better than Aragorn, as in she can't believe Arwen would fall for him when there's this cool, handsome, charming guy right in front of her." By then, Legolas was grinning like a demented elf.

"You must be hallucinating." Etrerlia looked slightly concerned. "Oh no, did you eat that brownie I hid in the corner of the microwave?"

"Uh, no. But seriously, Galadriel is probably trying to talk Arwen out of liking Aragorn, and getting her hooked up with me." Legolas grinned.

"Did she eat my brownie?"

"No...Etrerlia, what's with the brownie anyway?"

Before Etrerlia could reply, Arwen stormed in, closely followed by Aragorn. Arwen immediately went over to the coffee maker and began making herself a cup. She pointedly ignored Aragorn.

"Look, I'm sorry okay?" Aragorn said to her in exasperation. "It's not my fault she didn't like me, I mean, she was so onto my case!"

Arwen whipped around to face him. "Oh yeah, I'm so sure. Grandmother was really onto your case now wasn't she? And what, she was like attacking you with small-talk."

"Ok, ok, I"m sorry. What more do you want?"

"Why couldn't you have given her a better impression? At least you could have made her laugh."

"I tried! She didn't get my jokes!" Aragorn said.

Arwen chose to ignore his comment. "I mean, Legolas made her laugh! And he's not even that funny," Arwen said gesturing toward the elf.

"Hey, have you heard my Whitney Houston imitation?" Legolas said defensively at the comment that he wasn't funny.

"Valar, if I have to hear that again I swear I will have you hung from the pinnacle of Orthanc by your Withney Houston toes." Etrerlia glared at Legolas. She seemed to conveniently have forgotten that Orthanc - along with its pinnacle - was still in Middle Earth, a totally different universe.

Aragorn sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm just really sorry Arwen. We both know that I have problems, I used to have a great career and everything, and then the alcohol addiction thing and it all went down the drain. I'm not at my best right now, but I promise I'll try harder."

Arwen shook her head. "You've told me that already. twenty-seven times."

"But you know-"

"No!" Arwen cut Aragorn off. "No. I don't want to hear anymore about your problems! I've heard enough about how you're a past-alcoholic, and I don't care about how good your television career was or who you were better than on CNN! If you really care about me you would do more than just talk; you'd actually do something. Otherwise there is no way this relationship will work."

Arwen turned on her heel and swept out of the room. Aragorn gazed after her with mournful eyes. He blew out a resigned breath, then also left. Etrerlia and Legolas watched them leave.

"Wow," Etrerlia said to Legolas. "Can you believe that?"

"Yeah. Who's he better than on CNN?"

---

"Oh, Theoden."

Eowyn of Rohan had just walked into the copier room with a stack of papers to copy, only to find her uncle tied to the equipment: his tie was caught in the copier.

"What happened now?"

Theoden was lying bent over on the copier with a rather resigned look on his face. He turned his head to face Eowyn.

"I was making photocopies of my hand, and I underestimated the vacuum power of a LightSpeed 3000, so here I am."

Eowyn sighed. "Why don't I go call a repair guy to help." She turned to leave.

"It's okay, I already did."

"Oh, then that's all set."

"Yeah," Theoden said. "He should be here sometime between 2 and 4...Monday or Tuesday."

"Theoden, it's Friday," said Eowyn. "Look, why don't you just cut the tie?"

"No! No!" cried Theoden. "My wife gave this tie to me, I...I can't cut it. It will sever me from her." He looked ready to cry.

"Theoden, auntie has given you plenty of other stuff. And among all that stuff there is another tie just like that one. You can go get it - after you cut this one."

"But she gave it to me. It has emotional value!"

Eowyn rolled her eyes. Then she put up her hands. "Okay uncle, no need to get agitated over this. Here." She picked up a pair of scissors and laid them on the copier. "I'll leave these here, and when you feel you are ready, you can cut the tie, okay?"

"Okay."

---

Legolas walked out of his office whistling. "Hey Etrerlia? Etr-" He stopped when he saw Galadriel sitting at his secretary's desk instead of the secretary herself. Etrerlia had left for lunch. "Oh, Lady Galadriel."

