~~~History Lessons Part 14 b~~~
The creaking of the old brass hinges on the door announced Maddie's arrival to Harm and Mac, startling them a little. Harm stood immediately to greet Maddie, who waved off the formality and sat down next to Mac on the loveseat. Seeing the apprehension written on her face, Maddie took a mental step back. Many years of counseling had given her the ability to read her clients' minds based on their non-verbal communications-their posture, their eyes, the expressions on their face-Mac was no different.
With every passing session, Maddie was finding it increasingly difficult to be the neutral party. It was almost as if she was counseling her friends even though she'd only known them a little over a week. Upon seeing Mac's obvious distress, Maddie's first instinct was to console her just as she would do for her sister. However, being a medical professional, it was considered crossing the line. Lord knows I don't want to do something unethical, she thought, scolding herself silently.
"Hi," Maddie said soothingly, "Good to see you both. I appreciate your coming on such short notice." She was sincerely doing her best to keep the tone of her voice even and her own trepidation below the surface. She was as nervous for this session as they were, except right now Mac looked as though life itself was draining right out of her. The last thing Maddie wanted to do was add more tension to the already taut strings holding Mac together. If Mac unwound, Harm would surely follow.
Mac's heart was doing double-time right now. She felt like she was still caught in her earlier nightmare-pulse racing, palms sweaty. God, get a grip Marine. This person isn't your enemy-she's here to help you get your act together. Swallowing hard she gave a half smile and said, "It wasn't a problem," hoping Maddie couldn't see through the facade she was presenting. For as much as she tried to hide her fear, she unknowingly wore it like the red cloak of a bull fighter-it was out there taunting Maddie-begging her to find a way to fix things. I can get through this, Mac thought, taking a deep breath.
Harm shoved his hands inside the pockets of his jacket and gave a quick shrug of his shoulders adding, "Not at all," to the end of Mac's statement. Watching her made him feel ill at ease. Even though her mouth was saying one thing, she was surely feeling something else. Her apprehension was practically palpable. If given an option right now, he'd put an end to this therapy crap. The more they came, the deeper they were being sucked into the vast vacuum of their past. Up until now, he had thought they were just normal people with normal problems; now he wasn't so sure. But before he could get any sort of protest out of his mouth, Maddie was speaking to the both of them again.
"Why don't we move into the other room and get started?" Maddie said, standing up and turning toward the office. She hoped that when she got to the office they would still be following her and not running screaming from the room.
Mac's heart skipped a beat at Maddie's words. It was as if the roller-coaster from hell was climbing the hill and she was again the reluctant passenger along for the ride. Harm watched as she balked a little before standing up. He waited until she rose from the loveseat before falling into place behind her. He grasped her shoulder and leaned in to whisper into her ear, "It's going to be fine, Mac," and gave her a little squeeze. He wished he could believe in his heart that it all would be fine. Right now the only thing he could do was try to protect her as the demons of the past were again summoned from the beyond.
"Yeah, it will," Mac replied, giving him a quick glance over her shoulder and trying to sound convincing in the process. She prayed he couldn't feel her pulse in that grasp of his, otherwise he'd have a good excuse to haul her ass off to a hospital somewhere-maybe a padded one with Laura Ashley drapes and bedding.
Maddie was already in her spot on the leather chair when the two officers entered the room. Sighing, she was relieved to see that she hadn't scared them off-yet. The two-being creatures of habit-moved to their usual spots on the couch after removing their jackets. Harm offered to hang up Mac's coat, but she shook her head, opting to hang on to it.
Mac immediately noticed the furry form of Zoloft curled up on the rug in front of the fireplace. Fighting off the urge to crawl on the floor next to him, she opted to call to him instead. A soft "psst-psst-psst" in his direction was enough to rouse him from the sleep he had settled into. Zolly yawned and stretched out his paws before turning his head in the direction of the sound. Recognizing a warm lap when he saw one-especially Mac's warm lap-he trotted across the floor and promptly leapt into her waiting arms.
Aw, nothing like a little feline-therapy to soothe the patient's soul, Maddie thought, smiling as she watched Mac find her comfort zone with the affections of a certain Maine Coon. Even though it was often tiring bringing the 15 pound cat to and from work most days, Zolly had unknowingly become part of the therapy process with Mac. Not everyone responds to pet therapy, especially cats. But with Mac, Zolly had become a security object she could cling to during the stressful aspects of their sessions.
Opening their chart on her lap Maddie adjusted her glasses and perused her notes for probably the hundredth time, knowing what she had written on those papers by heart. The only problem she had at the moment was deciding how to carefully begin this session without sounding like an incompetent jerk or an overprotective den mother. Deciding to jump in with both feet, fuzzy slippers and all, she took a breath and began.
"Mac, yesterday's session took us back to your father and your past relationships with men. It must have been hard for you to revisit those years. Tell me how you feel today."
Mac glanced over toward Harm first, hesitating. In all honesty, she wasn't sure how she felt other than her stomach was in knots right now. She had felt better when she got up earlier this morning, but the thought of rehashing everything was now making her nauseous. Mac knew it was probably in her best interest to tell Maddie about the nightmare, but there were parts of that nightmare that involved Harm-and she wasn't sure if she was ready to tell him about it just yet-some day-just not now.
Maddie sensed that something was keeping Mac from talking about what occurred after the session yesterday, but she couldn't put her finger on what it might be. Whatever took place, she obviously either hadn't told Harm or was purposefully vague considering the look they shared, Maddie thought. Contemplating the issue for a moment, she came up with an option she hoped the two would agree upon.
"If you'd feel more comfortable talking to me without Harm present, Mac, that's okay. But, before you do that, Harm has to agree to it."
Alternating glances between Harm and Maddie, Mac felt torn. Dare she sit with Maddie alone and tell her about the nightmare or should she just bury it like everything else and go on with the session?
Harm looked shocked at Maddie's suggestion. It almost angered him that he wouldn't be included in this discussion. It wasn't that he was nosy; he just didn't want Mac to go through hell again today as she did yesterday. He wasn't so sure a one-on-one with Maddie was in her best interest right now. Every time a new ghost resurrected, he felt helpless watching them torment Mac. Now Maddie wanted to do this without him there!
"Mac, you don't have to do this. I can stay if you want me to," Harm offered in protest, annoyance tinting his voice. He really wanted to ask Maddie what kind of quack she was to keep torturing a woman clearly distraught every time her past reared its ugly head.
"Harm, the point of having Mac talk to me alone is not to exclude you. It's to give her a chance to say things to me-personal things-that she might not want you or anyone else to know just yet. It shouldn't take long."
Maddie figured out that he was just trying to shield Mac from any more pain and for that, she mentally commended him. Despite the fact that they couldn't get their act together, the undying loyalty between the two was paramount. Just as she considered explaining to Harm that the emotional pain brought about from discovery was part of the healing process, Mac spoke up.
"It's okay, Harm. You don't have to protect me from Maddie-I know she's trying to help me." Mac paused for a moment, not sure how to address this with Harm without hurting his feelings. She then added, "But, there are some things I'd like to say to her privately."
"Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly. He wasn't convinced it was the right idea, but if Mac was okay with it, then he would have to be okay with it too. Let her go, Rabb. We have to get through this.
Before he could say anything, Mac was reaching over and taking his hand. The pleading look in her eyes snapped him back to rationality-a subtle gesture asking him to trust her. Trust-that's part of the reason we're here in the first place. Getting it back had to start somewhere with someone, he thought.
Taking a deep breath, Harm said, "Mac, if you want to talk to Maddie alone, go ahead. I don't mind."
Mac smiled softly and squeezed his hand for extra measure. She silently mouthed, "thank you" before turning to look at Maddie, ready to put the past where it belonged-in the past.
Harm stood and reluctantly prepared to leave the room, glancing at Mac before he stepped away from the sofa. He had wanted to say something-anything-to her at that moment to comfort her, but he just didn't know what to say. He hoped Mac understood that his unwillingness to leave had nothing to do with what she was going to talk to Maddie about, but everything to do with her and how this would affect her life. Rather than say something that would be misconstrued, he bit his lower lip and said, "I'll be waiting". He strode out the door, casting one final glance over his shoulder before gently pushing it closed behind him.