Galadriel smiled at him. "Hello Legolas, I was just waiting here for you. Aragorn, Arwen and I had made reservations for luncheon today, but we cannot find Aragorn. So I was wondering, would you like to join us?"

Before Legolas could reply, Arwen walked in talking on her cell phone. "Oh, okay, bye honey." She clicked it off. "Grandma, Aragorn can't make it to lunch, so we'll have to go alone..." She stopped when she saw Legolas. "Legolas, uh...hi."

"Hello," Legolas said a little squeakily.

"Arwen dear," Galadriel greeted her granddaughter. "I was just asking Legolas to join us for luncheon, and..." She looked at him, waiting for an answer.

"Oh, I'd love to." Arwen raised an eyebrow. Legolas blushed and ushered them outside. "I'll drive."

---

"You dyed your German Shepherd purple?" Legolas asked incredulously. He, Arwen, and Galadriel were at a very elegant restaurant and were in the middle of their meal.

Arwen smiled slightly. "No, I gave her purple highlights."

Legolas shook his head. "Still, you dyed your German Shepherd purple."

"No, I gave her purple highlights...and permed her tail..." She smiled at Galadriel. "...And put on some lipstick."

"Why?" Legolas asked.

"Well, she nearly got run over by a truck, so she was pretty down. I wanted her to feel pretty so I gave her purple highlights." Arwen smiled again and took a dainty bit of her barely touched salad. Legolas suspected she was dieting, but why he had yet to figure out since she was already very thin.

Galadriel shook her head. "Sweetheart, that poor dog threw herself under the truck."

Arwen looked indignant. "Gertrude did not. Anyway, excuse me for a moment." Arwen left for the ladies' room.

"Isn't she a charming girl," Galadriel said to Legolas after Arwen had left.

"Yeah," he replied dreamily.

Galadriel folded her hands and looked at him. "So, how long have you been in love with my granddaughter?"

Leagolas paused and blinked. "What?" he said for lack of any other response to the unexpected question.

"How long have you been in love with my granddaughter?"

"What?"

Galadriel looked upwards in exhasperation. "How long have you been in love with my granddaughter?"

"What?"

"How's your chicken?"

"Delicious."

"How long have you been in love with my granddaughter?"

"What?"

"Legolas!"

"Yes?" he squeaked. Galadriel's eyes were getting freaky and she was starting to glow with a greenish light. Not a good sign.

Galadriel went back to her normal self gave him a pointed look.

"Is it that obvious?" Legolas asked shrinking in his chair.

"Oh, trust me, a Ringbearer knows. Like I knew Boromir was going to die when the Fellowship first set foot in Lothlorien."

"How could you tell?"

"Well, for one thing there always has to be someone who dies to make a story interesting, and also I looked into the Mirror and saw him going over Rauros in a boat - dead."

"No, I mean about me."

"Ah that. It's partly the fact that you light up when she's around, and being able to read minds comes in handy too." Galadriel gave him a smile.

"Oh." Legolas felt like an idiot.

"But I think you're a great match for my granddaughter."

Legolas lit up like Rudolph's nose (only without the red light part). "Really? So you think I have a shot?"

"Oh," Galadriel laughed airily. "Valar no."

"Well...why not?"

"Because you're not an alcoholic," Galadriel said matter-of-factly. "It's a pattern in my family. You see, my mother married an alcoholic, and Celeborn is an alcoholic too." Galadriel paused for a moment, thinking. "My second cousin married a cocaine addict, but then again she was always trying to one-up me. Anyway, Arwen can't possibly get together with you since you're not an alcoholic. My granddaughter is going to marry an alcoholic, because that's the pattern."

"But it's just a pattern," Legolas tried to reason with her.

"Which runs very strongly in my family."

"But it's your granddaughter-"

"Who is caught up in the pattern."

"But it's still just a pattern, not shackles of mithril! Arwen can break free of the pattern!" Legolas cried. He added timidly, "Can't she?"

"Well, usually the more you try to fight it, it just speeds up the inevitable."

"How so?"