"Thanks Harm. I'll call you in when we're done," Maddie called after him, as he walked into the outer office.
Once in the other room, Harm couldn't do anything but pace. He ran his hands through his hair distractedly, hoping this wasn't going to be a repeat of the last session. It tore at his very soul last night as he felt her body wracked with sobs, her past having chewed her up and spit her out yet again. The more he thought about it, the more he had to stifle his anger for her sake. He wanted so much to call the Admiral and give him hell, career be damned. But he knew that it would only embarrass Mac and put her in an uncomfortable position with her superior officer. Keep your opinions to yourself, Rabb, he told himself, flopping down on the loveseat. He picked up the Southern Living magazine Mac had been thumbing through earlier, flipping through a few pages before tossing it back where he got it. Sighing loudly, he slumped against the cushions. This is emotional hell, he thought, scrubbing his hands over his face in frustration. If this becomes anything like yesterday, we're done-I don't care what anyone has to say. I can't let her go through this anymore.
* * *
Maddie briefly watched Mac sitting alone on the sofa, her face still pale and her hands slightly trembling. Had she been a regular patient in for the long haul, Maddie probably wouldn't have pushed her to divulge her feelings so soon. But considering that she had only a short time to work with them before their leave was up, she had no other alternative than try to get them to a resolution point-sooner than later. Moving over to the sofa, Maddie gestured for permission to sit next to her, "May I?"
Mac nodded her head without looking in her direction.
"Tell me what happened last night after the session," Maddie asked calmly.
Drawing an uneasy breath, Mac blew it out with a huff before speaking. "I, um, well . . . things sort of got to me yesterday."
"In what way?"
"It had been a long time since I had to deal with my father. It was like I was living my teenage years all over again," Mac said, continuing to stroke the soft, thick fur on Zolly's back. She couldn't make eye contact with Maddie. It wasn't that she was embarrassed about anything. It was just that Maddie was pretty good at reading her and she wasn't quite ready to be that revealing.
"Tell me what happened," Maddie reiterated, getting a sick feeling all of a sudden in the pit of her stomach. It was not uncommon for clients to react emotionally to things revealed in their sessions. However, she couldn't help but feel somehow responsible for the emotional pain Mac was going through right now. She had figured her to be a strong woman yet she still prayed that Mac's past as an alcoholic didn't come to light again, especially after yesterday.
"When we left the office, my emotions took over and I cried-really cried-for the first time in a very long time," Mac paused to take a deep breath and control her racing heart. "I'm not used to feeling this emotionally weak," she nervously snickered, pausing to dab at the corner of her eye with her finger to prevent the tears welling up from spilling over. "I was so drained that Harm had to drive me home."
"You're not weak, Mac. You had been through a lot yesterday. It's only natural for your body and mind to give in to the exhaustion you were feeling." Maddie paused to allow Mac to take in what she was saying.
"What happened once you got home?" Maddie asked quietly, not sure it was something she wanted to hear. She didn't want to come right out and ask if she had taken a drink-although she should-but rather Maddie wanted Mac to feel that she could confide in her without feeling pressured to do so.
Mac began to see the bigger picture behind Maddie's question-she's wondering if I took a drink, she thought to herself. It's a legitimate concern considering what I had told her about my past.
"I didn't have any alcohol, Maddie, if that's what you're asking," Mac said, "I think I'm strong enough to resist that. I've had plenty of reason to turn to the bottle other times-like when Mic left. But I didn't. I've come too far in my life to ruin it like that."
"I know Mac, but as your counselor I was just concerned."
"Thanks-I know," Mac said, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I must have fallen asleep on the couch when Harm went to make me some tea. The next thing I knew I was in bed and in this nightmare-it was like the worst parts of my life were happening all over again.
"What did you dream about?"
"My father, Dalton, Chris and Mic . . ." Mac paused, looking toward the door of the outer office, then added, ". . . and Harm."
The creaking of the old brass hinges on the door announced Maddie's arrival to Harm and Mac, startling them a little. Harm stood immediately to greet Maddie, who waved off the formality and sat down next to Mac on the loveseat. Seeing the apprehension written on her face, Maddie took a mental step back. Many years of counseling had given her the ability to read her clients' minds based on their non-verbal communications-their posture, their eyes, the expressions on their face-Mac was no different.
With every passing session, Maddie was finding it increasingly difficult to be the neutral party. It was almost as if she was counseling her friends even though she'd only known them a little over a week. Upon seeing Mac's obvious distress, Maddie's first instinct was to console her just as she would do for her sister. However, being a medical professional, it was considered crossing the line. Lord knows I don't want to do something unethical, she thought, scolding herself silently.
"Hi," Maddie said soothingly, "Good to see you both. I appreciate your coming on such short notice." She was sincerely doing her best to keep the tone of her voice even and her own trepidation below the surface. She was as nervous for this session as they were, except right now Mac looked as though life itself was draining right out of her. The last thing Maddie wanted to do was add more tension to the already taut strings holding Mac together. If Mac unwound, Harm would surely follow.
Mac's heart was doing double-time right now. She felt like she was still caught in her earlier nightmare-pulse racing, palms sweaty. God, get a grip Marine. This person isn't your enemy-she's here to help you get your act together. Swallowing hard she gave a half smile and said, "It wasn't a problem," hoping Maddie couldn't see through the facade she was presenting. For as much as she tried to hide her fear, she unknowingly wore it like the red cloak of a bull fighter-it was out there taunting Maddie-begging her to find a way to fix things. I can get through this, Mac thought, taking a deep breath.
Harm shoved his hands inside the pockets of his jacket and gave a quick shrug of his shoulders adding, "Not at all," to the end of Mac's statement. Watching her made him feel ill at ease. Even though her mouth was saying one thing, she was surely feeling something else. Her apprehension was practically palpable. If given an option right now, he'd put an end to this therapy crap. The more they came, the deeper they were being sucked into the vast vacuum of their past. Up until now, he had thought they were just normal people with normal problems; now he wasn't so sure. But before he could get any sort of protest out of his mouth, Maddie was speaking to the both of them again.
"Why don't we move into the other room and get started?" Maddie said, standing up and turning toward the office. She hoped that when she got to the office they would still be following her and not running screaming from the room.
Mac's heart skipped a beat at Maddie's words. It was as if the roller-coaster from hell was climbing the hill and she was again the reluctant passenger along for the ride. Harm watched as she balked a little before standing up. He waited until she rose from the loveseat before falling into place behind her. He grasped her shoulder and leaned in to whisper into her ear, "It's going to be fine, Mac," and gave her a little squeeze. He wished he could believe in his heart that it all would be fine. Right now the only thing he could do was try to protect her as the demons of the past were again summoned from the beyond.
"Yeah, it will," Mac replied, giving him a quick glance over her shoulder and trying to sound convincing in the process. She prayed he couldn't feel her pulse in that grasp of his, otherwise he'd have a good excuse to haul her ass off to a hospital somewhere-maybe a padded one with Laura Ashley drapes and bedding.
Maddie was already in her spot on the leather chair when the two officers entered the room. Sighing, she was relieved to see that she hadn't scared them off-yet. The two-being creatures of habit-moved to their usual spots on the couch after removing their jackets. Harm offered to hang up Mac's coat, but she shook her head, opting to hang on to it.
Mac immediately noticed the furry form of Zoloft curled up on the rug in front of the fireplace. Fighting off the urge to crawl on the floor next to him, she opted to call to him instead. A soft "psst-psst-psst" in his direction was enough to rouse him from the sleep he had settled into. Zolly yawned and stretched out his paws before turning his head in the direction of the sound. Recognizing a warm lap when he saw one-especially Mac's warm lap-he trotted across the floor and promptly leapt into her waiting arms.