"You see, we're suckers for apologies. We try to make the guys perfect, they fail, we get mad, then comes the 'I'm sorry' speech and we say, 'Honey, I understand.' And there you go. Pattern."

Legolas thought for a moment. "But I'm perfect for her..."

Galadriel smiled at him. "Yes...you are."

"And I have this whole two phase process worked out. First, I wait. Then..." He paused. "Well, I haven't figured out phase two yet."

"Hmm..."

At that moment Arwen walked back to their table. "Hi, what are we talking about?"

"Oh, nothing," Legolas said quickly.

"Hmm..." Arwen said as she sat down. "Any particular type of nothing?"

"No, no..." Legolas said, wondering how many types of nothing there could be.

"Interesting." Arwen picked up her fork and continued to nibble daintily at her salad.

All three of them looked up at the sound of footsteps approaching their table. Aragorn stood there, looking awkward.

"Aragorn," said Galadriel. "I'm...glad to see you."

"No you're not," Aragorn replied. He sighed. "But that's alright. I came to apologize to Arwen, to say that I'm really, truly sorry - for everything. I know and you know that I have problems, but I know that I hide behind them as well, and that's wrong. I will try harder to become the man you want me to be, so if you could just give me one more chance, I'll swear to try and make it the last."

Galadriel wore a tender and caring expression. "Oh honey, I understand."

Legolas gawked at her.

Arwen got up and faced Aragorn. Her expression was soft. Then she shook her head. Her eyes were hard. "You are getting so good at that speech. Only you shouldn't use it so often." She turned and walked off saying to Galadriel, "I'll see you later Grandma."

Aragorn called after her, "Arwen, wait!" before following her out.

This left Legolas and Galadriel at the table. Galadriel looked at Legolas and said, "I think it's time for phase two."

Legolas nodded enthusiastically. "Great!" he said. "What is it?"

---

"Theoden?"

Theoden was still stuck on the copying machine when Eowyn came in again. "Yes Eowyn?"

"I just came to let you know that I'm the only one who knows you're here, and I'm leaving for weekend."

"Well, have fun... and out of curiosity, where are you going?"

Eowyn shrugged. "Oh I don't know. There are so many possibilities when one is not stuck to a large white office appliance."

"Mmm...right..."

Eowyn was frustrated and exhasperated. "Uncle, you are literally, tied to a relationship that no longer exists! Auntie isn't going to spring back to life and be moved by the fact that you kept that tie all these years! Come on, you'll find another woman! I mean, you're kind, you're brave, and you're..." Eowyn fumbled for the words."You're - not hard on the eyes."

"Oh yeah?" Theoden shifted the best he could to face his neice. "Tell me then, body-wise what's my best feature?"

Now Eowyn was annoyed. "Your boots! Now cut the tie!" she cried gesturing at the pair of scissors lying in front of his face.

Theoden drew a breath and released it. "Okay, here goes." He picked up the scissors, took another deep breath - and cut the tie. The scissors clattered to the floor as he dropped them and stood up. It suddenly seemed that he grew taller and younger; he was the proud kind of Rohan once more. He smiled at his neice. "I'm a new man," he whispered. "Thank you, Eowyn."

Eowyn embraced him. "I'm proud of you uncle." She released Theoden and patted him on the shoulder. "Now go do something useful and safe." She waved as she left. "And don't get stuck in the copying machine again!"

Theoden waved back as Eowyn disappeared from view. He said to no one in particular, "Today, Theoden of Rohan regained his pride and honor." He looked at the severed tie around his neck and unfastened it. "He is truly a new man." He tossed the tie to the ground. As he was about to leave the room, a thought crept back into his mind. Looking about to see that no one was around, he quietly closed the door to the copier room. Moments later, he was making photocopies of his hand again.

AN: Tada! I hope no one finds this too stupid... : ) And I apologize that Elrond has not appeared yet, but he'll be there in the next chapter...hopefully.

Review(s):

strider7901: Glad to hear this story kept you interested, especially since you don't seem to like AU fics. That's a high compliment for me. I'm also glad you found this funny, thank you!