Aw, nothing like a little feline-therapy to soothe the patient's soul, Maddie thought, smiling as she watched Mac find her comfort zone with the affections of a certain Maine Coon. Even though it was often tiring bringing the 15 pound cat to and from work most days, Zolly had unknowingly become part of the therapy process with Mac. Not everyone responds to pet therapy, especially cats. But with Mac, Zolly had become a security object she could cling to during the stressful aspects of their sessions.
Opening their chart on her lap Maddie adjusted her glasses and perused her notes for probably the hundredth time, knowing what she had written on those papers by heart. The only problem she had at the moment was deciding how to carefully begin this session without sounding like an incompetent jerk or an overprotective den mother. Deciding to jump in with both feet, fuzzy slippers and all, she took a breath and began.
"Mac, yesterday's session took us back to your father and your past relationships with men. It must have been hard for you to revisit those years. Tell me how you feel today."
Mac glanced over toward Harm first, hesitating. In all honesty, she wasn't sure how she felt other than her stomach was in knots right now. She had felt better when she got up earlier this morning, but the thought of rehashing everything was now making her nauseous. Mac knew it was probably in her best interest to tell Maddie about the nightmare, but there were parts of that nightmare that involved Harm-and she wasn't sure if she was ready to tell him about it just yet-some day-just not now.
Maddie sensed that something was keeping Mac from talking about what occurred after the session yesterday, but she couldn't put her finger on what it might be. Whatever took place, she obviously either hadn't told Harm or was purposefully vague considering the look they shared, Maddie thought. Contemplating the issue for a moment, she came up with an option she hoped the two would agree upon.
"If you'd feel more comfortable talking to me without Harm present, Mac, that's okay. But, before you do that, Harm has to agree to it."
Alternating glances between Harm and Maddie, Mac felt torn. Dare she sit with Maddie alone and tell her about the nightmare or should she just bury it like everything else and go on with the session?
Harm looked shocked at Maddie's suggestion. It almost angered him that he wouldn't be included in this discussion. It wasn't that he was nosy; he just didn't want Mac to go through hell again today as she did yesterday. He wasn't so sure a one-on-one with Maddie was in her best interest right now. Every time a new ghost resurrected, he felt helpless watching them torment Mac. Now Maddie wanted to do this without him there!
"Mac, you don't have to do this. I can stay if you want me to," Harm offered in protest, annoyance tinting his voice. He really wanted to ask Maddie what kind of quack she was to keep torturing a woman clearly distraught every time her past reared its ugly head.
"Harm, the point of having Mac talk to me alone is not to exclude you. It's to give her a chance to say things to me-personal things-that she might not want you or anyone else to know just yet. It shouldn't take long."
Maddie figured out that he was just trying to shield Mac from any more pain and for that, she mentally commended him. Despite the fact that they couldn't get their act together, the undying loyalty between the two was paramount. Just as she considered explaining to Harm that the emotional pain brought about from discovery was part of the healing process, Mac spoke up.
"It's okay, Harm. You don't have to protect me from Maddie-I know she's trying to help me." Mac paused for a moment, not sure how to address this with Harm without hurting his feelings. She then added, "But, there are some things I'd like to say to her privately."
"Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly. He wasn't convinced it was the right idea, but if Mac was okay with it, then he would have to be okay with it too. Let her go, Rabb. We have to get through this.
Before he could say anything, Mac was reaching over and taking his hand. The pleading look in her eyes snapped him back to rationality-a subtle gesture asking him to trust her. Trust-that's part of the reason we're here in the first place. Getting it back had to start somewhere with someone, he thought.
Taking a deep breath, Harm said, "Mac, if you want to talk to Maddie alone, go ahead. I don't mind."
Mac smiled softly and squeezed his hand for extra measure. She silently mouthed, "thank you" before turning to look at Maddie, ready to put the past where it belonged-in the past.
Harm stood and reluctantly prepared to leave the room, glancing at Mac before he stepped away from the sofa. He had wanted to say something-anything-to her at that moment to comfort her, but he just didn't know what to say. He hoped Mac understood that his unwillingness to leave had nothing to do with what she was going to talk to Maddie about, but everything to do with her and how this would affect her life. Rather than say something that would be misconstrued, he bit his lower lip and said, "I'll be waiting". He strode out the door, casting one final glance over his shoulder before gently pushing it closed behind him.
"Thanks Harm. I'll call you in when we're done," Maddie called after him, as he walked into the outer office.
Once in the other room, Harm couldn't do anything but pace. He ran his hands through his hair distractedly, hoping this wasn't going to be a repeat of the last session. It tore at his very soul last night as he felt her body wracked with sobs, her past having chewed her up and spit her out yet again. The more he thought about it, the more he had to stifle his anger for her sake. He wanted so much to call the Admiral and give him hell, career be damned. But he knew that it would only embarrass Mac and put her in an uncomfortable position with her superior officer. Keep your opinions to yourself, Rabb, he told himself, flopping down on the loveseat. He picked up the Southern Living magazine Mac had been thumbing through earlier, flipping through a few pages before tossing it back where he got it. Sighing loudly, he slumped against the cushions. This is emotional hell, he thought, scrubbing his hands over his face in frustration. If this becomes anything like yesterday, we're done-I don't care what anyone has to say. I can't let her go through this anymore.
* * *
Maddie briefly watched Mac sitting alone on the sofa, her face still pale and her hands slightly trembling. Had she been a regular patient in for the long haul, Maddie probably wouldn't have pushed her to divulge her feelings so soon. But considering that she had only a short time to work with them before their leave was up, she had no other alternative than try to get them to a resolution point-sooner than later. Moving over to the sofa, Maddie gestured for permission to sit next to her, "May I?"
Mac nodded her head without looking in her direction.
"Tell me what happened last night after the session," Maddie asked calmly.
Drawing an uneasy breath, Mac blew it out with a huff before speaking. "I, um, well . . . things sort of got to me yesterday."
"In what way?"
"It had been a long time since I had to deal with my father. It was like I was living my teenage years all over again," Mac said, continuing to stroke the soft, thick fur on Zolly's back. She couldn't make eye contact with Maddie. It wasn't that she was embarrassed about anything. It was just that Maddie was pretty good at reading her and she wasn't quite ready to be that revealing.
"Tell me what happened," Maddie reiterated, getting a sick feeling all of a sudden in the pit of her stomach. It was not uncommon for clients to react emotionally to things revealed in their sessions. However, she couldn't help but feel somehow responsible for the emotional pain Mac was going through right now. She had figured her to be a strong woman yet she still prayed that Mac's past as an alcoholic didn't come to light again, especially after yesterday.
"When we left the office, my emotions took over and I cried-really cried-for the first time in a very long time," Mac paused to take a deep breath and control her racing heart. "I'm not used to feeling this emotionally weak," she nervously snickered, pausing to dab at the corner of her eye with her finger to prevent the tears welling up from spilling over. "I was so drained that Harm had to drive me home."
"You're not weak, Mac. You had been through a lot yesterday. It's only natural for your body and mind to give in to the exhaustion you were feeling." Maddie paused to allow Mac to take in what she was saying.
"What happened once you got home?" Maddie asked quietly, not sure it was something she wanted to hear. She didn't want to come right out and ask if she had taken a drink-although she should-but rather Maddie wanted Mac to feel that she could confide in her without feeling pressured to do so.
Mac began to see the bigger picture behind Maddie's question-she's wondering if I took a drink, she thought to herself. It's a legitimate concern considering what I had told her about my past.
"I didn't have any alcohol, Maddie, if that's what you're asking," Mac said, "I think I'm strong enough to resist that. I've had plenty of reason to turn to the bottle other times-like when Mic left. But I didn't. I've come too far in my life to ruin it like that."
"I know Mac, but as your counselor I was just concerned."
"Thanks-I know," Mac said, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I must have fallen asleep on the couch when Harm went to make me some tea. The next thing I knew I was in bed and in this nightmare-it was like the worst parts of my life were happening all over again.
"What did you dream about?"
"My father, Dalton, Chris and Mic . . ." Mac paused, looking toward the door of the outer office, then added, ". . . and Harm."